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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115- YAY FOR THE TRUTH!!!!!!!

I'm so happy for you!

Why can't they just understand that no matter how bad it is, we NEED to just know so we can deal with it and move forward?!?!


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28,

I'm glad to hear your H went to IC. I honestly have to say it was the best thing he ever did for himself in his 54 years... it was one of my reqiurements (and our MCs recommendation) for R along with NC. He was a no nonsense C and told him he wasn't there to save the M but to help him. He said maybe you may not even want to be with Julie... as much as I didn't really need to hear that, I knew if there was any chance for 'us' or for me to really want him, he HAD to work on his brokeness.

The IC made him think and challenged him. We continued MC to while he did IC. I tried IC once and she said she didn't think I needed it right then, but come back if you think you do. I almost did a couple of times... but didn't. I'm still wide open to it and will if I think I need it.

And they do like to talk about afterwards sometimes. I think the IC make them think and they're seeing a new perspective they haven't thought of before. That's a good thing.

Thanks for responding to my post yesterday. Can't believe its been 2 years! I don't get on here as often. When I do, I sometimes will spend a couple of hours reading and responding to posts. Some of it is really helpful to me and I want help others. It can be kind of depressing to me too and I can get kind of down. I just don't get on as often.

Take care and keep us posted on your progress.


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WheredoIgonow

And they do like to talk about afterwards sometimes. I think the IC make them think and they're seeing a new perspective they haven't thought of before. That's a good thing.

Yes. he hasn't said much more and I don't know if he has had any new perspectives but it is very early days yet.

I do hope he does get some insights into himself.

I was chatting to a friend this morning about the fact that it seems to me that he has always had very poor impulse control or self- discipline.

I suspect that this is the case with many waywards.

It would be nice if the IC could get him to see this in himself. I've tried to get him to see it in the past but I'm only the dumb wife - so perhaps he might take more notice of her!!!

Anyway, hope all is well for you

HUGS to all the tribe

Check in people - it is too quiet in here!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe from an oldie

I feel really bad dropping in when I have been out of touch for so long. I know I am being incredibly selfish by posting, but boy, do I need a hug. This has been my only "home' from the madness since 2006, that I really don't have anywhere else to go.
BTW, this is not LTA related directly.

After over a year of flaffing around betw gps, I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.
And I have been hovering in the last 2months betw anger n despair.

The oldie will remember that I went thru a wringer with the LTAs, but I got thru it. I stopped IC earlier this year n was looking frwd to a "normal' life cos doggone it, I worked hard for it.

And now this. H is struggling with it too and is bringing forth all his old mean streaks. I am trying not to go back to that ol victim lh, dependent and at the mercy of H - but its almost as if this has brought me back n I am freeking hating it.

I don't even know what I am asking of t tribe...maybe s big hard kick to get my sorry ass up.

After deciding to pick up the pieces after dday2 and the S attempt, I made plan A n B. None of them involved me catching a chronic lifetime disease.

And I guess I am feeling lost.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - You know better than to think you could ever be selfish. It is so, so great to see you again. I can't tell you how many times I check to see if you've dropped by.

I am very sorry to hear about your Dx. Do they have meds for you that help or give you some relief? How bad are your symptoms and what have your drs. been able to tell you about what you can expect as far as the progression and what they have to offer you???

Of course you know you have lots of hugs coming from me and I know the tribe will be here to send you many, many more.

I do hope your H doesn't fall back into his selfish pattern. I also hope you have gone back to your IC for some support and suggestions as to how to deal both with your diagnosis and your H's response.

I'm here (we're all here) so post away and remember, no apologies. That's what's so great about this place.

(((((((((((LH))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LH, I haven't posted here in ages either but wanted to say hello ,,
FNF asked everything i would have and i also agree that some more IC would be very helpful.

huge hugs (((((LH))))))


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lh2))))

hello old friend, it is good to "see" you, and i am with fnf and all she wrote...in addition i googled the disease and what i came up with i decided to post here....why, because as much as its a pain in the ass disease it does not mean you give into it...kkkkk...so here is what i found:

Home > Rheumatoid Arthritis > What Can You Do About It?Rheumatoid ArthritisThe basics about this disease that affects 1.3 million Americans


What Can You Do About It?
How Do You Know Itís RA?To diagnose rheumatoid arthritis, your physician will take a medical history and perform a physical examination. The doctor will look for certain features of RA, including swelling, warmth and limited motion in joints throughout your body, as well as nodules or lumps under the skin. Your doctor may also ask if you have experienced fatigue or an overall feeling of stiffness. The pattern of joints affected by arthritis can help distinguish rheumatoid arthritis from other conditions. Your physician should recommend certain blood tests to identify antibodies, levels of inflammation and other markers that aid diagnosis and assessments. Heíll likely call for X-rays to determine if you have bone loss at the edges of joints Ė called erosions Ė combined with loss of joint cartilage.

