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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just need to get something off my chest as I am triggering big time at the moment.

Stbxh brought his slut (OW2) into town over the weekend in order to introduce her to his mother. I found this out via my son who he'd asked to meet up with them too (he refused). Stbx is always complaining about the lack of time he has with our DD13 but never contacted her over the weekend to snatch even an hour with her. No, it is more important for him to gain approval from his mother regarding his whore. He has chosen to base himself with OW2 in another town 3 hours away. He disgusts me, he really does. He was writing to OW1 this time last year trying to arrange a 3some between them all, describing OW2 as nothing more than a "fuck" and now he wants his family to accept this relationship as one that deserves their respect. This slut has validated everything he has done obviously and patted him on the back, hence his attachment to her. I know that he has put his mother in a very difficult situation but I feel that if she embraces this OW in any form whatsoever, even out of a sense of obligation to her son then basically she is throwing me to the kerb emotionally. This is the domino effect of infidelity. It changes ALL your relationships.

My DD13 asked me the other day if I had invited her grandmother and WH's sister etc to our Christmas street party this year. It is so hard for my kids to understand how hard it is for me to do that when I know that I will NEVER be included in any of their family events again purely because of the situation WH has put us all in. Will I be invited to their houses this Christams? I seriously doubt it.

I am meeting with stbxh this evening re financial matters. I am worried I will go off my head and start ranting. I want to remain cold and aloof with him because I know that my emotions will just fall on deaf ears. My feelings are not important any more and haven't been for a very long time nor has those of his kids.

How do I handle this. I really want to challenge him about coming to town and not seeing his daughter. Or do I just say nothing and let him dig his own grave?


Ellejay

[This message edited by Ellejay at 4:02 PM, October 24th (Monday)]


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33-
Does she have one ear pierced because she started wiggling too much and wouldn't let them 'do' the other ear?
Glad to hear that BP is doing so well.

Nell- Sorry to hear that your WH is throwing in the towel. Reconciling is difficult-guess he just wants to take the easy way out for himself now.

Honest-
You sound strong.
Keep reminding yourself that Mr. NPD is a Narcissist! Totally. And he uses his cultural traditions to justify his actions...when they are just examples of his NPD and immorality and selfishness.
As for the BPD and NPD going hand in hand? They often do...
My mother exhibits both.
And you're right... I think living with this as children trained us to expect too little from our marriages.

The new 'me' will not allow myself to be mistreated.

Here is some info on BPD mothers:

http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/02/understanding-my-borderline-mother.html

Ellejay- did your WH leave the marriage for the OW?
Is he still involved with her?

ats-
how do you feel about your FWW wanting to work on the marriage now?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJ - My H didn't leave the marriage for OW2. After D-day 20/11/10, I kicked him out on his ear. There were other issues as well re my decision to kick him out which I can't discuss here but anyway. Stbxh used OW2 as a support system whilst he was nursing his bruised ego. He spent 40 minutes on the phone to her on Christmas day (she rang him apparently) to make sure he wasn't busy "topping himself". The poor man. She basically allowed him to use her as a counsellor as well as for sex so of course stbxh thought that was absolutely marvellous! Seeing as everyone else had basically disowned him at the time, he just leapt at the opportunity to have someone in his court, someone who could tell him everything he wanted to hear. He hasn't told her the truth about a lot of things. She is a nuts as he is obviously. She just wanted an excuse to end her own marriage I'm assuming, so the two of them have gravitated together. They deserve each other quite frankly.

Anyway, someone sent the following to me today. I thought we could all do with some humour, hence I'm sharing.



Love to everyone. My head is all over the place this morning but I'll try and give you all my support to your various trials later today.

Thanks tribe.


Ellejay


I stuffed up the picture, hence the edit!

[This message edited by Ellejay at 4:38 PM, October 24th (Monday)]


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ellejay-
Sorry about what you are dealing with right now.
I read your profile.
Yikes! Your STBXH had a 5 yr LTA with your neighbor and friend and then was ogling OW2 to have a threesome with!
And after you kicked him out he ended up with OW2?

Whatever happened to OW1?
He thre her under the bus for OW2?
Is OW2 still married?

My advice to you for meeting up with the STBXH is to take the high road. Say nothing.
Let him dig his own grave.
Let his family get an eyeful of this OW.

