I certainly wouldn't risk my marriage for routine...but like I said ..no logic.
And thats the problem.
We're trying to make sense of this.
My hisband shakes his head when he thinks of his behavior and calls it insanity.
But I'm coming up on my second December antiversary anticipating another bombshell involving an OC; remembering last years hell; and triggering like crazy; deep in depression again.
And my friend Ats is here so I thought I'd just bite the bullet and start to deal with this shit thats breaking me apart.
I'm sorry I'm crying already so I'll try to write out my story later tonight.
I've gotten to where I bottle up my pain and hide it from everyone, even SI and it's leaking out a bit.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
We married at age 20 and thus began WH's SA with several EA's leading up to a short PA in 1999 which I hoped was just an EA like he claimed but I always had my doubts. But we immediately went to counceling and all seem to be well so of course we started a family.
Those first few years were so wonderful. We really were very happy and close. I never suspected a thing. We had four beautiful babies with some bumps in the road but all were created in a great deal of love (so I believed).
Then WH started to become distant and angry and I started to suspect an affair but I never had any proof to go on or maybe I just didn't want to look hard enough. But December 7th, 2009 I chose to look at his phone and my world imploded.
My WH was a SA who claimed to just be involved in an EA but he confessed to the 1999 PA, the LTA from 2000-2003, a short PA during that LTA, and another PA in 2004 during my 3rd pregnancy. So through my 1st 3 pregnancies my WH was cheating on me. Through our two oldest DD's births and 1st years WH was cheating on me.
But not only that there's the SA factor and the little other betrayals from the very beginning of our marriage. The very 1st woman he tried to sleep with that he left my grandmothers funeral to be with. And then this woman his been emotionally involed with over the years.
We start MC (thats actually where he confessed everything) and IC. I go through the horrible rollercoaster. WH goes through the foggy behavior and TT. We separate and get back together and then I discover more major TT. Turns out that his currant EA has been a 3 year LTA PA and there's a ONS also with a OW that I know. He's been protecting their identity because they ask him to.
Kicked him out again. But there's more. We've been in false R this whole time. They never stopped the A and she's now pregnant and claimed it is his baby(they never used protection; this is the third pregnancy;one miscarriage;one which is supposed to be her BH; and this one) until he told her he was through with the A and had told me everything as well as the baby part and then she refused to have me anywhere near her baby which is no longer his.
This time he is truly in recovery (that's what he said when he came to me with all the truth).
Since then he has changed in many ways. I do get the truth. He's in IC and SA group and recovery. He confessed to his family about his past and about being an SA and my family has known all along. Our kids are too young too know the truth and we've worked very hard at keeping our home drama free. They know that Daddy has hurt Mommy had has made some very bad mistakes that he needs to fix. Our 6 yrs old DS must have overheard some conversations because this past summer he was in tears about Daddy leaving Mommy for his girlfriend and having to leave Mommy too and live with Daddy because Daddy is his buddy now but he loves Mommy. And how he knew Daddy was cheating on Mommy and had a girlfriend.
So a OC has been born. Ironically on WH's Mom's birthday. MOW's BH does know about the A but doesn't what any contact although MOM broke that rule when the OC was born. We asked for a paternity test but WH insist that I be the one to contact MOM and since there was some "love" involved I'm not comfortable reuniting the lovebirds so that they can verify that they have a child together forever and ever. Seems cruel to ask me.
I've lefted out a lot but it's just too much; too complicated.
The jest of it is that there is not one area of our relationship that WH has not willing handed over to someone else.
I feel like an outsider in my marriage and my WH and all of these OW have been looking at me from the other side of the glass and pointing and laughing. And because I'm short and over weight and shy I'm even more at a disadvantage because these OW don't even see me as a threat. They just pass right buy me to get to my WH because of course he's ready and waiting.
Yes, I'm depressed.
I don't know what to say.
It's such a mess for you. Just too big and too much.
I just don't have any good advice at present.
Reading your story so much made me think of mine.
Another SI friend has recently suggested my FWH may be SA. I hadn't considered it but the more I think the more I can see it.
I think my story (except for a possible OC) is too close to yours for me to see clearly.
Hold on sweetie. The LTA tribe will be coming to help you soon.
No doubt about the fact your H only knew and maybe only knows how to live a lifestyle married, but single.
It's no wonder you feel the way you feel, "an outsider in my marriage". Yes, depression sounds like something all of us would have with your situation.
So, what are you going to do to pull yourself out of this depression?
That's an awful lot to process, isn't it?
Just off the top of my head it seems to me that you need to start doing something to repair your battered self-esteem.
You are beating yourself up & that's not fair. Your WH is screwed up, not you. If you are unhappy about your appearance, find something to improve that. If you want to lose some weight, there are so many fun ways to drop weight & a lot of them offer social contact that provides an additional benefit.
