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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have talked about the boundary issues, and I've been very clear about them. He agrees 100% on all of it.

He knows that I will not even for one second tolerate this happening ever again, and that I will take his ass to the cleaners. Four kids....that's a hell of a lot of child support. LOL

He knows he screwed up, that he's damn lucky I didn't kick him out for good on dday. He's sure he wants this to work and will do whatever it takes.

As for me....just not so sure. I do want to be with him...but I can only do that if I can trust him again someday.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the kinds words, old and new friends.
And Tryn, how could I ever forget that pic!
My anger stems from my diagnosis and the subsequent effect it is having on my world. In turn, it affects h's world as it means he has to step up and in his mind, I think, he feels like he has done so much already post dday, that this is just another punishment. He is angry with me as yet again, I have upset his world. No, this is not what hr has said but his behavior n demeanour indicate that I am not too far from the truth.

***
Ukg, hey you!
I can't believe t fucktard dares to even think of playing anything. Remember the old advice -verify, evidence then attack...carefully.
There could well be an innocent explanation. if not, what's the plan?

***
Worstyear,
Looking back, I can see one of my faults was rushing the R process. I wanted the ugliness to be over and this new m to take off. I remember wiser folks warning me to slow down, take t time let things roll out in their own time. A Wise Owl patiently kept reminding me"progress not perfection".

Yay for your h doing what he has to. Yay for you to doing your work. But dont be in a hurry. Your dday was 5min ago. Take it slow . Breathe. Be.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It must be something in the air... the time of year... something. I don't stop by here very often but something just kept leading me to check in!

My anger stems from my diagnosis and the subsequent effect it is having on my world.

(((((LH2)))))

Girl it's been forever and I have missed you! So very sorry to hear about the RA. It really does suck and is so unfair. I too have recently been diagnosed with a lifetime illness and will have to be on meds everyday. I hate it, but in the big scheme of things I guess it beats the alternative!

Once they find the drug that works for you and they will, you will be able to return to some amount of normalicy. Each day is always something and I will be praying for you! Life... even with illness, is so worth it!

IWAM

Miss you also!! You have kept yourself busy keeping the hope here and providing support to so many! I am in awe of you! XOXO

Hello and hugs to everyone else, new and old. Just a drop by from another oldie!

Life here is going well and I am truly thankful for all the many blessings! It's been a whirlwind 8 months! Lots of life changing events... they could have made me drop down to my knees, but I refuse to not enjoy every single minute. Even if I am crying and laughing at the same time!!

sending hope and hugs to all!

Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

Just wanted to add a quick note to
UKGIrl:

It could be MOW who called your H or it could be a stranger or could it be a new OW?
This is yet another lesson I have learned. When we were only married for 2 years, my x was partners with a female cop for a few months. When I met her in person I was blown away - she was very, very attractive. I immediately told my x I wasn't comfortable with the arrangement as I started to realize how close they were becoming. Of course he didn't give a shit what I thought - said they were just friends, she was engaged, blah blah blah. A few months later I find a cell phone bill showing he stayed on the phone with her for 1 hour while I took my 8 month pregnant ass to Lamaze class by myself. Anyway, I don't know if anything progressed beyond what I knew, but I always felt threatened by her. I always checked the cell records for her number for years and years, while overlooking the contact with the real OW.

So, my point is that it doesn't necessarily have to be MOW does it? Is it possible that it could be another AP? I mean I sure as Hell hope not, but it's a thought that crossed my mind.

Also - about the owner of the phone not calling or answering? I don't answer any numbers I don't recognize.

Or, it could quite possibly be as you said. I hope not. I wish you luck & hope you find peace.

In my world:

Got through attending a mutual friend's party and co-hosting our own party with the x. You seriously would never have known anything was up with us. It must have been very bizarre for our family & friends, but no one said anything. My gf said because we got along you almost forgot we weren't together.

What was interesting, however, is that my x's partner let is slip that he was at the same bar as I the last time I went out. Didn't say Hi to me or anything & I didn't see him. The time before that, he was within a block or 2 of my location, but as I hadn't told my x where exactly I was going that night I didn't see him. I'm seriously, seriously starting to think my x has him checking on me.

Alright. Good night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This...exact same here. Someone said you can work and make your marriage like new but you can NEVER get this back. Why is that so important? I guess I always knew that no matter how tough our marriage got we always knew we would never cheat. It was just a given. Also, I NEVER worried about STD's...ever. Now I just know something from HER is growing inside of me...ughhhh!

Anyway, I get you. Don't have any advice though.

he is my onlie, he had had 2 partners prior to A, and I do to feel like I have some nastiness growing inside me too, all her darn cooties, blah.

I am currently trying to reshape myself. The day I found the second box of condoms, I swear I felt the pain so similiar to natural childbirth, only the childbirth was a good pain. THe pain I felt when I was sure WH would confess with more evidence is like I was giving birth to evil devils spawn, that proceeded to take over my life, wouldn't let me sleep, made me lose weight, and really took my identity away. So much like have a newborn baby, all encompassing, all consuming, now with the aftermath, I have to decide who I am, what I want to keep,, what I want to let go of, leave behind. Find myself again...


