Love is a choice, not a feeling.
I don't think you've made your choice yet.
Her father is saying to you that I love my daughter. You are telling her father that's OK. You are already loving her with the love of service and gifts. What escapes your M is the love of affirmation and touch.. but you did get the love of touch last week! So maybe touch is not the love really lost if your W can somehow understand what sex means. Maybe The love of affirmations to each other is the real love needed.
or maybe I'm over thinking things too..
I had a weird dream the other day. All the sudden, a snake ran right in front me. I quickly woke up with a quiver! That's all I remember about the dream. But I do remember seeing a show about some woman getting bitten by a snake earlier that day.
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:20 AM, November 22nd (Tuesday)]
I hope everyone has a peaceful and delicious Thanksgiving. (Or "random Thursday" for you non-Yanks.) I am thankful for all of you.
XO - Nell
Sweet dreams to everyone.
Have to go get mom, they are discharging her today. God help me...I'm going to need it.
Happy Thanksgiving to all the LTAers.
Just racing by again. Reading when I can.
All OK at Laura's house. DS's 21st and DD's 25th this weekend and work is crazy so no time.
Happy Thanksgiving yanks. What a lovely idea for a holiday!!!
HUGS to all
Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate, I am grateful for all my friends on SI.
Hugs to all!
So far a great week for me. About as peaceful as it gets.
I hope you all the same too.
Wye.. you can do it.
* You guys! Seriously, I need y'all
* My beautiful children
* Mom getting out of the hospital in time for the holiday, even if it's way more work for me.
* My in-laws, who have had my back through this entire ordeal
* And....my husband. I'm too cynical now to believe that things are always going to be great. But, dammit, he is trying. He's trying to dig out of his hole, and I'm tossing him a shovel now. Guess I'm in this.
xoxo Happy Thanksgiving!
what am i grateful for:
in no particular order:
my kids....yup they belong first
my mom...yup she belongs right behind the kids...
ok the rest in no particular order..
my si family,
my brains...turns out they works decently....its my heart that the emotional heart that didn't work well it seems
may you all be blessed today with peace and hopefully some joy
FWH/stbxh and I are navigating the waters of divorce. I'm very worried about my financial future (thank you TX, I should have moved to CA before I filed for D!). I'm working pretty much full-time and am constantly worried that I'm not putting in enough hours. I asked if I could go full-time so that I could get benefits/health insurance and the firm I am with didn't want to bring me on board as an employee. I am a contract employee which means no benefits so, I've applied for an just got approved for an individual health insurance plan. I was on pins and needles hoping they wouldn't deny me coverage due to being on AD for years, hormones for years (I started on those to feel more "sexy" as stbxh told me he wanted "jungle sex" here at home. Guess he ended up getting that somewhere else. ) Anywho....I was approved this past week and now I'm negotiating with stbxh on how to divide our assets. 28 years of marriage boiled down to an Excel spreadsheet. Eff me! I have a lawyer, he has a lawyer and we (but mostly me) is scheduling for work to be done to our house to get it ready to sell in the spring. DD23 and DS18 are still here in the house with me and we are all trying to keep brave faces on but it's taking it's toll on all of us. The three of us had a joint meltdown the night before T-giving. It's like we can stand so much until we get to the point where the feelings start to overwhelm us, and we break. They are pretty remarkable kids and somehow God in his wisdom knew that I needed to have them around me during this time. I am so grateful for that. My DD23 has been such a support to me. We used to hang together most days, shelf-checks at Target, that kind of thing, but since I started back to work she's on her own most days. I get home from work and she and I have a glass of wine and get caught up on what we did that day. Plus she runs with me in the mornings. She's been a rock for me.
Running....ran a 10K in Washington DC a few weeks ago with DD23 and two other friends. We had a blast and the running gives me an outlet for my frustrations. My DS24, in the Navy, will deploy this next week and my plan is to run a 5K every month that he is gone. I have many friends that have offered to run with me and we're going to have shirts made up that support my son. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers my friends. I try not to think about what he does for a living and distract myself by planning his next care package. I've got some ideas and plan to hit the $1 Store!
My D should be final before the end of the year. I have "graduated" from my IC. She and I both agree that I'm in a strong place and don't need to see her on a regular basis. As most of you know, it's been a long road for me (my DDay is 6/29/10) and every day I try to look forward to what the future may hold, versus looking back on what I thought was my "dream life." Most days, I'm okay, but I'll be relieved when the legal stuff is over. It intimidates me and forces me to don those BGP (big girl panties) to negotiate the financial pieces of the D.
I'm wondering what it will be like to be on my own again after so many years of being part of a couple. I rediscovering ME. What I really like, what I really don't like and accepting that as who I am. As it turns out, I'm a loving, trusting, romantic soul and ny greatest joy is taking care of my "family." Now that they pretty much take care of themselves, and I don't have to take care of stbxh, I am taking care of myself. It sounds selfish and I know that I don't live on an island. But it's okay for me to be happy. Bottom line.....you/me/we deserve to be happy. We may to fight to get it, but it is within our grasp. Go for it....reach for it. There will be places you'll falter but in the end you deserve no less.
My "thoughts" for the middle of the night. I think of my SI friends and family every day and know that I'm sending you my love and support to the Tribe. Hang in there...keep swimming.
And as I think about people like me, It becomes apart of my daily life right now.. thinking about the thing did hurt me so bad. IMO, I still think about it too much. I believe I should not, but I just do. My memories do not trigger an emotion much any more, and they only last for sometimes a brief minute or two... It's amazing to me why and how just little things trigger a memeory. Just yesterday, an ad showing a garage door operator/opener. OM gave my W this machine and it is on one of our doors.