Somehow you need to know this was not your fault, regardless of how you view yourself. And, I'm sure you are being too hard on your self and you are just lovely.
Many of us have suffered a battered image/ego - I think it's hard not to upon the revelation of an LTA - to assume we were not good enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, etc.
While I still tend to engage in negative self-talk from time to time, I've come to understand that it's largely a defense mechanism (this is my own theory by the way, with no scientific research or stats to back it up, lol - Tryn is the guy for that) so that I can perceive myself to be in control of this outta control sitch. In other words, if I blame myself to a degree, then vow to fix it, it will be less scary to continue to R.
Anyhoo. Point is - start putting the focus on yourself. 2 years is a long time to spend this way. And, while I understand how that happens, I also want to see you dig yourself out of this. Whether you can do that with WH by your side, I do not know. But, please stop beating yourself up.
I'm so sorry that you've been through all you have.
I know that in my case, the fact that the affair began when I was pregnant made it even worse. His complete disregard for my safety, the safety of our baby, all that. We were onlies too. :(
Please take care of yourself. Some days it's easier said than done. I know, having four little ones myself, that you have to do what you can to keep things as "normal" for them, even when your world is falling apart.
I wish you peace.
[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 9:24 AM, October 10th (Monday)]
I'm enrolled in college parttime. I'm a SAHM so that was pretty big for me. And then I just spiraled downhill the last two weeks.
I mean it's been building over the last few months but I've been working on trying to control the depression. I'm in weekly IC and on meds. My 18th anniversary was Oct.2nd which I was dreading but WH turned into a really special evening.
My fear and anxiety is riding so high. The closer December gets the worse I get. Two discover weeks, two years in a row on the same week is just two much for me to handle and I'm convienced MOW is going to contact us this year with some new info or something. Or WH well give me new TT. A year of false R and 10 years of A's and WH living a secret double life leaves me paranoid. And I'm being a really crappy believer right now.
Sorry for the verbal .
- Started school for your own career! Super!
- IC.. Good.
- Went to get help at the Doctors and on Meds... Good.
- You post on SI.. Good.
OK how about these?
- How about a walking? Exercising, running? Can you join a runner club?
- You can also start a diet. Some success with make you feel great! Have your read the book The Four Hour Body? http://www.fourhourbody.com/ One day a week you get to eat whatever you want. This diet does not make you go hungry. IT WORKs.. it’s modified a no carb diet.
How many books have you read? Read as many as you can so you can understand everything about love, sex, infidelity, forgiveness, Boundaries, Finding Happiness, moving beyond hurt and things like that.
I think you need to accept that everyone will face tremendous pain at some point. This was your turn to get shit on. Many people get dumped on more than once. Infidelity goes back to the beginning of time. I happen to believe we all have it within us to cheat. We happen to have married people who made a choice to betray God, us, our families and friends. Too bad we cannot change what happened. All we can do is live now and for the future.
Your H never knew how to live a life as “married person.” Some people do not have the mental capacity to be a good partner. Infidelity says your partner is not a good partner. Some cheaters can change, some cannot.
I’m not sure if you are still with you H or not? You can be wise. Wise to see if your H is changing. If he is drug or alcohol dependent, he seeks help to quit. They might quit a job, go to IC, MC and Weekend retreats.
They might be with you more often, humbled, not afraid to help you heal. All kinds of ways to change and show someone they want to be in the M.
You are still in Grief. Your brain will fluctuate back and forth in feeling “good” and feeling “bad” until it is ready to accept. You sound normal to me. You just cannot allow yourself to get stuck. It seems you are not going to get stuck to me based on what you are doing. Seems to me are reaching toward that Bargaining phase... if you can only grab it.
I believe you need to “take actions” to feel better. When you make an A+, how good does that make you feel? When you get your degree, how good will that make you feel. When you get your new job paying more money than at any time in your life, How good will you feel? When you lose 10 pounds, I know! IT FEELS GREAT!!!! Try and do something that makes you feel good everyday.
Where are you?
My advice, Now go make a good day of it!
[This message edited by trynhard at 10:54 AM, October 10th (Monday)]
I haven't been here in a while (not even to lurk!) because I'm just so done with WH and yet I'm stuck with him until he gets a job, so I've been basically ignoring my marriage.
Other than that, things are well. I'm just ready for the next part of my life, you know? I'm over WH's LTA. (Don't get me wrong, I still think it's the dumbest thing ever. I mean, she is a skank and he spent two years at her beck and call!) But this marriage is just beyond ridiculous. He hears me say "I think getting married was a mistake; I feel dead inside; I have no feelings for you; I have done everything I can think of to make this marriage better and it is still exactly the same" etc. etc. etc. and his response is to do a few more nice things, throw words like "fight for our marriage" around, avoid thinking about our relationship by focusing all his energy on starting a new business and still find the time to lie, sneak around and act like a jerk. But not finish any books or anything. I mean, come on.
