Well, does he have her fooled!
I was relaying some of what he's done/said to my therapist today, and she is just aghast that I was able to put up with him for so long and even normalize his behavior.
I found her through the EAP program at his work. She said that she basically had a 50/50 chance of getting him or me (he's using the same program) and every time I see her, she tells me how happy she is that I'm the one who walked through her door.
Anyway, I don't think I posted here, but he came out of the fog on Saturday, at least partially. He was trying to get me back, but I'm not sure what he's thinking now. He can be so charming that he almost had me thinking about trying to reconcile, but thanks to the great NPD info here (and elsewhere), I regained my mind before it was too late!!!
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I was following your other thread....I saw you wobble a little but it didn't take long for you to clear your head....good job!!!
Yeh, mine was trying to make me wobble too. The NPD just shines through so clearly. Well now I know why....she got her ducks in a row!!! Coming after me with her attorneys blazing. Word is she is going to try to clean my clock. Not saying where I got that info....but very reliable. So I am supposed to get served next week.
For all of those holding off on filing.....lesson learned. Should have gone through with the refiling months ago. Now she has financial ducks in a row and has lawyered up.....big time. She was just stalling me all this time.....
I am NPD poster child of how to fuck things up. For those of you who follow my posts.....just know that I have to learn shit the hard way. Many of my lessons that I pass on here are because I keep doin shit wrong. I learn and then pass them on to you. I am the did whose mom told me not to touch the stove.....I always touch the stove!!!!
If I had refiled after I fucked it up the first time, I would be divorced by now. Nooooo.....I had to sit on it and let her get her NPD feet under her. I had to wait while she got her money together for her hot shot attorney......No simple uncintested $300 divorce for me....uh uh......gonna have to shell out the bucks for the attorney now......I touched the fucking stove AGAIN!!!!
Status: S & D'ing
every time I see her, she tells me how happy she is that I'm the one who walked through her door
Sad, isn't it? I'm so glad you have someone on your side who can validate what you're going through. This forum helps, but having someone IRL is fantastic. I'm that he doesn't think he's NPD and neither does his therapist. Typical! I'm sure mine would turn it around and make me out to be the NPD. I'd ask, but I'm sure that's what would happen, and it wouldn't be pretty for me after that.
Isn't it scary that they can turn on that charm and make us think it's real? That they can hook us so easily, with empty words and actions? It freaks me out, sometimes. That's what mine's doing. He's being soooo good right now. Well, except for the other hoochies still on his list on FB.
I wonder where I'd be if I never wanted to R after his A 10 years ago...
Oh, well. I suppose it doesn't matter at this point. I just wish, sometimes. If I'd been stronger, more aware, if if if. But I am now, and I suppose that's what should matter. Round and round we go. Well, I guess we just do what we gotta do till we can get out from under. I just wish I hadn't been such a weenie all those years ago.
ETA: FRANK! Stop beating yourself up over it! She played you. You are the one who keeps telling me that's WHAT THEY DO! So you fell down... now you gotta get up. Drill Sergeant SoHurt says DO IT! I'm sorry you got caught up. We all are susceptible to that, because we love. Don't feel bad, ok? Seriously, buddy, ya gotta keep going and not let it get you down. I'd hug you, but you might hit me for this.
[This message edited by SoHurt at 6:52 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]
SoHurt -- it is so scary! I know what he is, yet I was still trying to make excuses (maybe he just has NPD tendencies, maybe he can be cured, maybe he loves me...) WTF was I thinking? I am sorry that you didn't get out earlier, but I am glad that you are getting out now. You still have so much of your life to live and I know it will be fantastic!!!
phmh, at this point, I'd settle for a quiet life in which no other NPD's enter. I keep circling around, too. He is, is he, he is, is he... It's insane to keep doing it, but it's hard not to. I swear I'm gonna go officially insane by the time it's all said and done.
I've wobbled too lately and will probably still be doing it until the day I die because I gave my heart and soul to the man I promised to love for the rest of my life. I promised him and God and I hate that I have to break my promise to God. That's the worst part of it.
I have to break my promise to God. That's the worst part of it.
That's harder than all the rest. I couldn't care less what others think, but I do care about that vow I made. And unfortunately, I do love WH, so that has to be in there. But ultimately, he isn't who I vowed in front of. That was God, and His opinion matters to me a lot.
ETA: Weebles. I remember those! I resemble one!
[This message edited by SoHurt at 9:12 PM, February 8th (Wednesday)]
For the last two weeks, my eyes have been weepy, probably from so much time on the computer combined with needing to cry more than normal. WELL known in the house. Been using napkins, (OUCH!) for lack of Kleenex. The sides of my eyes are constantly red and irritated. Everyone in the house knows. Even my dog.
So WH says, what do you need from the store? I say, Puffs Plus Kleenex. Bought it lots of times. I mean, LOTS. It's the only kind I use, because I have really sensitive skin.
What did he bring me?
Puffs Plus, all right. Too bad the PLUS IS VICK'S! I mean, COME THE FU@K ON!! I'm gonna wipe my EYES with that crap???
I wanted to throw the box at him. I wish that was the only insult in there.
Know what he said? "I thought you had a runny nose."
And what? Vick's is gonna make it STOP RUNNING?
Son of a BITCH! I'm gonna just stop right there, because I'll start raving if I keep going.