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome plainsgirl...you are still so so new, and so so raw.....

ok, i will start with...make no decisions for at least 6 months.....and you take as long as you need.....

being so new and so raw you cannot make any decisions with a clear head...

a clear head...may take some time, lots of a time...but at the same token, without giving yourself some time...and this is about YOU not him....you cannot possibly know how you will feel then....you may still feel more of the same, or you may feel differently

make a list of boundaries and dealbreakers...any dealbreaker that takes place prior to the 6 months means that you dont wait.....boundaries are a bit different...if he crosses those, it means your healing together takes longer and possibly may also end things...i will give an example:

dealbreaker: contacting the ow and meeting her

boundary: flirting with someone else


priority: take care of yourself, eat, hydrate and get some sort of physical exercise.....

the beginning is rough, really rough....it took me months just to be able to look at anything with some kind of normal....and i mean ANYTHING...i was in a zombie state and each day was more tt,keeping me in that state....

time time and more TIME....

whenver you are ready, come here and post...

and if you have not already done so, go to the healing library and read.....


wye: you too are so new...you really need to give it all some time...and he needs to earn his way back into your graces....he needs to lay down some new history, because right now his history sucks...and he cant change that but he can change what he does now, tomorrow and next week, and with lots and lots of time he can earn trust, never the blind trust again...

trust will never again be given freely, he will have to earn it and he will have to work to keep it and it will require him to do everything he can to do just that......

right now you too are way too new, and welcome to the rollercoaster that will become your life for a bit...your emotions will be all over the place...and hopefully he will step up to the plate and respond to you appropriately each time the emotions overcome you ...thats how he earns some of it...not much that way though...but some...


allgood: yes i believe you were both at the party like a perfectly married couple...my friend had that with her ex, also a friend...i think i told you about them....anyways, their 3 kids are awesome people so far...they are still teens...but these 2 divorce peeps are the best parents....and it will reflect on your kids.....and yes it sucks that he didnt' step up as a husband...but its good he is doin right as a father...its something at least for your kids..


ukgirl: i hope it turns out to be nothing..


lovin: i miss you too...and what were you diagnosed with?


ats: i love what you wrote to wye...

tryn: its good to see your art again, its been awhile


miracle front: my first 2 courses: i gots "a's" ...YAY


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Gators are snapping. Little time but making time to read.

So nice to hear from some old timers

I've been here for a bit but love hearing from those who've survived - with or with out their (f)WSs.

Hugs to everyone. You are all in my thoughts. Have a major job to do at present but will be all done by 27th (has to be!) so hope to be able to write more then.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainsgirl – Some questions……….. Are you in R or S/D? Have your ILs moved out and where is your WH living? Is he still in the affair? As miracle says, these are still early days for you – hence the physical pain you are still feeling. The weeks and months after d-day are all consuming and you must give yourself some slack. The yucky feelings will diminish in time. I assume you have been tested for STDs and are clear. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and take care of the little ones.

Hi Lovin’ >>>>>waving<<<<< Always great to hear from you and that things are gooooood. Your SI name is just so who you are and your fWH is so very lucky to have you! (and I guess he knows that)

WYE

Point is, he is doing everything right, and I still feel like it's going to take more than that. I want to trust him again, I want to believe him. I do……>>next post>>……… As for me....just not so sure. I do want to be with him...but I can only do that if I can trust him again someday.
Time. A long time. LTA = LTRecovery. 2-5yrs for an ordinary STA affair. Good progress is when the WS is completely remorseful, is completely open and honest and is willing to do anything to help the BS heal and to rebuild the relationship. Anything negative (TT, lying, minimising, no remorse, contact with OP, blame shifting, etc) will push back R tenfold and more. If he does everything right, trust can be regained. But I say again, you have had your eyes opened to what he is capable of – you never thought he could do this, but he did. You will never see him in quite the same way again even if he were to live life as a perfect husband, father, son and friend from now until the day he dies. Hopefully, his positive traits will far outweigh his flaws and he will become the man he should have been and one that you can love, trust, spend your life and be happy with.

Allgood, hmm.

It could be MOW who called your H or it could be a stranger or could it be a new OW?
Yes, yes and I don’t think so. With the likelihood in that order. But if it was a stranger, they would have had to tap the number into the phone. If it was in their contact list as a wrong number, there would have been a few texts or calls, I would imagine, not just one. It is more than possible that there has been more than one call or text received and H has chosen to not tell me and lied about it being a random one time text.
A new OW? Hmm. I can’t see H embarking on an affair without getting emotionally involved as well. But he does have back all the tools that facilitated his LTA (company car, credit card, expense account, blackberry, hotel stay aways and time) to hide another affair. I just hope he wouldn’t be that stupid. But there again, I didn’t think he would be stupid enough to have an affair in the first place! So, I’m watchful. Esp of his behaviour. I no longer put things down to work related issues.

