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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
Your continuing duck saga is so funny! I guess its because the images of these little ducks waddling around is so cute and funny too..
I totally understand why you would not be up for a 300 mile drive after a long work week.
I do think your FWH will be upset that he forgot your mother's birthday.

Hope things continue to go well for you and yours.


Deep- I'm so glad to hear that you have your MIL in your corner.And that she is on board with the 180. Your WW definitely needs a huuge dose of reality.

UKgirl-
I think that when you finally tell your kids you feel a great sense of relief.
I think it will help them understand what they have been seeing, sensing, and have most likely worried about over the past few years.
And..preparing them for the future, giving them access to the info on the computer will give you peace of mind.

Thanks all for the additional song suggestions....listening to music has been very therapeutic for me and I look forward to hearing all of the suggestions.


0115- Now as for the question about how they could have been involved with someone for so many years and not know the basics about the affair partner or even care about the affair partner enough to want to know....
well...that's what happened in my FWH's case.
I think the problem for us as BS is that we tend to try to understand the LTA through our own eyes, through our own way of looking at the world and we also base it on our own dating experiences.
We can only imagine that if they were 'involved' with someone like that then it had to be similar to the way that we experienced dating, romance, etc.

Well...I've been at this whole thing for over 4 yrs now.
I have read a ton of books, read a ton of posts on a variety of Infidelity sites, met a number of betrayed spouses and developed friendships with them and....so often the stories are the same....

there is nothing about a LTA that resembles a normal dating experience.
Nothing.
When you meet someone and 'fall in love' you want to tell everyone about them, include them in your life, you want to spend every minute with them, you want to get to know them...etc. etc. etc.

Thanks to my contact with the MOW's husband I got copies of many emails that were written from 2002-2005...so a real random sampling from many years.
And I have to tell you that when I read them...I was flabbergasted. My first reaction was...who is this man?
There was nothing remotely like what my husband sounded like in the tone of the emails. His remorseful letters to me post d-day sounded like Shakespeare..meanwhile the years of emails to the MOW were gross, degrading, adolescent sexual references throughout....and this was true for both my FWH and the MOW.
It was amazing how the emails from 2002 were identical in tone to the emails in 2005....there was no growth or development..nothing of substance.
It was all sexual... what are you going to do to me? what am I going to do to you? and the details of the acts were just plain gross, degrading (to her especially), and really embarassing.

There were a few emails that were from work and regarded work issues....so they did have that compartment too.
The other was this 'affair bubble'. The LTAs get stuck in theis never never land because the relationship cannot possibly grow beyond the parameters they have stuck it in.
Also..the way that it starts and the fact that their meeting consist of these short erratic sexual liasons...how much growth can there be?

a lot of my FWH's rendezvous were in a bar parking lot where the other co-workers were in the bar and the 'happy couple' would sneak out to the lot and sit in my FWH's car and he would sit upright staring at the door of the bar to make sure no co-workers were exiting...and the MOW would lean over and give him a BJ, wipe her mouth, and get in her car and they would drive home to their respective spouses.There was no hugging, kissing, etc. because of the need for secrecy and speed.

Can any of us (the BS) imagine wanting to stay in a relationship like this?

So 0115....this is my long winded answer to your question.
I know that after 5 yrs my FWH did not know whether the MOW had any siblings or where they lived....same with her...she had no clue what his family of origins was like, if he had a sibling or not....she knew bits and pieces of what you might find out about someone in the workplace....but that was where the most personal information was exchanged.
Ironically, in their 'private time' together or in their emails...nothing of substance was discussed. zero.

so..IMHO... LTAs are a unique and sick situation....nothing like a normal, mature, loving, committed, loving situation.


ats- so true about your observation. My over the top reaction to finding out about the LTA made me realize how much I still loved my husband.
If I didn't care I would have walked away without looking back.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl: You are in my thoughts and prayers when you tell your DS's what is going on. They probably already suspect there is something wrong already. It is better that they know what is going on.

