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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
Soooo... how's life on the (nearly, sorta) other side?

Depends when you ask.

Let's see, during the period when I first made the decision (in late Feb) to s/d to just before telling the kids I would say there was still my belief that my x was going to finally get it & step up, that as we progressed toward s/d something would spark & he would say "Stop! I don't want this." So, I spent a lot of time trying to understand why this wasnt happening. Some of this boils down to "He's just not that into you" kind of stuff. Anyway, felt sad, ego was bruised.
The next phase was preparing for telling the kids & actually telling the kids. Very sad, lots of guilt.
I would say this was a month long thing.
Once he moved out at the beginning of August, that was a big shift, in addition to more & more people knowing about the split.

So here I am nearly 7 months from when I decided to s/d and I feel pretty good. Certainly better than I felt when reconciling. (Not knocking reconciliation of course, it was my preferred option, but the x was not trying.) It's a lot easier onthe brain - to say s/d is the answer in the wake of a LTA and a half-assed reconciliation, than to stay in reconciliation.
I have not succeeded in completely detaching from the x, as he spends an inordinate amount of time at the house - which I'm allowing because it's best for my kids and to an extent, a convenience to me.

I still have feelings for him. I'm still very attracted to him.
But, I have to say I'm happier. I am.
I've ended the online dating experience because I've realized I'm just not ready for this. - It was nice to get some attention from people to soothe my wounded ego, but I'm not ready to date.

But, I don't regret my decision at all.

(Nell)

Have a good weekend all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

open a bottle of Rymill MC2 & get plastered.

Thanks DP, I might do that although my tipple lately is a nice bottle of Toi Toi (NZ sparkling). That's another thing I have to watch in terms of my intake! Fuck it, who cares.

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far a better day today. I spent most of it picking out things to redecorate our room...hoping that it will help a little to see it completely differently.

I admire those of you who've been here for longer than I have. Half the time I am honestly not sure which way is up anymore....can't think clearly, have no idea if I even want to R.

As for Mr. WYE, he called other therapists today and is waiting for the return calls....so that's something I guess.

Oh, and he has a date planned for us on Sunday. :)


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, September 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wye:

I admire those of you who've been here for longer than I have

so not anything to admire...it means you had a bit more ignorance is bliss time....oh hell even if it wasn't bliss there is something to say for when we didn't know, we still had a certain innocense which is forever destroyed....

now, the flip side....we are no longer raw...that rawness makes you feel like YOUR world is over, ended, kaput...blown to smithereens, our own personal 9/11's......

no i would never want to go back to that raw feeling...i have to admit though that each new discovery did put me right back there....even the last new friend....she was not a sexual partner yet, but his intentions were there....and it didn't make it hurt any less....it only added more jet fuel to the burning building.....just when it was beginning to be just "ash"...it ignited afresh....i do however have to admit that the getting over the intial rawness took less time...i am also i don't how to phrase this but expecting it and more so to speak,...so there is no shock to it.....


ok, i dont know who said it...but kleenex is not the good stuff...so for any of you in need of "good stuff" try out puffs plus....when you cannot stop crying they are a welcome relief...and even those hurt when the crying never seems to stop....been there....

thanks for all the encouragement sort of for manchild.....i know we will get past this, just not sure what kind of shape we will bein when that finally happens..


tomorrow my dd turns 19...i cannot believe it, the time just goes by, poof its gone....and in a way i use that to propell myself forward....in retrospect so many things seem like yesterday when in actuallity they are years gone...and that will be for this overwhelming shit too....

lta'ers thanks for checkin in...still missin a few....just a few....but you are missed so check in....

((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
mitz66
♀ Member
Member # 17888
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe: I have caught up on posts and wow, big hugs to all of you. I will respond individually when I feel a bit better. I caught a flu bug and have been sick since I got back from my vacation with my sister. It was a great trip and I saw some awesome wildlife.

Wh...well he was supposed to be here last night, he changed his ticket for two weeks from now due to work the day before he was to be here. He also has been in contact with mow - says for work. I lost it on the phone, not good as I am sick and could not keep my thoughts to myself. He was supposed to bring me his timeline and I mentioned it, he said I said I would do that, why would I say that...

I said because you thought it was what I wanted to hear, I know never stopped with her. I'm tired, sick and tired of fighting for something that is obviously not real.

Thanks for listening, hope everyone has a good weekend.