Although there is no cure for RA, highly effective treatments exist. Once you have a diagnosis, you should begin treatment right away to slow disease progression and lower chances for joint damage.

Medications AboundMedications used to treat rheumatoid arthritis can be divided into two groups: those that help relieve symptoms and reduce inflammation (nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs and corticosteroids), and those that can modify the disease or put it in remission (disease-modifying antirheumatic drugs and biologic agents). Your physician may recommend using two or more together. Some medications affect the immune system or have other side effects, making careful monitoring very important. Research on new medications is ongoing, with an influx of new drugs into the pipeline.

Lifestyle Changes Can Help Engaging in moderate physical activity on a regular basis helps decrease fatigue, strengthen muscles and bones, increase flexibility and stamina, and improves your general sense of well-being. When your symptoms are under control, work with your health-care team to develop a full exercise program that includes stretching for joint flexibility and range of motion, strength training for joint support and aerobic (cardiovascular) exercise for overall health, weight control, muscle strength and energy level.

Overall, eat a balanced, healthy diet. Although scientific studies have not proved that diet changes either cause or relieve symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, studies do show that a wide variety of foods, from strawberries to olives to fish, can help reduce RA inflammation, while selenium and vitamin D may have preventative effects.

Practice self-management techniques by learning all you can about the disease and knowing what to expect. Discuss it with your family, with your physicians and with other health professionals involved in your care. Contact your local Arthritis Foundation office to find out about educational events and the Life Improvement Series of programs, including aquatic exercise and tai chi

.


(((lh2)))


and it is really quiet in here......hopin it is a good thing..


and givin a shout out to honest who is goin through a rough time right now...


0115...i know this will sound so wrong, but i envy your getting the truth....and worse i think you will understand...

(((tribe)))
(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Lost Heart2
♀ Member
Member # 21793
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, October 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tribesters.
You guys are just amazing to be supporting all the newbies. It got to a stage for me where I couldn't deal with all the new pain here knowing what, more often than not, was ahead. More than once I wished I had a bazooka to blitz some of the WSs out of this universe, and realised that my anger was getting in the way of really helping anyone here. So I am and will always be in awe of you guys.

I have tried a few meds already but none have worked or the side effects were too heavy to bear. Am in-between treatments waiting for another rheumatologist to treat me-nhs sucks.

Thanks for the info, iwam. Until now I have been intellectualising this..read almost every article out there. Guess its sinking in to my heart now n I am so pissed. It feels like the universe is flinging up its finger to me n I don't know why.

I don't want this. I didn't bring this on myself n am so angry that yet again I have to real with something that's not my fault. Gosh I sound like s really whiney spoilt un.

Thank you again for the hugs n good vibes.


LTA BS

Dday#1 02.06.06
Dday#2 28.11.06


Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.


Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: London, UK
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LH2!

Lucky me....I'm a newbie (relatively, anyway).

Have had a fairly good week with FWH. Dealing more with my toxic mother and her nightmare of crap.

We had some breakthroughs this week though, and I am hoping they are good signs.

I'm trying to get him to understand that our marriage, and in larger part, our relationship is essentially over. He ruined all of it. If there is any hope for us, we have to form something new and different. Sure, we have shared history and all that, a house full of kids...but that's not enough to build a marriage on.

I know I am in the anger stage full force and spend a lot of time trying to temper my reactions to things. He really is trying, and doing a lot of hard work as far as self-exploration goes. He sees now that his initial reasons for the affair (financial issues, unexpected pregnancy) were bullshit, and that the real reasons had to do with his insecurity and need for attention. He was broken and messed up.

We've talked about our rings too. I'm wearing a temporary new fake replacement since I can't stomach the idea of wearing the old ones (especially since he GAVE one of them to OW). His ring is hard for me too. He wore it with her for a long time until she started demanding he remove it. And he did. He wears it now, but it, like everything it seems, is tainted.