Deep: I'm glad that your MIL is on your side. You are doing a great job with the 180. Your WW needs to wake up and make a decision to stay and work it out with you and leave the OP or just leave the house. It's time.

Laura: Oh those FDs!!! I think you are right about it keeping his mind on something. Geez. And he doesn't think they are going to do it right???? I'm not going there!

0115: Knowing or not knowing the OW's favorites? I guess, to me, it depends on the WS. Some of them don't even remember their own birthday or their parents' or children's birthdays, never mind what those people like. Then there are some people who do remember things about others, that is thier charm and how they get away with their shit. KWIM? For example, I have a friend who just remembers EVERYONE's birthday, whether or not they are close to her or not. Others remember telephone numbers easily. I don't think it's because they care. For us "normal" people, we remember because we care and we cannot judge these LTA WS's like "normal" people. One cannot analyze stupidity.

This is what I'm working on with NPD. He is NOT normal. He cannot have an intimate relationship with anyone. He pretended and I believed him because I so desparately wanted to even though I saw chinks in the armor and rips in the mask he was wearing.

The hardest thing for me as I read here, is that for NPD, the "A" was real. People and his family knew, except me. He made a full life with OW and OC's. It wasn't marshmallow lollipop world. He bought her an apartment, pays tuition for a good school for the OC's, LIVES there with them. I just didn't know. He stayed with me and our DS's when we were overseas, and saw OW and OC's after work.

It's too complicated......

Sorry for the vent.

9/11 is very triggery for me. Me and the DS's were to fly 9/13. NPD was overseas. My oldest DS is a NYC Firefighter, and yes he was there. Worked 24 hours on 24 off for several months in the rescue. NPD kept saying when was I coming overseas. I couldn't leave oldest DS at that time, he lost so many people and fellow firefighters and was in danger going through the rubble, and plus going overseas at that time????? So what does NPD do? He "marries" OW in early Nov. 2001! Takes her everywhere with him. Doesn't hide her at all.
So, besides the horrible devastation that our country and we as NYer's went through, I have my own too.

Oldest DS went through PTSD, had a very hard time, some health issues, but is ok now.

Fucking NPD and his selfishness!!!

Sorry for the rant/vent.



Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG

I thought things were heading the right direction. Then I checked his google search history.

Even though he's been NC with OW2 for a while, he's googling her.

In Feb, he was searching divorce lawyers.

There's more of course. I confronted him with it last night, and he told me the last piece of the story. The thing he's been holding back this whole time.

OW1 was in my house. I had to leave for a week here and there with the kids to visit my dying father. She moved right on in and played house. Slept in my bed, showered in my bathroom, ate dinner in my kitchen.

This is as bad as dday.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115:

first off, never apologize for jumpin in....we are all here for the same shit..so jump in whenever you need, whenever you think you could help or just whenever....

second:

So he screwed this woman for 6-12 years and didn't know any of this??? How can this be possible????

love how fnf highlighted the quote...

ok so he screwed this woman and obviously didnt care enough to find out....one would think that someone you are screwing is someone you would know some stuff about, at least the basic stuff...but thats not what their relationship was based on.....


laura:

i know you wanted him to remember..some people are just not geared to remember certain things especially if it invokes some kind of pain....and yes he will probably feel guilty and thats a good thing....when you saw he didnt remember why didnt you just tell him though...you already knew he forgot....he is unable to read minds and hearing about it may have changed what he did, or at the very least give you the option of his changing his plans....

anyways, celebrate your mom today....instead of concentrating on her death, celebrate her life and all that she was to you...

(((laura)))

ukgirl: i wish and hope for you that when you tell your boys that they give you what you so need....some major tlc from a person who would do anything for you....that kind of love that you recieve is priceless and so so healing within itself..


dp: i too am amazed at your mil...she must be one terrific lady...


