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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl,

Thanks for the reply, and FWIW, I like waffles.

Why does she feel “disconnected”? Is it a form of protection for her? I can only surmise that she has this permanent wall up around her.

I believe the disconnect she mentions breaks two ways. First she has variously described a wall, an "emotional body condom", keeping one foot out of the door. All descriptions of maintaining some distance and being uncomfortable with true emotional intimacy. I suspect that this is an aspect of her personality that will not change. She may learn to let things pass through the wall, or to open more windows, but I think it will always be there as a vestigial survival mechanism from her youth, and becoming more opaque and restrictive during times of stress (exactly when openness is most needed).

Second, she tries to relate to me the way she would want others to relate to her. Despite our reading through Love Languages and a lot of discussion, she expresses her love to me in her language. Add to this FWW being very timid about expressing her own wants and desires, and it makes for a tenuous and disconnected relationship.

I perceive the biggest problem is this one of communication.

I agree, but the solution is not clear. She has gone back to IC as our MC sessions were not working. Even with MC to guide us, she was not able to say what it is she wanted from me and the M in terms of action or behavior. She was unable to talk about how she could begin to meet my desires part way. As I mentioned before, until she believes in herself, and is able to advocate for herself, there is not much communication to work on between us.

In a period of insight and honesty, she said she likes and wants focused attention, affirmation, and excitement. But then quickly said she hates herself for wanting anything.

So we will be OK for a while now until the job she is counting on does not come through, or her older DD or sister wants something from her, or resentment builds up from me not doing the unspoken things she wants of me. During these periods I really enjoy being with her, we have fun. It is just that each time we cycle through this, I feel less and less ready to invest myself and open myself to her.

Last Friday the IC again suggested weekly session. FWW initially kept the schedule at every two weeks, but Sunday said she would call fro another appointment. Maybe weekly session will smooth some of the bumps.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - big let down - PI hadnt started, took another job interstate & out of contact...starting from scratch.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: vent away anytime...im just so sorry you have the need....damn i hate that mr nogood is still doing stupid so well....


and for what its worth, throwing the keys would probably be the least thing i would have done...i dont think i would let him have the keys back at all...not his home anymore....and if cannot remember to be a respectful human being and be a grown up bout it then no keys....and when its time for him to be at your house for the kids...well on those days i would be makin other arrangements for him to get in....in the meantime a deadbolt sounds like a plan...but make sure you tell him that there is one so there is no scene...and if he shows up you WILL call the cops....and he needs to get ALL his stuff asap...no more excuses...

ats: i dont understand why you both stopped with the mc....i thought he was makin progress...hittin lots of nerves and she WAS makin progress....i dont think stopping it was a good idea..and ic needs to be mandatory for you to have any kind of chance...whilst she has made wonderful progress...she is still a work in progress and has a long way to go....for both of your sanities...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry....been MIA lately. Just lost a dear friend over the weekend.

Nothing like life and death and orphaned children to make my problems seem small.

Hugs to you all.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, September 26th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((wye))))))

i am so so sorry for your loss.....you have nothing to apologize for...

we are here whenever you need for whatever you need....


so sad...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry guys, I've been reading, but not been able to respond much lately. Mom is in the hospital with a foot infection. She'll be ok physically, they just wanted to get IV anitbiotics in.

WYE: I'm sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers. {{{WYE}}}

UKgirl: You said something a few pages back about keeping those spinning plates in the air. WOW. I wrote a long piece in my journal about that several years ago. I'll see if I can find it and share it with you. GMTA (great minds think alike )

Miracle: Let us know how school is going. We are all rooting for you.

Ats: Ah, Ats..... You and Mrs Ats need to continue with MC. From what I've been reading with your posts, the A is really not the major issue, but how you are relating to one another.

