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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my favorites is how he's in Sales and he tells stories about how good he is at 'closing' people. He got so-in-so to do what he wanted by using sales pitches and basically manipulation.

And he is so proud of this why??

I know he thinks the same things about me. I've even heard it come from his own freaking mouth on at least 1 occasion.

It's so sad. What ever happened to building a lasting M out of mutual respect, love, admiration, consideration, support and friendship?

For NPDs it's the "mutual" part right? You give all it to them, they're good, no problem. You ask for it in return, you're nuts. Almost laughable.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, September 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*wanttobeloved*

I have been told that with all the things he is doing that I need to be really careful, especially with the shemale porn and tranny porn. I have been told that this can lead to other problems. Is that true?

What is going on here? There is nothing in your "about me" that I could find. Are you dealing with someone who is not sure about their sexuality?

I did. My WS affairs were all with men. I think it adds yet another layer of trying to control and hide who they really are.

PM me if you want.

I remember another gem of a story. WS Mother (major FOO issues) bought a Ford Fusion and loved it. My car died, and I was doing research for a new car. WS said, "let's buy a Ford Fusion". I said "No, I don't like them". For MONTHS he couldn't understand why I did NOT like that car. He tried to convince me, would point them out on the street, belittle me, on and on over a stupid car! It never mattered what car *I* wanted. Eventually I bought what I wanted, though....

[This message edited by cmego at 1:57 PM, September 7th (Wednesday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, September 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember another gem of a story. WS Mother (major FOO issues) bought a Ford Fusion and loved it. My car died, and I was doing research for a new car. WS said, "let's buy a Ford Fusion". I said "No, I don't like them". For MONTHS he couldn't understand why I did like that car. He tried to convince me, would point them out on the street, belittle me, on and on over a stupid car!

Dickhead ALWAYS had to do whatever Flavor of the Month was doing. He'd fixate on something someone else was doing or liked, and the family had to fall in lockstep... or else. From fish tacos to the way I cooked bacon, there would be screaming matches (well, fits, because I didn't scream back at him) if I or the kids weren't doing it like Skanky O'Slattern, or didn't like Skanky's favorite foods. He actually brought a plant from the Troll home and put it in the kitchen where I had to see it everyday. Needless to say, it met with an unfortunate demise.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You give all it to them, they're good, no problem. You ask for it in return, you're nuts.

Fits them all to a tee! And lets not forget if we DON'T give it all to them, there will be hell to pay.

So true - if we ask for even a little respect and compassion, we're weak.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things have been flooding back to me...all of the control behavior he held over me. I had a long ago memory, about 10 years ago, we would have been married about 7 or 8 years by then. I remember I came home from a long weekend, found a ton of empty beer bottles in the trash, and turning on the computer, gay porn was all over the history. First, I vomited. Then I confronted him.

What I remember is him telling me that a virus must have attacked our computer from a dirty joke he opened. He had no idea what happened. I didn't believe him (of course), so THEN he had me call our service provider and ask if it was a *possibility* that this could happen. I remember talking to the service person who said, "Well, I *guess* it could happen, but I've never heard of this "bug" ". My WS jumped all over saying, "See?? He said it was a virus!! It wasn't me! I didn't look at that crap! It's disgusting."

Of course, caught him in gay affairs several years later.

Who does this to other people? Make them feel crazy and the extent of the lies??

I'm almost feeling like a weight come off of me recently. Like I'm beginning to see who he *IS*. What he put me through to protect himself. The problem lied with him, and I was just another victim.

Why didn't I call "Bull shit!!" to him? Why did I believe him??? That's what I'm stuck on now....


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And another weird memory. WS called me at work to tell me that he had fired one of his employee's, and the husband was really angry. He wanted me to know there were some "messages" on the phone. That if for whatever reason I had someone call me, I should ignore everything that person said...they were just an angry spouse. Then he slipped and said something about, ..."he's already called the house."

So I clearly remember telling him to leave the message on the phone so I could hear the guys voice. That way I would be prepared if I ever ran into him. WS said, "OK".

When I arrived home 30 min or so later, the messages were all erased and WS was in the shower. I remember thinking how strange, since he never took showers in the evening. So I asked why the messages had been erased and he said "I didn't know you wanted to listen to them". So, of course, I argued..."We talked about this. I TOLD you I wanted to listen to the message. YOU said fine."

"No I didn't." Was his response. And he continued his shower like I wasn't even there.

