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User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well put jjct. For most of us BSes faced with losing our WSes, we imediately jump to the good things that we are losing and focus on that. We do our own history rewrite. Just like a WS forgets about all the good in the marriage and villainizes us and demonize the marriage, we tend to put them on a pedestal and think about how much we loved them and remember all the wonderful times. we forget all the selfishness and cruelty, the hurtful things they say and do. Because we are not trying to hang on to that part of them.....losing that part does not hurt. Losing the good things is what we feel strongly about. So we think about the good things they brought us and amplify it and focus on it...... If we reverse that and view our marriage as a WS does when they are justifying....then we can see the bad and the good becomes minimized. It is all in the perspective you choose to view your marriage.

If you are struggling with letting go......change your perspective. Instead of focusing on all the reasons you don't want to give up the marriage......focus on all the reasons you HAVE to give up the marriage. Focus on all the crap you will no longer have to deal with. It makes it easier.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night was another night in hell. WH went to the casino again, for the "free drawing," which takes about an hour, and came home almost 5.5 hours later with the old familiar look on his face. I had been asleep, but he was drunk when he came in, so he woke me up. Seeing the look, I asked him if he won, and he said, "No, I lost it all." I asked how much was all, since he's not telling me what we have anymore. He evaded answering 3 or 4 times until I forced it, then admitted it was $800! You better believe I was sitting up in bed and having something to say about that.

We lost our internet for most of the day, and didn't get it again till just before I'm ready for bed, so this won't be a long post, but:

-He is on notice that I want out.
-He is pushing for counseling so we can stay together.
-He wanted sympathy for losing the money!
-I am unsupportive and always cruel.
-He apologized for a couple things, and now is pissed because I didn't come around after just 3 hours of sleep to his way of thinking.
-He knows I am aware he called OW while I was dying in the hospital and denies remembering.

I am so tired, I can't even think straight. He brought it back around as always to his "grief" problem, and I brought it back around to his behaviors. He gave me this great line, "Oh, so we have a little trouble, and you just want out!"

A LITTLE TROUBLE? The last 15 years have been bad, but the last 10 have been sheer HELL. No, not a little!

I'll post tomorrow, if we have internet. I don't know why it went out to begin with.

Yeah, focusing on the BAD is the way to look at things. If you look at the good, it sucks you back in.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm back. Embarrassed, but back. He came out of the fog a few weeks ago and was doing his "wonderful" NPD antics, making me question whether he is NPD, should I reconcile, etc.

WTF is my problem? There are days I feel so strong and then he can suck me back in and I start excusing his bad behavior again.

I am feeling strong now, and I just have to hope that this continues. I have IC next week (I go every 2 weeks) and that should be helpful.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did the fog lift so he could get his way? Is it really fog or just part of his cycle?

Take note, we all wobble! I do, but I know the signs, I know the speak, I know that I will eventually be punished. I fantasize about having a united family for my kids, but at whose expense? I know it would be everyone's except his. His wonderful family so he can once again get all the women's adoration at being a great father and husband.

The wobbles are less now, because the fog here is thick and has a faint sewer smell.

Don't doubt yourself! Journal and keep notes. Do you feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? I have a friend who tells me that is what my texts are like between me and my stbx. She has seen the nasty childlike verbal tantrums, and they are not pretty. So why do I fantasize about a man who is so broken that he would say the most heinous things to me, only to say that this is what we do when we argue. I really don't think he knows what he says anymore, he is just so messed up and doesn't know what he wants. Thank God I do.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, wontdefineme. Who knows, but from what he described, it did sound like the fog lifted.

He is quite intelligent, though, and knows how to say the right things to confuse me.

I probably will wobble again, but I just have to keep coming back here and rereading and reminding myself what/who he really is.

I had stopped journaling these past couple of weeks. Probably because I was afraid of what I would realize when I was trying to convince myself to R with him.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 7 months S and 26 years from my first "oh god what have I done" moment. I always told him that I believed once S happened with a couple and they were not in the same house fighting for the marriage, it was over. I knew I meant me. Because once I had the courage to leave once, I would never be able to do it again.

How many nights did you lay there praying for an out? Not really wanting to go, but not knowing how to make it stop? Knowing that you loved this person, but not knowing how they loved you but hurt you this way?

I have heard that we don't know what good is and will never experience it if we stay with what we know. And what we know is abuse, plain and simple.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PHMH,
The only way to leave successfully is to leave and go HARD n/c. NPD's are master manipulators and will say and do anything to get what they want. By going n/c you will minimize your chances of being baited back into the relationship.

It's hard, but keep trying.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like I wasn't the only one who had a hard night/day yesterday.

Hugs to all of you who are still struggling.

I am too. I am feeling the heartbreak, the deepest pain I have ever experienced, but I am not backing down.

He did come back tonight, but only to show me how cold he is. And it worked. He did.

