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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

old timer here...((((FNF)))))
I am so, so sorry to hear your news. As someone else mentioned, has he sought another opinion??

I know you have been struggling recently with your feelings towards your H, as i have.


But somehow through all of that pain believing that I would survive and come out on the other side gave me hope.

YOU HAVE !

I know everyone here will agree that thru all this infidelity crap, it is sometimes amazing and sometimes shocking where our minds take us.
I have had this thought turning round in my mind now and then since Dday.
Those times i have begged God for an answer, wondering if there is some meaning in this, some sort of purpose.

I think about who i was before all this and who i am today. And i think if something were to happen to my H now , the person who i am would feel and cope in a completely different way than i would have before.
So i sometimes wonder if that is at least part of the purpose of this enormous pain we all feel.

Because although i have never known such pain, and know too it will never really leave me, i also definitely see this as some form of an awakening.

As hopeless as you feel today FNF, will you cope in a way the old you couldn't?

I hope you understand that i am not minimizing your pain or "explain" it away, I was really telling you what you have told so many others here, that you are stronger than you know.
huge, huge, hugs FNF.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to thank each and every one of you for your beautiful, caring posts. I also want you to know that I am thinking of you all and wishing each of you peace too.
I have only a few minutes before my H will step back but I did want to let you know that I have read them all and they mean more than I can say.
Dip - my H's symptoms started about 2 years ago and he had multiple tests which didn't really confirm this diagnosis. In the last few months he has gotten a bit worse and they are now repeating the tests but the first 2 tests showed some significant deterioration.
I guess that's why the neurologist now gave him this diagnosis. I will not be absolutely convinced though until I see the results of his MRI/MRA though. I just wanted you to know that they have taken a very slow approach and have not rushed into this diagnosis. But I am keeping your post in the forefront of my mind and maybe I'll even push this a little further with the specialist. I will have a much better idea when all the tests are completed.
Dip, I also wanted to say that I was so happy to hear that you've made a full recovery. I'll bet those docs are still talking about you and smiling everytime they think of the things you were saying.

Nell - I want to send out hugs to you too. I hope your MC can find someone who will help your "boyos" through this. I hope too that you are taking care of yourself and that your H is being as cooperative and non-confrontational as you deserve him to be. ((Nell))

Tryn - still haven't had enough time to myself to do that test but hopefully later tonight.

Allgood - of course your H misses you and wants to see if he can win you back. What have you decided to do? Do you think you'll take him up on his offer for a date?? Keep us posted. Your post made me smile. Who knows, maybe he's finally going to see the light.

Miracle - thanks for the laugh. His forgetfulness is driving me crazy but like you said, there could be advantages.

And i think if something were to happen to my H now , the person who i am would feel and cope in a completely different way than i would have before.

MIG - This is something I keep asking myself. Would I be more compassionate, more loving if I still didn't harbour some bitterness toward my H?? I am working on that and I will also try to think about the possible meaning and purpose because right now, I am just not seeing it but have always believed that everything we experience has a lesson to teach us about ourselves.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:56 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the end of the day though, you will, I believe, do as I have. You will accept that the things he has done have damaged him and damaged you. You will accept the fact that though you may never love him the same way, you will always love him. You will find compassion and kindness in a place that perhaps there shouldn't be. And you will forgive him.

Thank you for writing this. It is a truly beautiful goal. I'm not sure that I'll get there but I do appreciate you giving me this to think about.

M3 - I know I shouldn't have but your post did make me laugh. I can't tell you how much the urge to run tempts me but then it would be my kids who would have to carry that burden and I just can't do that to them. Even if he was eventually put into a nursing home (he is not yet at that stage) there is still so much that they would have to do. So for the time being, if you all don't mind I might come in here to occasionally vent but hopefully I will get out of this self-pitying phase and prove to myself that I am alot stronger and a better person than I now think myself to be.

Hugs to you all and please forgive me if I forgot anyone.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 4:57 PM, November 10th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, November 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you want to care take as an act and expression of your love for him that is wonderful. If you are doing this out of a sense of obligation to him,

ATS - I think it's a little bit of both right now, maybe a little more of the latter but I'm working on it.
And you know, even though our situations are different, I do think there's something very similar in them. If you can share any thoughts of what you have learned during your process, I would really appreciate hearing them.