Me:44 BS Him:43 WH
M May 07 Adult kids
DDay #1 Pics on cell jly 07
Jan08 DDay #2 "Just Friends" admits EA DDay #3 July 2010 - he insisted on platonic contact ..False R - until Dec 2010 admits PA in April 07
Dec 2012 NC succeeded

Posts: 542 | Registered: Jan 2008
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I surely can't keep up but I want to say you all need some huge hugs.

M333 - if i lived closer to you I'd hug you IRL. You are doing a great job. I know how you are feeling and it sure sucks.

Honest - I don't know what to say to you except a big "hug."

Dip - HOT dreams?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh well...so much for that. Ended up a complete mess again last night.

He is doing everything right now (or at least as far as I know, since I now realize that I can't trust him any further than I can throw him), and I just don't know.

There is so much damage. So much to try and get past. So many awful little details that I've never written about here. The things he did.

He says that he loved me the whole time, but I call bullshit. He says I am his best friend, but I call bullshit. You don't do something like this to someone you love, and you don't do something like this to your best friend.

He says he was just in a bad place and checked out, never thought about the consequences of what he was doing. In all that time, he never once thought about what it would do to me, or if a thought to that effect creeped into his head, he ignored it and carried on with his evil double life.

I think that is the part that I am having the hardest time with. How am I supposed to get past the fact that he just didn't care for all that time? How am I supposed to ever believe that he won't just do it again?

When I said that I admired those who've been here on SI longer, it was a bad word choice. I apologize. What I meant to say is that I admire those who stuck out R for longer than I have. This is THE HARDEST thing I have ever had to do, and my life has not been filled with rainbows and unicorns. I also admire those who've just cut the ties and S/D too. Some days I just know we may be headed that way too and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it.

It sucks. All of it. It just sucks.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE:

I think that is the part that I am having the hardest time with. How am I supposed to get past the fact that he just didn't care for all that time? How am I supposed to ever believe that he won't just do it again?

Short on time, so the answer will have to be brief.

Listen, they sucked during the A. There's no other way to spin that. They didnt think of us, the consequences, etc. My x also swears up & down that he loved me during his A, that he never loved her, blah, blah, blah.

The only way to move forward is to figure out how they got to the place where they thought all the crappy stuff they did during the A was ok. That would happen with a lot of introspection & IC by the WS. Your role is to make that one of your boundaries -that he go figure himself out.
Step 2: Then the 2 of you work on your communication skills or any other marital issue that may have contributed to your marriage being vulnerable to an A. (Not blaming the M for the A - just saying a lot of us were not focused on our relationship while the A was ongoing - so if that was a fact in your sitch, it must be addressed.)
So, once his head is on straight & your marriage is back on track, as long as he keeps up the NC, being an open book & keeping whatever other boundaries you may have established, shown you that you and your M are his priority, then you can move forward.
You will never be able to feel safe reconciling with the same guy who cheated on you - he has to be a new guy or who hes used to be, etc.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-
What Allgod said.
And...what Laura said....if they loved the OW/OM they would have left us for them.

It's true...some WS do.

But..especially for men..it appears that they can do this.
Have LTAs and yet not have any feelings for the affair partner.

I guess in some ways like my FWH's drinking buddies of the past. He would choose to spend time with them over being with me and the kids, he risked losing the marriage over this (we had many arguments about it and threats tha I would divorce etc.) and yet he could not stop.
and yet... he continued to love me and the kids. Definitely loved us more than his drinking buddies but there was this pull....to act out in this way.
It must be similar in the LTAs because so many of the WS say the same thing... that they loved their wife and the other woman meant nothing to them!

My FWh said the same thing from day one after d-day and has never changed his story. He also went NC with the OW and never looked back.
He didn't even rekindle any contact when he and I were separated and he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted....he sat around by himself, went to IC, AA meetings, saw a few friends (of our marriage) for advice and counsel but never saw the OW or any of his drinking buddies again!
And..this New Years it will be 5 yrs since d-day.

So..how could he have had any real feelings for the OW and throw her under the bus that way?

I know how hard all of this is to understand for the BS because we cannot imagine acting in this way....but, story after story...I hear the same thing.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Just checking in quick.

I have read everyone's posts and am so sad that it still seems to be the same old things for everyone.

I know I have been a bit quiet (for me) in the last week or so. Work has been horrendous and FWH and I have had a few chats this week that have left me somewhat brain dead.

I think in a sick way we had a real breakthrough.

WYE

He says he was just in a bad place and checked out, never thought about the consequences of what he was doing. In all that time, he never once thought about what it would do to me, or if a thought to that effect creeped into his head, he ignored it and carried on with his evil double life.

I think that is the part that I am having the hardest time with. How am I supposed to get past the fact that he just didn't care for all that time? How am I supposed to ever believe that he won't just do it again?