(((honest)))

tomorrow is certainly a sad day for all of us...some more so then others...not a day we should forget, but definitely a day to celebrate who we are as a country, celebrate those who did make it home and honor those who perished...

as for mr fuckwit....well there are no explanations that can ever explain who he is, what he has done and continues to do...he is definitely a breed unto himself....and therefore to be considered for the award for the person (using the term person loosley here) of the decade to whom has many suns and a few a moons....the person voted most hated here at lta, voted the biggest fucktard, the person voted to become a "fd".....and then of course it would be lovely that once his need for being a "fd" were over he should be slaughtered and used to make pee-king duck!!!!

sorry, not sure if my mini fuckwit vent makes sense...but needed to get it out....

honest...come back and do some of your own venting...colorful language is not only welcome but will earn you some brownie points..


((((wye))))

omg, i am so so sorry hon...all of that sucks....if you have anyone irl that is supportive to you, call them and get out and do something....please dont stay home right now....and if you are not on any ad's, now would be a good time to see a dr and at least get some xanax....thats a lot of shit to deal with...


((((wye))))

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal - Lifehouse song....yeah, mascara alert for anyone dealing with infidelity. And the Daughtry song is pretty spot on for what some of us are hearing. Just wish the words were backed by actions. (That's gonna get me in the doghouse if FWH is reading here. Sigh....)

I think most of our WS's seek out AP's for their own selfish need for adoration without too much concern or affection for the AP. IMHO, they give the minimum attention required to keep the AP in the game.
I agree with this and I believe that is what happened in my sich. FWH was a real a$$ to OW, totally not the gentleman that I am used to him being. Just another side of him that I never thought was there but found out it is a part of him.

Me - sitting back chillin - being pleasant & polite & doesnt that piss her off more.
Its sad really but im not going to get drwan into it any more.
DP - Good for you! It's not that you're abandoning your family, just that you're no longer contributing to the "drama." Have you read Codependent No More? Really good book for just this sich.

UK - I ended up telling all of my kids. My DS17 actually asked me flat out if infidelity was the reason FWH and I were seeing a MC. I wasn't about to lie to him and said yes. We then told the older two in the following months. They were not surprised at all. They handled the news pretty well actually. All three have kept their relationship with FWH in good standing and they all work to make time to be with him when he's in town. (Except for DS24 who is in the military.) I sometimes get frustrated that they aren't as angry with him as I am, but I know that it really is MY problem, not their's. Good luck telling your boys. They will be okay as long as you are okay.

Honest - tomorrow will be such a difficult day for you and your family. God Bless your son for his service to his fellow firefighters and to the city he protects. They are the bravest of the brave and I am in awe of the work that our fire and police do on a daily basis to keep us. Give your son an extra hug from his Tribe-mommas!

WYE - Hang in there honey. There are gonna be some really dark days but then the pain will ease some. Do what you need to do to stay sane. Take care of yourself. If you're working on little to no sleep/food, it will be that much more difficult to keep your head above water. And some days, that's the best you can do. (((Worst)))

For some reason I'm backsliding. I'm crying every day, feel jumpy and anxious all the time. I had to take a Xanax today and I haven't had to do that in a month or so. FWH and I are starting to work out the financial aspects of the D and it has gotten contentious already. He is angry at me for wanting a D, so he is shifting blame as fast and as furiously as he can on to me. He told me that some mutual friends have told him that they are disappointed in me for now working harder to get past the LTA. These same people have told me that they are behind me all the way. So, do I call them up and ask them WTF? One of them is a friend that has actually been a huge support to me. I don't want to sound like a tattle-tale, but FWH is using these "comments" or his interpretation of their comments, to bolster his arguments for why I'm to blame for the D and why he doesn't need to contribute to my "lifestyle." Any advice??

Tomorrow will be a sobering day for most, but especially for those in the Northeast. Hugs to you!!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((strong)))

remember hon they dont call this the rollercoaster for nothin...

seriously, you have so much goin on in your life, and now you talking the fine points of a divorce...which is hard enough to do when the ws is cooperating and not bein a bitch....

sounds alot like he is bein a bitch...got his knees all up in his britches (think i got the quote wrong, but i think you know what i mean anyways...)....

he is acting out, being a sore loser so to speak....and doin what so many, too many ws do best...blameshift....much easier for them if they dont have to see themselves...

and i would not believe a word he says about anybody, remember he can lie with the best...as far as friends...if they are really supportive of him it will show, and this is when your true friends will get weeded out from the bad ones...