Again, hugs and so much gratitude to you all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, I don't have time to back-read, but just want to step in for one quick post.

(((((FNF))))) Oh honey, Im so sorry. It sounds like things are moving on in a pretty relentless way and you are becoming more of a caregiver than wife, companion or friend. I cannot imagine just how hard this is for you, but I would urge you to look into and take all the advice and information regarding help with his care as time goes on. Look into specialist care homes sooner rather than later and maybe take his opinion into account when looking at them. You have such a wonderful family and although you say you dont want to pass the burden on to them, I think there is much they can do to support you when times are tough. Keep them fully in the loop and fully involved. And make sure you still carve out time for yourself you will have to become more selfish as time goes on to ensure you look after yourself.

As for the ILYBINILWY, thats understandable. As if you have tried to hold the elusive butterfly, but its dying before your eyes and all you can feel is sad. If it helps, I dont love fWH anything like I did before d-day or even for the first couple of years after d-day. Im pretty non-committal. fWH and DS17 were caught up in a motorway pile up they were okay, just very, very delayed. But its an awful thing to say, I wasnt that bothered. I was very concerned about DS17, but he was with his Dad, so I knew he was alright. But I was worried about what he was seeing and how he was coping. fWH? Whatever. And I was quite shocked at my lack of concern or compassion for his situation.

I had already decided that if something happens to fWH that fundamentally changes him and our relationship (and I obviously include another A here as well as mental and/or physical health issues) I will not be his primary caregiver. I did all that and got shat on, so I have determined to put myself first. However, I always said if he ever had an affair Id boot him out and divorce him, so another case of I dont really know how Id react unless or until it happens to me.

I hope you will come to a place of forgiveness and acceptance and to appreciate that you stood by all your values during your marriage. He didnt, but that was his problem. Im with MIG, I think you have come through the other side in an amazing way because you are an amazing woman. And I truly believe that the best and kindest thing you can do for yourself is to ensure you continue to live a full life and not be dragged down by being there 24/7 as his caregiver. You dont need to be a better person, you are wonderful just as you are.

Hugs and more hugs (((((FNF)))))

And hugs to everyone here - we are an amazing group.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF - so sorry for your H's diagnosis. I truly know what you are feeling. A year after Dday, my H had bladder cancer. I was so angry because I felt that now I was being burdened with having to care for his dying ass. Alzheimers runs in his family and that's another diagnosis I worry about.

OW is a nurse in a nursing home, so I told him if he ever needs care, I will send him there and let her take care of him since she loves him so much.

You will get through and do what you have to.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - If you can share any thoughts of what you have learned during your process, I would really appreciate hearing them.

Hi fnf, since you asked

The first thing I have learned (and I embrace this) is that I am not responsible for others. For much of my life I felt obligated to take care of things, a trait I got from my childhood. Through my life I would be responsible and take care of things, if someone would not cover a shift I would go in, even if sick. Looking back, I tried to be so good, so helpful, that people had to like me. It did not work. This played into my relationship with FWW. I believe I married her in large part out of feeling she needed my help (KISA), and she adored me. I was insecure about myself, but could feel confident with FWW. Since my IC after the missed dday in 2007, and especially since dday, I have embraced the fact that I am responsible for nobody but me. Sure, when my kids were young I had responsibility to act and think for them, and I still have some legal responsibility for the youngest, but my relationships with others are now interdependent, not co-dependent. I no longer feel I automatically have to give up something I want just because someone else wants the money or time for something else.

I am with FWW now because being here suits me for now better than not being here (path of least regret). I no longer feel any responsibility for helping her or creating an environment for her to help herself. I like FWW, and if she asks I am usually willing to help, as I would for anyone, but I do this because I want to, not because I feel obligated. For most of the last 6 months if I could have left without causing my family and myself financial disaster I think I would have. Instead, I have been working to reduce expenses, lighten our load of stuff to be more mobile, and increasing my income. I am working towards having the financial freedom to act as I want. I am working on building my network of friends for support outside of my M.

