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User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK...so I'm analyzing every conversation now. Here's today and kid pick up...he probably wasn't here 10 mintues:

The kids picked out their clothes for the weekend. I gather up all the loose ends and put everything on a table at the front door. That way he can see what has been picked and can pack it. If there is anything I don't know about (like swimming) he can pack it himself.

I also place 3 piles of papers. 1 of kids school work, 1 of paperwork for him to finish filling out for school, 1 of medical receipts and Dr's kid things he needs to review. Everything is neatly organized and clipped together.


So, he's packing everything and I hear:

"Did you let the kids pick their clothes?"

Me: Yes.

Asshat: "You CAN'T do that. There is no underwear. Also, "Little C" only picked dresses to wear".

Me: yes, there is underwear and I allowed her to pick what she wanted.

AH: There is NO underwear!

Me: I put it in there myself.

pause....pause....

AH: Oh, I see the underwear. (Note: No apology! He accuses me without even looking through the clothes first.)


5 min later they are preparing to leave and I told him to make sure that he fills out his ADD questionnaire for DD.

AH: There was no questionnaire here.

Me: Yes there was, I left it in the "Dr's stack"...(and I'm walking away into another room to avoid him)

AH: There is no Dr's paperwork here! (Getting louder)

Me: yes, there is. It is on top of the stack with all of the Dr's receipts, clipped together.

AH: No there is not! I don't see any questionnaire!

So...I walk into the room where he is packing and I see him look at the bottom of the bag *HE* packed. I *see* him find the questionnaire.

AH: Oh.

(Again, never apologizes for accusing me, never says, "oops, didn't realize I'd packed it already....nothing".)

So....by now I'm PO'd and I look at him and say, "So, how many times did you accuse me of not giving you the paperwork?"

AH: Silence.

Me: Oh...yeah....THREE times. One of these days maybe you'll hear how you treat me. (I said this in a very calm manner)

AH: Silence, just looks out the door like I'm not even worth the shit on his shoe.

I walk away back into the other room. Kids come downstairs, I hug them and they leave.

I don't know what else to do. I have everything ready for him when he walks in the door to minimalize his time here. I organize everything so he can find it. He still blames me for everything!

I didn't get upset, I didn't yell when he started accusing me. I was calm and just repeated things back to him.

Any other ideas on how to handle these people???


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No idea cmego .... I've been doing the same thing but my assclown has now started to use his manipulation and bullying with the kids to get reactions out of them IN FRONT of me so that I react.

I've been doing very good. No eye contact (or as little as possible), no emotion, calm, cool and calculated response. When he tries to pick fights I just turn his words around and throw them back calmly.

Today I was so angry, sad, frustrated and feeling so powerless he actually made me cry ..... after he made the oldest DD14 cry.

So the story : assclown was going to pick up DD5 and DD7 for their dentist apptmnts. Called and asked what DD14 was doing

assclown : "Am I picking up DD14 on the way to their appointment?"

me: "No, she can do her homework while they are at their appointment and you can pick her up on the way back through."

assclown: "Ok I'll text you before we leave"

me: "k thanks" *click*

Now that was pretty much monotone. I know he's getting frustrated because he throws in little ribs whenever possible. I just don't react anymore. I try to shut off everything when I'm in contact with him.

So DD14 and I wander outside to wait (with cell in pocket). And he pulls in like 20 seconds later (no call btw). Pulls up and asks DD14 to take her sisters school bags into the house. (I go with her because the door is locked.) Come back out and she gets into the front while DD7 jumps out to give me a hug and tell me about her dentist visit. Np so far I tell her to get back in and put her seat belt on as I walk around the back to see DD5 on the other side.... and I hear him mutter something in a low voice.

I get to the other side and DD14 has just burst out bawling. I talk to DD5 while I listen to DD14 repeat over and over "I don't want to go now I want to stay home" all while she is crying.

I go back around and ask her what's wrong.

