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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jayne,

Get over the OP has different aspects. The NC part was a hard boundary for me from dday on. I did spend a couple weeks listening to how the OP was a nice guy till she learned not to say that sort of thing to me.

Did you do anything to help them, or did you just let them do it on their own?

I do not believe that there is anything you can do to help your WS with how he or she feels about an OP. They have to work through that on their own. All you can go is explain what behavior is acceptable and not acceptable to you, and the consequences for unacceptable behavior.

Reestablishing secret contact with an OM would be so not acceptable to me. I would leave and begin the D process.

NC is how a WS "gets over" the OP, not by emailing in secret.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is NC, period. The emails are a violation of NC.

Do you plan to tell him you know?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder about the number of kids too. We have 4.

Sad to think that it may be some risk factor or something. :(


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Jayne Doe...

For me, I know my W had a 20 minute conversation about 3 weeks past dday. She broke my NC boundary. I just told her it's OK to leave me and that will sting. But I am going to hurt and hurt when you do talk to OM and I will have the courage to stop my hurting.

I will say my W was in a daze for 6 months. Shock, depression, etc... Me too. I honestly believe OM hold some place in her heart. I'm ok with that.

I've taken a chance in my life by R'ing. No 3rd chance will be given. If my W talks to OM in any way and doesn't tell me. I file D. That is my boundary.

What is yours?

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:09 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A breakthrough, maybe?

He is changing therapists (last one SUCKED), and goes today for the first time.

I told him that he really needs to explore the things he said in his mind that allowed him to justify what he was doing, and figure out what got him to this point in the first place.

Then I finally got blunt with him, and said that it's always been about what he wants. Even before the affair. He wants what he wants and doesn't care about what anyone else (including me) wants. He wasn't always this way, but somehow he became this way.

At first he dismissed it, said I was overreacting and generalizing....but after I pointed out several specific times, it clicked.

He sees it now.

This is good, yes?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi JD

I think you need to draw that line in the sand. Demand NC or you will live in doubt forever.

For me NC means NC. I did what Tryn did. I told FWH if he wants to go - just go. But don't fuck me around. I don't want to live with a man who wants other women. I meant it and he knows I did - and still do! I even told him of my plans to move to France to live for at least a year. I told him I would start a new fresh life

I followed up with a threat. I said if you ever decide you want to go just say so. I will not argue. I will accept that our M is dead. But if I ever found out that you started cheating again and that was why you were leaving me I would DESTROY you. I will not be cheated on again. His family don't know and I would out him to EVERYONE in our small town. So he has to decide to stay for me - or leave because he doesn't want me - not because some little whore has offered him an alternative!

What I would NOT do is reveal your sources. Never, ever!!! My sources give me security. I KNOW he is not cheating now. Without them I could not stay in the M. I would be a nervous wreck.

PLEASE don't let him know you know about the emails.

ETA: I would however confront him. Just say you know they have been in contact. If he asks how just stand your ground and refuse to answer.

But TELL HIM - NC means NC or you are done!!!!!

You cannot live like this honey. It's just too hard.

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:01 PM, September 22nd (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE

he really needs to explore the things he said in his mind that allowed him to justify what he was doing, and figure out what got him to this point in the first place.

Yep. I think my FWH has. This is crucial.

He wants what he wants and doesn't care about what anyone else (including me) wants

If he can really admit this to himself then that is a huge step.

I really find this hard at times. Whenever we talk about the As he expresses sincere remorse and determination to "make me happy". But even then his sentences all start with "I want..." to stay with you forever, make it up to you, show you I love you, show you how sorry I am, make you happy etc. I suppose there is no other way of saying it but the "I want..." statements still grate on me!!!!

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At Laura's Place

All is good at present. I still have my sad times but haven't had a rage in a while.

FWH continues to try hard. Work has been SO busy. I have been reading but finding it hard to take everything in and follow everyone's stories.

I am sorry so many are struggling.

HUGS to everyone

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jayne-
No contact means absolutely no contact.
You've gotten great advice here.
Do NOT give up any of your sources. His head will be spinning anyway and he won't be able to figure out how you know....
just state emphatically that you do know that he is still in contact with the OW and then you have to lay down the ground rules.

I kicked my FWH out of the house after d-day and we were separated for 6 months.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33- do lots of kids equal lots of affairs?
I think its more a matter of stress, anxiety, reality etc.that causes some people to be unfaithful as a way to escape their worries, troubles, stress.
I read so many stories on SI where the spouse has an affair after the wife has a baby, when there is a sick child, when there are financial worries, job loss, etc. etc.

when the going gets tough...some people run to affairs...

My FWH did.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Jayne Doe
♀ Member
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone who responded!

Yes, we have NC established and he was doing great until she contacted him.

