I am not sure exactly what you were asking in your previous post. If you are looking for some suggestions regarding your future, I think you would need to get an IC. You have been in a long term marriage. This has become your normal for so long, it will be difficult to sort it out. Having regular input from a professional would be very helpful.
Are you asking if you should leave him and file for divorce? Only you can answer that. But after my experiences, 33 yr marriage with NPD with some sociopath tendency thrown in for good measure, I would think that is the only solution. If you want to have a decent life for yourself in the future. And coming to a decision, let alone dealing with the aftermath will be rough.
SI has been a lifesaver for me, as well as the support of so many IRL friends. And weekly IC. I am coming up on 18 mos since D-day and 15 months since he filed for divorce. It does get better, the legal process drags on, still bad days but they are fewer and weaker.
SI can bring you lots of thoughts to ponder. And sometimes we are reluctant to offer suggestions if we aren't sure what the question is. Because lots of times we what we post is more of a vent than a request for specific feedback.
Wishing you peace as you sort through the remenants.
So now I understand what NPD is and what to expect and even how to talk to them, my problem is how do I get out from this grip? What do I do with this information and set myself free?
I think continuing to engage him with questions, and expecting any kind of change from pathological to normal, (iow different, or sane answers) is slowing your healing, causing more pain and confusion.
You've read 'the saying' around here, right?
NC = No new hurts.
I detached incrementally, over time.
Others detached suddenly.
My D is still ongoing, but I have had NC for...over a year I think, maybe longer (I purposefully do not remember dates).
The point is, I've never seen a healthy partner of an N. Unless you are resigned to perpetual doormat status, I think detachment is the only way to go.
The answer to 'how do you get out of the grip?' lies within you (you only).
Sometimes reversing a question helps, like; 'why can't I detach?'
Hope that helps some.
[This message edited by wontdefineme at 9:32 AM, December 29th (Thursday)]
When I read your post it sounded just like my life. I never knew there were so many people living my life everyday. I wanted my marriage, I wanted the security of what little I had, I wanted to be the loving wife no matter what, I wanted my family, I wanted to be like my father who was a rock and a blessing to me, but at the cost of my own peace.
I had to ask myself the hard questions and be honest with myself. I set a date and if he hadn't given me answers by then I had to be done.
- was he just going to ignore the A because he didn't feel like I deserved the answers or because he just could?
- were things getting better or just getting on because he couldn't care less about my healing?
- was it him being impatient or just a lack of empathy.
- were the fits of rage, temper tantrums from simple questions and making him accountable, verbal and emotional abuse worth another lifetime with him.
- he had done this twice, was I going to give him more time just for him to do this again when I was too old to get out.
- why did this other woman get the protection, the time, the commitment during the time I needed him the most, and why wouldn't he put me first?
There were so many questions that had came from a lifetime of settling that I now didn't want to deal with anymore.
I made myself accountable to myself. I told people, I told my family, I didn't keep his secret, I didn't wear his shame anymore, and I finally saw that I was saving him from his kids. Whenever they needed him and he didn't respond, I had to prod him to. I wasn't protecting them by letting them see him differently. I was trying to fix things. I am codependant, I am a fixer. I will not fix him, there is no demanding, no telling him, no waiting for change that will work. It's like a tug of war with an immovable object.
Take a good long honest look at your life and ask yourself why am I here. Your love won't change him, your love wont fix him, and it won't certainly get him to love you like you deserve to be loved. I remember all the times I lay in wished for a way out. I got it, not exactly what I wanted, but I got my way out.
And if you need a good hard honest kick in the pants, I watched Joyce Meyer almost everyday. Stop being his victim. Either love him and know exactly what he is, or get the hell out and find some peace. Its hard, but I justify my life as Gods will for his purpose and now he is giving us our way out.
Jer 29:11 "I know the plans ( have for you, "declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
Living with an NPD is like living with a time bomb, you never know when it will explode you just know that it will. The destruction it causes is massive if you are still around. The farther away from it you get the less damage it can do to you.
You walk on eggshells waiting for it to go off, you watch every word because you never know exactly which word will cause the explosion. You stop asking the important questions because those most definitely cause explosions.
You live with the rage and you lose a part of yourself and self esteem with each one. You beging to doubt yourself due to the slow deliberate spiteful comments of the NPD. He likes you to dress in a way you don't like but to keep peace with the time bomb you dress as he wishes. He doesn't like holidays because they don't focus on him so he makes them miserable for you and everyone in the family but to all others he is Mr. Christmas. You are proud of something that happens for you at work and he finds a way to make it seem trivial and boring. You want a pet, he refuses to allow you to have one. You want a new hair style but when you show it to him he comments "really? You want to look like THAT?" so you find one he likes and get that hair style.
