Ats - I hope you dont have to sell boat, if you decide its over you can at least sail off into the sunset, take your time & live a new dream. Ran into a friend the other day, she is quitting her job & cycling yes cycling around the world for the next 3 years. She's living her dream.
Dip - sorry you up to your in gators & mushing mind movies. You need some theaputic grilling!
As for Deep - WW sucked lemons big time for a weeK & a half - relaxed a little when she needed my help for some job applications. Im still detaching - at first I felt if I detached that for me it was a sign of giving up but really its just a safe where i consume no emotional energy on the A unlike WW who is dealing with the A & me. Day trading is going well, bnut I need to get back to my training schedule due to some travel. My only dip is WWs cycle. Before A she was as accurate as a swiss time piece - now she is always late due to the stress she has put herself under & when she is late she gets more stressed.
I know if she falls pregnant to him again then all over red rover - i will seek custody of the kids as she has proven she cant look after herself.
Im winding the pressure up further - next week is Wedding A & Im not doing anything - that will piss her off no end but hey no wife no wedding A.
Im content & happy surviving at this point.
Take care tribe.
WYE- Cry as much as you need to.I cried every single day..most of the day for over one year and then it was a few times per week for another year. I'm not kidding...it has taken me years to get to this point of calmness, acceptance, etc.
It does sound as if another IC might be in order for your WH. And IMHO it's a really good sign that your WH was so willing to change ICs. It does sound as if 'gets it'.
The first MC we went to was awful. I'm conviced he was a WH himself and was relating way too much with my husband's dilemma as opposed to me.One time he (the IC) literally yelled at me.... saying :" What else can he do?? He's doing everything that he can do...."
Basically, he thought that 3 months post d-day (after finding out about a 5 yr LTA) I should be over it.
Nice MC, huh?
So...we did leave that MC and found another one.
FYI many ICs do not know how to handle infidelity.
FNF-speaking of advice....excellent. The tribe is lucky to have you pop in.
FNF - Regarding "dreams". Had one a couple of months ago that would put Lewis Caroll to shame. I actually wrote the whole thing down in the form of an essay. Might post it here one day when I feel up to it, as long as people don't think I've lost it completely!
Ellejay -- it depends. If it has anything weirder than murdering cinderblok-throwing zombies who are trying to rape you on Baltimore-Sesame Street in it then yes, I will think you've completely lost it. If not -- I'm cool.
DP -- keep on keepin' on friend.
You know, I'm tired. I don't sleep well. I've gained weight. I'm not having sex with WH. I'm angry about everything all the time. Work sucks because I suck at it....
I'm just the fattest, dullest, meanest shittiest possible version of myself lately and I'm sick to death of it.
Ok. I've got no point on that. Wait -- maybe I do. I must think a hundred times a day (whenever Sunshine isn't screaming "I HATE YOU!!!" at me while I'm giving him time out for hitting [insert other kid name here]) "who am I to say WH was wrong to cheat on me? I'm nothing special. Hell, I'm not even adequate..."
You know, I have this vision of me in my mind but I'm gone. Just gone. it's like it's not even possible for me to be me again -- or even to be someone I like.
And now, on top of everything else, njgal has majorly trumped my crying record! Just great!
Yes, I probably trumped you on the crying stuff-I definitely had what in olden days would have been called a nervous breakdown. Thank heavens for meds and IC.I can't imagine what I would have been like without them.
But...then again that makes me a poster child for hope that you can survive this.
Are you still seeing a IC?
What have you done lately that was 'fun' just for you?
Is there someone that could watch the kids for a few hours this weekend (not your WH....I don't trust him with your kids!). Could you get out for awhile with some girlfriends? to a movie? or a spa day? Something to give yourself a little break?
My WH has been very calm lately. He's switching jobs and he's taking two weeks off to watch the kids so I can work. He's taken care of dinner the past few nights. I did something, can't remember what, and he said "it's not about blame" and I'm thinking: 11 years and suddenly it's not about blame? Uh huh.
Has anyone seen Tyler Perry's Why Did I get Married? Near the end there -- the one character comes home and his wife has made a nice dinner and she's being so sweet -- he calls his buddy and says "She's trying to kill me! She COOKED." I feel like that.
