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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((frank)) Keep moving forward. It's okay to want to stop because it all seems too hard but when you start feeling snarky (good sign, anger is so much better than depression) keep the momentum going.

Every day make a conscious decision to heal. What you are going through may be some kind of PTSD. I'm sure most of us having had to cope with a NPD spouse has it to different degrees.

Meditation will reduce your stress levels. Prayer, chanting, going for long healing walks, reading about spirituality, spending time with good friends, starting a project ...

I'm sounding 'gung-ho' because I'm SICK and TIRED of wasting precious hours re-hashing my crazy life with XNPDWH. I've given myself until the first anniversary of DDay to recover my grief.

To do that I'm reading everything I can on NPD. I've even got over my repulsion and watching Dr Sam's video's.

I received an email from POS X that started with a poem. "You can't force someone to love you so stalk them until they give in"

I finally blocked his emails.

I am so LUCKY I don't have children with the POS and I feel so much for those that have to be in contact with their X's. But the advice given here re: the less contact the better is gold.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, September 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sad, the NPD traits are on page one of this thread along with some information about being verbally abused. Both are good reads and eye openers. A book that really opened my eyes to the fact that my stbx was NPD was Narcissitic Lovers. I was reading it while I lay in bed and kept saying "yes, that's him, yes, yes yes. I was so weird to read all that stuff because my stbx has so many of the NPD traits.

Hope you find the information helpful.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, September 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really should write a list of the NPD traits my XNPSWH showed before I fell in love with him.

I'll have that list with me if I decide to ever date again!

Haughty arrogant body language.

I had to really think about this one. Then I remembered an email from him in our courtship days when he said some people describe him as having an aloof, arrogant way of holding his head and an intense stare.

BINGO

Too good to be true romancing you off your feet - in the beginning.

Oh he sent me the most romantic emails and letters. I was his "soulmate". He had never been with anyone as beautiful as me blah blah blah. The sex was hot and intense. He asked me to marry him 3 weeks after we met.

He moved in with me a month after we met.

Then the romance vanished once he had me hooked.

An NPD blames everyone else for the things that have gone wrong in their lives.

Yep. He was unemployed and depressed when I met him. It was his first wifes fault, his jobs fault, his family's fault. I was sucked in because he was a volunteer rescue service member who had suffered PTSD. I felt sorry for him.

They should teach these things in schools!


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, September 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The paperwork is something he has to fill out on his own. We each have to fill them out separately. No getting around that one.

Either the therapist gives him the paperwork herself OR do what I do - I scan the documents, then send an email with the scanned copies attached saying when they are "due".

That's it - he does them, or he doesn't. I have done my duty, with no interaction besides a one-sentence email.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 729 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
Jpapageorge
♂ Member
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, September 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just agreeing with Sovery's book reccomendation, Narcissistic Lovers. I have never cursed outloud while reading a book but this one made me say Holy F---, Holy Sh-- and Oh M F----ing Gawd so many times I was very glad I live alone. Most of the information I found elsewhere (outside of this forum) was clinical and vague. This book puts the information out with terms and examples we can all, unfortunately, understand and with which we can identify.

I found it on Amazon along with The Commanders Palace cookbook so my eyes were opened at the same time I found some great new recipies.(slightly off-topic, sorry)


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.
Me: FBBF

Posts: 1656 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, September 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The paperwork is something he has to fill out on his own. We each have to fill them out separately. No getting around that one.
Either the therapist gives him the paperwork herself OR do what I do - I scan the documents, then send an email with the scanned copies attached saying when they are "due".

That's it - he does them, or he doesn't. I have done my duty, with no interaction besides a one-sentence email.

What he had to fill out was something that is in duplicate, so I had to give it to him. I'm learning really quick how to completely ignore him at the therapist. I managed to get him to sit across the room this time, *I* sat next to our dd and the session went much smoother.

On a side note, had a really, really bad couple of days with asshat.

1. Doesn't tell me the ds had digestive trouble all weekend. So, he is dropping them off and dd asks what's for dinner, I say, "Nachos!"...asshat hears this and leaves. So, ds doesn't want dinner, asking for toast, and (not knowing he was sick), asked him to eat a few bites of dinner, then I give him his medication. Well, he spends the next hour trying not to throw up, asking me to hold him...so I call WS and tell him that I need to go to work the next day, be prepared that he might need to watch the kids. First he says, "Oh, yeah...he's had diarrhea all weekend!" Oh, gee...thanks for letting me know. So then I tell him he needs to watch him so I can go to my FIRST day of work in almost 9 years. Of course, he says his job in more important, and about that time ds says he's going to throw up. So I tell WS that I need to go, he just has to come watch ds (In 8 years, he's never missed a day of work because of the children, I was a SAHM) ...so as I'm trying to take care of ds...asshat proceeds to "hammercall" me. As in, calling over and over and over. I just let it ring for probably 10 min as I'm taking care of poor ds. I finally pick up, and he starts telling me how it's all my fault since I moved too far away. So, I hang up again. I DO NOT ENGAGE. Then the hammer calling starts again. I take the phone off the hook, send him a text that I'd let him know in the am how ds is doing.