Do you see the subtle ways of his controling you and keeping you as his supply? By the time he cheats you are so beaten down and feel so scared that you want to leave but can't, you are frozen with fear.
But suddenly something he does or says makes you stop and realize that you are worthy of a real love, you are a good person, a good mom and a good wife. You deserve better than a life with man who will continue to cheat and hurt you. You do not deserve his flippin rages and you decide you have had enough. So you make plans to leave, you get all your financials in order, you look for a place without him knowing and you begin the process of leaving someone who isn't worthy of you.
You will have hard days but you will also have something very special...PEACE! No one bitching at you. PEACE and a place of your own. It is freedome and you will learn to love it.
Once I was away from the noise of her drama...ooooooooooo how I relished the silence. I still do. I can drive for hours without the radio on and not even notice.
Detachment from toxicity is so healing.
That was a beautiful post, svb. Peace! I love it!
I too love to drive with the stereo OFF. I so love my peace and quiet.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
3 days was always my limit too. Day 1, Euphoria, hope, relief. Day 2, Radar, confusion, shit they say don't make sense. Sounds good for the imediate conversation but don't fit with other shit they said. Spend time sorting it out in your head. Day 3, Confrontation about the shit that don't make sense, Gaslighting, defensiveness, aggressiveness, roage or PA behavior. Day 4, anger and venom Day 5, Detaching and hurting, Day 6, Depression, Hopelessness, Day 7/1, Contact and crumbs....followed by hope and euphoria. Repeat days/steps 2-7 over and over and over and over and over, etc..... for a year+
Give Heart, Break Heart, Patch Heart, Give Heart Break Heart, Patch Heart....etc. You just have to break the cycle by stopping just one of these things.
Either you quit giving heart, he stops breaking heart, you stop patching heart.....Just break the cycle.
You are still my hero!!!
ETA: To All, This is why they call it a process of detaching.....if it were easy and fast they would call it the act of detaching.
[This message edited by Frank2010 at 1:24 AM, December 31st (Saturday)]
Status: S & D'ing
Went out tonight. I remember why I enjoyed being married and having the family life. Enjoy dancing but I don't want to be single. I think that's why we all take the crap. Its easier to keep the trash than having to find replacement.
Court is on Tuesday and I am so damn scared that I honestly do not know if I can go on anymore. I tried 3 times to get him to come to an agreement so as to avoid court but he refuses. I don't even know if my attorney will show up because I have run out of money and they say that I have to give them more before court. They know my situation, I am dead broke. I have been not eating or only eating yogurt because I have NO MONEY. I don't know what I am going to do, I have to have an attorney for Tuesday but there is no money for me to give them.
I honestly can't see a point in going on. I am sick, I am tired of this fight, I am broke and I have no one who gives two shits about me (cept my doggie and my grandbaby). My daughter wants to use my money that I get each month from SSDI to pay her rent and use me as an in house babysitter, she actually said that to me. I just feel so broken and alone. What the hell is the point in trying anymore?
I have always been healthy (have alwasy had migraines and a heart condition)I never let these things get to me. I have worked since I was 14 and a lot of times worked 2 jobs to make ends meet as a single mom. I finally found a man that I can honestly say I loved with all of my being and I was nothing to him. We planned to raise our grandchild when she was old enough to tell the courts she wanted to live with us. He blew up our entire lives for NOTHING! And now I feel like NOTHING! I am sick with so many things that I can't work even thought I desperately want too. I do not want to be a burden to anyone but I don't want to be used either. He was supposed to be there for me "in sickness and in health" and he dumped me "in sickness" even thought I married him with his disabilities. I can't stop crying and have been crying for two days because I don't see the point of my life anymore. What good am I as a grandmother if I am too sick to share my life with her and too sick to work so we can enjoy simple things like food? What good am I to anyone at this point? I am starting the downward spiral to my illness and know that if they don't do something in the next few weeks I will be back in the hospital again this year. I lost everything, my home, my life, the man I thought he was and I am just so tired of fighting with him for just some help to survive.
I know this sounds stupid cause I can't get my thoughts out right cause I am in so much pain. My heart is breaking that this year has gone by and he doesn't care about me. He doesn't love me or want me. He didn't even call his grandbaby at Christmas. She used to adore him but she hates him now for what he has done to our family. I don't want her to hate him. I want us to be a family again but it can't happen cause he doesn't love us. He does things like give me the money to buy a washer and dryer which I desparately needed but then says he doesn't have the money to help me each month? And now I can't fight to prove he does have the money because I can't pay my attorney so once again he wins and I lose everything.