You know what I see? You guys still care a great deal about one another. There is still a chance for a better relationship. I think, you should try to reread some of your very old posts to see you have come far.
I do understand, I really do, that you have worked so extremely hard and you are tired and drained and given so much. You need something in return. But, Ats, you mentioned something about your wife's surgery. From what I understand, and, hmmmm from my own experience, it can be uncomfortable, to say the least before and after surgery. It also, may make Mrs Ats feel uncomfortable emotionally too..... Just a thought.
The only thing I can can suggest at this point, is that although I do completely understand that you want than just cuddling, perhaps that is all that you should ask for right now. This will help Mrs Ats feel safe KWIM? Let her know it will not go further.
Ats, I know you want and deserve more, but at this time in her healing both physically and emotionally, just give her loving physical affection without sex.
I really believe that if she feels comfortable, she might start initiating a little when she feels safe.
You know, a sex therapist may help too... not for you, per se, but for her to let go of her fears of losing control. That may be at the bottom of it all.

Allgood: Do not apologize for throwing the keys!!!
Ok, I do understand that you are trying your best to be reasonable with WH for the sake of the kids.
But, the reason you are S is because of the behavior that he is still exhibiting. He is still trying to act like the single/married man he was, but the difference to him is that he is not sleeping in the house, but all else is the same.
YOU must decide the boundaries once and for all. Get together all of his things in a box ready for him the next time he comes to see the kids. Tell him that he can get whatever else he needs at that time. If he needs anything else, too bad, he would need to wait until the next scheduled visit. If need be, let him know in advance via email that you are helping him gather his stuff before hand. Do not be angry. You are setting limits with a child. If need be, make an appointment with his partner for you guys to sit down so you can explain to Mr Nogood that this is precisely the reason that you are S. He cannot come waltzing in at his own convenience and forget about 5 other people (you and the kids).
Yes, change the locks. Tough shit. This is the way it works. There is a schedule in place for visitation and you have made it flexible for him, but the schedule can be adhered to.

I forget, Allgood, did WH refuse MC completely? Make your boundaries, make your list for R. Take your time making it up. Give it to WH and give him a time limit about R. one week, 2? Otherwise, too bad, the boundaries are there. period amen.

The hardest part, Allgood, is that you are going to have to stop relying on him for babysitting, etc. If he is being reliable about that, then that is good for the kids. Detach. It is hard, I know, it takes a long time.... It is a process. It's not like one signs a separation agreement or D and it's like you cut the umbilical cord and it's over. It takes time. {{{{Allgood}}}}

I've been reading everyone's posts, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could give back more, especially to the newbies.

Right now, I'm realizing that I'm starting to heal from the trauma itself. It rocked me to my core, and also FOO issues where shaken too because of the LTA and scars from xWH's A. Starting to stand a bit, but stil get knocked to my knees, but getting up again. A lot better that being curled in a fetal position in bed!! I was crawling for a while, hanging on with my fingernails. LTA tribe literally saved my life.

Just letting you all know that each and every one of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

{{{{tribe}}}}

ETA: Good going M3!!!! I am so proud of you!!! I hope you get the position you wanted.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:30 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh WYE, I’m so sorry. As you say, there are occasions when your problems appear small next to someone else’s devastation. Take time to grieve and be there to support the ones left behind. We are here whenever you feel the need. I hope Mr WYE is there for you. (((WYE)))

Ats,
she must feel she’s getting something from the IC and it seems to be working on a level for you, but just not enough. It seems that she feels she is just not worthy of anything and is scared to open up in case she reveals too much of herself and gets slapped for it. Perhaps you should talk about and anticipate how to deal with whether or not she gets the job. And point out that you are there to offer support whatever the outcome. The same with her family. What about a few sessions for yourself? Do you think that would help?

Deeppurple – get onto another PI, wind him/her up and get going! Meanwhile, what about VARs or trackers?

Honest – you seem to be a lot stronger these days. Now you can see Mr Dishonest for what he is.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Tribe, I’m asking for a few opinions. Am I making something from nothing? At the beginning of last week I had a massive red flag and it's still bugging me.

fWH is hopelessly untidy and disorganised, he has loads of papers lying around and none of them in any apparent order. He’s the same on his computer and with memory sticks. How he managed to hide his affair, god only knows.