2. So, next morning, realize ds is having problems with his antibiotic, he's not sick, call the doc and get his meds switched...and sent him to school. Because I had to be at work, and sitter was not available to pick the kids up off of the school bus, I had already arranged for asshat to pick up the kids and watch them at my house for 1.5 hours. (He lives about 1.5 hours away)

*disclaimer* I KNOW this is a bad idea, but I had no choice. I had to go to work, no family around, sitter wasn't available, I'm new to the area and don't know anyone to trust yet.

So I 1) hide my keyboard so he can't get into my computer 2) hide anything I think he might snoop around in like bills, ect 3) leave detailed notes about homework and snacks.

All he needed to do was to get the kids off of the bus, give them snacks and do homework until the sitter gets here...and then bring dd to therapy appt (where I was meeting them).

As I pull up to the therapist appt, the babysitter texts me asking where something is for "Neighborhood kid". I ask, "What is "Kid" doing at my house?". Babysitter said, "Oh, asshat invited a bunch of kids over to play!" These are children that I do NOT know. These are parents I do NOT know, only spoken to briefly at the bus stop. I've never been to their house, they've never been into mine.


I am SEETHING. This asshole goes to the bus stop for the first time EVER, invites complete STRANGERS over to ***MY*** house without asking me. THEN dumps one of the kids on the babysitter when he leaves for the therapists appt.

I am still

My Mom says he was "marking his territory" trying to look like the "cool involved Dad".

I was so angry that I couldn't sleep last night so I got up and wrote a very nasty email. I basically told him that if he EVER tried to pull a stunt like that again, he would NEVER be allowed into ***MY*** house again. NEVER. I did not call him a name. I did not belittle him. I also asked him where the key was that I had left outside for them to get in...and if he didn't return it to me within 48 hours I was having all the locks changed.

The only response I got back was, "Key is on the counter under paper."

Of course, no apology. But, I think he got the message.

What possess these people?? Where the freak does this man think this was a good idea? Hmmmmm????

So, I see the mom of "kid" this morning at the bus stop and she says, "so, we had a playdate at your house yesterday". I said, "Yes, I heard." She can tell I'm not happy, so I told her, "That is MY house. MINE. He did not have permission to invite children over that I really don't know when I'm not there". She said, "Oh, sorry. I guess I didn't think about it". I told her it was fine, he was out of line and left it alone.

UUUGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRhatethatman.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, September 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought my life was going to settle down and I could move on with my life because I HAD ESCAPED CRAZY.

Now my oldest is involved with someone who is even worse than my ex.

She is making everyone around her crazy with her acting out, pathological lies and insanity. My son is so sucked in and is right there with her. He is believing every word of it.

I have been taking a hard line with him hoping I can knock some sense into him and save him from himself. Sadly it is not working and I my only options left are to let him do whatever and hope he eventually comes around before she has destroyed too much of his life.

Is it possible for a child of someone with NPD to be drawn to someone who is like that?

It totally breaks my heart to watch it. I just know I can't handle the toxic behaviours. Every second I am around her I want to run. Those around her who actually see through her lies etc. think she is just a poor, sad, damaged girl. But I see her as an evil destructive bitch.

I swear watching this is worse than living it with my ex. Almost like the PTSD is back.

How do I get through this?

[This message edited by lied2 at 4:29 PM, September 14th (Wednesday)]


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lied2))) so sorry.

I only know how difficult my situation has been for my Mom. She has been nothing but supportive and has allowed me to vent since DDay 18 mos ago and thru my dicovery that my H is NPD.

It pains her, and I'm so sorry for that. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I had some good advice for you.

Maybe share some stories you know about to show him what life will become if he stays in the relationship. We only live once right?


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well last night was just great. HUGE fight over me mentioning his EA. I said that him not being honest about what the EA meant to him was really bothering me. He went instantly insane. Screaming, name calling, etc. Then he said two things that made me think he's still talking to her, things that either I or she would have to have told him, and I know damn sure I didn't.

So I start crying that he's still talking to her, and he starts laughing at me while saying in a taunting scream "You're still talking to her! You're still talking to her!"

I heard that I should kill myself, no one would miss me, no one is better off because they know me, he wants to smash my head through the tub, the wall, etc. He pushed me against the wall holding a HUGE knife and just stared at me. He also said he wants to kill me and then kill himself because he's "earned the right" to watch me bleed out, but he knows he'd be suspect number one so he'd off himself after. The things he said and did were off the charts. There was absolutely no calming him down either.

This morning he came up from the basement where he slept just to say again "You're still talking to her" and tell me I'm pathetic and he hates me. I also found two notes, one saying "You are a total joke!" and the other simply "I HATE YOU"

He said he apologized to her via FB days after I found out because he needed to distance himself from my 'crazy ass' calling and screaming at people. He didn't know I called her when I found the texts. I never told him, so she must have, right? Of course he says that isn't what he said once I called him on it. Whatever.