"I can't talk about it."

*WARNING SIRENS START UP*

me: "Why? What's wrong why are yo crying?"

her: "I'm not suppose to talk about it"

me: "What's wrong"

and she spills that her father has just told her (in that low, menacing tone of voice) that "We have to have a talk when we get to the house"

I look at him and ask "What did she do now?? She's been fine since she's been home"

he then proceeds to tell me that he's concerned because he doesn't want "Her" near his kids.

(Her being the girl he was cheating on the OW he cheated on me with) and for the last two months we've become friends. We rarely talk about him and frankly she's helped me out more than he has in the last 5 years.

Every reason he's thrown at me I've thrown right back out the window.

assclown: "She's a liar and a "stalker.

me: "Like you lied for the last 15 years? Or maybe like I was obsessed and stalked you for 2 years trying to figure out why you did what you did to me? By those standards neither of us should be near the kids either" (monotone voice and MAN you do not know HOW hard it is to not use a condescending voice)

assclown: "Well I'm in therapy and I'm trying to change and better myself. I'm trying to earn back the trust."

me: "That's nice but doesn't mean anything to me sorry. Actions speak louder than words and so far your actions aren't really speaking to me"

assclown: "I just think that having the woman that I made a mistake with watch MY girls is psycho"

me: "Did you just call me psycho? Really? You mean how I HAD to let the woman you made the mistake with ME is watching MY girls? Again I don't see the difference"

Everytime turn it around and throw it back in a monotone voice. He's FRUSTRATED beyond belief. So now he's resorted to bullying my girls. He's resorted to using scare tactics, manipulation and bullying to get THEM to react because he KNOWS I will react.

What mother wouldn't when they see their children scared ???


GAHHHHH I don't know what to do. If i could run right now and never seem him again I would run to another country and change our entire lives just to get away from him.

What do I do now? I'm so damn angry and scared for my kids.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
hopefulmom
♀ Member
Member # 23556
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD?

So I am standing at the front gate of DS's football game and a little before halftime XWH shows up. His comment to the woman I was standing with (she doesn't know him): "She (meaning me) was probably thinking I wasn't going to come"

Now the last time we have had contact was at the last football season last October and the last time he has spoken to his kids???? Your guess is as good as mine. The man doesn't even help his kids financially let alone interact with them.

Why oh why would I be wondering what he was doing? I was there to see my son play football. Did XWH ask about the kids with whom he has no contact? Did he ask if DS was playing?

I'm afraid you all know that answer.


me-44
WH-45
married 22 years
Dday 10/08
Divorced!

Posts: 257 | Registered: Apr 2009
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read in one of my books is the best thing to do is to 1) laugh at them or 2) to answer with "What?".

I'm going to try both tactics next time and see how it works.

By asking "What?" , it makes them repeat the words and sometimes have to think about what they are saying.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else find that they struggle with what used to be everyday nuisances that now seem like the world is collapsing on you???

Yep, this. (((Frank))) and hugs to everyone experiencing this.

I don't know if it's age/stage of life related or mostly the fallout from too many years of NPD exposure but I feel I USED to be much more resilient. I MISS that about myself and hope that ability to bounce back easily returns!


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few suggestions. The goal is to get as little interaction with the NPD as possible. This is for YOU. If there are papers that must be exchanged, scan and email, or put in an envelope and mail them. If there is information that must be filled out, don't ask him to do it. You do it. If you don't know then put unknown. Try to consider the NPD your deceased spouse. Don't share responsibilities with him. Asking him to do something gives him the opportunity to fuck with you. You will get the paperwork back and it will be incomplete or wrong and you'll be forced to engage again!!

As for clothing, stop sending clothes. Dad can get a few outfits to keep at his house. And he can launder them before next visit. A toothbrush and other necessities. No bag needed. Sharing homework is fine IF you don't need it returned. But if he isn't asking for it or pitching a fit, stop assuming he wants to see it. You can't make him engaged or care. And sending the things you would send to a normal co-parent isn't going to make him feel bad for what he isn't doing. It is only going to make you feel bad. Again, try to consider that your spouse died. It is the easiest way to learn how to function.

