miracle - thought you helped out in a school - got that wrong!!
So, FT student?? Hey, have fun!! Who cares about age - I've been really surprised at the age range. My last course was from 19 to 65!
ETA - welcome worst year ever - I'll look in on you tomorrow. It's 11pm here in the UK.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:55 PM, September 7th (Wednesday)]
Being betrayed by your husband or wife is just incredibly painful.
Much worse than I could have ever imagined.
No wonder the Bible cautions against it so strongly.
I found out yesterday that she gave him a key to her place over a year ago, and he claims he threw it away right after dday (I believe him when he says he is NC).
The key is really bothering me. I had to ask specifically about it (since he offers nothing, and I just hadn't gotten around to re-asking that question since he denied it 2 months ago). He is very naive about it, I was his only girlfriend ever, we met at 15. I'm not sure he really comprehends the significance of her giving him (and him accepting and USING) a key to her place.
In my eyes is a HUGE piece of the puzzle and one that he didn't tell me for one reason or another. He claims that he "just forgot about that", but I'm not sure I buy it.
You are right, you will never know it all. What your WS can do is tell you enough to understand the "big picture". This is what my FWW eventually did. I know of 4 OM, one of whom she would never have disclosed if I had not had the proof. I know locations and vague frequency of sex, and I know some about the relationships. Is that enough, for me it seems to be. After what I do know, I do not believe knowing of another OM, or exact count, dates, or types of sex would matter. I do know, because she has told me, that there are details I do not know. I wonder sometimes how bad these unspoken details must be given how painful some of the things were that she was willing to tell me. Still, the big picture is that for 3+ years my W sought emotional and physical satisfaction with OM. She lied to my face, and blamed me for what she did. More details do not matter to me for healing, but shows me that FWW puts some of her needs ahead of my desire. That is OK, the additional details were a want, not a need for me. I have other needs from her and our relationship.
The biggest thing I did not understand early on is that healing from infidelity does take years. Best wishes to you on your journey. There is a lot of help here at SI, and in LTA there is excellent support from people who understand the issues unique to long-term affairs.
Worst - Just a big hug for you and a promise that it will take you a loooong time to process all of this. Something you should impress upon your ws is that the amount of time needed for you to process this will be greatly impeded by his minimizing, refusing to answer questions, not answering completely, trickle truth, lies by omission, etc. You get the picture - nothing is worse than thinking you know the worst then get smacked in the face by a completely new & undiscovered level of betrayal.
Just functioning and not killing/maiming anyone else at this point is all you really should strive for.
As for details - some I think would be difficult to remember over time. Like - when I was trying to put together a timeline of our marriage while the A was ongoing to kind of see what was going on for my own understanding, I myself realized how many details I had forgotten even in the course of a year - so things like - where I went for a bday dinner, or what I received as a present from him, etc. I honestly didn't remember. You just have to use your common sense as to what would be reasonably remembered or not. The key? Absolutely not something one would forget. Forget to tell you, yes, but if he denied after you specifically asked - he was hiding that fact to minimize the extent of the A or to protect your feelings, protect himself, who knows. But it's not an honest mistake.
I wish you well in this very, very difficult time.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:30 PM, September 7th (Wednesday)]
Today I asked him if he was happy to be coming in a week. He was silent and said do you really want me to answer that. I said no that obviously he was stressed about coming. The subject was dropped. I will be asking about the timeline. No sympathy here, he needs to own up to his crap with ow1 and ow2 and anything else I don't know! At least on this thread all of you understand the need for answers. I know I probably will not get all that I am looking for but I am not going to let him off the hook this time.
I am off tomorrow for a weekend away with my sister, who knows nothing of the A but is alot of fun. I may log on over the weekend, but if not, have a great one Tribe!
I'm sorry I don't have much to give to the newbies right now. I would like to express my sympathy for you at this terrible time.
I guess what I want to say to you is that it will get better. But slowly. This is like dealing with death. It's so hard. And like death, the pain never goes away, but you learn to live with it.