(((strong)))

dont stop posting either...remember the pm feature is your best friend...its one i have learned to count on..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

WYE

She moved right on in and played house. Slept in my bed, showered in my bathroom, ate dinner in my kitchen.

BITCH!!!!!!

I am so sorry honey. Knowing the OWs might have been in my house has always bothered me. FWH told me that OW1 came to the house one day with her H (not the one she was married to when he fucked her 16 yrs ago) and he introduced me to them!!!!!!! The HIDE of these people!!! I don't remember thank God. OW2 also came but didn't come inside. They sat on the verandah and talked. OW3 came into the house - sat at my living room table. He swears none were ever in our bed - said he wouldn't do that to me . But it still worries me!!!!!!!!

So I can relate!!!! I am so sorry. These FTs are so insensitive and cruel. Such horrible news.

Can I make a suggestion? Shortly after dday before I confronted him I saw my attorney. I changed my will so that if anything happens to me he gets no part of my share of our assets and my share of the house goes to the kids. I have told them about this. Made them swear to sell him up. I explained that I did this because I will never have one of his whores living in my house. My nightmare is that I will die, and he will marry one of his whores and play happy families in my house. I will not have it (STAMPS FOOT!!!!). So now I can relax knowing that can never happen. It makes me feel good. Really gives me peace of mind. This may sound petty and spiteful but I have worked full time my whole life, I earn almost twice as much as him and he has blown a fortune over the years. We would not have what we have now if I hadn't worked so hard and done without. As well, the good memories I have from our "marriage" all centre around this house - we have been here for about 18yrs and I thought we were working together for our future - I won't have this house contaminated by his whores when I go!!!! Let's just call it karma. He knows what I have done and has never argued. His only comment when I told him was "I guess I deserve that".

Doing something similar may help you to deal with this. Another way to take back your territory!!!! For me doing this also made it clear he had to choose to stay with me for me - there will be no big payout to look forward to if I predecease him - which given the stress I probably will

HUGS honey.

NJ

LTAs are a unique and sick situation....nothing like a normal, mature, loving, committed, loving situation.

Thanks for your thoughts on this. Soon after dday I could never have believed what you have said but as time goes on I am becoming more convinced you are right. The "relationship" they had with these women was sick and twisted - a filthy backroom fantasy that many called "love" to try to justify the unjustifiable.

Yes I try to laugh about the ducks. It really is quite trivial. We now have a few dozen to feed but the cost of keeping them is tiny compared to the monthly bill for thousands we used to have for the race horses. Bless their little hearts - and stomachs

These are the ones he wants to buy - and yes they are pretty!!!

Honest

9/11 is very triggery for me.

I can see why! It is so unfair that on this day you also have those awful memories to deal with.

HUGS

Miracle

I didn't say anything because I really wanted him to go. For him. Fucked up isn't it? This has been the story of our whole marriage. I can't help myself. I always think "I'll be OK. He really wants to do this. I should let him - it's no big deal and I will feel guilty if I stand in his way." I don't plan to remind him - I don't want to punish him for going - but sooner or later he will probably remember. I can't do anything about that.

the person voted most hated here at lta, voted the biggest fucktard,......he should be slaughtered and used to make pee-king duck!!!!

Loved your mini-vent

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest

Forgot to add

Others remember telephone numbers easily.

FWH never wrote down his OWs numbers- at least I couldn't find anything. Going through the old phone bills for evidence I found lots of occasions when I know he dialled the wrong number - because similar numbers came up 2 or 3 times before the correct one!!! Must have been hard remembering 3 home and 3 cell numbers!!!! - No wonder he could never remember mine or the kids

Strong

We cross posted.

For some reason I'm backsliding. I'm crying every day, feel jumpy and anxious all the time.