So. long story short is that he was looking for one particular receipt. It was around – somewhere. I offered to help and started going through stuff on his desk. A small pile of receipts revealed two for Costa Coffee on 16th August. In the town where MOW lives. WTF was he doing there? I felt a drop in the pit of my stomach. “hmm, M* H*, what were you doing there?” Heavy sigh from H. “No, it’s not what you think, I haven’t seen her, it was a meeting with a design company……….” Blah, blah, blah. I was immediately reminded of the time when I was going through some receipts years ago during the affair and came across one hotel bill “occupancy – 2” which he casually dismissed as a “mistake”. And I believed him.

I put the receipts down and said he’d better finish looking for what was missing and left the room. Later, I looked up my journal for that day. I had written that he had been at pains to tell me he was seeing [colleague] at the D* hotel. The D* hotel is 25miles from us and 60miles from M* H* and I hadn’t thought of it as a tryst hotel as it is a little close to home for comfort for WH. Of course I have now added it to the long, long list. I thought at the time that the emphasis was OTT – I had not responded at all to the mention of the D* hotel.

I know MOW doesn’t work in the holidays and it was risky him going to M*H* for a “business” meeting. It’s only a small town and the Costa is in the middle of the shopping area. What would he have done if she had walked in? I wonder if he was half hoping to see her or even if he did see her.

I don’t think there is any point in pursuing it. All he ever does is deny. Or tie himself up in knots. Only he knows what the truth is. And he hasn’t mentioned it since or offered anything to reassure me. So I take another step back.

Yesterday morning he didn’t leave early for work. He didn’t want to get up at all. He came up to say bye and said I had seemed distant over the weekend and he wanted me to know that I had nothing to worry about. Really. Hmm. Really?

Sometimes just putting it out there helps. Sorry for the negative post. But I just ask myself why this is still going on five years later. I think it’s all to do with the loss of trust and wondering if everything he says is a lie.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE

I'm so sorry honey. I really am. You have so much to deal with and this is just too much. My mother's funeral was 2 days before dday and I know how I resented (and still do) that his fucktardness was something else I had to deal with on top of the death of someone very important to me.

HUGS honey

UK

Don't you just HATE IT!!! HATE IT!!!! HATE IT!!!!! I want to scream and shout and stamp my foot for you. Maybe even swear a little- no a lot! and throw a few things. We battle, we fight, we try so hard and just when we start to relax IT sneaks up behind and ambushes us!!!

Honey, it may all be quite innocent as he says. It MAY be. But that is not the point. The point is that we have lost the stability, the security, the safety we should feel with our spouses. It is SO UNFAIR!!! The things that send us into a spin would not faze anyone who had never experienced infidelity but they rock our world and leave us feeling vulnerable.

he wanted me to know that I had nothing to worry about.

Honey you probably don't have anything to worry about. But isn't it so EASY for him! He knows the truth but because of his lies in the past you don't have the "sure knowledge" that he has. There have been a few occasions when similar things have happened with me and FWH. he has said "It's OK. You don't have to worry. This is what happened..... " It may have. it probably did. he can walk off sleep well and KNOW the truth. We never can.

So sweetie try to let it go. If he's started again you will find out. Then you get to really despise him. But you know, I think he just MAY be telling the truth. Don't know why. I just do.

Hope I'm right.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me about the D* hotel, but not M*H*. The Costa receipts were 9:37 and 9:44. I have no idea if or at what time he was at the D*. Or even if he was there at all.

He was given a desk diary, but there is very little in it as he said it was too big to just carry around. He has been managing – well, I don’t really know, but I think by his Blackberry and scraps of paper. He started with this company on 1st July –a Friday and he worked from home. In this pristine desk diary, he has written on Wed 6th “M*H* - S***n & Co”. I’ve stopped snooping, so this is new. Then the next day he has “F* Park” which is a retail park on the outskirts of the city where MOW works and where he met her for coffee in Borders bookshop on a number of occasions. A case of can’t stay away?

Fuck. I hate this. I fucking hate it. I shouldn’t care anymore. I hope you're right Laura.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey UK
A case of can’t stay away?

Let's see? you write on that day in your diary he is visiting a customer who is 30 miles from where he had coffee receipt? And in the same town as XOW.

Hey UK... I guess you have a couple options.