This is good. It helps. The links of the chain are being snipped by him. As long as I don't run around behind him soldering them together, there won't be any left. And I'm not.

I will feel the pain, move through it, past it, and come out the other side.

We are going to have to live in the same house for a while. Our son doesn't want him to move in with him and we cannot afford to rent another place for H.

I just have to remain "heels stuck in the ground" during his coldness/anger.

I did surprise myself yesterday. I was beyond broken, but I didn't give in. Not going to.

I'm doing what I should have done over 20 years ago when he first showed my who he was. I stayed in order to avoid the pain of leaving. I'm not afraid to feel the pain now.

Now, kicking myself in the ass, and LIVING my life while living through the pain. That's my next challenge. I can do it. We can all do it!


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually I just realized I need to keeep my heels dug in when he's NICE! It's easy when he's "spock".

He sucks me back in with small talk at first, and I respond because I feel bad for being "stubborn" if I don't. Then it's a slippery slope back to denial.

His attempts at small talk have grossed me out for a while now, once I realized what it was, and how cheap I was by responding to it.

It doesn't work on me anymore.

I have a feeling that this will drive him crazy, and he will find a place regardless of cost, or he will escalate.

Either way will just show me who he truly is.


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please be very careful and do not engage even in harmless small talk. They are masters of deception and can make you doibt that there were ever any problems. They will convince you that you are blowimg everything out og proportion. They are more cunning than a rattle snake.

Also be very aware of the rages as they come on in a split second and can turn deadly. I lived with stbx's rages for 4 years intill the final.one proved to me that he was either beat me or kill me. He always tild me he could kill me and no one would find my body. I finally believed him and left him.

I know how much we want to believe that we had soooooo many great,years with our NPD but it is wishful thinking. I did the same thing until after I began to hear all the lies he was telling about me. That was when I began to do a post mortem on my marriage. I got real with myself and discovered just how many Red Flags I made myself ignore. One I did this it made it easier to see all his NPD traits and to know that there is no amount of my love that will fix him. He broken and will never get help.

Knowing all this allowed me to.let go and find a small amout of peace. We r nc anf I now have a PO against. I no longer dream of getting back together. I am happier being alone and not.walking on eggshells or worrying if he is going to punish me by not speaking yo me for a week. But best of all I dont have to feel guilty when I am to ill to get out of bed.

Find some peace in your life one you detach fron the NPD bs. You all deserve real love.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am doing what you all were talking about before: focusing on the BAD.

That's easy to do, because there's so bloody much of it. This has been a trainwreck, and I can't deal with it anymore. Every time I remind WH of some mean thing he said, it's always "I just said it in anger." Yeah, I know. But you meant it, too, goes the voice in my head. He's so desperate, he promised to find out if my old therapist "is willing to take us back." After he told me he'd never go to her because she's my "friend," and wouldn't be FAIR to him.

My middle son, who we live with, is now aware of the impending divorce. When WH was gambling our money the other night, I talked to him. I asked him not to pick any fights with WH, (happening a LOT lately because he's so sick of WH's behavior,) and he said yes, without knowing why I was asking. He's asked me before, several times, why I'm still married to WH. That's kind of sad, huh?

Anyway, I told him I plan to divorce WH, and he looked me in the eye and said without hesitation, "You're staying HERE." I started crying. He put his arms around me and stood there hugging me, rubbing my back. He's such a good son to me.

I told him I was afraid it might get ugly, and he quietly removed the guns from the house to his friend/neighbor's house. I said we could talk about the why's later, I just needed him to help keep things calm for a while so I could do what I need to do to make this happen.

So another step has been taken that won't allow me to back out and/or wobble much longer. I'm going to ask him to help me start an account at his bank, which WH does not have an account at, so that when the time comes, I can have my checks deposited there. I'm also going to have him help me get a phone to hide.

He is very willing to be my ally and support in this, and for that, I'm grateful. I thought he would, but with WH's behavior driving wedges in, I wasn't sure he'd be willing. He told me I'd never have to worry about a place to live. And is being kind to his little brother, who will be shaken by this whole mess.

I'm on my way, finally... making progress to get out of this hell that I'm in.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was posted out in General, but as I'm reading, I thought, OMG! I have to post it here!

READ THIS:

http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html

ETA: It's written by a woman, about MALE Borderlines.

ETA again: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I AM READING ABOUT MY WH!! SHE WROTE ABOUT HIM!! Not directly, of course, but THIS IS HIM!!

There is NO going back. I will NOT stay with him. Thank God I caught this post in General! THIS is what I'm taking to the IC... and THIS is what will finish him in my head and never allow him back in.

Wow

[This message edited by SoHurt at 12:19 PM, February 18th (Saturday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job SoHurt.....you are starting the ball rolling.....now let it pick up momentum.....Proud of ya!!!