BELIEVE ME I am dying to confront him, and had planned on accusing him of a secret phone. But in one of her emails to him she asked him how come he hasn't called her in so long - there went that!
If I say anything, he will know I'm reading his email. Been there, done that, right after D-Day. There is no other way I could get this info other than his email.
So.. what I am doing, is printing out the emails and putting them in my "attorney file"....right next to the NC letter he signed.

Once I have anything else, believe me when I say he will hear about it.

The one thing that is kinda nice about this, and this is what I don't want to lose, is she just moved. His last email to her was asking her how her new place is and where she moved to. He is doing my work for me.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to ad to the advice on boundaries, my moving out for a3 weeks after a boundary violation was a turning point for my FWW. I am not saying it fixed everything, but in changed her course. It also showed me I would be OK. Figure out what you need regardless of what your WS does and pursue that.

As for us, so long as I do not need sex and can accept sharing FWW with her dysfunctional family we can be fine it seems.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jayne-
sorry I musunderstood.
so...the OW wrote an email and your WH has not answered? but he has not said anything to you about the email?
so..in that case I would continue watching and gathering evidence.
see if she writes him again and then how he handles it.

if he continues to not respond....I might 'coincedantally' bring up the topic of what your boundary is.
For ex. NC...and if the OW ever breaks NC he must tell you all about it.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
crickett
♀ New Member
Member # 33393
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would insist he close that email account, and put a keylogger on your computer.


me 55
WH 57
We have two grown children


Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Crickett

Welcome to LTA. We will do all we can to help you.

I noticed on your profile you haven't shared your story.

Why not tell us your story and where you are up to?

LTA is a wonderful community. You will find lots of consistent support here.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:29 AM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

I know I shouldn't check OW3's FB but I can't help myself.

Just wanted to share the kind of "quality" lady she is.

Check this out:

One of her friends on FB says:

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.


OW3 says : ha bloody ha thats funny!!

Interesting: My FWH is NOT "hung like a horse".

Sorry tribe just had to share. I enjoy a joke as much as anyone. But none of my friends would have the bad taste to put a joke like this on FB. If they did I certainly wouldn't write a public comment.

Anyway - does make me feel a little more classy than Bitchface.

Hugs to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
Zero class...but you already know that. Your FWH's entire work crowd sounds extremely toxic.
Glad to hear you sounding so strong.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JD - welcome.

Worst - I was surprised how many of us have 4.

M - go hard & live yr dream.

In world WW is still sucking sour lemons big time.If it wasnt so sad watching her being consumed emotionally it would be funny.Me no emotional effort at like water of a fucking ducks back ...sorry Laura.
Its our wedding a this saturday... i have nothing planned. yah ..she hasnt mentioned it but the kids have said we are going out for dinner as a family...i know she has spoken to someone since i told her to leave ...relationship phone numbers, legal aid etc so its had some impact but she hasnt called any of those...surprise surprise.

so send me positive vibes to be strong ...guess it could be a big training w/e - swimming, running, weights & boxing, damn bike has 2 flats i have to repair & plenty of time with the kids without her....god im a bastard.

take care


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi tribe

Hope everyone is coping today. I found this poem today that my stbxh and I included in our marriage ceremony many years ago. It still rings true today even though my hopes have been somewhat shattered. I still believe in love and all that means. By that I mean, the unselfishness of love, the ability to see beneath the surface of each other's mask, the fear of being hurt but giving yourself anyway, the willingness to seek the answers to life's many obstacles. I wish I could return to that innocence but then again I am richer for what I now know:

Kahlil Gibran on Love
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Laura: You always WERE class and always will be. Leave the "classless" to themselves, they will go forth and form a multitude of which you will never be part of.

Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I shouldn't check OW3's FB but I can't help myself.

Yes you can, Laura. And doing this is only going to drag you down. Remember -- never roll around in the mud with a pig because you both get dirty and the pig likes it.

NJgal et al. Re: the multiple kids --

Triangulation.

Some people fear or don't desire intimacy so they triangulate their relationships. Having many children can do this just as effectively as an affair.

DeepP -- good luck this weekend.

Jayne,
You've gotten all the information you need from having this e-mail address accesss. I would give some serious thought to what you want to do here.

My WH was with his OP for 20 years. On Dday we'd been married 7 years. Screw giving him time to get over her or helping him to get over her -- he had exactly ONE MINUTE to decide and that's it. Period.

Hell, lucky me, he involved me and our children in his affair as well; we used to vacation with her family, her second son and my oldest son were best friends -- if her marriage wasn't interracial we'd have had to have a whole bunch of paternity testing done ...

And, honestly, it actually took me maybe 8 months to get over her myself. Pretty disgusting, but true.

Anyway, I don't know what you want to do. But I could not live like that. Life is too short.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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