1) let it drop = leaves you with uncertain feelings and wondering in your mind

2) pursue more details = Leaves you with more hurt if discovered, or security if the truth is it's nothing.

Yep, it sucks.Sorry you are going through this.

IMO, Yes, you should care. You care because he is crossing a boundary that needs to be protected. Protecting it means take option #2 no matter the pains you fear... Bring your feeling sup again. You feel unsecure again. You can tell him how you feel only...Only feelings! Show him the evidence you have. Let him lie, or let him tell the truth. You can then feel what you feel after he makes his case. Openness makes for a better M relationship... You be open, even if he may not.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:02 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl- It was a little hard for me to follow the details so I can't say whether I think it's a red flag or not. But, it would bother me too. I would pursue it. It seems to me that these little things pop up for you from time to time - maybe go thru your journal & see how many odd things that you couldn't quite connect there have been over the past 6 months. My feeling from reading your posts is that this is not an isolated thing. It could be nothing or it could be something, but you are a need to know kinda a person, so I would investigate further if for no other reason to finally have some peace of mind.

((UkGirl))

DP: I never understood why you thought you needed a PI to begin with. You are convinced that the A is ongoing or happened - so share this information - the basis for your conclusion with the OM's BW & the 2 of you can at the very least compare notes. If that's not your thing, then just call, text, anonymously write, etc what you know. He's not going to care that it's not backed up with a PI report.

As for me: spoke with X again yesterday over the phone - didn't go well, again. All I really got out of the conversation is that he gives whatever money I need & no other guy would do that (true). I told him that was a 2 way strett & that most guys wouldn't be getting all the perqs he's been getting at my house too - like eating dinner here, using the laundry room, vistint the kids here, etc.
So, when he came over last night, he refused to eat when we were eating (I had already told him he could join us)and packed up his trunk with most of his clothes.

I will have to stop using him as a babysitter when I want to go out, which really, really sucks. But, I see I need to be consistent.

Gots to go.....

Big Hug Honest
((Honest))

Be well Tribe.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,

It only sucks in the short term. In the long run, finding 2 or 3 dependable babysitters will be a godsend for you. A lot of people I know have found good college students to babysit on Care.com FYI.

UKG -- always, always listen to your gut. It still might be nothing, but examine why it feels like a red flag so you can say -- hey I feel (scared, anxious, etc...) when you do X and in a situation like that if you would do Y I would not have those feelings.

That's what you do.

If I found something like that, I might actually throw my WH out. FWIW. He can't go have coffee by OW's house or work without letting me know. It's not exactly the end of the world to say "hey, I'm going to conference X in the middle of the day today" or I have a client meeting at OW's agency (not that he ever has.)

I will say that ever since I finally got him to get XHSGF off his Facebook last Oct. WH has done transparency very well. Better than me, I'm sure. He's been consistently transparent and NC as far as I can tell. Unfortunately he's unremorseful. Don't get me wrong; I think he regrets getting caught -- but he lacks empathy. At least for me. I visualize it as he sees others 2 dimensionally -- like we're paper doll cutouts. I think he also sees people by their function in his life as opposed to the whole person. Anyway, I'm rambling.

WH scored big points with me last night. Our neighbor seems to be developing a crush on one of her employees and her husband and "work husband" have already said something to her about it. I told WH when I got home (I'm working in the office this week and she is also a coworker) She talked about employee boy the whole way to work, the whole way home, had lunch with him, took him to his AA meeting (he's 15 years younger than her and just got his 2nd DUI, lost his license and car, got 5 days in jail...what a winner) and was out with him one other time during the day as well.

And WH was dismayed and said he didn't like it one bit and we were probably going to have to say something about it soon as well.

I was kind of proud of him, you know?

Plus, it shows me that he's finally "getting it" at least in some fashion or another.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'morning all.

Honesttoafault, I am glad that you feel like you are making progress. From your posts it sounds like you have been having a very hard time. Best wishes to you and my thoughts are with you.