And, frankly, I feel resentful too. Taking care of the kids all day, working at night while everyone is sleeping, missing that sleep that I need to stay stable and thus becoming unstable ... and I doubt myself so much. For years, YEARS WH and OW said I HAD to have a nanny because I was so SICK and I was INCAPABLE of caring for the children myself. It wouldn't be fair to them. I'm crazy. It isn't safe. What about that woman who drowned all her kids in the bathtub? I need help. etc. etc.
Well, it's hard. It really is. SO hard. Probably wouldn't be as hard if I wasn't trying to work full time... but anyway. I don't know.
Ah, well. You have to hit rock bottom and be completely disassembled before you can put yourself together differently, right? I'll assume this is a blessing
Depression sucks. Mean people suck. Liars suck. cheaters suck. Lima beans suck too.
You know what the problem is? Infidelity is like getting sprayed by a skunk. Do whatever you want afterwards, but good luck getting the smell out.
Anyway, thanks NJgal. Somehow I don't think Sunshine would agree with you -- but maybe his little 2 year old self should stop throwing things and screaming "Stooopid!". He says "You're stupid!" and I say "You're Sunshine!" and he laughs. Sometimes. It's a start.
m3: stop your nonsense...you are an amazing, intelligent beautiful woman, inside and OUTSIDE, ive seen your pic........
the only thing any of us did wrong was to love the wrong people, but hey even there...we didn't know....
as for you m3...cut yourself some major slack, 4 kids all under 3 feet tall, you work and you have an idiot for a husband.....its not you dear heart, its not you..
peeps who checked in: thanks....still a few missing....
elle: yup fnf has me pegged....truly dont worry ever about what you can or cannot contribute here....we all started out in the same place....and its a pretty shitty place...but here, the lta corner, its a breath of much needed oxygen....kept me breathing when all i wanted to do was stay in bed and never and i mean never come back out....it still keeps me breathin..
He doesn't really want to know how much he has hurt me, how much he has messed up
most people have a hard time facing the bad things that they do that hurt, really hurt another...its a hard thing to admit when your wrong in something....having to admit the level of hurt you just did to another human being, a human being that you love...well its not easy...and for many of them, its impossible...yet for us its NECESSARY for us to move on....its but one step, but a necessary step..
and yes fnf, i do love that story...i love it for so many reasons...for the validation it gives to us, for the recognition that what we feel is not only genuine, but is normal, expected and should be treated with the utmost respect....
even after the fact so many of our ws's still disrespect us and of course our feelings regarding all of it....they want it to go away, they want us to just move on, let it go and go back....like going back is an option...NOT..
as to what he tells the therapist....i can so relate...and its so so stupid when they aren't honest with the people who are sworn to secrecy and are there to help them...my ws, pfm lied and i believe still lies to his ic all the time...they sometimes do stupid so well, some more so then others..and of course this is quite fustrating too....
ats: its good to see you are taking your time, and you are doing what you need to do for you....i love that you are just letting things be for now, you deserve a break, and if mrs ats can get a bit more of her act together it will be a golden opportunity for her and more importantly for YOU..
re: pity parties...the days where you cant function, stop crying or get out of bed...
we all had them....it gets better...the key i think is to allow yourself some of that time to do just that, grieve for what is lost, grieve for what youthought you had, grieve for what you will never have.....and here is the the key that turns the doorknob...
do not let it consume you, put a time limit on each session, and a time limit til you cry it out again....
do not let it become your life......
we are better then that and deserve better then that...
if i knew then:
welcome to our corner of si....of course you may do more then just sit in....whenever you are ready you can share your story..
deep: you sound really good....very put together these days, completely realistic, logical and appreciative of what you do have whilst knowing what you dont....and i hope i am right because its a really cool place to be within yourself..
doing ok in school...not doing so good on the mommy front....manchild issues still up the whazoo...the kid is giving me lots and lots of grey hair....not too happy with the family therapist either...she is not steppin in as much as i would like which means the sich remains as it is....tonite while we were there the kid was goin on and on about all the shit he is not happy with, the look on his face was pure venom and it was all directed at me, and i was not the one the complaints were about which i find quite ironic...all of his anger is directed at me for what pfm has done, said or does....quite ironic...
remember people....it does get better no matter what your sich, no matter what marital status...it gets better when YOU decide to make it so and become proactive in doing so....and im not gonna lie, it will still suck for a while, but it doesnt last forever...its important to focus and have a goal to look forward to....and on some days the goal is to just function and make it through the day....and on other days its to really enjoy the day or activity that is planned....eventually there are more good days then there are bad....and remember whilst you are in the thick of it, those days may feel like they will never get here, but they do....each day is one day closer to it...