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Cool  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job SoHurt.....you are starting the ball rolling.....now let it pick up momentum.....Proud of ya!!!

Awww... thank you, Frank. You have NO idea what that means to me. I do believe I was trying to avoid it as long as I could. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's true, I suppose. Who wants to shake up their entire world after so long?

It was an unavoidable, out-of-my-control-impulse to tell my son, and he WILL hold me accountable for any inaction on my part. Now, as I'm reading this article, and saying OMG over and over, I am SO glad I took that step! Now I can't back out, I know he will support me emotionally, and I feel so much safer with the guns out of the house.

Interesting side note I just realized... I had asked WH to chamber a round and set it to half-cock so all I had to do was pull the hammer back to fire it. (This is because we live in a questionable country neighborhood where quick action may be necessary, and I am home, in bed, ALONE a lot of the time, so very vulnerable.) When I gave it to my son to take away, I told him there was a round in there. There WASN'T. So, if I'd needed to use it, I couldn't have done it quickly. I don't even want to think about what that really means. Again, I'm SO glad the guns are out of the house.

As to the article I'm still reading, I am not kidding or over-dramatizing when I say this woman is writing about my WH. My head is nodding so rapidly and often that I'm getting a neck ache! HOW DID I LIVE THIS WAY SO LONG??? I'll be figuring that out AFTER I end this mess.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
Faithsurviver
♀ Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N's particularly target caregivers who happen to appear in their orbits.

Wow, that hit home for me, even though I didn't see myself so much as a caregiver at the time I met XNPDWH!

I can see why he targeted his OW/whore-wife since she was

1. 30 yrs younger than him
2. worked as his maid when he was working in the Philippines
3.Took care of him when he got Hep A and was in the hospital, while I found out 2 days later that he was hospitalized in the Philippines when he casually skyped me and told me not to fly over to care for him
4.OW was probably so desperate to get out of the Philippines that she did, said, promised him anything to get him to take her

The only question I have is, when will he grow tired of her and move on to victim #4???


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great article!


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The following was posted in "general". She is describing what her personality disordered H's IC told her.

This advice is SPOT ON to what you have when dealing with the PD'rd person. There are no meds,or any treatment that an make it better.

The one thing I will say about the antisocial traits is something his IC told me (with permission): while he does love me on some sort of embryonic level---the level of which he is capable---when push comes to shove, if he feels threatened in any way, he will lash out, in escalating ways, without concern of who is hurt.

NPD's are like children stuck in an adult body. They are emotionally immature and incredibly selfish....much like children. But when you're the target of an NPD rage, you are dealing with a full grown man who is out of control.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I wonder about and I have seen nearly Everyone here say it; when I left my WS (who I think is NPD or antisocial or some combination) he didn't try to suck me back in. He didn't call me or text me, and rarely even called to talk to our 4 little boys. It kind of seemed like....it didn't really bother him that we left . He immediately had the whole house cleaned and bought all new furniture! He acted totally non chalantly about it all. Our 1 year old was in the ER and he didn't even call to see how he was doing. If trying to get you back is such an NPD trait, what is total lack of ......anything??? Holy crap....why am I still here???


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only answer I can offer, Dawn, is that perhaps he has another source of supply and doesn't need you right now. I have no idea, but as I was getting ready to post a question, I saw yours. Like I said, I have no idea. Every time I think I've got things figured out, something else happens that makes me wonder.

Here's what I'm struggling with today. After WH gambled away that $800 the other night, he said something that just now came back to me, and has me wondering.

I had just told him I was thinking I want out of this marriage, that too many things had been done, too much damage, never gave up the OW, etc. After he realized I wouldn't give him any sympathy for what he'd done, he started blaming his inability to grieve over his losses again. One of his responses was, "You don't know how many times I've been suicidal in the last month."

Why would the last month be so much worse, if his friend and his brother died almost 9 months ago? I tend to think this is a manipulation of my caregiver feelings, but need some input. I'm on such overload it isn't even funny anymore, and I feel like I'm drowning...

I'm not wobbling, really. I guess what I'm concerned about is if I kick him to the curb, and he commits suicide, is that going to be something I caused? Is it even likely? If he's Borderline rather than NPD, (as his resemblance to that article earlier was very profound,) or some mix, does that change the picture at all? Does that mean I need to handle his exit from the house any differently? Does any of that even matter, and crazy is crazy and I just need to get done with this?

I don't know if I'm taking on guilt I shouldn't, or if I'm being manipulated, or if I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing, or... I don't know much of anything anymore.

Does any of that make sense? I feel like I'm going to go crazy, myself.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If trying to get you back is such an NPD trait, what is total lack of ......anything??? Holy crap....why am I still here???

Trying to get you back, stalking, harassing etc is part of the NPD's mo. However, so is acting as if you never existed an never calling again.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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