So... I'm doing what I need to do to get ready to file. And keeping calm and in control of myself.
I've added martial arts to my weekly routine. Taking it with the Boyos. It's fun!
So, without responding to anyone... hugs all around. Love you guys.
XOXO - Nell
(((godsgirl))) i did read your entire post,i did not read your profile though...
i have to tell you that you are not alone...i may not have been an only, i also was not childhood sweethearts.....but here is where it gets scary....my ws was with his mow before he ever met me and never left her......so for my entire marriage, my entire relationship this woman was there,....she also has a child who i believe may belong to my ws.....the kicker is this possible oc is 20 years old....and the affair was ongoing for over 25 years when i found him out......and simultaneously my ws had another lta, that one continued for 12 years until i found out...and of course there were others....the basic truth is that he is and always was a cheater....my ws is NOT SA...he actually tried to tell me that maybe he is...i wasnt buyin it though.....it was just another excuse for him to try to blame so he wouldnt have to stand up and take full responsibility..
hon are you sure your ws is sa???? having an lta is not sa.....not even having multiple pa's is sa......
i am glad your ws is finally doing what he needs to do though.....and yes false "r" is rough...the basic truth is that you were not even in "r" it was yet another lie from your ws...
the oc: he has to put his big boy pants on and see a lawyer and get a paternity test ordered...he never needs to contact mow for this....but he does need to know whether or not he needs to step up and be a father.....that poor child....
as for you....i commend you for moving forward and taking charge of you.....seeing ic, taking meds and going back to school....i too am a sahm, or should say was...i too just went back to school...it is rough, but its moving forward and any forward movements are good....tatamount actually in healing thyself....so good job and keep moving...
i too have a december d-day, one year prior to yours...it sucks, it was just before xmas.....so yet xmas has never been the same as it should have been ...but some day godgirl it will again for both of us...
keep the faith, i know my faith has been rocked, but i believe in ME....as i hope you believe in YOU....
welcome home nell....both sorry and happy to hear your decision...sorry because its a sad state to know you will divorce but happy because it means you are putting you first, and doing what you need to do to move forward...and yes is sucks royally when you are stuck within the marriage you know is now dead.....
It is so especially hard when you find that your WS's A was not a "mistake", but a serious and longterm dysfunction of their personality. There is no getting back to the healthy them, or loving M that was. It is necessary to try to build a new relationship with a person who has hurt us and is pre-occupied with trying to salvage themselves. The analogy of rebuilding an airplane wile it is flying seems to fit.
Hi Nell (()), back at ya!
I am out of town at a conference, so it is hard to keep up. UKgirl, I know that you are struggling too. It is frustrating that even after the fallout of the A they want to control and manipulate us, to hide the truth.
I remember reading some of your post when I first came to SI. I'm so sorry for the pain your WH put you through.
Yes, WH is a SA. Our MC/IC pinpointed that within our second session. After reading book after book and researching on websites like recoverynation plus listening to WH unload some, I agree with MC/IC.
It's hard to juggle his SA recovery with my healing while trying to stay married and take care of our kids. We opt for a drama free home.
I signed up on this website meyouhealthy.com and get Daily Challenge emails where I earn points for completing the days challenge and posting what I did as well as commenting on other peoples post. I just started so I'm not sure what I'm supposed to eventually do with the points but it's motivating and keeps me focused on staying healthy. So thats my something little I'm doing while I feel so depressed.
Thanks again everyone for answering back. I really needed someone to talk to.
I have sent you a pm.
Miracle- Your story always makes me so sad for you.
All those years....how awful.
And I totally forgot about the possible OC! my gosh...thr bad news just keeps on coming doesn't it?
but, I did want to say that in my opinion your WH is a sex addict.
The image that many of us have about sex addicts is someone in a rain coat that exposes himself to little girls or someone that commits a sex crime....but that is not what the definition of SA is. It's anyone who puts his/her health, marriage, family, career, etc, at risk for their sexual pursuits. Someone who knows that the behavior is wrong and destructive and yet cannot seem to stop the behavior.
IMHO your WH fits the bill.
How could he not?
Years of infidelity, with a variety of women..treating them as objects...risking everything to continue in the affairs.
Just like there are functional alcoholics that fool people into thinking they do not have a problem when they really do...there are SA that do the same thing.
Many people imagine an alcoholic as a fall down drunk with no job on a street corner....meanwhile many alcoholics hold down jobs, volunteer as a Little League coaches, etc. but alcoholic is interfering with their life, creating problems, and they still feel compelled to drink.
Here are some definitions:
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” According to the manual, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”
Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, the use of escort services and computer pornography. More of these individuals and their partners are seeking help.
He just cracked a joke with a friend (who is divorced and tends to date younger women....like early 20s).
OW was 23 when he started the affair.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO not funny.