I want for both of us to get new ones when we get further into the R process and I believe that it will actually work.

He knows this, and actually sent me a link for a custom ring this week that he's been looking at. To me, that's pretty significant.

I don't know. I don't want to seem naive and stupid for believing that he can change...he's given me no reason to believe he can really. But I have to hope. So far, so good.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, October 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwantamiracle

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I DO get what you said. He DUMPED IT ALL...even more last night. It's like he knows he's safe and he's TRUSTING me which is weird because I've never given him any reason not to. But the tone is different. He's back on MY team. He's not defending what they did...he's disgusted and humiliated by it. It feels so different. It wasn't easy hearing it but my mind movies have changed so much. I have even claimed a song back because after hearing the truth, it doesn't fit them at all. It was all nasty and gross and I'm not jealous of any of THAT SHIT!!!

I wish that pfm would just give you what you need.

(((lost heart)))

WYE You said it!!! The truth is the only way to move forward. I want to get going now and not stay in this place with the new info too long. I don't want to dissect it, rather just package it up and take it to the dump!!!

Thanks for listening.

0115

[This message edited by 0115 at 9:52 PM, October 16th (Sunday)]


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl.. That number, you have the address? I hope you know who lives there? I would tell him, who is this person?

Why? I think you are protecting your boundaries. It sends a message. Don't Fuck with me. Just my opinion.

0115... I hope you keep moving forward. Good he stepped up. Now it will be up to you to accept. That is hard.

LH2.. Post away. I think when you let it out, that is good!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart.. remember this?

Why haven't you found it yet? Why do you think you are still in anger? Does he not relate to your physical pain? On a daily scale, what makes you unhappy? how often? Is it all day, minutes, hours?

Or is it all because of the Arthritis?

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:39 AM, October 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping for a better week....last night was rough again.

I find that I manage okay most of the time unless something triggers me, until I go to bed. As soon as we are laying there, my mind starts racing.

I was telling him last night that he's basically asking me to believe something that makes no sense at all. That he loved me and wanted to be with me the entire time. That satisfying his own sick selfish desires had nothing to do with his love for me. And that even though he's already the guy who's done this twice, he's never going to do it again.

I ask him how he knows that for sure...he says he just does.

What choice do I have but to take him at his word on it? If I want to stay married, I don't really have another choice. I do love him, and I know that he is changing...it's just so much to accept.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

w-y-e

And that even though he's already the guy who's done this twice, he's never going to do it again.

I ask him how he knows that for sure...he says he just does.

It really does not matter what he does or does not know, the real concern is how you can know to a reasonable level of comfort and certainty that he will not do this again. FWW too said early after dday that she would never do this again, she was so shocked that she had done what she did, yada, yada, yada. Here are the things that have worked for me.

1. She has boundaries in place, and realizes that they are important. She understands that in the past she did not have good boundaries. She no longer flirts with men for positive attention, she says she can work or talk with men now without feeling like they have to like her. There are no secrets; I know where she goes and what she does.

2. She now sees that her perceptions about me and what I thought about her and our family were wrong. Just as important, she understands s where these misperceptions came from, and she is able to recognize them now when they occur. Not just about me, but other people and situations too.

3. She is working with IC and reading to address he internal issues with shame, projecting, intimacy, black-and-white thinking, etc.

What choice do I have but to take him at his word on it? If I want to stay married, I don't really have another choice.

You have a choice. If you want to stay married regardless, well then you have to take him at his word. You may have to do this repeatedly. If you want to be in a healthy marriage that is fulfilling for you and your spouse, and an example to your children, then you must decide what your boundaries and expectations are (see above) and what you are willing to tolerate.

It is hard enough for me to move forward knowing what FWW did, and the reality of my past. To stay together initially I needed to feel safe. To stay together indefinitely, I need to feel that I can have a fulfilling relationship with her.

Actions speak louder than words, so I would ask (and have asked) my WS, what is different now than then, answer with actions, not words.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worst-year-ever... Yes, it is hard to accept. Everything is so fresh to you right now. I don't think it's possible for your mind to accept it right now. It takes so long. I say feel what you feel and do not be afraid to tell your how you feel. If he can take what you dish out to him, your M could be stronger.

If you are anything like me, it takes your mind to go over and over and over it. Then it goes over the same thing again and again. All those questions you have must answered and you may see the sex visions, the loving, and whyís over and over. Some could be fantasy or reality as you have been told. Over and over. You may even have visions about you moving on with a new man, or new life. Your brain will take you to every place it needs to go... again and again. Sometimes, feelings come with those thoughts and you just cry.