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:31 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]
Strongish, hang in there honey. Divorce is another process that is very painful with or with an A. Your WH is acting by the book acting like a victim. His actions would warrant a divorce. He was a cake eater. He didn't want to divorce you, yet had an LTA. One day at a time. We're here for you.
Nell, I'm so sorry your WH is acting like such a dickhead!!!
Miracle: Congrats on acing that test! I knew you would. Yes, your new focus is school and you and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep trying to detach from pfm. You are still putting too much emotional energy in your reactions to him. Accept that he does stupid. He cannot and will not change. I know it's frustrating, but let it go if you can.
Allgood: I love how you handled xWH. What an idiot!! He needs a real dose of reality!! Geez!!
FnF; it's good to see you again. I missed you.
Laura: You are so wonderful and helpful and compassionate. Thank you for all your wonderful insights and kindness. I hope the chooks (never heard the term before) do well. The picture of the kind they are looks beautiful. I'm in the suburbs and am lucky I see squirrels, the occasional racoon, and lately some opossums!
Which makes me think of you, dear Dip. All those deer in your yard! Fawns? at this time of the year? I thought they came out in the spring? Please send some pics. Vent her about your mind movies and don't hold it in. You keep so much in as it is. Just living with a BPD is hard enough!!!
Deep: You sound good, keep it up! Please don't fall into the trap that I keep falling into. I keep saying to myself if NPD does this one more thing, then I'll D him immediately. And then he does the thing and the ante is raised and I keep putting up with more and more. Your WW has crossed all boundaries already, and you know that. She has taken plenty of preg tests already, just because she gets pregnant, what then? She'll probably abort and then what? I hope that you see a lawyer ASAP so you know where you stand.
UKgirl: Although you have a friend IRL who says not to tell your DS's, I disagree. You need to let them know. They need to understand what is going on and what to do if something happens. You need their support.
Hugs to Ellejay and WYE. Welcome to our little corner of SI. I have to reread the posts again.
M3: Look, honey, you just let go of your nanny (the bitch!!) and are working full times with 4 kids!! Even without the LTA and how an idiot your WH is, it would be very, very difficult and ANYONE would feel like they are going crazy. I would suggest, however, perhaps a "mother's helper" to help out in the afternoons? This would be a young teen that would be in the house WITH you, and could play with one or two of the kids while you do other things. They are not babysitting by themselves, but helping out. Even a teen boy might work out. I hired the boy I used to babysit to help out with my boys and they LOVED him and my oldest DS babysat the neighbor's boys and they liked him more than the girls. There might be a teen program in your neighborhood (check the school district) or event boy or girl scouts? I used a mother's helper periodically when I wanted to get some things done in the house. She played with the kids in the backyard and I was there to check on them. Just an idea.
Ats: I agree with the others. I hope you do not have to sell your boat. It was one thing that really made you happy. I hope that things get better for you financially.
NJgal: thank you too, for all the help and encouragement you give us. You have been through such a long, hard road. I pray that life will give you good things from now on.
As for me, just really seeing reality. I guess I am getting better. Anytime I used to have a trigger, that sent me to bed curled up in a fetal position crying for hours. I still trigger, but cry a bit, maybe a few minutes or more, then go on, still feeling sad.
NPD "friended" his daughter who has the same name as OUR daughter who died today. This 8 year old "friended" my DS16 and comments on his pics. <sigh>
I KNOW she has nothing to do with all of this. She is a victim like the rest of us, but it stil stings like hell. He kind of hid this other family. He was ashamed of them, and now he is acknowledging all of it. One more thing to remind me of the reality that NPD really "left" me years ago and I didn't know it.
Sorry for the pity party... Just feeling lonely lately.
Love to all.
iwam, the kids lash out at the parent they can trust and feel secure with. Trust me on this one, I know it is true.
My parents are visiting tomorrow, and DS15 and I had a nice talk about life this evening. OTOH I am providing transportation for school events 4 out of 5 evenings a week.
FWIW, a 7/11 Coke Slurpee makes many things aright.
Prior to dday I really never recognized the opportunities. My boundaries will be tested in a few weeks when I travel to a conference with an employee. She flirts and I enjoy it, but a PA is something I have passed on before, and now I cannot imagine putting another spouse through a dday.