And... about the holidays....why don't you invite your children's aunts/uncles/and grandmother to a Xmas dinner at your house? or a post Xmas dinner if the STBXH will be there on Xmas.
Ignore him and the skanky OW.
Focus on making yourself and your children happy.
And... if your children would like to spend some time with their family members why not encourage this?
You can stilll maintain a relationship with them without your STBXH.
You just have to see them when he is not around.

And...as hard as it may be-you need to try to keep the converstaion neutral with his mother and sister.
They may be disgusted with his actions but...they are his family and they may feel like they must defend him to you.
So..take the high road and just sit back and watch his world implode.

Talk about karma....he and OW2 will be getting back just what they deserve.
A relationship that starts out with a woman that he considered a slut and a possible threesome partner...will not amount to anything.

Are there drugs and/or alcohol involved in his behaviors?

Try to keep your interractions with him focused on the business at hand. Don't get into a discussion of the OW or even what he plans to do with the children.
Frankly, I wouldn't want OW2 anywhere near my children.

Are you legally separated? The best plan would be for all the discussions to go through your attorney.

Don't get involved in his drama.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJ - thanks for your good advice.

Stbxh dropped OW1 immediately upon my discovery and apart from an email where he stated "they both needed help and could no longer see each other" (no shit Sherlock!) he hasn't had contact with her. There is also a legal matter pending which prohibits him from contacting anyone in her family including her (another horrific and devastating story which I wish I could go into but for legal reasons can't). He then kept in contact with OW2 because she was buying his crap and telling him what he wanted to hear. Phone records show he spent 40 mins on the phone to her on Christmas Day. Time he could have been spending with his kids but anyway. Apparently she rang him to find out if he was "OK, and not busy topping himself". The poor man. Of course he has latched onto this devotion seeing as most of our mutual friends have dumped him due to their disgust. I can't say how OW1 feels about this but I can only imagine she would feel extremely slighted that he has taken up with the other slut rather than her. He allegedly told her that he was going to leave me for OW1. Yeah right. Too busy eating cake for that. She is out for revenge, I need do nothing really but sit back and watch the fireworks.

Anyway, OW2 has apparently dumped her H in preference for mine. Obviously needed someone in line before she could take the plunge. They have been cohabitating one week on one week off for several months (he is away on business a lot). That's OK. She can have him.

As for WH's family, my ILs etc. His sister and mother are in denial, won't talk about it. I haven't seen his sister for months. She rings other members of the family and tells them that I have done certain things out of revenge and it was only sex, so I should just get over it. I have actually acted impeccably compared to what I could have done. I have maintained my dignity throughout all of this. I have tried to contain it for the sake of my kids, so go figure.

I still love his mother, she and I have always had a very close relationship but she will not acknowledge what her son has done. Won't talk about it, even to ask me how I'm doing emotionally. It's as if I've just moved house because I preferred to scenery rather than where I was. I would love to be able to invite them round for Christmas but I have a feeling that I will never been included in any future family events as far as they are concerned. Not because they hate me or anything but just because I am no longer considered the partner of their son/brother.

I could of course throw a real spanner in the works and tell them that Christmas is at my house this year (it's usually at my SIL's). Now that's a thought.

I'll take your advice and keep my mouth shut this evening. Although there are times when the arrogance of my stbxh is simply too much to bear.

Hugs to all


Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Seems like we're all getting a load of shit this week.

That warning Laura just posted....heed it. I spent a few hours in the ER last night getting worked up for chest pain. Stress freaking sucks.

Working on the 180 with my NPD mom, and I don't think she'll ever get it. She left me a horrible message accusing me of not caring about her at all and only worrying about money (she has blown almost everything, gave the rest to a scammer in 4 months...she has nothing left to live on, and I can't/won't support her).

Needing to work real hard on finding peace tonight.

Sending hugs to you all.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE - Hugs to you. Stay strong regarding your mother, that would be gut wrenching but you cannot go on letting her drain you.

Peace to you tonight.


Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1072 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey tribe...

nell...i am both sorry to hear your news and yet proud of you for doin what you gotta do...and knowing that although it all sucks you will come out of this just fine....a few bumps and bruises, especially upon your heart...but you will be more then ok....you are an amazing woman, strong and with an amazing sense of humor and grasp on life.....


honest: you do sound strong and very reserved.....i too am waitin for you to lose it and just get mad, really good and mad...but i sense that you won't allow yourself to do that until you no longer depend on him for support, the financial kind....that and a bit of the fear i think you have of him and his possible reactions....


ellejay:...my parents divorced when i was little...my dad left my mom for her sister...he married her..my grandmother, his mother tried to make him not only leave his new wife but tried to shun her...my dad stuck up for his new wife and told his mother that it was not her place and the needed to accept her and him together or he would not be visiting anymore...they were a package deal...my grandmother loved my mom, but she loved her son...so she accepted his new wife and still kept my mother as another daughter....holidays were not really an issue...they were stange since we were all one huge dysfunctional family....but my mom took yet another high road on that too....i won't go into all of it, but the gist is...if you want to keep her do so...she is still family...you are the mother of her grandchildren...as for your sil, with her attitude...good riddance...

take the high road at all possible times, in the long run it will not only be your path of least regret but i think you will find that the reactions of your children will warm your "soul".....


cant remember anyone elses post to comment...

miracle update...manchilds accident last week left him with a headache he couldn't shake...so yesterday he spent the day working as a referree blowing a whistle which took his headache over the edge...he woke this morn and said it felt even worse...being that the headache never went away since the accident i decided he needed a ct to rule out a brain bleed...but i had school, so pfm took the day off...(complained about what work he would be missin, but did it anyway) to take him to the dr...i could not take off from school...i would if i thought it would turn out to be anything other then normal results..but i still wanted confirmation...anyways this was a first for me...i couldn't be with my kid...i did ask manchild if he wanted me there, he said it didn't matter he would be fine with his dad...so i opted not to lose the day at school and spent most of the morning crying...damn im cryin now as i think about it...i am once again renewed in my hatred for pfm....not that if ever left, but it was at least somewhat ebbed....pfm saw me crying and thought i was worried about manchild...yes i had a bit of worry, but i had way way more resentment that i couldn't be there for my kid...and i told him so...of course he tells me he's sorry...like thats gonna change anything or fix anything....all along there were and are options....including him telling me that he would support me no matter what and fill out papers proving that he would do right by me for the first time....but of course NOT....

anyways, at school i have to say my classmates seeing me were awesome, got some very much needed hugs and lots of support...even my teachers were great today...they knew i needed to keep my cell phone available and to be able to text throughout the morn and they were not only ok with it but asked me how he was, or if i got any news and both told me that i could go if i needed...but i didn't want to leave unless it was necessary.....and if it did turn out to be anything i would need to take off for whatever it was.....

anyways....after much stuff..manchild's ct scan was normal....so i have peace of mind and am really tired, was and still feels like a very emotional day...


nite tribe...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Miracle}}}}}} I'm so glad to hear that manchild is ok. Did you bring him to the doctor also? Maybe he has a slight concussion?
All of the aftereffects suck. All of the things that the WS decided to do affects all of the family, and they never thought for a second about that, just themselves.
There is so much loss. You are and always were a good mother. I know it hurts, I truly do {{{{{Miracle}}}

WYE: I'm sorry that you had to spend time in the ER with chest pains. I, too, had to go to the ER for the same thing in the beginning. They kept me for the weekend, but it turned out to be a panic/anxiety attacks. I hope you are seeing an IC. With my BPD mom with a lot of NPD traits, it was difficult to say the least to deal with her and NPD WH. Dealing with a mother like that, it almost seemed 'normal" dealing with NPD WH's behavior.

M3: Thanks for the Baby Paddy update. I am so happy to hear she is doing so well!!


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EllejayÖ My BIL left is first W and married his AP. Family members were not happy at first, but eventually all was accepted. I never much paid much attention to what happened when all this was going on. I do remember my MIL and W discussing what all my X-SIL was doing and was on her side, but they stuck by my BIL. It just happens. The people you can usually count on the most is your parents. No matter how wrong you do.

I look at my x-SIL a whole lot different today after my D-day. Today, my x-SIL remarried, got a nursing degree, and everyone gets along very well for the sake of all the kids and grandkids. I know she overcame great pain only to fall in love again.

It is your fate now if you make it so.

miracle... You are a good mother. It is OK to allow others to help you in life. Your new career is most important toward you son's future. It's OK to let you H take this role.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:34 AM, October 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So Sunday night my W and I were talking and we answered a question to each otherÖ Would we ever get married again? I said yes. She said no.