Hey, ATS ... tell your FWW we're not actually purple. I'm sort of beige, with green eyes.
Gotta go tribe. Nell -- more updates on you please.
worst: i agree with allgood about the key, sounds alot like minimizing and playing that memory card....
ukgirl: help out in school... ...not i......
and thanks everyone....
i did have a great great start to my day....i went back to walking in the am, and in the summer and spring i usually walk in the park near my home...when the weather is bad i walk in the local mall which is 5 min from my house....well i went back to the mall today...i was missed by several peeps...and it felt good to be missed....it felt like going home after being away...
oh and my ego got some boosting too..
So, here’s the link:
The biggest thing I did not understand early on is that healing from infidelity does take years.
You will be all over the place for a while yet. It’s really hard, but we all know how it is so are best placed to offer support and advice.
Meanwhile, I will be skyping with the NZ DS’s in an hour or so. I am still struggling to tell them. Today would be an ideal opportunity – no one here but me. They need to know things in case anything should happen to me (not that I’m planning to die anytime soon…) that I have dept hidden from fWH. Password protected docs, cash, saving a/c. And somehow, I just think they should know. But then if they say they ARE coming home for a couple of weeks in Nov, I think it would be best to tell them face to face and be able to show them where things are. Dilemma. I do keep telling myself that if I had told them right at the beginning, they wouldn’t be out there now and then I can’t make up my mind if that’s a good thing or not!!!
I told mine everything - about 2 days after dday.
I told them because I thought he was going to leave.
He didn't but I am not sorry I did.
For some reason I thought your kids knew??????
If not well - do what YOU need to do. Don't hesitate. My attitude after dday was - my kids are grown ups (almost they were 22 and 18 at the time) and I have always been there for them so now they need to be there for me.
I will be around tonight so if you need to chat I'll be here.
Good luck honey
I only had 20mins or so, Skype kept logging off everytime we connected – we should have had longer, but I’ve got a hairdressers appt – I’m already late. Anyway, they ARE coming home for the first 2wks of Nov YAY!!!!! That has made me very, very happy!! So I will talk to them face to face, just the three of us. I’ll wangle some time alone with them, even if I have to say that I need to talk to them alone. I have no idea how they will take it, but it might be (as often seems to be the case) that they already know anyway. Why do I feel guilty about telling them what HE did??? Sheesh. Gotta run.
Sorry I haven't posted much lately but work has been horrendous!
Having a strange night.
Have an over whelming urge to try to fuck with OW3s life.
She is so dumb she has her facebook open to the world.
It was her birthday last week and she received lots of good wishes from her "friends".
Many of them said things like "You are such a lovely person - hope you have a great day". "You are so kind - have a great day - you deserve it."
Many of these are married women.
I have this overwhelming urge to message them (privately) and say "Just thought you should know that dear sweet OW3 is a whore who fucks MM. Have you ever wondered if she fucked yours????"
Please check in I'm worried about you.
A high school friend and Facebook friend of mine committed suicide. The hurt he was facing must have been too much to take. It's sad.
That is SO terrible. Just awful. I'm so sorry. Such a horrible horrible waste. You didn't say but I got the feeling he was a BS. Was he?
I think WH has a job interview today. I need him to get a good salary!!!
How did he go?
They are certainly options, but will take new commitment on my part to make them again the presumed course in my life.
I understand why you feel like this. I am so sorry she makes it so hard for you. I don't know how you keep it all together! HUGS
Your list from Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay made me very unsettled. For most I had to answer I don't know, I'm not sure or maybe. There were few "Yeses". Most unsettling. Is it because I am only 15 months out???
I can watch movies with an infidelity theme – but on my own!!
FWH was not here when I watched "Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman". Maybe my response would have been different if he was here. I don't know. When anything to do with infidelity comes on and he is here I always change the channel! he never comments
WW always gets uncomfortable when A's come on TV. Wouldnt even discuss with the kids on why Camelot was destroyed - a kingdom lost due to infidelity.
Was she like this prior to dday? If so maybe she does have a conscience.???