I spoke with NPD STBXWH on Monday night and he informed me that even though I think he has NPD (he must have been snooping and have seen all of the N books!) his therapist says that he doesn't have any PDs.
What are the chances his therapist ACTUALLY said that he doesn't have any PDs? I'm guessing Vegas wouldn't touch those odds.
Exactly. NPD = pathalogical liar
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
Since I believe WS is NPD borderline or otherwise I guess it's time that I started posting here. I am not married to him but I am separated from him and hurting all the same.
This was the post:
Big revelation in IC and it wasn't even any kind of breakthrough for me.
I had texted his ex-wife to find out if she knew he was in a car accident (he hit a cyclist).
WS ex-wife texted me during my IC appointment...as follows:
"I know that he hit the cyclist. I know also that the love story turned to almost nothing. She won't leave her husband."
My IC smiled when I told her what it said. Then I got the oh shit moment. What if he tries to come back? What if he DOESN'T? Will I still get the house? Will he try to see the kids more often like I was afraid of if he doesn't have the A as a distraction?
My head is spinning today.
His other friend called me to tell me the news. He talked to her for a long while last night and she says that he is very, very upset and distraught. Apparently, she had told her husband, friends and family that she was leaving her husband for her piece of ass and they did not approve and told her what a mistake she is making. Her husband is showering her with flowers and promises. She is not sure that her schmoopie will not abandon her like he did 23 years ago. She is going for the more stable option and the security.
WS told the friend that he is willing to wait for her. He has loved her for 23 years and he will always love her.
What the hell do I do now? I go on but my plans better not be screwed up now. I am supremely pissed that this happened when I am so close to getting what I want. ME getting what I want for once. Why can't anything go right for me?
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 12:13 PM, February 9th (Thursday)]
If he is NPD then you can expect to hear from him. Dr. Sam Varknin (Malignant Self Love - Narcississm Revisited) has 124 vid clips on YouTube. In One of the ones I was watching last night, he talked about how a N will reach out to old loves, old friend, and even old advesaries when their supply is cut off.
If you spend some time here on NPD thread you will see just how toxic and manipulative they can be. If you are worried about him enticing you back into the relationship, read all of the posts here.....you will be fine. He will show his true self and that will be the end of the wobble.
If you are sure you are safe from his toxic charm and just want him gone from your life, do not feed his NPD. Very distant and cold......uh huh, and uh uh, and hmmmm answers.....limit your vocabulary with him to those three statements. He will disappear again before you know it. You can be the Kreskin of the NPD world.....Now you see him.....Now you don't. Poof!!!
Keep doin what you're doing...it will be fine.
One can only hope.
Anyway, Lola, keep reading here. I learn something new every day, and it's really eye-opening. I cut myself slack on not catching phmh's thing 'cuz I'm still new at this "game." But some days are just a little more Weebley than others... I stick mostly to this forum just because I DO wobble.
Today was a real wobbly day for me. I 180'ed my 180 again. Wish I could just change my username to Weeble. It fits. sigh Maybe we should request the thread be renamed NPD Weebles.
Done tryin' to be funny. Just checking in.
I can only speak for myself on this one. I don't feel "better," either, except in knowing that I'm not the crazy one. In that respect, I do feel a LOT better. I had been doubting my sanity for a long, long time, and this is giving me answers I never thought I'd find.
There really IS no living with them, unless you want to live with crazy on this level. As I understand it, it's a spectrum, though, with variances in how drastic the reactions/rages can be.
If you're tired of dealing with crazy, then it's maybe time to start figuring out how to get out, and that's where this forum comes in handy. You can't just leave an NPD and Poof! they're gone. It's not that simple. You have to do it very carefully, and prepare yourself to deal with the NPD wanting you back as a supply. They don't just let go. They need a supply, and they circle around like a vulture, waiting for you to let them back in, using whatever charm they can to succeed.
There are a lot of good reasons to arm yourself with this knowledge, even though it doesn't feel good or make you feel better in any way other than to know what you're dealing with so you can protect yourself in the future.
That's my take on what I've learned from these guys. I'd like to be corrected on any and every point, if I misspoke.
.....what is the good in trying to figure out his PD,knowing full well it is probably not fixable?
If he does have a PD, reading about it will help YOU learn how to better deal with him.
Can people live with these people anyways? Does it get worse?
Is it doomed to failure? My IC said she could counsel me in how to deal with him, but we never got that far. I am so tired of dealing with his craziness. Sometimes I just want to pretend that everyting is ok and bury my head in the sand. Sorry, not sure where I am going with this..............maybe just questioning the usefulness of it all...
Why are you staying? What's in it for you?
It helped knowing that there was a name for the cruelty. That I was worth fighting for, but he really doesn't know how to and I know I am glad that he didn't. It makes it easier to read him and know that my life wouldn't be any different than it was years ago if I stayed.
It was the understanding I needed when he refused to throw me a lifeline.
It is nice to know that I am not the only one flailing about not knowing if I am coming or going. But i know with every new manipulation tactic, I am learning how to detach with the help of people here that understand why it is so hard to let go of these insensitive monsters.
It's learning to not be their victim anymore and be that strong person they latched onto years ago.
You may want to bury your head in the sand, but when you come up for air the monster will still be there.
Actually, I have a tummy ache, and it's not wise to lay down to sleep when I feel like this.