With each visit, the impact gets less and less. Itís time that you can accept. It you seeing your H treat you better than before and better than anytime in your life that will make you accept. Itís you changing too, to be a better W than you have ever been too. Itís following all those desirables I mention so often. Doing all that will bring you both new intimacy.

I might compare this thought to a medical surgeon. You decide you want to help people by cutting open their bodies. Can you cut open a body today? Look at all those organs? Take a staple to something? Cut a bone or tissue and sew it to another tissue? The first time you would do this, think about the smell, the sights, the blood all over you cloths, you, and the medical devices. However, You do it once, then again, then again, and againÖ. It becomes routine. Blood and guts just does not mean the same to a surgeon as us. They accept it for what it is.

A person who cheats on their spouse, who was 100% loyal, will never know is how much of that ďinnocenceĒ, ďthe beliefĒ, ďcommitmentĒ, is within our brains so solid. They are unable to have that feeling and thought we had. Weíve been taught by God, our society that when you M, it is for life. When the dday happens, that change in our lives is like seeing something so unusual, shocking, sudden, beyond our own belief and so different. It is the immediate feelings of the pain of end, like death come on you. Pain of end can come to an adulterer too when a spouse chooses not to R. But a cheater always had time to prepare. Their minds knew the consequences of getting caught. That is why they lie so hard to protect themselves. All this pain stays until you grieve it away.

Then you never forget it. You can bring up past feelings in a vision or fantasy, if you want. Itís always there. But you can control it now. Love then becomes more of a choice. You have good feelings with all this too. I donít have those infidelity feelings anymore. Itís different. I am not so innocent, I don't always feelings that I have the "greatest W" feelings. She's not nor ever was the greatest W anyone could have. Itís different. Today, I have a good W who treats me very well. She treats me as good as I believe it can be. Will one day she up and leave me? Who knows kinda feelings. I know I will be OK though. She is still beautiful to me and I am still attracted to her. But I guess it is that ďunconditional respectĒ, ďmost proudest of all you can haveĒ those are not back for me.

Anyways, I hope I can help describe how you may feel too into the future.

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:38 AM, October 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. Yes, I think you need a fullfilling M relationship too. For me too. I hope your W one day just makes the choice to do it. As I think about it today, I forced that choice way beyond what my feelings said. But my feelings have come around to be pretty good. Hope you peace Ats...

[This message edited by trynhard at 11:43 AM, October 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryní Ė Oh yes, I got the address. I know where it is, just a mile from where I was born and half a mile from my old school. Itís a London suburb. fWH was at school with MOW way out on the coast and I canít see any connection for either of them. We live halfway up the country Ė as does MOW, so again, no connection. Itís a PAYGo phone, so it doesnít mean much. The numberís quite new but it could still have changed hands several times before ending up with someone who is nothing to do with the subscriber shown on the database. If it had been a contract number, then I know a person living at that house was the owner of the number. Iíve found nothing in either of fWHís phones relating to the name or the number. The phone has been switched off every single time I have rung. And I have rung it many, many, MANY times. If it was anyone normal, I would have got through at some point. So, my conclusion is that MOW got hold of an old sim card from someone (maybe her son, someone from work, a second hand market stall) and tried to initiate contact with fWH. If she picked up the message, she will know Iím on to her.

Of course I had the same crap about ďthose are the only things I have kept from youÖÖÖÖ..Ē from fWH again, I donít believe him. Iíve heard the ďthat was the only timeĒ and then found out it wasnít too many times to ever fall for that again. He wonít talk about it, he wonít give me peace of mind, and yet he knows I am suspicious and he knows I donít trust him and he knows that this farce has made matters a whole lot worse when there was no need for it Ė if it is all as innocent as he says. He seems to think if he sits around and does nothing, if he feeds me a few platitudes and has sex with me then everything will be fine without him actually making an effort. All I see is that this is exactly the sort of thing he did with MOW to keep her in her place. The difference is she believed him and I donít! For him sex means we are okay and I will stop being horrible to him!