Itís been making me feel like a failure. I feel slighted. OKÖ so she made a bad choice in life by getting married and no way she will make that choice again. Iím hurting a little over this. Itís like, a ďmistakeĒ in life is to get married.

For me, marriage is security and partnership. To me, itís bond to build a family unit of total safety to know you have someone to rely on, depend on, be there for you when you hurt, feel down, and need companionship. Itís someone to share with in confidence and have fun with. When you are not married, that means you can walk at any time. A promise is something that gives me good feelings. Of course I want that in my life. This is about comfort to me.

Her comments leave me with some doubt, some insecurities and thoughts she does not trust herself to even be in a relationship.

For me, marriage might be comparable to having an employment contract or tenured for life. You sign that employment contract and know that you as long as you work at your job, not be abusive, you have that security of a paycheck and job. You cannot be fired. I feel like just an employee without a contract.

Iím married to someone who feels like marriage is not so good. It's like a comment that says to me I'm not happy and it is because I'm stuck, unhappy, etc... I'm bothered by this. She is getting ready to hear how I feel about this... On a scale, It's maybe a 7 or 8 in concern to me. What do you think?

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:46 AM, October 25th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trynhard,

My FWW says the same thing, she would not get M again. Shw would hoard dogs and work long hours, but not get into another relationship. I know her better than she knows herself, I am sure that she would.

She told both the OM who talked of futures together that she would not get M again, although she did think about being M'd to each of them.

FWW says that if it does not work with me, it will not ever work. This is not a reflection on me. Like her As, this is a reflection n her. Her ability to be intimate, to empathize, to put the M first.

Like you, I thought that I had M tenure at some point. Truth is that none of us ever did. We have always had the option to leave. Our WSs took a second choice, to take a M vacation and have a fling with OP.

I ask FWW why I should be happy with her, if she feels she could never be good for anyone. That question is not wel answered.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3963 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, marriage is security and partnership. To me, itís bond to build a family unit of total safety to know you have someone to rely on, depend on, be there for you when you hurt, feel down, and need companionship. Itís someone to share with in confidence and have fun with. When you are not married, that means you can walk at any time. A promise is something that gives me good feelings. Of course I want that in my life. This is about comfort to me.

Tryn: I agree 1000% with this description. But I think there are those like our WS's that don't feel secure, but trapped.
NPD WH told me many times in the past that the concept of "eternity" and "forever" scares him and WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE UNIVERSE AND HEAVEN!!!! He really felt this way. He told me it really scares him, and I told him that the idea of heaven being forever was security for me..... He felt afraid of the concept of the universe going on forever too...
I know I've mentioned this to a few people over the years, and there were some who also were afraid of the idea of eternity.
Ask your FWW this question about how she feels about this. I really feel there is a connection with a WS who has this fear and the fear of a real committment. The idea of forver scares them. It makes many feel secure. This is not a "right" or "wrong" answer, but a feeling, a deep feeling.

Ellejay: It is a shame that we lose a lot of people when we S/D. I kept in contact with my first xWH's family over the years. Yes, it changes, some people you lose. The relationships change. I still keep in touch with my xSIL, because she is my sons' aunt and we always got along. (this is after 23 years of D)
Your MIL is in a hard place. I know my grandmother was very angry with my father when he left my mother. But what could she do? She and my mother still kept in touch but just didn't talk about him. NC is the best, and you focus on the relationship between you and the MIL without stbxwh. It is hard, it is a transition, but it will work out for the best. Yes, I agree, you will no longer be invited to their family events. It hurts, I know, but you can still invite her to your children's birthday parties, etc as you see fit.

Make it a relationship with YOU and HER, not the asshat.

All change is stressful, whether good or bad. Hang in there.

Laura: You are doing so great and are so wonderfully supportive of the tribe. God bless you!!

UKgirl: I never got a chance to tell you that your post about having an attitude that this is a Bed and Breakfast...just putting out the necessary stuff..for NPD's visit has helped enormously. A few of my IRL friends suggested a similar attitude. Just keep the peace for the short thime NPD is here. My IC is afraid of the yo yo effect I always get when he comes. I end up succumbing to his charm, get my hopes up again and then I'm at square one. This time I am really trying to detach and look at him like a bug under the microscope to see the reality under the NPD mask.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:17 AM, October 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
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Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats... Maybe it's a common opinion for some? Like someone in jail shooting someone saying I'm never going to own a gun again.