UKgirl, I would like to think he would not allow you to help look for the receipt if he thought there was any damning evidence. As for the OTT explanation on the hotel, which seems to indicate he understands it could be a triggery topic, but he is unwilling to open that topic up and address it squarely. The fact that there are these triggers that he is not willing to address beyond a "don't worry" helps explain why you are still struggling with trust. I agree with Tryn on letting your H in on your struggles. Are you suspicions unrealistic, maybe yes from his perspective, but not from yours. If he understands your perspective better he should be able to help with transparency. OTOH, if as you indicate he will just minimize and rug sweep, well that says something too.

((WYE))

m334455, glad your H sees it, at least in other people.

iwam:

i dont understand why you both stopped with the mc

mc was not helping at all. When he pushed her for what she wanted or needed she had no answer, she does not want to need anything. When he tried to get her to talk about what she could do to work on my wants, she says she is too depressed to help me. When he talked to her about doing what she is comfortable doing and not feeling obligated, she says she feels like a failure. She is not able to be a partner, so I guess we see if more work on herself in IC can help.

honest:

From what I understand, and, hmmmm from my own experience, it can be uncomfortable, to say the least before and after surgery. <snip> The only thing I can can suggest at this point, <snip> completely understand that you want than just cuddling, all that you should ask for right now. <snip> Let her know it will not go further.

I do not ask FWW for any physical contact, not even snuggling. I will reciprocate if she initiates, but I am very careful not to do anything to indicate I expect or want more. Her surgery was 8/31, the last time we had sex was end of June or early July. And that time was after a 2 month period with no sex.

just give her loving physical affection without sex.

I do not even do this. She does not like hugs, they are not comforting to her. She does not want physical contact. She will tolerate it if I hug or stroke her, but I make a point to keep hands off unless she initiates. She does not (rarely) want shoulder rub or foot massage. She does not like people (including me) to do things for her.

And this is the key to my disconnect. Physical touch is the big love language for me, and it is missing in my M. It is to the point that when we did have sex I no longer enjoyed it because I presumed she was doing it out of obligation. We never have sex unless she has had drinks or Xanax. It was only with the OM that she could have sex sober.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:53 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The motorway runs N/S. We live 20miles west at the north end. The D* hotel is 25miles east of us, just the other side of the motorway. About 40miles south of the hotel is the retail park. M*H* is another 20/25miles south and east. MOW lives about 80miles from us.

So, he could have been at the Costa Coffee that morning (way down in M*H*) and then driven back up north to the D* hotel to meet the colleague. But the other references make mewonder how often he is going to M*H* or that area without telling me.

But the fact is I just don’t fully trust him anymore. Why would he tell me about the D* hotel but not M*H*? Because he knew that would be a much bigger trigger than the D* and I would NOT be happy about it. I’m wondering if some smoke blowing was going on. A case of over-emphasis. Over-openness. To hide what he was really doing. Or as you say, it may be nothing. Perhaps he didn’t want to “upset” me.

Ats, when he was in the affair, there was a court case with a previous employer. They sent a paper blitz to the house. There were hundreds and hundreds of receipts, all photocopied and requiring explanation. He got me to help out. He didn’t have a company credit card, he used a separate one of his own for all expenses. I paid the bills. He was very “open” with me. I paid his phone bills. Why would I examine pages and pages of phone/text numbers? Hers was one among many. He’d go off on golf trips, but tag on a day or two to include her. I bought his fucking tickets and Euros!!! He lived in a world of half-truths to keep track of his lies. He always had a glib off-hand remark for anything. Phone calls late at night would be an “installation problem”. I never opened his mail (not that she sent him anything) or snooped on his phone (he always deleted texts anyway). He never acted in any way that, even with hindsight, made me think he was having an affair. He told absolutely no one. Nobody had a clue. Everyone I told was gobsmacked.

I’m fed up with this. I’m fed up with the affair, with his lies, with the way it makes me feel with the fact I have lost so much faith in him. I’m just fucked off with it all. Better go and mow the lawn.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m fed up with this. I’m fed up with the affair, with his lies, with the way it makes me feel with the fact I have lost so much faith in him.

((UKgirl))

It seems that if we look we can always find, something. I am as sure as I can be (but of course I can never just say I am sure) that FWW is not involved with an OM emotionally or physically now. But, if I start to look I will find supicious things. A man who made an odd comment to me, and keeps showing up on boards where FWW works or looks for work. A box from a travel size toothpaste in the car, erased text messages, awkward explanations for time away.