As for the momma bear defense of the kids. STOP. Please. Ignore, poker face, no please or thank you. AND certainly no heated defense of your kids. Think this out. The NPD wants a reaction from you. That reaction is the gold that feeds his need. The greater your response the more pleased he is. So whatever he does that gets the greatest response is the behavior you will see repeated. REREAD that. You are training him how to act. By giving him an emotional response you are guaranteeing that you will see that behavior again. If you react to him mistreating the kids, you are unwittingly setting the kids up as targets.

Teach the kids coping strategies. Get them in counseling with someone who understands disorders. The kids need to know that you can't rescue them from this treatment, but that you survived it and they will too.

I tell my boys over and over that they are to be there for each other. That they are each others support system. As hard as it is, the further away I remove myself, the more EVEN the actions and transitions are. I stay inside, the kids go to the car, and the whole thing takes less than a minute. No communication needed.

In my own situation laughing would invite rage, and "what?" would invite a comment about how stupid I am. NO engaging. No response. NADA. I don't even get into situations where there is the opportunity for this kind of interaction.

[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 10:11 AM, September 10th (Saturday)]


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem with the Doc is DD suffers from OCD. We BOTH have to meet with the therapist. It is torture for me, I can't stand having to be forced to be around him, but the therapist says it's best for DD for us to be there.

The paperwork is something he has to fill out on his own. We each have to fill them out separately. No getting around that one.

I think I will tell him to buy his own clothes, I'm tired of having to do the packing and unpacking. He does return the clothes clean, but still annoying.

For some reason, I still want him to acknowledge all of the work I do for the kids. Not sure why...old habits die hard?? I'm tired of the way he's treated me the entire marriage. I'm furious he lied to me for the entire marriage. I'm frustrated that he tells everyone he is "fine".

I have 180 firmly in place. I rarely slip. I just need to figure out why I can't seem to let this last thread go...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The paperwork is something he has to fill out on his own. We each have to fill them out separately. No getting around that one.

Then the OCD therapist should give them to him and she should chase him to get them back. As a therapist, she should totally get that as the victim of HIS abuse, she needs to respect your needs for boundaries with him. Would she ask you to be in the same room with him if he'd put you in the hospital with broken bones? Just because the wounds aren't visible doesn't change that they are there.

Unfortunately, with kids we can't walk away from the NPD. So we must come up with ways to protect ourselves and insulate ourselves and our emotions.


For some reason, I still want him to acknowledge all of the work I do for the kids.

((((cmego))))

You do a great job with the kids. You are an awesome mom!!! Being a single parent is hard, but you are doing it!!

Please, stop needing this from him. He isn't going to be able to fill your emotional needs. Find other avenues. Here, family, friends, a support group IRL.

If you think of him as a mirror, consider that the mirror is broken. A fun house mirror. Looking in that mirror makes you feel bad about yourself! That mirror is incapable of reflecting a positive self image back to you, even if that is what you are.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have virutally no contact with my x, and it works out well. he is on the email list for schools and never goes to their functions anyway.

when I used to go outside when he picked up the kids, he would stand over me with a threatening posture and glare at me. (I'm 5'4",he's 6'2".)

I never send homework with the kids because he would never do it. and the one time older daughter brought her math homework and asked him for help, he asked her if she was retarded. (she's in the gifted class.)

I no longer send clothes because he would keep the nice ones and send them back in ratty old sweats and once actually sent little one back with no winter coat. (it was 40 degress and he "forgot" it.)

I make sure older one has her medication as he refused to stop and pick up an inhaler once. (it wasn't ready yet when I tried to pick it up from the pharmacy.) and then he told her asthma was just a plot by big pharmaceutical companies to sell meds and enrich themselves.

you simply can't win with these people, and you must avoid contact at all costs.