Unless I am on my car phone, everytime I drive into the hotel area, I triggers a memory. Any words, movie, show about cheating... yep. Antique cars because OM collected them. IU the city of Bloomington Indiana, His college, and the Indiana Pacers. The went to games togather.. 8 years of stuff and her 1st A back in the 1980's too is a lot of stuff that provoke memeories. all many times trigger the memory. I never listed them but it must be 40 or 50 things.
Recently, the AD drug seems to helping my W... or the kids home for the holiday, I am not sure which. Maybe both. She lost 8 pounds and that makes her feel good to. I admit, she treates me very well. About as good as any partner could treat a H. Of course a few things but what relationship is perfect anyways? Our common things far outnumber the uncommon.
I am OK with living my life with these memories because they rarely spark an emotion. Sometimes I still get sparks of anger toward OM. Somewhere inside me, is a man who still wants to go try out a new relationship to see if I stop having these memeories. Sometimes, I which she was till having the A so I could catch her to file D.
Maybe time is the key? But life is not so bad as I mention above in that brief pph...
Life is a journey I guess. I do have many more good meomores thatn bad thought.. funny how I fail to mention those... We'll see what to day brings. Oh well... off to go fishing!
I guess that is my emotional update...
How about everyone else?
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:59 AM, November 26th (Saturday)]
So as not to bore everyone needlessly, I will jump to the good part first: I just found naked picture of OW on my X's phone. These are recent photos - like the last month or so.
I am beyond devastated & outraged. Why? Because despite our separation, the X and I never stopped having sex - yes, I tried to stay away from it - had detached from him emotionally for the most part - but every other week or so I just gave in. That's the best explanation I have. But, moreso, X has over the past month appeared to be getting it more - I actually came to believe that he missed me, loved me & wanted to get back together at some point. We had a great Thanksgiving together at my house - his family & my family. He was extremely helpful, considerate, was spending more time with me than would normally be the case with a houseful of people. He seemed upset when I sent him away at the end of the night. He wound up texting me how much he loved me, would always love me, missed me, wanted to go out with me, etc. To an extent, this has been going on with some regularity over the past month (since he concluded I must be dating).
My response to him was that I just don't want to be a booty call to him, if he wants to talk about getting back together, that's what we should do & made it clear to him that he has to initiate the conversation - I'm not chasing him.
In any event, a part of me started thinking this would be possible. That maybe, over time, we would get there.
And, now I know the whole time he was saying this crap to me he was with her. Apparently this has been going on for months.
His defense is that we were separated and I shot him down when he asked me out. That if I had said he shouldn't see anyone while we tried to work it out, he wouldn't have. That if I at this moment tell him that's what I want, he has no problem ending it with her.
I haven't cried this hard in probably a year.
So now I have to find a way to cut him completely out of my life in a way that doesn't affect my kids.
Let's all hope that when he drops off the kids tonight he has the good sense to not engage me, cuz I am beyond pissed.
Thanks for letting me dump.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:38 PM, November 26th (Saturday)]
damn to hell that sucks....and yes i would definitely say it sounds like another d-day.....
and i think distance is a great idea, and time to maybe start weaning the kids to so much "family" time....it will be easier for you making it easier for them...
damn i am so damn mad for you....what a fucking idiot...seriously....especially since its the same damned ow i am presuming...picking right up where he left off, provided he ever left off....!!!!!
im sorry im not helping here...
you do sound wonderful, and yes you sound worried, but i am sure it will all turn out ok financially....finances is one of my worries too....and it makes me so mad......that we have to give up yet so much more because of their actions...the gift that just keeps on giving and giving...
X and I never stopped having sex - yes, I tried to stay away from it -
If you are leaving, I think you need to D. End it 100%. No money, nothing stand in your way. My plan was to go NC with my W if I ever S. I told her that. NC for everything, but business. It's funny she brought that up to me a few weeks ago. I told her , well yeh! I would need some time to emotionally disconnect. LOL.. She said, "no matter what would have happened, I always felt like we would end up back togather some day". I held my thoughts on that. HELL NO I would ever get back togather if I left. LOL.. that's a second HELL NO.. I would have found me a sweet woman next time that does not have cheat in her soul.And if this woman cheats, no second chance, I would look for another, and another and another until I found a good one.
Let me tell ya, If I was S,I will be looking, flirting, and asking. People need the love of touch. I don't fault you one bit for doing what you have been doing.
Maybe you consider finding just a friend with exclusive to each other benifits for awhile?
Anyway Allgood, I am sorry you are still feeling pain. I hope that cry worked. See into the future and know you will find a good healhty love again if you keep looking for it.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:22 AM, November 27th (Sunday)]
And, sadly, no, I still feel like crap & I"m preoccupied with my X's latest romp with the OW.
It's the same OW by the way. He called her last night to tell her I had naked pics of her, lol. According to him, in addition to being mad at him for allowing this photo to get in my hands, she also told him that they shouldn't be together & he should go back & be with his family.
After more digging this morning, I found that while he was texting me after leaving our house on Thanksgiving, saying that he loved me, I looked hot, etc. he was actually on his way to her. Stayed over at her place. Same thing Fri night - sat watching tv with me, tried to have sex with me, then went directly to her house.
He just says they did nothing wrong as we were separarted - which I understand, but the reality is that he's once again telling me he loves me, having sex with me, etc. while not being exclusive.
I am so pissed, pissed, pissed.