To be expected honey. I'm so sorry. Really sorry. The blameshifting also makes it hard too. The reality is he chose and now you are choosing. As I said earlier, I think anger is often a reflection of other emotions. He is probably fearful and guilty and doesn't know how to deal. But he is being a FT!!!!!! and needs to grow a pair. Face up to the consequences. He did the crimes and now will have to do the time! He made choices (dozens if not 100s of times!!!) and now has put you in this awful position and he is blaming you??? Good grief!!!

My SIL left her WH 15 yrs ago and married my DB 10 yrs later. Her WH also travelled internationally and had an A which lasted a week. Compared to what our FWH's did to us this was nothing!!!! We had years of betrayal. For my SIL his A was a dealbreaker!!! These stupid FWSs don't realise how lucky they are that we gave them any sort of chance to prove they were worth the effort. And if they don't step up - how on earth can they complain about the consequences???

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

You will never guess! FWH just phoned and he hasn't bought any FDs but did buy some chooks. So I can now tell stories about the FCs. Love it!!!!

This is the kind he bought:

He paid $110 for a rooster and 2 hens!!! All I can say is they better lay bloody good eggs and have lots of babies for him to sell!!!

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura:

a cock and some chicks...there is something seriously wrong here...


and telling him....is for him....not just you...i assume that the ultimate goal is to have true reconcilliation where you have open communication and are not afraid to talk to each other about anything and everything....

the good part is that this a marriage issue and not an "a" issue....the bad part is that it is an issue as long as "you" do not communicate "your" needs....and as much as i know you would love it if he remembered on his own, you cant change nor fix that one...but as far as needing him to be with you or acknowledging what the date means to you....tell him....

miracle update: went out with dd last nite....pfm tried to ask where we were going,... i told him "out"....rolled my eyes and walked away....well a bit later before we went out he asks..."would you consider reconcilliation"....in my head and i might have said it out loud..."are you fucking kidding me..."" you have not changed, you may be changing but you are not changed, you stand on no legs to ask"....so i draw the conclusion that his balls are definitely big enough for him to stand on, and they are really talented balls too, they have led him all the way to where he is now.... ...not quite sure where that is, cept of course the proverbial dog house....


school is tiring....the chairs in this school suck a moosehead...my ass hurts too......i actually bring a chair pad with me.. ...and the other students dont make fun of me, they are jealous...thats how much the chairs suck...

so far i like 2 out of the 3 teachers....jury still out on #3....

allgood: its good to see you still like to see more action here......its amazing how it gives you a sense of peace...yet when there are too many posts it gives you a sense of will i ever catch up.....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi miracle

a cock and some chicks...there is something seriously wrong here...

As for the communication. You are right. I should be able to say. Thing is I can say "Today my mum would've been 88. I'm a little sad but I really want you to go. Don't worry about me I will be fine" and he should say "I'm so sorry. I know it's a bad day for you. Are you sure you will be OK?" Then I say "Yes. Go. Have a good time".

But that isn't what would happen. He would stay home, I would feel guilty -so next time I wouldn't say anything!!!! God even "normal"relationships are difficult!!!

So sorry pfm is still pissing you off. Sheesh! I almost feel sorry for him.

the chairs in this school suck a moosehead...my ass hurts too......i actually bring a chair pad with me..

If you were in my class I'd give you an "A" for initiative. It's called commonsense!!!

Night Yanks

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
Thanks for the thoughts. WW is still sucking lemons big time - tried her own 180 today big giving the groceries to the kids to carry & parking so i couldnt park in the driveway... now i know why. 8pm sunday she walks out & drives away as she didnt go sunday sfternoon. Its thrown me just a little mainly because the kids have been put to bed & they know she just left & they hurt.

At an end of season sports presentation today a friend called me a saint - i havent said to much to this person but WW & his wife know each other quite well - they have worked it out just wondering how many others.


MIL is great woman ..afterall she has been where weve been. Its hard for her as all of her 4 children have issues but her own daughters infidelity just like her fathers cuts very deep. Our kids are & will be her only grandchildren so she is especially protective of them.

