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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn.

One of the first things I thought of when I read what your W said was the fact that I have heard many widows/widowers state that they were never getting married again. I'm not sure that this applies here but they were saying that their spouse could never be replaced and so why try. BTW, many of those were married within a year or two. Like the A, I think this is not about you. I think that she could be afraid of many things when thinking about getting M again. She did recently renew her vows with you. I think she was saying that she wants you and just does not want another. For me, I try to "never say never." How many here at SI probably said if my H or W ever cheats on me I will NEVER stay?

You asked if I still have these moments? Yes I still do. For many that may not be the case, but for me the A is always hanging around in my mind. It is a scar that I think will always be there in some form. I think it is hard to avoid comparing things. I do it less often but sometimes it just pops out. Like most WSs my W would never want to say anything that would trigger any thoughts of the A for me. She wants the whole thing buried and gone. It is a closed subject to her. She does still say things that I somehow relate to the A but she has no idea that I am viewing her statements like that. There are times that I think about pointing out some of the things that bother me. Like you are doing with this situation I just let it drop.

m3.

Thanks for the update. It is good to hear that Babby Paddy is having such a good time. Is she going to be a zombie pirate for halloween? She chould just go as herself. That would be the queen of the m3 household.

Honest.

This IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Is your mother still in rehab? I know that BPDs get pretty cranky if they lose all chance of controling things. When is Mr. NPD leaving? Soon I hope. Keep venting.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip.. thanks for weighing in. I think I'm a lot like you. The A's will never leave me and I will always have these ugly, imperfect, negative thoughts about my W. That innocence, you are the greatest, you are perfect, is gone forever. I can control my comments and not to be undesirable though. It would be really good to live your life with someone you honestly believe is a great woman like I once had in my mind.
No, I really don't believe my W to want to intentionally hurt me with that comment.

Honest, hope you are feeling better today too.

Nell, good luck with the D talk.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe!

I'm in a really good mood today, for no particular reason! LOL

It can happen, even when life is shit.

Yay for that.

Sending hugs to all of you out there taking the other path on the fork in the road. Some days I fear we may be headed that way, but I'm not going down without a fight. I guess as long as he's willing to work, I have to let him.

Speaking of which, we got a ton of snow, and HE SHOVELED THE DRIVEWAY!!!! The asshat he used to be, he never did. Would just back his car out of the garage and go on about his business (after a booty call of course). Meanwhile, I'd be out there shoveling to get my car out and get the kids to school.

He shoveled.

I know y'all are probably laughing at me right about now, but in my world it is huge!

My mom is still a complete NPD trainwreck. Found out she never even called the county mental health dept, even though she claims she did. fWH has been working hard on getting through to her, he's relentless.

I can't do it anymore, my body won't let me handle the stress, so he is taking it on.

Mad props for fWH today. He's literally digging himself out.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
Yay! for saying what you did to the NPD asshat!What a selfish, insensitive man.
And as for your mom....do not let her get to you.
You are a wonderful daughter.
remember..with BPDs...you can do 100 things right for them and then you do not do one little thing and...you are in the dog house.
All the good things you have done are forgotten and the focus is on the one negative.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knock, Knock.

Hello. Is anyone home?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not me...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at the Calgary airport... will be home in about 3 hours! VERY Quiet in LTA... is no news meaning good news? I have grandson tomorrow so won't be able to check in until evening. Hope all is as well as can be under our LTA circumstances. I barely skimmed the last 12 days but have been thinking of and wishing everyone well.

{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No! Not really, anyway. It's Halloween, which means at least 5 consecutive days of parties, parades and school events in my universe. I'll stop by when I can. :)

I'm really going to enjoy Halloween more now that I know fWH f*cked up all the other holidays with the OW.

We'll always have Arbor Day.

Hahahahahahahaha


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE -- SNOW?! Where the freak do you live? Alaska!? It's O-C-T-O-B-E-R. The Pasha wore shorts to school for heavens sake!

Tryn: the general consensus amongst my friends is that none of us would marry again. Most of them have not experienced infidelity. I think it's more of a marriage is a PITA and I'm not having more kids so screw that kind of thing.

Of course, the one thing I've learned from all of this is to never say never.

M33-
Does she have one ear pierced because she started wiggling too much and wouldn't let them 'do' the other ear?
Glad to hear that BP is doing so well.

Nope. They did them both. About 3 days later she figured out how to pull the right one out. The 3rd time, when I found her sucking on it in her crib in the morning I gave up. She likes the one she left in. What can I say? That's how she rolls. Maybe I should have just pierced her nose.

To make a long story short -- I have now been referred for twice weekly CBT. Hope it helps! Well, that and kolnopin added to my meds. Long term stress and bipolar are not friends. I've also been told that really even light drinking doesn't go with my main med and perhaps I should stop until I'm feeling better. What a buzzkill (ha -- very punny)

Nell -- I did miss your humor.

WH is out of town for business the next two night.