[This message edited by whyohwhyohwhy at 10:42 AM, September 10th (Saturday)]


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I'm also dealing with "Disney Dad". WS's whole thing was reflecting a perfect image. When I saw through what was being shown to me, that's when the abuse starts.

He's one of the NPD's that is highly gregarious and successful. Walks into a room and is the instant life of the party. People describe him as "charming".

So when I point out the "crack" (ie...you told me three times that the paperwork wasn't in there, and it was there the entire time) is when he gets nasty. So therefore, it's my fault because I point out the "crack".

He shows up to EVERY school function and acts like he knows everyone (he's never spoken to any of them, I found the school, interviewed the staff, bought the house in the school district). He shows up the Dr's appointments only to make sure that he's viewed in a good light. He shows up to no routine appointments, no pulmonology, allergy, ENT, or well child, run of the mill sick appointments. Therefore he only shows up to the therapy appts. The OCD therapist said she did not care about what happened in our marriage...this is about DD. So, I suck it up. She doesn't know what happened in our marriage.

The weekends he has the kids, it's always WAY over the top...last weekend he took them to Great Wolf Lodge. This time they are going to an amusement park, and out to a fancy dinner. My DD just called me and told me that WS had feathers put into her hair (something that I already told him the school doesn't allow. So, I'll be the "bad" parent when she has to take them out).

He puts on the "happy face" all the time. The "happy face" is what had me snowed for so long. Underneath the "happy face" is a horrible broken person. I was one of the few people that saw the horrible version. I used to describe him as a monster with a bow on top. A wolf in sheep's clothing. He acts so nice to my face (still), but in the "conversations" we have, I can now spot the subtle control and belittling with EVERY interaction we have. He was a MASTER at living two completely separate lives. With me he was the husband, father, big house, great job, country club, SAHM, "life". He left for travel (work related...then started a consulting business...more opportunity to leave home) and took his wedding ring off, picked up gay men and led a gay lifestyle. He came back home, and slipped right back into his "str8" mode. It's really creepy when you stop to think about it. Split personalities. Ted Bundy.

I get that the "happy face" is what enabled him to survive his childhood. His mother was very emotionally abusive and I'm guessing sexual abuse too. As long as the happy face is firmly in place, he thinks his world is fine.

And to the outside world, he seems perfect.


So, I STILL struggle with the "happy face" because it seems so normal. He always greats me with this big "Hello!" and huge smile (all for the kids is my guess). I return with no eye contact, look down, flee the room.

So who looks bad? The smiling fun one, or the one who is running out of the room???

He even said to me a few weeks ago..."You haven't spoken to me in WEEKS!". Uh...hunh....on purpose.

So I need to go to therapy to figure out how to detach from this game in my head. This was always the game. Something VERY wrong in the marriage, I'd try to talk to him about it...he would tell me that everything is great and fine, it was all my issue. He'd act "fine". And it would nag me. He would be sooooo nice to everyone, and act like I was invisible. He'd do these wonderfully nice things for other people, and nothing for me. So I would point it out, and he would tell me that I was too sensitive, everything is "fine". When everything was SO NOT FINE. It was a fun house, everything was fine on the surface, and really distorted on the inside.

My head is spinning trying to rebalance. How to be detached enough that the games simply don't bother me any longer. NC and 180 have been wonderful. WONDERFUL!

I think I'm just insecure with the kids. I am terrified that one day they will want to live with him, the fun non-parent.

Venty, venty, vent, vent, vent! But I feel like I'm peeling back these layers. Slowly getting used to forgiving myself for staying in that marriage for way too long. Forgiving myself for not knowing he was gay. Forgiving myself for not being able to make the marriage work, and ending up with my nightmare...children I don't get to have all the time, back to work, single struggling mom. I need to work on forgiving myself for not knowing I was living in a fun house. For believing the "happy face".