While we can prove an A is taking place, unfortunately we cannot prove that one is not. There is no way to ensure our spouse is Affair-Free. So we have to trust, but our trust is shattered and our instinct for self-preservation is screaming at us not to touch the hot stove again. And to make matters worse, our WS often cover or partially block the temperature dial and readout on the stove and just ask us to belive them when they say it is not hot. That they would never lie about the temperature again.

We have all eaten from the infidelity apple. There is no more innocence for us in relationships. Only pragmatisim and reality.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:42 AM, September 27th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
captiva
♀ Member
Member # 15193
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((UKgirl)))))

Is there any way you can verify that S***n & Co actually exists?

Knowing the geography of the areas you mention reasonably well, I can see why you think things don't quite add up. Is there a time associated with the meeting in D* in his diary and can you verify it against the recepits for coffee in M*H*?

I'd like to think that Mr. UKg wouldn't even think about meeting ANYONE in M*H* ever again and I also think that I would be suspicious if my H went anywhere near where his OW lived, I'd like to think he would schedule appointments as far away from there as possible if he could just in case I thought there was anything to be remotely suspicious about, given his track record.

I can see why it would raise a red flag, I think all you can do is verify as much as you can and keep your eyes open. That is if that's your inclination to do so.

Sending some hugs xxx


4 years out. We're getting there.......I will never forget the hurt he created by having a LTA with a serial marriage wrecker. I don't think he will forget the hurt either, nor how ashamed he is of his behaviour.....

Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: UK
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UK girl)))

My heart is hurting so much today, yesterday was so hard. My daughter was a wreck all day, the friend who passed was one of her BFF's mom. I'm angry at the way the school is handling the entire situation.

My day went from bad to worse, and shockingly none of the bad things had anything at all to do with my husband. He has been a rock through all of it. He has been calm and supportive and understanding and sympathetic.

It makes me want to believe that there is hope that the man I married is still in there somewhere.

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 12:41 PM, September 27th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: From what you are saying, I wonder if your WW is afraid of any kind of physical touch because of the abuse she had when she was young? That she can't relax of trust another? I'm so sorry, Ats, I didn't realize that it was that bad. Yes, physical touch is a basic need for us all, even a simple pat on the back or a hand on the shoulder can mean so much. As I said, perhaps a sex therapist to help your WW with her fear of letting down her guard of being touched in any way? {{{{Ats}}

UKgirl: Your gut is screaming at you. Don't ignore it. Really pursue the feeling and don't talk yourself out of it. Don't rationalize it. Explore it. Find out if it is just a trigger or if there is really something there. From your description, it seems that your WH went far out of his way to go to this coffee shop, I mean Costas is good, but not that good! {{{{UKgirl}}}

Allgood: When WH comes over to visit with the kids, it is good to go out and do something for yourself, but to ask him to babysit at a different time is not going to work in the long run, unless it's an emergency with work or something else. Your WH is getting upset because finally he is not having the best of both worlds like he always wanted it. What better for him than to come over and play father of the year and get a home cooked meal, get a feeling of security from being "home" and then go out and have fun? It's really the single /married lifestyle. Don't make it convenient for him, you and the kids are the ONLY priority now. Determine your boundaries and like a wayward child he'll test them and get upset. This is a process and it's damn hard.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 27th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

perhaps a sex therapist to help your WW with her fear

honesttoafault: Prehaps, but that is her decision not mine. I am not sure fear is the right word either. She just isn't interested. I think she would be fine never having sex again. If fantasies mean anything she would prefer sex with another woman.

My decision is to decide am I better off the way things are (at any given point in time), or better divorced?

From what she tells me I do not think she sees our sex life it as a problem other than feeling that she is a disappointment to me. She talks a lot about a lowered sex drive being normal as you age, and that only wanting sex once a month is normal. Note, we do not even have sex that frequently, but this is how the discussion goes with her. I cannot force her to address or fix anything, especially not an issue she feels is based in my having an unusually high sex drive.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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