So enough about me Ė Iíll confront him with what I know (assuming he didnít snoop into my email when the reply from the phone company came inÖÖ) later in the week when heís home.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LostH. A hug? (((((LostHeart2))))) Do not feel bad about dropping by, sometimes things are just not as they should be in the real world. You donít get the support you need or the understanding that sometimes only comes from those who have been there. I can imagine how asshat is being - the world is not all about him and if you are taking some attention and needing some real TLC instead of that fake stuff then I can imagine you are feeling pretty fed up and pissed off with your H. If you were only diagnosed a couple of months ago, thatís not very long. I assume you are trying out and seeing how diff meds are suiting you (or not)? It can be a bit of a trial and error. Good article from miracle! Succinct and relevant.

You could try posting down in Off Topic and see if any of the medical folk have some suggestions. Meanwhile, take a seat if you like and Iíll get you a smoothie.

As you can see, Iím still here and fuckwit is still incapable of doing things right. Of course if he had been to IC and/or read some books then he might have stopped kicking me with his bloody size 12 boots.

*******
0115 Ė Wow. So the abscess has been lanced. It does seem that some WSís finally do vomit the whole lot up. Itís like releasing the poison they have been holding inside and once they start, they canít stop until itís all out. I imagine itís cleansing for them, but something rather nasty for you to clear up. However, this is when the true healing can begin. Yeh, like miracle, I am somewhat envious. Take time to clean yourself down, mop up the mess and give yourself time to get over the shock and assess whatís to be done.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


WYE
Sure, we have shared history and all that, a house full of kids...but that's not enough to build a marriage on.
Itís a start. Yes, my marriage was a sham too, but our history was worth so much more than what WH had with MOW. The old marriage is over and yes, he trashed it spectacularly. So you sweep out the trash and take the bits worth having Ė like the kids and YOUR authentic memories Ė and make them part of your foundation stone.

If rings are important to you, do something about it. Sell the old ones and put the money towards new ones. If you donít even want to associate the money from the gold with your new rings, then do something else with it. Give it to charity if you canít bear to spend it on yourself. I have my grandmotherís ring, itís a big barrel 22ct ring with the makers mark. I wonít wear it, but I wonít part with it either. I donít wear one at all. In fact I donít wear any of the jewellery H has bought for me. None of it. Not even from when we were courting. But thatís just me Ė Iím doing what feels right for me. If it helps you move on in your R, then sit down and talk about it and all the implications and promises you are expecting. The ring can be a symbol of hope in itself.

I agree with ats in that you need to determine your boundaries and tell your H that this doesnít happen a third time. Only you can create that security and it has to come from within and from your own strength and certainty of your own character. He has to realise how lucky he is that you are prepared to give this one more go. Heís had his dogís chance, so heíd better do some serious self analysis and self help. And youíll be watching.

What choice do I have but to take him at his word on it? If I want to stay married, I don't really have another choice.
Well, you can make it conditional. You donít HAVE to believe him because, Iím sorry to say this, but it is extremely unlikely you are going to give him that 100% belief again. But thatís okay, healthy even. It allows you to view him without blinkers, see him with all his flaws and know what he is capable of. And you can tell him that you love him even knowing all that you do. But it is not a get out of jail free card, nor is it forgetting what he has done. It is moving on and taking into account and accepting all of the baggage that you have.

It does get less painful as time goes on. Itís important to not sweep it under the rug Ė all it does is fester and then the pain is even worse next time around. I know that I will never be the total wreck I was before. All the stupid TT over two years and right up to this latest round of crap has had a numbing effect for me. Iím more of ďokay, you step over that line and I find out, we are done and, whatís more, I wonít be shedding any tears over you Ė tears that itís over, tears of frustration and sadness, but no tears over YOUĒ And I know Iíll be okay. Scared, yes. But I can do finance, I can use a screwdriver and I can change my will Ė all by myself. Him? Heíd struggle.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl- I so hope that you get some answers soon.

I guess my problem is that right now I just don't know what I need. He's told me everything, I am fairly confident about that. (Well, the important details...we LTAers know that there is no possible way to know everything). He goes to therapy weekly, he is taking is ADs, he is making real changes. Calls me every day when he gets to work, calls or texts throughout the day, all that. He's been kind and thoughtful and supportive. He's taken out everything I've dished and I'm not very nice about it at times (but I think that's the penance he has to pay dammit).

Point is, he is doing everything right, and I still feel like it's going to take more than that. I want to trust him again, I want to believe him. I do.

In a lot of ways, our marriage is better now than it's been in a long time, even if it's for a really f***ing messed up reason.

I do love him, and I know he loves me. I guess we just have to wait out the rest.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

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