How am I ever going to make peace with the likely reality that I will never know everything?
Hi honey. So sorry you are here. I know how you feel. My fwh was at it for at least 16 yrs - maybe 23 yrs or more. Who knows? I too struggle with not knowing the details. Sometimes it really gets to me. From dday he mostly answered "I don't know" or "I don't remember". I have begged him to tell me details. Now when he says these things I know they are probably true. It would be hard to remember after so long. It's too late now.
So my advice is keep pushing while he still remembers!!!! I sometimes wish I had pushed harder after dday. Having said that I am now a little more accepting. I KNOW I will never know it all. I am coming to accept this and trying to move forward. It's a little sad though because if he had told me the truth from day one I would have found all this shit so much easier. But then again - they are selfish - we know that. So even after dday they are still thinking about themselves and trying to protect themselves.
ok..survived my first day...one of them i connected with because of where we both sat...and here it comes now....turns out she needs to do this because......
her cheatin husband was a no good man.....
her cheatin husband was a no good man.....
So happy you had a good first day. The beginning of a new dream for you. I'm sure you and your new friend will support each other and the classes will be the start of something fresh.
HUGS to all especially our regulars who have been quiet and our lurkers.
You are all in my heart
We cross posted.
Probably for the best.
Anyway, they ARE coming home for the first 2wks of Nov YAY!!!!! That has made me very, very happy!!
Telling the face to face will I think be easier for you. I cried when told mine but that's to be expected.
Hope you get a sexy new do!!!
You sound very good but are you really?
The little prima donna needs to get her arse into gear. You sound like you are detaching very nicely.
I'd love to phone her and give her a piece of my mind.
Have you heard from the PI?
SP - I am so, so sorry that you are hurting. I can tell you that the road to D is very emotional, especially to someone like you that has been so committed to trying to make R work. There I days I can barely make it through work and then there are a million +1 decisions to be made once I get home and my mind is mush. Or maybe it's always been mush!
Welcome to the newbies.....hang in there. The pain is real, but how you do deal with it will make a huge difference in how you heal. Cry, vent, punch a pillow, cry some more but don't lock away those feelings. They are an honest response to a betrayal from the one person you trusted above all.
Miracle - Hooray! I got a huge smile on my face reading about your first day at "school." Would it sound too corny if I said I was proud of you. Such a huge step and committment but you are so, so strong!
Honest - You sound better lately. Keep up the positive thinking.
Laura - Yeah, our DDays are close together. There are some days I still wake up and hope/pray that this is all a dream. Of course once I wake up at all I cannot go back to sleep. Thoughts start whirling through my head and I can't turn them off.
Thinking of the Tribe and all who post here.
I really hate Thursdays. Hate.
I did actually send him a link to Joseph's letter yesterday, and I know he read it. Now....whether he "gets" it or not, I don't know. Guess we will see today.
I hate the feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've made the mistake more than once of believing him when he said "you know everything now"....how am I supposed to ever believe him when he says that again?
How am I supposed to ever believe him about anything again?
Turns out WH did not have an interview; he just talked to a recruiter. He will have no problem finding a job. He just needs to GET ONE and pull in a paycheck. Like yesterday. Argh. So frustrating.
MC tomorrow. Bleah. I hate those damn appointments. We spin in circles every time. Not because the MC is bad, but because WH refuses to change anything or do any of the hard work (because hard work is "negative" and we should ignore negative stuff); instead, he argues to get us to agree that he's right to focus on 15-year-old marshmallows, lollipops and babytalk (which doesn't work) then agrees with MC (sorta) and restates "I will do anything" and "i luv u and i will fight for this M because it is important," goes home, and chooses (maybe) one thing the MC suggests (the easiest thing) and half-asses it for (maybe) a few days, then goes back to MC, complains that he didn't have time and it didn't work anyway and we go back to the part where he tries to get everyone to agree that his way is right. Oy.
Although watching MC's body and facial language when WH talks is pretty entertaining.
Mush-brain out! Love to all.