It's been 2 years since Dday and I don't trust him at all still. Not sure I have anywhere to go with this.

I got a annual review that went something like the quality of your work is Outstanding but you have to do a WHOLE LOT more of it but we're not going to fire you for now. It reminds me of that D in O chem I was happy to get because hey at least I graduated.

My boss suggested I go half time. If I were half time the same amount of work would be Outstanding as well. I'm going to have to put finances aside and seriously consider it for now.

What else? I have to have an EEG because I started having neurological symptoms, hence the klonopin since the neurologist thinks its anxiety manifesting physically as well as behaviorally but of course will double check.

Sooo... I'm still a mess and pissed about it but the only other thing I've learned is that you're going to be a mess until you're not and if you try to hurry that up its actually even counterproductive so you just have to ride it out.

Peace to all of you today.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Yes very quiet here in LTA lately. I even had to scroll down a few times to find the thread!!!

Tryn

Honey I don't know what's going on inside your FWH's head. I just don't. I could speculate but that's all it'd be. Me, I don't ever want to marry again. Doesn't mean I won't but right now this minute. Nope.

M33

I really hope they get your meds sorted for you soon honey. You need to look after your health. I can hear so much sadness in your words. Stay strong and keep sending us these lovely BP stories. I'm sure writing them makes you smile as it does us. HUGS


At Laura's Place

Had a lovely chat recently with a dear old (not in years in acquaintance ) friend. Sadly he lost his first wife at a young age to cancer and he found out not long ago that his second wife (of over 20yrs) was having an A. She confessed, gave him the NILWY - and never have been - speech and left for the A partner. They had a blended family, with both already having children when they married. All are now suffering because of her behviour.

His now XW said and did some truly terrible things after dday. She has shown no remorse and has alienated most of the children through her selfishness. Of course she and the love of her life split after a very short time.

My friend is a true gentleman who did all he could to be the best possible husband and father. He did not deserve this pain (of course none of us did!)

I hope that those of you with a strong faith will keep him in your prayers. He has an extraordinary faith himself and he and the children could really do with them.

I told him about the site and I know he lurks but am not sure if he has joined. I know he would appreciate knowing that my LTA friends are thinking of and praying for him.

I've had a major event at work which has eaten up many hours over many months but now thank goodness is done. All went OK and I can now relax.

This weekend will be interesting. The day after tomorrow is our 29th wedding anni. Of course today I tried to buy a card and triggered like crazy. I got something but it's quite blah and I really don't know if it's better than nothing. I won't lie about my feelings with soppy stuff that I don't mean.

I really think we need to go into the greeting card business. There really must be a market because the cards in the shops are shit!!! Perhaps we could lighten the mood here with some clever verses for post dday anni cards.

I'm no poet but I'm sure some of you can come up with something.

Here's my very poor effort:

Happy anniversary honey.
I'm glad we are still together
and I'm happy that you are sorry
that you spent time in bed with OWs.
Hopefully sometime soon
I will feel
I haven't wasted my life.

Hugs from your Faithful Wife

Or

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm really so glad
No OWs are %^&&*ing you

See I told you it would be a poor effort!!!!

I am really not looking forward to going through this crap every year. Somebody HELP!!!!

Anyway, bless him he has organised a weekend away. I don't know where. First time in history he has done something like this. Will keep you posted.

Anyway must pack.

Take care all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 4:26 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're so funny Laura28. I am so praying for your friend.

I don't know why some very good people get the short end of the stick in life with relationships.

I don't know if we really KNOW our partners when we commit. We do the best we can to reduce the risk and make a choice.

Sometimes life just hits people differently - and we couldn't predict.

My heart goes out to all that had to (and continue to) deal with infidelity. Its indescribable.

Huges to all within the Tribe and everyone who takes the time to read and post - and who are really trying.


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm now separated but this time WH left me.

I find it funny in a weird way.

WH has anger issues and is very controlling about money. We had a huge blow up (both at fault) and he chose to walk out.

I realized this morning when I got up to get the kids ready for school that he had packed up his stuff and really LEFT.

He left me over money issues and his anger at me.

I'm not sad, I'm pissed. I have four little kids (10, 9, 6,& 4) that will get to hear for the 3rd time in a year that their parents are separating. (I kicked him out last year because of false R which he still claims was unfair)

Our DS(6) had a horrible time this summer dealing with last years separation. He kept talking about his Dad having a girlfriend (we never told them about the A's) and having to chose between his Dad and Momma and how he knew his dad was cheating and had girlfriends.

WH and I have gone above and beyond to protect them from our drama but the separations caused pain for our kids.

I don't give a rats#$% what WH's problem is but he just messed with my babies lives AGAIN.

But right now I have to got finish 24 bat cupcakes for DD's pre-K Fall party.

He promised me that he wasn't going to leave no matter how hard R got. But what else would I expect from a man without honesty, integrity, and honor.

I am one tired woman.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, y'all.