I'm just so angry and really hurt right now. I know I shouldn't be but I am.I can't believe all of this came from me saying that his not being honest was really bothering me. I swear, that's all I said.

I know he's lying and I know he's in complete NPD mode, but I'm just so upset right now.

Any thoughts on how to toughen up in the short run?


EDIT: of course he packed half of his things last night at 2:30 in the morning while screaming at me, blaming me for this huge fight because I dared mention the EA. He says he'll be gone when I get home, but I know he won't be. I also know he'll start in right where he left off.

I'm so miserable.

[This message edited by neverbelieve at 10:45 AM, September 14th (Wednesday)]


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He pushed me against the wall holding a HUGE knife and just stared at me. He also said he wants to kill me and then kill himself because he's "earned the right" to watch me bleed out,

Why on earth are you still there???? Do you think this is just him having a tantrum???? The only thing left for him to escalate to is "actually stabbing you"!!!! What is it going to take??? If you can't leave, then get a damn VAR and record these threats and go to the police and get RO!!! How long do you think it will take him to realize that your weakness is your children??? How long do you think it will take him to try to control you through threats on the children??? I don't want to 2x4 but you need to wake up. If you don't think he is capable of stabbing....let me send you pictures of the scars I have!!! If you think it is a bluff.....you are in for a rude awakening. If you think he is done escalating....you are making a risky assumption.

Itold you in the beginning to run....and now you are being threatened with your life!!!

Enough said....

You are still hoping to have a relationship with him!!! Why would you care that he is not being honest at this point??? That would be the least of your worries if you were just biding time and trying to leave at the "right time". Stop making excuses and get yourself and your children out of this very threatening situation or get him out. It is time for action....do something....anything....to make things safe for you and the kids. Stop wishing he wasn't NPD....he is...and you are not going to change that!!! No matter how much you wish, hope, and pray. It will not change and it will not get better....PERIOD!!!


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Frank. I need a good wake up call.

He keeps saying he'll leave, and then he doesn't and he'll do things that make me wonder if he really is NPD or if he just has some kind of explosive anger disorder. I really think he's using me for money. Last night when I said the only reason he didn't leave to be with her was that neither of them wanted to get a job. I got a blank stare. Usually that means I've hit on the truth.

It just hurts. Logically I can know with 100% certainty that this thing needs to end. But just like everyone here that can't decide whether or not to stay or leave, my heart is screaming something else.

I know it's time to end it. I do. It's just hard.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((neverbelieve)))))

So what's it going to take for you to leave??

My STBX is simply emotionally abusive, he has never physically threatened me. He pushed me one time after D-Day, but that was it.

You.Have.To.Leave. before the abuse escalates.

Like, yesterday. YOU should not be there when he gets home.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I need to leave. Unfortunately, once I leave he'll have to leave, so I'll have to go back. Basically, I need to move out for him to move out so I can move back in until the lease ends.

He either has another phone or he hasn't made one call today to get his affairs in order and get out. I'm guessing he isn't going to be gone when I get home like he said, so I'll have to go to a hotel for the night.

This is just fantastic.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((neverbelieve))) I know it's hard because it's like the frog in boiling water syndrome. If you save these posts and vow to read them after a year of being away from him, you'll be shocked at yourself for putting up with this, or thinking it's normal and he's just angry, and that's what normal angry people do. Mine was verbally and emotionally abusive for 15 years of our relationship; he slid into physical abuse in year 16, and was intermittently physically abusive for 4 more years (like once or twice a year, but he ramped up the emotional abuse to near constant). It took him dragging me off the sofa by my feet so my butt hit the floor (causing soft-tissue damage), then picking me up by my ankles with one hand and spanking me 3 times to realize 1. just how physically strong he was and how much he could hurt me and 2. that he wasn't even in a full rage. He didn't leave until the next day.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

veritas your post made me cry. That wasn't just abusive, it was designed to humiliate. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Unfortunately I see myself heading down this same path. I just want so badly for him to be gone when I get home.

Thank you so much for sharing that. You have no idea how eye opening it it.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got the following texts:

"I fucking hate you"

"I fucking hope you die"

(my response)"I'm sitting at my desk crying and I have to get this from you?"

him "die u worthless c***"

"I really can't help how much I hate you. U just oughta die".

I asked him to leave me alone. They just keep coming


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sitting at my desk crying and I have to get this from you?"

Best response is nothing. Now that he knows he got a response out of you, he will keep doing it. Either share the burden with someone, or better yet, share them with the local PD along with the knife from last night. Have an RO waiting for him when he gets home.

If you're serious about wanting him gone, this is what you should do. If you want another night of craziness, do nothing. He'll be back with fresh ammo.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is home now. I'm at work. I'm not waiting for him to show up.

I need to find a place to stay tonight.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have any family?? A friend?? You need to go somewhere...keep posting!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((never)))

please get out. buy what you need for the night and don't go home. NC. contact anyone in your support system that you can.

I'm so sorry for what you're going thru.

Don't wait for this to get worse.

(((never)))


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
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