Before dday, a comment like this would not have bothered me at all. Now it does. The new me. Should I let it go or say it hurts me?

I wonder if she is lying to herself too. We always start live wanting to be married, have kids, a partner... Now this? Is this her own conflicted self.

I cannot imagine finding a great woman and like her... You know the song... If you like it shouda put a ring on it.

This kinda stuff sometime makes me just say, F it. I have no reasons I could just D and change my life. Heck, maybe I should let her go...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
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Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle, I'm so proud of you for stepping back from manchild and letting pfm handle it however he would.

Ellejay,
What a couple of asshats. The IL thing... difficult to deal with but you can't really go wrong here as long as you stick to the high road. (Stupid high road. I hate it.)

honest,
You are just getting better and better. And it's happening quickly. Yay for you! I agree with you on your Forever: Empowering or Scary As Shit? thesis. Never thought about it before, but it resonates. Totally.

njgal and ats,
It's not that he's stopped/thrown in the towel. It's that he's just been walking around the towel for years and years and I've finally decided to stop picking it up. And now it's all moldy and smells bad and I don't want it, either. (You've missed my crappy metaphors... admit it.)

tryn,
That's a tough thing to hear. How about asking her to talk about her feelings before responding with your own? She seems to me to trend toward fatalism... maybe this is just more of the same? But there's a difference between "I should never have gotten married because I loved you more than I loved anyone, and yet look at how I've hurt you" and "I should never have gotten married because I hate everything about it." And that's just two ends of a very long spectrum. You could graph it.

WYE,
Keep on keeping on, honey. You're doing great.

Thanks for your continued support, everyone. I told my mom on Friday that I'm planning to ask WH for a D. She was supportive, as I knew she would be. That's a huge step for me. Very strange to have said that out loud to her. It felt right, though.

Hugs all around, Nell out.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn:
It's unclear to me what your wife meant. Did she mean that if she had to do it all over again she would not have married YOU again?

I think that would not only concern me, but quite frankly, would piss me off since you just renewed vows.

Or, did she mean that if the two of you broke up for whatever reason she would never marry again?

That, I would have no problem with and would not take personally at all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... it started with Dr Phil's show ad with some woman who is getting married for the 11th time. It led to her saying she would never get remarried.. IF?

Maybe I am blowing this up bigger than what it really is?

Too me, if you don't want to get M again, that means you had a bad experience. Reality is I was thinking we had a good M. I was "faked" out.

But like everyone else here, I was a horrible husband. I spent too much time coaching our kids, too much time working, not romantic, never shared my emotions, never showed I cared, and she thought I was the one having an affair.

See what one comment can drag up... history. I guess this is a trigger and should expect these until the day I die.

Dip... you still have these moments don't ya?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: If your wife said she would never get remarried, does not mean that her marriage to you turned her off, but perhaps that it now so good, that no other marriage could come close? I'm serious. I think you need to ask her why she said this. Also, it could be like my post to you above.

Was doing well, but triggering badly today. I was succumbing to the charm of NPD and then he tells me how he wants to divide his things for inheritance and how the OC's will be getting this and our kids will be getting that and that I could run the business from here and OW could run the business from there. Later I told him by rights we shouldn't even be having this discussion and there would be no OC's and our kids would get it all. Of course the blameshifting started about how he did what he thought was right for him, how unhappy he was with me, how we didn't have sex as often as he wanted. He could have divorced me years ago and I would've been raising the kids by myself and it's better for them that we stayed together. How I'm better off with him than without him. Did I think we were going to live happily ever after just us two? No way, he was unhappy. He was always trying to make me happy and he doesn't want to accomodate me anymore. I treated him like shit these past 2 years (since Dday) always wanting him to say he was sorry, etc.

Sorry for the vent. Just listening to Mom upteenth message on the machine making me feel like the worst daughter in the world and then this.......

Tell me again this wasn't my fault......

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:19 AM, October 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all... I decided to let it drop. She can have her own opinion about her view of marriage but I know after a few BF's that drop her ass for other ass, her opinion might change about real commitment.

Oh well.. Off to have a good day.

Peace.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
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Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Give the responsibility for their assholiness to them; they've earned it. Deep breaths. Center. You're doing great.
XOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

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