Your WW definitely needs a huuge dose of reality.

Shes too busy running away from reality to even know what it is.

Reality will in the end be for her living a lonely existence & her children hating her for what she has done to their family.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 5:15 AM, September 11th (Sunday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP

Can't chat. FWH has just arrived home with his FCs.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now you have FC's & FD's when he starets on the FE's get worried fucking elephants wont fit in the trailer


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm watching the 9/11 ceremonies and they are so sad.
I was in tears and just needed to take a break from it for a minute.

That sense of loss.

The incredible cruelty that human beings are capable of.

The extraordinary bravery that others exhibited.

When I think of those firefighters rushing back into the burning towers or the heroism of those passengers on the highjacked flight that crashed into the field in PA.

And then the strength, endurance, and hope in addition to the loss -you can see all that in the faces of the family members there today.

Honest- Sending you and your DS big hugs on this day. Your firefighter sons are heroes.
Most of us here on the east coast have some kind of connection to 9/11 and
I am keeping all of those that have been touched by this tragedy in my prayers.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am about done. I know I need to give myself time to absorb all the shit from the last week, but I am feeling closer to done every day.

He wants 2 months. I've already given him 2 months since dday and he kept lying.

How the hell do I do this?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wye)))

dont give him anytime...BUT...and its a big but...give yourself time...at least 6 months from d-day to decide what you want and how to go about it.....in the meantime you line up your ducks, you get you together, become the bestest you you can be...work on getting yourself whole again....you have been split into pieces by this shit....you are also too raw and way too emotional to make any permanent decisions....so dont give him a minute, but take all the time YOU need...and start out with at least 6 months...there is so much to digest and process....

time to make it all about you, wonderful you....

and you can do this....set you mind to it and do it....


(((wye)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-
Trickle truth is the worst. Wish these WS understood that.
Just get it over with and tell the whole pathetic sad story at once.
But, then again...with a LTA there is so much that happened how can they tell us everything? and...do they want to?
and some of the things -the WS just don't understand how awful they were until they see it again through the eyes of the BS.
A biggie for me was when I found out (from another co-worker of my FWH) that the MOW came to MY father's funeral! That's right! My father...not even my FWH's father. Can you imagine the nerve it took? Or the total and complete lack of sensitivity?

My FWH did nothing about it...not that he could when it happened...but after I found out that this had happened I totally lost it! How cruel. What a total invasion of our family! Of our life! How dare this skanky skank have the nerve to sashay into my father's funeral under the guise of being a caring co-worker? I never met the woman for heaven's sake! She came to stalk me. And my FWH let her...he never called her on it. Didn't even complain to her that she did this... at the time all he said to her was that it seemed strange to see her there......( ya think?).
This was something that has taken me years to get over.
And something that really gets to me...still.

My FWH is now horrified at the thought of it. Totally remorseful about it....he now sees what an invasion it was and he can't understand how he allowed that woman to infiltrate areas in his life that he had firmly told her were off limits.

You see..they had rules about the LTA...but this particular MOW liked to push the envelope for kicks.

So... I totally understand how you feel.
It is a boundary that was crossed.
I agree with miracle though...take some time to work on yourself now... are you seeing a IC?

At just a few months post d-day I was a wreck....needed meds, saw a IC regularly..you name it...did whatever it took to keep myself together and my head above water- massages, yoga. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to sleep...so there I'd be soaking in a tub at 2AM.

It is not easy.Take care of yourself.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, September 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

worst-year-ever Yep, you're right, he didn't care.

NJgal

Well...I've been at this whole thing for over 4 yrs now.

Can I just say how kind it is to give your hard earned wisdom to us "newbies".

It was all sexual... what are you going to do to me? what am I going to do to you? and the details of the acts were just plain gross, degrading (to her especially), and really embarassing.

I had him read your post. He said it made him sick to his stomach because it was so accurate.

Well tribe, end of my dilemma on that issue. He was a selfish bastard who only cared for himself. I believe that.

Thanks so much...

0115


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
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