OH God, what is the point in trying to keep on going? My heart is breaking and I am scared to death that I will lose Tuesday. If I lose then he gets everything and I will end up homeless. I can't keep paying all my bills on what I get from SSDI. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up again. It just hurts to much to be a failure when I have worked all my life to be something an have a nice home and now when I need him to be there and help me get back on my feet he deserts me. I just don't know how to do it.
Please know that you need to be strong for your grandbaby. Its hard but your life is precious. God loves his children and doesn't want you to feel hopeless. Please reach out to a ministry in your area, please don't feel hopeless.
I heard a story of a stay at home mom yesterday who was awarded 1 dollar a year in alimony a year. She is good today, has survived and moved on. Its hard to see the light when these jerks are putting it out at every turn.
Take a breathe, and know this too shall pass. I will pray for you and wish you a much better year.
[This message edited by will get by at 12:04 PM, January 2nd (Monday)]
You are gonna get through this weekend. Then you are going to go into that courtroom. You have an attorney of record. That attorney can not just drop you in the middle of the case. The attorney would have to petition the court to be removed from representing you. The judge would have to approve it and you would have to be notified.
The attorney will show up or have to answer to the judge why they are not there. Then the attorney can ask the judge to rule on the attorney's fees, hopefully get X to cover some of it.
Bring all the paperwork you have, including the lawyer's billing statements to court on Tuesday. Just in case the attorney did try to no show, but judges and opposing council don't like to waste their time showing up for nothing.
You are in the home stretch, don't give up now! And your ungrateful daughter can pound sand! But deal with her later - you got important fish to fry this week!
I know you are frightened about trial this week, but try to calm yourself down. The others are right. Your attorney is obligated to be there. The judge has to be notified, you have to be notified and there is hearing before he can just not show up.
I felt very much the same as you when facing these hearings. My XNPDH was such a pathalogical liar and I was so scared that he was
going to take everything from me by telling his VERY CONVINCING lies. The thing that I didn't realize was that his lies were only convincing to me because he had abused and manipulated me for years. A normal person saw right through his bullshit.
The judge saw right through him and everything worked out fine.
The longer I remained NC with him, the more clear my mind became, the healthier I became mentally and the stronger I got.
He didn't change. He continued to stalk and harass me. I was the one who changed. My attitude and my
feelings changed. Instead of feeling pity, sorrow and longing for him when he did these things (which clouded
my judgement) I began to see him for what he was; a criminal. I became very neutral with my feelings and reacted as if I were dealing with any other common criminal on the street.
Please talk to your doctor about getting something to help you with your anxiety and depression. It will help you so much, especially during these more difficult times.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:38 AM, January 2nd (Monday)]
I was a lot better yesterday but still teary and in pain. Last night I had to deal with my daughter trying to convince me to move in with her so I can be their live in babysitter and help pay their bills. She just won't get it through her head that I can't and won't live with her. She keeps pointing out what happened to me last year where I was too ill to get out of bed for 5 months. Then she uses my grandbaby as a weapon agains't me and how she won't be able to keep working if she has to find babysitters. Tried to tell her that moving where she did was not smart before they moved but no she HAD to have a house on the lake. Now it is my responsibility to make it work for them.
Yes, I may get sick and have to move in with them but I will wait until that happens. I know that living with my daughter will be a nightmare as they smoke and I won't have a place for any privacy.
Today is a much better day. My granddaughter is with me and we are going shopping for a COURT outfit for me. I want to look good for court and I know that it won't matter to him what I look like but it matters to me.
Thank you for helping me through a really rough night and one that I wasn't sure I would live through. Please do not think that I was not honest about not living as I had already taken some pills and planned to finish the job. I guess God felt that it just wasn't my time because I reached out to you wonderful people and you talked me off the ledge.
Please watch Joyce Meyer or another uplifting message this evening and then again tomorrow morning. Remember the worst thing he did to you and arm yourself with these things tomorrow as you fight for you.
God loves you and you are important.
I know that even when I was a size 0 he was cheating so it has nothing to do with my current weight or lenth of hair. He is the one that is broken and I will make it through this with God's help. I was never allowed to mention "God" around him as he would get furious with me and make derogetory remarks. He doesn't believe in God so I was not allowed to.
I know that my illness's do not define me but sometimes it is very hard to deal with all the things that are causing my pains and brain fogs.
I have prayed every night since I found out he cheated for the strength to go on.
My granddaughter picked out two wonderful COURT outfits for me to wear tomorrow so that I will look good. It matters to me to look professional and well put together when I have to go before a judge. It will allow me to focus on winning and not how I look.
I just wanted to say thank you again. You are an amazing person.
Two court outfits? Have you chosen one to wear tomorrow? Tell us how you are going to look. Put the success into words so we can see it for you tomorrow too.
MOJO and strength winging your way tomorrow from me to you.