For the newbies, you really have to heal yourself and your WS him or herself, before the M has a chance.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:07 PM, September 15th (Thursday)]
wow, i have no words, lots and lots of hugs though....
Have a good night everyone. Its 3 pm here in Oz and I'm getting nothing done at the moment, I've been rended almost senseless lately.
Love to all
Honest, I like that you call him NPD now. Very smart. You sound a lot better, even if you're having a crap day today (and of course you are.) It's not fair to lose someting so precious and innocent. I'll give MY only daughter an extra hug for you today.
ATS -- the best way to make sure you don't wind up on the wrong side of the tracks is to take a plane instead of the train. Perhapes, since your wife is currently unemployed, she has the time to accompany you to this conference ...
I SO do not want to sit hear and read all the madhatter rationalizations spewing from you a few weeks from now. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Nell -- I did not miss that you say you're going to file. We're here if you need us.
And thank you. I am so glad that I found this forum....even if I wish that no one else ever understood.
I SO do not want to sit hear and read all the madhatter rationalizations spewing from you a few weeks from now.
I have been grilling at least once a day for a long time. Just think how bad off I would be if I had not been doing that.
Did you ever contact the OM's BW? If not I think that would be a great a great wedding anniversary present for your W. Outing her woukld be a fitting gift. If you can't do that then I say give her a lemon to suck on.
You are right that the girl is not at fault. Mr. NPD just keep showing that he has zero understanding of what he is doing or that he just does not care. He is lower than whale shit on the ocean floor.
Yes the fawns are still here. The fawns are born in the spring and stay with their mothers until the next spring. When the mothers get ready to have babies again, the one year olds are totally on their own. They still hang around but stay away from the new babies. Right now the fawn are losing their spots so they are starting to look like a smaller version of their mothers. Hunting season is near so some of the mothers probably will not see next spring.
Hugs to the tribe.
He is lower than whale shit on the ocean floor
Thanks Dip!! I needed that!
I guess it is just fear of the unknown as I move forward into the next phase.
Even though you post about stuff that isn't necessarily positive, I hope that you can see that the way in which you are posting is absolutely positive. Hugs to you, as always.
Perhaps you should begin injecting birth control into her lemons. Yeesh.
I'm just the fattest, dullest, meanest shittiest possible version of myself lately and I'm sick to death of it.
Of course he's venting in your general direction. That's because YOU are SAFE for him, while pfm is all about pfm's comfort to the detriment of everyone else, including his own son. Yay/boo for you. Yay because in a couple of years, DS will be in a much better place and he will still feel that you are his safe harbor, and boo for you because right now being the safe harbor means that you take the brunt of the hurricane's forces. (Sorry about the random metaphor. I can't help myself.)
I miss you when you are not here. Even though I grew up around hunters, it still makes me sad to think that those mamas might become part of the "circle of life" soon. But... as long as the WBucks and ODeer are happy, the fawns will be fine.
Oh my heavens. My metaphors really are out of control.
Soooo... how's life on the (nearly, sorta) other side?
Didn't they call it "having the vapors" in the olden days? I called it a nervous breakdown last year. Does that make me not one of the cool kids?
I hope today is a better (more centered, anyway) day for you.
I just made myself a list of things to do to get ready for filing. Making lists is always a positive thing for me... it means I have thought it through, made a decision and am starting to actually move toward (instead of dithering). I'm feeling good. Well, not good. Good-ish. Quasi-okay. Finey.
Meanwhile, WH informs me that they will set up the next round interview Monday. Keep up whatever you were doing before, please, okay?!
Has anyone experienced this after R. More info that is not what I was hoping for?
Ask Mr WYEnot this: If he had dropped dead or been killed, how would he feel if you were “over it” by now? What he has done is, in some ways, worse. Why? Because it was a choice, because it was something done to you, because it was deliberate and calculated. When someone dies, generally none of that applies. In which case, would you be “over it” already???? Fuckwit. He has no idea and I guess your upset is causing him a modicum of guilt. Poor baby.
Sorry.....I forgot to invite y'all to my pity party. Apparently, it's a 2 day event.
Coming back later to read more and post if I have time. (Two much to read!!!) I got my li’lle Polo today. Prob paid too much and now don’t want to sell the Freelander….. I can’t make a fucking decision these days…….! Oh and another course cancelled – the big one. Government funding has pretty much dried up and people are just shocked by the huge costs being imposed. A course that this time last year would have been half the price. Oh well….. Gotta go.