When FWW had her recent surgery she felt guilt about needing care and assistance, I did not feel any obligation and was fine with taking care of her. FWW has made it clear in the past, while pretending to be joking, that if I were chronically ill she would leave me. She has had 3 surgeries since we were married, and is at risk for heart disease and breast Cx. While we cannot know what we will do until a situation occurs, I like to think that I will stay or go based on what suits me, not some need of FWWs. If we have a renewed and strengthen relationship, then I would want to stay, regardless of the situation. If our relationship continues as it is or deteriorates, I hope I will eventually leave regardless of the situation.

Long-term financially, FWW clearly is much better if we stay together than if we separate, and I wonder how her realization of this affects her behavior towards me. My earning potential is 2+ times hers. I am 7 years younger, so in my low 50s I have significantly more work life left to prepare for retirement. I am healthier. My parents are much better prepared to pass on some wealth (enough to be comfortable in my old age) when they are gone. Fixing things and dealing with problems typically falls to me. When FWWs parents needed help, she turned to her sister for guidance on what she should do. When her older DD was a problem, she turned to her younger DD and sister. She says that she would never remarry or have another relationship with men, but I do not see her being alone. I think her unspoken (maybe unacknowledged) fear of being alone influences her behavior towards me. I believe that she often acts out of self-preservation, not love. To me, this would help to explain why making love, spending time together, being honest about feelings seems to be such a chore for her.

Finally, just as the LTA presents special problems in achieving R, so too I believe does the A discovered in the late summer or autumn of the M. There is no starting over. All the kids will always be our kids. Most of our adult life experiences, good and bad, we share with our WS. I remember the year when I had been Md to FWW longer than her xH. It was important to me, marking that I was finally the H and he the x, rather than me being the new H. It is very unlikely and becoming a reality that I will never be Md to anyone longer than I have been Md to FWW. So I am not yet clear which will be the preferred path. Do I close out my life with FWW? A life without empathy or emotional intimacy, which is not what I hoped for, but is better than it was. Or do I tear my family apart in the hopes that I might find a decade or so of real love with another person? I can be happy regardless, but I would like to experience the bond like my parents and some friends have with their spouses.

So fnf, I encourage you to act as fits your needs. Be conscious of the differences between concern and pity. Let go of self-imposed obligation. I think the phrase good money after bad applies.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:53 AM, November 11th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in to give hugs to everyone this morning.

I'm heading to the hospital....think they will probably decide if they are going to have to amputate mom's leg today.

Feeling a little overwhelmed and angry right about now.

And, to be honest, a little terrified. I don't think I've said anything here, but when I hacked fWH's phone, I found out that he'd searched divorce lawyers the day after my dad died. (Asshat)

He has always claimed that he did it out of fear or the future, mostly relating to needing to care for my mother. Claims he is in a better place now, will be here for me, isn't going anywhere, never wanted to go anywhere then, etc.

I'm scared.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

w-y-e,

Claims he is in a better place now, will be here for me, isn't going anywhere, never wanted to go anywhere then, etc.

Actions speak louder than words, especially after a LTA.

I'm scared.

understandable. ((worst-year-ever))


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Big hugs, WYE. Take it one minute at a time today and see if you can't do something nice for yourself (a favorite hot beverage or dessert or a manicure on your way home from the hospital or something). Everything will be okay.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are becoming more of a caregiver than wife, companion or friend

UKG - thank you for your post - your words literally made me cry (in a good way - feeling so cared about).
I think the crux of what has me down right now (as I highlighted) is that I feel I don't have a partner. For so many of my M'd life I've had to go it alone - he was the epitome of the absentee H and father. And now this.

I absolutely hate coming across as a martyr and I don't want any of you thinking this about me. I am just in the adjustment phase and I will work this out so that I do take care of myself in the future. I thank you all for your support in this area.