Thank God for SI Therapy.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TO caregiver and why .... thank you so much for explaining it the way you did. Seeing it in that light makes MUCH more sense. My friend just about told me the same thing last night as well. Here I am thinking that I am trying to protect my kids and if I DON'T do anything they'll think I'm not going to do anything .... but that's with normal people that have feelings.

Teaching my kids coping skills will be the difficult one. We'll have to have sit down family meetings a few times a week to discuss things that they can do when situations pop up.

As for me, I'll have to sit down and make a list up of things that I can do to make this easier on myself. Like a "to do" and "not to do" that involves him.

I saw some pretty good ones here already as far as school functions and stuff goes. We are both on the mailing list so we both get the same thing. Concerts and other functions will be up to the kids to tel their father it's not my responsibility and he never goes anyway.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is a lot of similarity in our stories, cmego.

I think the "Disney Dad" routine is complicated. Is it to "buy" the affection of the kids? A way to fulfill their own childish desires? Ohhh, look at me I am FUN!! Rubbing it in because I can't do it??

Stretch's reaction to everything the boys say is to laugh. If it is something that worries them, he laughs. Something they saw on tv, he laughs. So I get the "happy" face.

I also get the "he's so charming, and likable and friendly, and involved!" The implication being that I must be crazy, bitter, confused because of my reaction to him. Stop putting yourself in situations where you flee the room. Stop trying to point out his "crack" because he will bury the cracked behavior even more deeply and relish the opportunity to say, "see how crazy cmego is to accuse me?" big innocent wide eyed injured face....

Collect a few very loyal close friends and let the rest of the world go. You can't explain or prove crazy to the masses. Most people will nod and assume you have lost your marbles. It is why HERE, this thread, is my safe place. The default reaction is not that I MUST BE THE CRAZY ONE. Here, this small world within the SI world.

As for the feathers in the hair. Tell DD that she chose to get the feathers and she can chose to break the rules and accept the consequences. You don't have to enforce the rules he breaks. She will go to school and "get in trouble" and the school will insist she remove them. She may come home upset. You tell her that she knows the rules and if she allows daddy to get her in trouble then she has to accept the consequences.

My boys come home full of CRAP and puke from too much sugar and soda. Or sun poisoned. Over tired. We have conversations about making better choices. I do throw away the candy. I do express displeasure to them about the lack of care they are being given and have asked them to accept more "responsibility" than I think they should have to. But I can't be there to sunscreen them. Somethings I am learning to just accept...

I think I'm just insecure with the kids. I am terrified that one day they will want to live with him, the fun non-parent.

And if this happens you just stand your ground as the parent who knows what is best for the kids. It isn't eating candy for every meal, underage drinking, drugs, and no bedtime either. As the parent you get to make unpopular choices for your kids. But please be reassured that my boys (7 and 10) enjoy their dad, but they already know not to rely on him. They want to spend GREAT WEEKEND FUN time with him but they know to come home is a luxury too. Safe, stable, secure.

I went from SAHM full time parent to full time working single mom trying to believe I wasn't crazy exhausted and scared to death. NO financial support and a nasty court battle on all fronts. You CAN do it. You have to. So you will.

And I agree. Thank God for SI. And the (((tribe))).


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5310 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went from SAHM full time parent to full time working single mom trying to believe I wasn't crazy exhausted and scared to death. NO financial support and a nasty court battle on all fronts. You CAN do it. You have to. So you will.

^^^^^ditto. I avoided the court battle probably only because I had proof he had gay affairs. Very bad for his reputation.

My kids pediatrician, after hearing my story said, "It's a wonder you can get up and take a shower in the morning". I never though I had that option!?? I just get up and deal.


I think the "Disney Dad" routine is complicated. Is it to "buy" the affection of the kids? A way to fulfill their own childish desires? Ohhh, look at me I am FUN!! Rubbing it in because I can't do it??