These are almost EXACTLY the words my FWH has used repeatedly since dday. Like you I just find it all so unbelievable. But then he has also said that even while he was seeing his whores he still loved me - WTF??????

During one conversation this week - The why on earth did you do it? continual rerun - he finally said something that made me start to think he may actually be becoming more honest - both with me and with himself.

Like most FWSs he has always asserted that during all the years he was screwing around that he really did love me. That is was "Just the sex". This is something I could never get my head around. I have told him many times that to me that just doesn't make sense. A few nights ago I said for the umpteenth time "But I just can't see how you could have. You were such an arsehole for so long and you were sneaking off and lying to me and neglecting the kids to be with your whores - so how could you have possibly loved me".

And he said - "Maybe I didn't. Maybe I was so wrapped up in myself I didn't. I convinced myself that I still loved you and it was just sex but I really didn't. But I do love you now. I didn't realise how much until I thought I was going to lose you. I was an idiot. " He then went into the so sorry, I was so stupid, never do it again, make you happy forever speech.

To me it seems a step forward. At least I think it is.

Just some thoughts tribe

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey NJ

We cross posted and the contrast in what we both said blows me away.

I really don't think FWH truly loved me during all that time - but I also KNOW he didn't love the OWS. I say TRULY loved me because I think that saying "I still loved you even though I was fucking someone else" was actually part of the way they rationalised and justified what they were doing (in their own heads)!

Like your FWH mine threw his OWs under the bus and has been consistently remorseful. Except for his FDs and now FCs I have felt since dday that he has put my needs first consistently.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood

Some of this boils down to "He's just not that into you" kind of stuff. Anyway, felt sad, ego was bruised.

I think the WS just starts to get that you are NEVER going to be able to recover from what has happened, the betrayal and mental damage is just too great so they start to detach in order to form Plan B. I was puzzled at first why my H was not beating down the door when I threw him out although he was writing heartfelt apology letters for a while. I would have been on the doorstep on my hands and knees but anyway, my stbxh I believe is NPD which may explain that. Even though I NEVER wanted him back, this still hurt as I realised how little I actually did mean to him (as if I needed any more proof!). Please believe though that this is not about whether you are good enough or whether they are just "not that into you". It is about the WS ability to detach enough in order to have the As in the first place whereas you operate from a totally different emotional drawer that is authentic and built on feelings other than pure selfishness.

Detachment. This is the hardest part of it all for me. I was chatting with a close friend last night (over a glass of wine!) and I said "why can I just not get over what this man has done to me, himself and our family? I don't want him back, I'm not even attracted to him anymore. Why can't I just move on instead of obsessing over the latest insensitive crap that he does?" She said "it's only been 10 months since D-Day, you had 25 years invested in this man, in this marriage. That is half your life. How on earth do you expect to be able to just detach overnight. It could take you years". This made me feel I was not going "mad" but boy.....the thought of it taking "years" just did my head in. I would suggest you try and find a way of him to interact with the kids away from your house because this is what is doing your head in. You need to create "space" between the two of you and let him know he is now invading your "sanctuary". That is the only way to start to remove yourself from recovering from the grief of the loss of "family" as you knew it and from your investment in this man.

WYE:

He says he was just in a bad place and checked out, never thought about the consequences of what he was doing. In all that time, he never once thought about what it would do to me, or if a thought to that effect creeped into his head, he ignored it and carried on with his evil double life.


Oh sweetheart, I know this feeling well and you are still so raw. It is still so early for you. After 10 months, I still feel raw at times as if it has just happened but it's getting less and less which is hopeful. I will PM you today. Hugs.

Miracle:

That bloody rawness keeps rearing it's ugly head with me even after 10 months past D-Day. Hope you have a great celebration for your DD's 19th. Something that really pissed me off the other day and made me pull myself up by my boot straps is this........I have spent so much time not being totally "present" in my kids lives over the past few months, by that I mean all this shit can take over and before you know it, months and years have gone by. I just don't want to rob myself of another moment of their lives because of how my idiot stbxh has behaved. This was yet another lightbulb moment for me. Hugs to you.

Mitz66, Nofun, Laura28, NJgal etc etc: Hope everything OK, bug hugs to you too.