ATS - so much of what you wrote resonates with me. I have always been the caretaker, and always got satisfaction in knowing that others knew they could lean on me. And I had and still do have many who I know I can lean on as well. My family has been amazing. Everyone of my children of course have "stepped up" as well as my mother, brothers and close friends. I think the main hurt is missing having a true partner. I feel so lonely in this area.
And, I miss sex. TMI And even though I guess I could still ask my H for this it just doesn't satisfy me. I've lost my attraction to him and it's so much work "to get there" if you KWIM??? Hopefully you don't.
Gotta run - here he comes.
Ok - back again
NoFun - I have also thought about the OW being "invited" back to take care of him now. I know she would be thrilled to do it too. I actually had a dream a couple of weeks ago where I did just that and when she walked in, I walked out. Hmmm, wonder what my subconscious was trying to tell me.
WYE - I will keep you in my prayers. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I do hope they are able to save her leg. And as UKG said, hopefully your H will continue to be the support for you that you will need as you care for your Mom.
((((((((WYE))))))))
To all the tribe - thank you so much for your beautiful thoughts. I am grateful to each and every one of you.
Again, as UKG said, we are an amazing group. I love you all.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 1:13 PM, November 11th (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, November 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post Ats. Thanks for sharing. Ive done the same thing for all of my life other people come first. It has been the hardest thing to let go of that. It means I feel Im not doing enough, but you are right and I have to shake myself from that sense of responsibility. In the immediate aftermath of d-day, my thought and concerns were for my boys and for WH!!!! Like, how would he cope if I threw him out, what would the boys think of him, where would he live, what if his parents found out (they did in the end), what about his job, the fact that I took care of the billsetc. I mean, really, what was I thinking? Not about me enough, if at all, thats obvious!

It reminds me of the quote never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Clearly I was an option for WH and he took advantage of my good nature, so now I try to think of and put myself first. His health is HIS responsibility.

WYE. Thinking of you and your mom. Im relieved that your H is still being a rock for you. I think you did say something about looking up divorce lawyers and I seem to recall saying that he might have been second guessing your reaction to finding out. Getting his advice in case you threw him out. But that was then and as long as you found out your standing too, then you can say you had that covered. I sought advice several months after d-day. fWH had investigated his circumstances by chatting to, but not giving away his situation, a few friends and colleagues who had recently separated and/or divorced. So he knew the lie of the land before I did.

FNF, you will always be heard. I wonder if you might feel less alone if you found a support group for carers and would-be carers in your situation. Sharing problems, anticipating situations, sharing information, etc over a coffee or lunch or an evening group meeting might help. And there will be people you can ring at odd hours should things get too much. I dont know what to suggest about the sex though Im guessing its as much about intimacy as sex itself. And Im not going to suggest the only way I can think of right now!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, November 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ATS and the other for comment about my "tiff" with my W. We said sorry to each other and had a great time at the Sushi Bar last night. She went to the Dr and got on an AD again.

For me, I know that sex is very important to being desirable and a good M. If one person is unsatisfied, it becomes a problem that must be resolved in some way. My W and I are trying. I think I could have sex every day. That is my compromise, she is not some hole. She says she lacks libido. I know my W does not want to have sex. She makes the choice to have sex with me for me. I appreciate that. It still feels very good and she tries to get involved. She admits at some point does get into it. Its always about the start. It hurts me to know what she thinks about sex and I really have a hard time understanding how she feels because I never felt that way. I still have that passion for a good rock my world.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Sad  Posted: 4:25 PM, November 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I hit the wall.

Cried for hours last night.

Mom is losing her foot. The surgeon is meeting with her today sometime.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, November 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gots only 2 minutes....


wye: you may have hit a wall, but you are still standing....i am so sorry about your mom's foot....your plate is so overflowing....

its at times like these that a support system can mean life support for your soul, i hope you have some peeps irl to be there with you.....you will get through this as will your mom....

(((wye)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WYE))) You are in my thoughts.

I've been quiet these few weeks..thinking...thinking & thinking...
I'M DONE

I'm not going to ruin xmas but in the New Year I will make separation with WW official. I will as I have done to date stay for the kids with the view to divorce in a few years when the youngest is a little older & can fully understand what has happened. Its not the affair of the last 2 years this marriage was going south from when our first was born. I didnt see or understand the signs as they presented themselves then. We havent slept together for years so whats the difference. I dont want to be 2nd choice anynmore = i deserve to be someones 1st choice. I want female friendship, a companion, a lover ...its selfish but my relationship with ww is toxic.
Even if she has a lightbulb moment in the next 10 minutes i know nothing will change unless see seeks help for herself & i know that she is incapable of doing that.Im tired of this shit - i want a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just catching up slowly.

WYE - I'm so sorry for the bad news regarding your Mum. It will seem trite to say "take it easy" because you have to be there for her, but please look after yourself. Hugs.