WH starts his job on Monday. He has been out of work for three months. This job pays substantially more than his last job (which evens out the three months where he was pulling in zero money but not reducing costs elsewhere). He has done whatever he wants for the last three months, has not stepped up his responsibilities around the house, has spent money on his big business plan (before all but abandoning it for the next money-making scheme). And he is pissed off at the prospect of having to go back to work. My eyeballs are rolling so far into the back of their sockets that I've got a slight migraine.

He's also been dumbassing all over the place this past week. Not anything out of character, just way more stuff in a shorter amount of time than usual. Not sure if it's him or Someone Else working through him to point out that I'm doing the right thing.

Either way, I'm oddly grateful that he is being such a POS at the moment.

Slow day yesterday... looks like it's picking up today, though!

dip,
Who's there?

m3,
I hope they get the meds right without having to do too much fiddling. I feel lucky (respectively) that I didn't suffer more in the way of physical effects post-DDays. I lost a lot of weight that I haven't been able to put back on, but I think (hope) I'll be able to gain it back soon. Thank you for the Baby Paddy stories! I hope I get to meet her some day.

tryn,
How are you today?

Laura,
Last anniversary, I went into the card aisle, grabbed one that didn't have a lot of foofy script words on the front and bought it without reading it. I've gotten the cards with the music when you open them, too... I don't read those, either, but you can figure out whether they're goofy or shmoopie by the songs they play. Anyway, I said a prayer for your friend and their combined children.

Godsgirl,
I married a coward, too. I didn't allow him to leave when he was still trying to decide which option (faithful wife or whackjob mistress) looked better to him, and didn't kick him out for more than a few days after DDays because I didn't want to make things worse for the Boyos. I get it. Mama bear. BTW: batshit crazy cupcakes. Love it.

lost,
Missed you. Fly safely!

I've missed people again. So... Hugs all around. Nell out!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell-
Glad to hear that your STBXH got a job. It will make the S/D so much easier for you and the kids.

Laura-
You are funny! I have often thought that there could be a nitch for "infidelity Greeting Cards" as well as "Divorce Cards".

So sorry for your friend.

Godsgirl-
Maybe you should hold off saying anything to your children about S.
Could you just tell them that their dad had to go away on a work related trip for a few days?
Just on case he cools off and comes home with his tail between his legs?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - out anniv was in Sept - I bought a blank card & wrote to & from - that was it - my heart wasnt in it.
Prayers for your friend - I can relate to his story so very much - loosing my mother to cancer when i was 6 affected my father in so many ways - we never talked about it or her - i wish we had before he passed away a few years ago.

Godgirl - I am so sorry you & your beautiful little tribe are going thru so much pain right now. Take care of them.

M33 - go BP - she is one amazing little girl - takes after her mum.

Tribe - take care this w/e


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wh came over to take our 3 DD to a father/daughter dance and we had words.

Because I don't want him being able to come into the house whenever he wants and hang out here whenever he wants to spend time with the kids I'm being a bitch and pushing him away even further.

He said the feelings of being done have been building for a while, that he just can't take anymore and I'm not the woman he thought I was.

Translation: it's much easier to run away and point the finger at me than face yourself. All that anger is hiding something and it has nothing to do with me and money.

But now what little trust he had gain has been completely destroyed. How do I know there isn't another woman. All my anxiety and depression about this time of year and December coming up and now he breaks his promise to never leave.

The tears have arrived. I'm so disappointed in WH.

[This message edited by Godsgirl at 10:08 PM, October 28th (Friday)]


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn,
My h said the same thing re m...when I asked him to explain, he said he would not have then ended up hurting so many people. Makes some kind of weird sense...LOL.

When he asked me the question,I said the same thing, funny enough. IC taught me that I m'd him for the wrong reasons, so I carry that burden on my own.

But here we are, some 5 years post dday, making the best (on our good days) of it.

What I am trying to say, T, in my awkward way, was that perhaps she didn't mean as a slight on you so much as on her own self.

((( tribe)))


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My week actually got better. :)

I love Halloween.

Plus, OW used to work with fWH (he was her boss, would have been a really bad thing if they'd been caught...too bad he didn't think about that).

Anyway, she hasn't worked there for almost a year, but is friends with a few people who are still there. I always had this lingering fear that she'd show up at something because of them.

BOTH OF THEM got laid off Friday. Not that I'd wish for someone to lose their job, or anything, but yay for side effects!


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-
Yay! The less toxic people/reminders at work the better.
Hopefully this will be helpful for your R.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE: It's good to see the Karma bus arrive!!

Nell: Now that WH has a job, it could help you go on to decide what is best for you.

Laura: I'm so sorry you are triggering this weekend. It's hard with the anniversaries, especially trying to go through the "old" ways of celebrating. You now have a "new" marriage, or are working on one. Now is the time for new traditions, and if that includes no cards, or you making one yourself, then do it.

M3: I love the Baby Paddy updates, God bless her!! She is our inspiration!

Happy Halloween!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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