Probably a little of all of this. His childhood sucked. SUCKED. Alcohol, abuse, no money. He likes to "buy" everyone. Always flashing around money like he's got a ton. In reality...I have most of it. Classic example: When I knew we were going to S, I asked him to go sell my nice car, and to trade in for a much less expensive car. One that I could easily afford on my own, and new so it wouldn't break down for awhile. My car payment dropped in 1/2. He drove home a new car a few days later
. His reasoning? Well, "You got a new car...so I got one too.". He failed to notice he bought a fully loaded v8, brand new car. I bought bottom of the line car. I found out in mediation discovery...his car payment went UP $100 per month, while I CUT mine by $250 per month.

He was taking bonus money and putting in his mother's bank account (yes...she knew...and used some of the money). That's how he wined and dined the affair partners. One he even took to Hawaii. WS was speaking at the conference, brought the boyfriend and paid his way. One he took on a weekend trip to NY, complete with champagne and a broadway show. I never went to either!

So the Disney Dad routine is just part of the sickness. He needs to impress people. He has to present this false facade to everyone. It's a way to get people to like him...he buys them.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mine just recently started doing the disney dad stuff when he has his new girlfriend with him.

in the past 2 months, he has taken them (with the new gf) to all sorts of restaurants, horseback riding etc. this is a man who would refuse to buy kids salad at mcdonald's because it was "too expensive". but when the gf is with them, they can order shrimp scampi if they want.... otherwise, it's yogurt and pretzels in front of the tv for 2 days.

he would never do anything like this when he had them by themselves. if anyone sees him with the kids, then he suddenly becomes father of the year. if no one is around, he reverts back to super asshole mode.


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mine, after a relatively LONG period of e-mail calm, decides he's going to Mind Fuck me, again.

My response back was a plain:
'Are you High?"
(ugh, creepy N F*cker!)


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanx for the support during my depression cycle. I think I am coming back out of it. I am feeling a little snarky and that is usually a good sign.

How was everyone's NPD weekend? Weekends always seem to be a little harder for those still connected to NPDs. I guess it offers more opportunity for contact and we all know that contact with NPD never has a happy ending.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that my ex (official in June) and I had gotten to a place where we could communicate like respectful individuals. Everything has been calm since about February. Yes, he's still been telling me ALL about his life, in endless details that I am NOT interested in while I stand there and nod and don't say anything. But I don't think he's ever going to stop that since he's looking for me to agree with him about how tough his life is, what a great father he is, how awful it was that so and so did something to him, etc. The usual NPD stuff.

But in February he started really working with me on the divorce. I knew he had an ulterior motive and I was right - he almost immediately got engaged to the OW. Whatever, it got me my divorce, so THANK YOU! I think the ulterior motive for the engagement is the fact that they have been planning on moving in with her grandmother to help out (second floor apartment) and that when grammy dies, they will take over the house. Now, seems to me, he'd want to make sure he'd be on that deed when it transfers, no? Maybe I've become too pessimistic, but that's immediately where my mind went.

But who cares? I couldn't care less. I'm divorced now, happily and quite enjoying my life these days. Things have been calm with him, I do as little contact as possible and we seem to be working well with the kids. He was out of work and I've been very VERY nice about the child support being less and less, knowing that he will eventually find work and not wanting to stress him out more.

So, last week, they moved into their new apartment. I wanted to just see it once, to have a visual of where my kids would be when they are not with me. He said that was fine initially. But when I dropped them off there the first time and thought I'd be getting the tour, he came to the car all blustery about how he had to balance "everyone's feelings" and how the OW was "very uncomfortable" with me being inside the apartment. Um... what?! Seriously? I looked at him like he was crazy and said "are you kidding me?!" I'm not the one who had an affair - THEY are the ones who cheated (him on me, her on her spouse and her stabbing me, her friend, in the back).