DP - Sounds like you are coming to the surface. You have the right to a life where you are valued and are loved unconditionally. Your girls will come out of this OK, I've learned over the past 12 months that kids are more resilient that we think they are. I come from a broken home and I survived. I never wanted my own kids to go through the same but life isn't always a fairytale unfortunately. Hugs to you too.


Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((WYE))))) Hope your mom comes through this. Im so sorry, and sorry that it doesnt sound good. Give yourself some respite and lean on your H who sounds as if he is there for you. Let us know how it goes. Look after yourself youve been through so much lately, make sure you dont overload. Big hugs.

DP as we always say here, only you know when you have reached the end. If you have Christmas plans you want to stick to, view them in an objective and dispassionate way. Christmas is a project and once its out of the way, you can get out your GANTT chart and plot your progress as you separate and move towards divorce. You do deserve to be No 1 in someones life and Im sure that person is out there. But get this out of the way first. No woman wants to be your rebound, so take things step by cautious step. The girls will be okay. You are a great father and a constant in their lives. You have done as much as any man could have done and this may be the time to call it a day.

Tryn', Your wife should never feel like a "hole" while you are emotionally engaged. you never treat her in that way and use persuasion rather than threat or force. She should feel loved and desired during sex. Even if I'm not initiating or if I don't "get there", I can still enjoy sex. Just sayin'

DS25 & DS27 are here for a couple more days. DS25 came with me to A&E. fWH has cracked some ribs so we were holed up at the hospital while they did tests and X-rays. He was given the max of morphine and sent home with painkillers to see him through the next few days. He fell down a steep slope on the golf course and landed on his clubs. But hes okay. Hell sleep (maybe.) propped up on pillows. DS27 got the car and clubs and brought them home. I love my boys, theyre just the best!

Pop in when I can. I am another who is coming to realise things are never going to be anything like they were before. I live with a liar. I still feel strangely detached and was completely unemotional about Hs pain. The only thing I was aware of was listening for any gurgling or rattling that might indicate a punctured lung or the symptoms of a collapsed lung. He was taking very short and shallow breaths. But DS25 has done first aid stuff and is a volunteer fireman, so he kept a check on him in the back seat as I drove. Otherwise? Not as concerned as I would have been or as I should be. I think the business of withholding information to his whereabouts and not telling me about a random text last month and done it. Hes not who I thought he was and he never will be.

Rambling out.....


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to read so many sad posts

FNF-my heart goes out to you.

WYE- So sorry to read about your mother's situation.

Ats-
your post about your FWW was so sad but the answer is in there...

Do I close out my life with FWW? A life without empathy or emotional intimacy, which is not what I hoped for, but is better than it was. Or do I tear my family apart in the hopes that I might find a decade or so of real love with another person? I can be happy regardless, but I would like to experience the bond like my parents and some friends have with their spouses.

Tryin- That sex thing that you describe with your FWW- is very common in women of all ages...especially with older women.
I will try to find the article written by an MD on this subject.
Seems that many women do not feel like they are 'in the mood' but do find themselves enjoying the intimacy once they get into it...

[This message edited by njgal480 at 10:02 PM, November 13th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, November 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight I told FWW I want to plan for our D. How we will deal with the house, what each of us would need to live, etc. She was surprised, but the more we talked the clearer it was to me that we are not compatible. Neither of us is a bad person at this point, the M is not intolerable, it just is not working. To me, it is clear that if we met today we might like each other, but I would never consider marrying her.

I have made it clear that I need physical contact (including sex) to feel connected in this M. FWW has been just as clear that she is not comfortable with sex and other touching. She sees emotional intimacy as being dependant on another person and she is not able to do this. When I tell her what I feel and what I want she feels bullied and unworthy.

We will do a few MC sessions after T-giving. If I get a job offer where I am interviewing it will be just before or just after the new year. If the offer comes I would move about a month later. If the offer does not come, I hope FWW can be moved out by summer.

Divorcing will not make my life better, and initially it will cause problems, but it offers the opportunity for a real loving relationship sometime in the future and puts an end to the limbo of this one. We will both leave this M more self-aware.

-- Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:25 PM, November 13th (Sunday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

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