Also - about the owner of the phone not calling or answering? I don't answer any numbers I don't recognize.
It goes straight to voicemail. If someone was choosing to not answer, it would ring first and they would hit silence or end call or it would ring out before going to VM. And the VM is the one set by the network “Hello. This is the O2 messaging service for 07891234567. The person you are calling.....”, not personalised as in “Hi, you are through to UKg, leave your message and I’ll get back to you” So the phone is either switched off or the sim card has been removed from the phone.

It could be nothing. But H’s track record on telling the truth isn’t good. And I can’t tell when he’s lying. I just need to have a mental sheet with bullet points on everything I need to go over.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:58 AM, October 18th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl... It really boils down to if you feel safe or not. I have accepted the fact that safe feelings are gone for me and will never come back.

I'm like you. I too would have paid money to get that record. I’m sure after we discover adultery, our "antenna" captures all, and makes it much more difficult for someone to hide.

If you feel unsafe, you could always try and do things to feel safer.

You could ask him to get his company phone records because Blackberry phone records for his text and call because it is very easy to print. We have them at my company and I have seen the records they can get. But, If he got that record first, he could always somehow forge them. But it would send a message to him. You don't feel safe. You ask for that and it will make him work even harder if he has a secret. Or, maybe just make him work hard to do things to help you feel safe.

This would be very hard for me to do but, If I was going to approach my W with the attempt to feel greater safety, this is what I would say to my W.

"I still don't feel safe. My unsafe feelings are about a 5 of 10, so they are not too bad. But they are still with me. It’s like being lost on a country road, I know I will eventually find my way out, but the uncertainty of the next fork is like, which way do I go? The time to find my way home may last for hours and that gives me some anxiety. Do you understand how I feel?

I am not certain you have the courage to tell me you need another person in your life? If you need to have someone else, please just tell me. I looked up that phone number. It is "Pay as you go phone." These phones are used to hide. How would you feel if you were in my shoes?" (LISTEN)

If he offers a "what can he do?" then you tell him just get a copy of his business phone adn text records. That will be shocking to him. If he says he cannot! Then just say it's a simple call to his IT dept for a printout on your phone only. I think that if my W ask for them, I would do it. If that made my W feel safe, yep, I would do it.

UK, after that, I would let it go. If you decide you feel safe enough after knowing only that number address, I would let it go. If he’s really having another A, it will be found. It’s hard to hide when we have good boundaries. Place you mind at rest UK to knowing you did a good job protecting your boundaries. Most likly he is not anyway.


[This message edited by trynhard at 8:22 AM, October 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PlainsGirl29... Just know that in time, you can feel much better than today. I hear your questions and I think you will find your answers. I wish you peace.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning tribe!

Hoping for a good day today. FWH made a lunch date with me, then is off to see his therapist. I'm glad he changed his therapy day to anything but Thursday. Thursdays are always so freaking hard for me anyway and it seems like him seeing his therapist is just another trigger for me.

He was peeked over my arm reading a few of my posts last night (which I am totally fine with btw since a lot of them are left open intentionally for him to read what I write), and asked what was making me so angry right now.

I told him that it, all of it, all the sordid little details, the length of time, etc. He nodded. Asked if there was anything specific that was new that was causing it. I said no. He said he understands.

Is it possible that he is starting to actually get it?

A girl can hope, right?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I also was meaning to say that I'm having a harder and harder time reading anything in JFO.

I'm not delusional, and I know I'm not that far from dday myself, but there is something about reading the new stories that just breaks my heart. :(


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I met a nice boy.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... Of course you did...

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - it wasnt me so is it Dip?


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye:

first: on him getting it...i hope so too....but don't count those chickens yet...sometimes even when it looks like its an egg, its really silly puddy

second: jfo: i still can't go in there.....its not only too heartbreaking but the pain it brings out in me, within me....i can't go there yet.....i dont think i am strong enough for it, not yet anyways....i was and am still very traumatized by my whole experience to date....it doesn't help that i live it everyday, it doesn't help that pfm is still here...kwim..

allgood: ???????????

dammit, you can't just leave it at that now.....inquiring minds want to know, need to know and are busting a but to know..


and a "boy" not a "man"????


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - not too much more to the story. I've been emailing someone back & forth for about a week, he suggested we speak over the phone & damn, I was smiling the whole time, had a great conversation & he just seems like such a nice guy - seemed interested in what I was saying & was actually listening to me. Seems to have his head on straight. And, to my surprise, he suggested we talk a few more times before meeting - which is exactly at my comfort level.
So, that's it for now. Sorta excited about it tho & had no one else to share it with but you guys.
Pathetic part is, I know I will be terrified if I ever meet him in person. That my last dating experience was 25 years ago is problematic.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Allgood!!!!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey allgood

Honey, you're young, you're single. Have FUN!!!!!!!

There's a great big pool of nice men out there,

Taking it slow is a great idea.

HUGS

Laura

Did you tell him all of your sich?

We are all DYING to know the details.

Vicarious fun for all us, so please keep sharing.


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Allgood!

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