Already my children have asked me why I honk and text him when I am dropping off/picking up and don't go to the door. But he'd gotten more friendly about that over the summer so I thought he was beyond the need to keep me away from his place. The bottom line is my kids see this behavior and they ask about it. He's able to come inside our house and see their rooms, but it doesn't go both ways. I'm not going to support him treating me like a second class citizen. Am I over-reacting?

I told him fine, if she's so uncomfortable about me being at your home, then I won't come to your home. You can do all transportation to and from, or we'll arrange a place in between to do pick up/drop off.

He came to pick them up for the weekend and told me that I had to pick them up at his house Monday morning and I said I would not do that. So, make a plan for me for where we're meeting to transfer the kids or you can't take them. He BLEW UP of course. But I told him I'd call the police if he didn't leave. He says I can't keep him from his kids. I have zero intention of keeping him from his kids. But I need to know the plan for transferring them back on Monday. He texted on Saturday saying where we could meet and I said fine. But this is really ludicrous. Why would he go there again? I mean, we were beyond this.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thx to cmego and caregiver for all the insight. It's helpful for me still M to my H. I started the ball rolling on D paperwork but haven't continued yet with lawyer retainer or setting up mediator appt yet.

(((Frank)))- glad you are feeling better, yes the weekend is always harder for me. I just got a week or so of 'kill her with kindness' until I said I still wanted D on Friday then Sat was a shitstorm of abusive comments and negativity. Now he's trying to convince me to stick around just a little longer. Begging for another chance, wanting to be together for holidays and wanting to go with in-laws to Disney.

I'm thinking maybe I will hold off a little longer, for my kids. Enjoy holidays, Disney, and then by the time we sell the house, the school year will be over and I won't have to uproot my elementary schooler in the middle of the year.

I'm at war with myself on this, these are some of the reasons I haven't pushed forward yet on D. I haven't agreed to anything at this point. I've just said simply, I'm done and proceeded to sleep elsewhere in the house and avoid H where I can.

Seeing IC weekly too, that is certainly helpful, provides support, validation, insight and keeps me grounded.

This is such an impossible decision cause of my kids. I'm going a little nuts


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone, just checking in to see if everyone is surviving the NPD bull crude. Frank, Sorry that you have been feeling down but I totally understand how the little things can get to you. I think they have weakened us so much that we just have a hard time but need to give ourselves a break. We dealt with years of the negativity, lying, pretending and then they turned on us.

I seem to breakdown when I talk to my daughter about how I am feeling. I just saddens me that I have to depend on my child to help me get to doctor's appointments, food, and sometimes just help getting out of the house. It always takes me to the sadness that it should have been him for the past 9 months helping me and going to the doctors and all that.

I have been taking the time to review my marriage and now that I am out I see so many things that were red flags. I am so thankful that I do not have children with him although the ones he had he left when they were babies and didn't see them until they were teenagers. He just cut them out of his life and he has done the same with me and our grandchild. People are expendable to him.

I so understand how you guys talk about being the "fun" guy and the Life of the Party. My stbx is so manipulative that he treats me like crap and then acts like Mr. Wonderful around other people and they don't understand why I won't hang out with him. They don't see what goes on behind closed doors. I have told him that if people knew the "real" him they wouldn't like him and he actually agreed with me. He has come home and told me that he has ripped on of his employees a new one, screaming and yelling and everyone in the office hears it. I told him there is no way I would ever work for him.

I am so sorry that we are all having to tolerate their bs and hope and pray that someday we are all strong enough to just smile at them and not engage.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
sad&scared
♀ Member
Member # 23401
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, September 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have just found this thread and am just shocked at the same behaviors from WH... I knew he was selfish, passive aggressive and even though I am slowly learning that it isn't me, it's him, many of these posts just hit so close to home... I haven't found the post about NPD traits, like lots of caulk guns...but WH wouldn't throw things away and we have cases of caulk... too funny and yet sad.... this forum is really going to help me move on I think...lots and lots to read.


"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."


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