Land of Ellejay:

STBXH got his knickers in a knot yesterday because my 13 year old DD and I had forgotten that he was coming into town to spend Saturday with her and had gone out for the morning. Honest to God neither DD or I remember him saying that. He rang and blasted DD over the phone, she put him on speaker phone in the end and I heard him saying "it was not very nice of her to forget". Fucking NPD shit again. I took the phone and told him quite nicely that we were genuinely sorry if we had forgotten but it was not done on purpose and to please speak to me in future if he has a problem rather than blasting our D. He came round to pick her up a few minutes later and said "I know you didn't do it on purpose, I was just really looking forward to seeing her and now it is 2.30 pm and my day with her is ruined". I said " (name) you will HAVE to remember that I have even more on my mind that you do at the moment and you need to flick me a quick reminder over all these things. Thanks to YOU I am on meds which sometimes reduce my memory bank. He said "well D is 13 and she is getting old enough to remember these things herself". I said "well, I guess i'll have to get her a diary so she can add your needs into her already stressed out, busy 13 year old life".

I felt bad because I know he is terrified of losing D's interest which happens for a while anyway with all teenagers regardless (as we all know). But then I thought "shit, if it wasn't for your crap, you would be seeing her everyday and none of this would be an issue".

She went off and had a lovely afternoon with him which I was pleased about. I got all dressed up last night and went out too. It was good for me. Spending this afternoon at the Festival Theatre in Adelaide watching my D sing with her school choir. Ex will be there too. Pray for me brethren.

Sorry, this reads like War & Peace. I'm finally getting revved up again to write. Thanks if you took the time to read it all .

Love Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


bug hugs to you too

Sounds like I am from New Zealand not Australia! lol

I think I might make this my new sign off.

I meant BIG hugs to you too!

Ellejay xxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
I agree with you...

our FWH did not truly love anyone during the LTA years and maybe even before that because they were so selfish and self absorbed.

They thought that they loved us more than anyone else but...mature love , real love is self sacrificing not selfish.

My FWH spent alot of our marriage putting his own selfish needs first.

so..yes...what is love? a good question.

Now, he says exactly what your husband says...

that he loves me now more than ever before.

That he never appreciated me like he should have.

That he took me for granted for many years.

And it wasn't until he faced the possibility of losing me that he 'woke up' and realized what he was going to lose and that was his 'Aha' moment ...when he hit bottom and decided to change his life, his attitude, etc.

I do sometimes think that it is a shame that it took my FWH so long to figure this out.

All those years lost.

But...
we now have the marriage that we should have had for all of those years....

and that's the reason I decided to stay and try to work things out.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, he says exactly what your husband says...

that he loves me now more than ever before.

That he never appreciated me like he should have.

That he took me for granted for many years.

And it wasn't until he faced the possibility of losing me that he 'woke up' and realized what he was going to lose and that was his 'Aha' moment ...when he hit bottom and decided to change his life, his attitude, etc.

I do sometimes think that it is a shame that it took my FWH so long to figure this out

.

He's said all these things already. I left last week and he flipped, thought I was gone for good. I don't think he really understood that whether this works or not isn't just up to him until then.

He insists that he loved me then, but I've said what so many of you all have. I don't think he did. At least not in the way I deserved to be loved.

I believe that he didn't love her.

And, sadly, I think all of this is because he just didn't love himself enough to admit that there was something very very wrong with him. :(

[This message edited by worst-year-ever at 8:21 PM, September 17th (Saturday)]


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says that he loved me the whole time, but I call bullshit. He says I am his best friend, but I call bullshit. You don't do something like this to someone you love, and you don't do something like this to your best friend.

Does it matter? Is there even any way to tell? Whenever I start to go down this road I remind myself that you can't love someone else more than you love yourself.

Ellejay -- I just don't think most men are "beat down your door" when you've said it's over guys.

When I left my XH (not due to infidelity, he was spending crazy amounts of $, had a psychotic break, hit me, his meds weren't working... MC failed...) anyway, the day I left him for good; the movers came, I left, came back for my cat the next day and he was there with his brother in the apartment we were vacating and at the last minute he took me in his arms and looked deep into my eyes and said "I can't stop you from leaving me, but you are the love of my life and no one else will ever kiss you like this." And he kissed me, and it was absolutely perfect, just like in the movies and it's true, I've never been kissed like that again.

Very romantic. He was very romantic and wrote poetry, etc.

Of course, I was still 25 years old and $27,000 in debt from his stupid punk rock CD collection.

And he started dating one of my sister's friends 2 weeks later and married her 19 days after the divorce was final -- on my frickin' BIRTHDAY...

Guys ... they tend to take you at your word on this stuff. Meanwhile, if he'd shown up at the door to my new apartment with a dozen roses I'm sure I would have taken him back, gone to more MC... (and it would have been a raging disaster again... neither of us had any business being married at that age. Too immature/bipolar/drunk, etc.)

Rambling. Whoops. Sorry for the rambling. Ha!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

holy.freaking.crap.

My BC pills are included in the recall.

Still in the hysterical bonding phase.

You all get where I'm going with this.....

Guess I have to wait this one out.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, September 17th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE

Stay calm honey. I'm sure you will be OK. With all the stress you are under I doubt your ovaries are doing very well.

You'll be fine honey. I know it. Just make sure you take extra precautions for a while.

Back to "Did the FWS love the BS while he/she was screwing around?"

NJ

I do sometimes think that it is a shame that it took my FWH so long to figure this out.

All those years lost.

I've given this a little more thought today. I suppose I've also realised that during his A time I was doing my best to be a good wife. He wasn't much of a H or father. I look back with anger and sadness at this time.

When he really starts to let himself think about it, I suspect if he can put aside his own selfishness he will be quite sad, guilty and angry with himself for the wasted years. In a way I'd rather be me than him. At least I know it wasn't my fault and that I had a good relationship with the kids because I TRIED!!!

Really, he has lost so much.

As for the WSs who still don't get it or a separated, one day they will have their own light bulb moment. Scary stuff!!!!

Just some thoughts .....

HUGS to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 9:53 PM, September 17th (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to "Did the FWS love the BS while he/she was screwing around?"

Just to add my 2 cents so the newbies have some other viewpoints.

I think it will vary in each case, but let's face it, the WS was certainly not acting in a loving nor respectful manner during the A. He/she could still love the BS as demonstrated by his/her decision to stay in that relationship instead of walking away from it. Of course, some WS are just cake eaters. In my case, I think my x loved me, but he certainly didn't treat me very well during the A. In hindsight, I can see that AP was #1 in his book. Right from the get-go, the x had said that it was the state of our M, that our relationship was dead, that prompted him to cheat. Yet, he said he never stopped loving me. I think of it in the way that you love family tho. You love them, you don't necessarily like spending time with them tho.

As for OW, like so many of us here, he said he loved her, but denied that he meant it to me. Lol. O dear how I wanted to believe that it was "just sex". Of course, as I unraveled the truth (with no help from him) many of his actions made it very hard for me to believe he didn't love her. So, I've accepted that he either loved her (in a very different way from true love - obviously there were seriously limits to their relationship) or it was something very close to that.

Post DDay actions are significant. For me, I never really got the impression that he had that light bulb moment and would do anything to stay, even tho that's what he said. His missing OW in the weeks after DDay were hard to witness. My discovery that they were in contact was shocking to me. His refusal to allow me to overhear him break up with her a second time enraged me. I felt like he kept choosing her.
He has never said a bad word about her and while I forget the context, he did say if we were not together, he would have a relationship with her, but he wouldn't move in with her or marry her. I think this was some sort of demented way of making me feel better about myself? Not sure.

Anyhoo.
Gotta look if the actions, both during the A and after DDay match their words. That will tell you if he loved the AP, loved you or both.

The extension of this kind of argument is "why does he want me now?"

I think you need to see change. Maybe he had a wake up call & his priorities are set straight. Time will prove that to you. Maybe he was unhappy in the M and things need to be corrected. I can tell you that I was not a very good wife during the A. I was resentful and angry because my X was not being a true partner to me and it caused me to carry the bulk of the responsibility and stress around our home. I didn't think he had any interest in me and that annoyed me further. So, on my end, post DDay, I tried to put the focus back on my marriage and spouse. Can't say that it wasn't frequently derailed by his stupid-ass actions, but I tried.

It is interesting to note, however, that we split up in February & he moved out in the beginning of August. While I don't regularly snoop, every one in a while I do, out of curiousity, and I have not seen anything to indicate that he's in contact with OW. He also doesn't seem to be with anyone else. I recently called him out on this (when he was looking to have sex with me & I referred him to OW) and he said he's had no contact with her. I asked him how that would be possible - he couldn't stay away from her - and he doesn't reach out to her when he's single? He just said that was 2 years ago. Go figure.

Ok, peace all.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:28 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, September 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back to "Did the FWS love the BS while he/she was screwing around?"

For me, I am 100% certain OM loved my W and my W loved OM. Do not beleive this cannot happen. People can have two (even more) intimate relationships at the same time.

I hate the feelings I have as the results of promised being broken to me but I do accept it. Life is never free from bad things that happen. Yes, it was my turn in life for something bad to happen.

Going to the Colts game and doing a little fish'n this morning.

Peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:25 AM, September 18th (Sunday)]


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