Why, why, why???? Why?!!!!!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cmego, that's one question a lot of us have struggled with. All the hindsights haunted me for a very long time afterward. Things that felt hinky at the time they happened now made sense. Once I started processing them, shame came first. After a while, when I forgave myself for the dynamic I participated in, I felt relief. He still fancies himself the master, hence the passive-aggressive crap like the decluttering article, but other than the occasional "how dare he think I'm falling for that!" I'm usually more amused by his pathology than anything else. It just takes time.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember my XH would never let me drive.... it made him "nervous" to ride in a car with someone else driving .... really????

Now guess who drives him around .... the OW.

He calls at 8:45 last night while I was in the middle of a test. Kids are in bed (except oldest DD). I see his caller ID. ..

Me: "What?" ( no hello I never say hello just "what?" when he calls)

Him : "oh are the kids asleep already? I wanted to talk to them and see how their first day went..."

Me: "Uh it's almost 9 ... they are in bed at 8 and oldest DD14 is waiting for her BF to call. I'm trying to take a timed test I have to go call tomorrow or earlier in the day and not after 8 anymore on school nights"

Him: "Well if her BF can call then I think I am allowed to call and talk to my kids."

Me: "Then schedule ahead of time and no YOU aren't allowed to call MY phone at any hours or when you feel like it because it's my line."

Him: "Well I'm trying to be more involved with OUR girls so if I want to talk to them I am calling them when I get out of work."

Me: "Ok then the ringer is going off at 8pm and I just won't answer the phone unless it's pre-scheduled. Later"

And I just hung up. 1st off my daughter calls her BF he doesn't call here after 8 because he knows I put the two younger ones down at 8. 2nd he's an assclown and I'm tired of dealing with him. 3rd I don't care what he says anymore lol

gah the audacity of me letting SOMEONE else call after 8pm and NOT him ... poor baby.

[This message edited by Llanden at 12:34 PM, September 8th (Thursday)]


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm usually more amused by his pathology than anything else.

That's the best way to handle it. Just last night my H tried to tell me that he said blah blah blah about a particular subject. The problem is that I am the one that said blah blah blah just 3 days before, and to him! So here he is trying to take credit for my thought to me. And when I said "I'm the one that said that!" he said "No, it was me." I just stopped at that point. How can you argue with crazy?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am quoting Caregiver9000 because these are too good to fade into the etherworld...

How about if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, it's probably a fucking NPD zebra playing a duck for everyone else.

Or Just because I am the nicest person you know doesn't mean I will still be nice to you, you fukker.

No one thinks as much of you as you do.

If you laugh I know it ain't funny.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just last week...

Me: So, when you took the kids on vacation, I put their workbooks in the suitcase. Nothing was done. Why did they do no work, and no reading for the entire week?

NPD: Well, YOU didn't tell me they had to do it!


Seriously. It was my fault because I didn't TELL him that the workbooks needed to be done. They were just in there for decoration.

My Mom said, "Why didn't you just laugh at him?".

Next time, I will


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously. It was my fault because I didn't TELL him that the workbooks needed to be done. They were just in there for decoration.

LOL - I hope he told you what a horrible mother you were for not making sure they did their work!

Unbelievable. So did you pack them just to make their bags heavier?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbx refuses to let me or anyone else drive because he has to be in control and god forbid he is forced to sit in the back. He actually made someone pull over and let him sit up front cause he was freaking out. He is still trying to control me by telling me how badly I hurt him. I'm like "WHAT"? You cheated on me and I am hurting you by telling people after you are lying about why we are divorcing? It is alway poor me porr me poor me.

He has raged at me until I am absolutely terrified that he is going to come after me if I file for divorce. He is the one that will decide when we divorce and what I get, which is absolutely not a damn thing. He tried to rub it in that without him I am not going to have health insurance and he knows that I have just been diagnosed with an incurable illness. But he is more concerned about his image than my health or losing me.

He is an alcoholic and NPD and he has verbally abused me for years but I have hurt him so bad. I honestly just shake my head at his thought process. I have been afraid he would hit me for 2 years and have to move in 1 week after I had to threaten him with the cops but I have hurt him. Seriously he is nuts.

He has also denied all affairs except what he thinks I had proof of even though I remember other times that I thought he was cheating and who I think he is cheating with now. I saw proof with my own eyes and he says I am crazy. I am so happy that I have given up trying to get him to see what he is losing. I just have to let go and laugh at him.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think the best way to respond is to simply laugh


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi guys! just chiming in to say hi on the new thread!

and to share....
my x npd just came to pick up the kids a little while ago, and he was dressed like Charlie Sheen........yikes!

he was even wearing one of those ridiculous hats that elderly Cuban men wear. looked like he stold it from a casket....


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, September 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost feeling like a weight come off of me recently. Like I'm beginning to see who he *IS*. What he put me through to protect himself. The problem lied with him, and I was just another victim.

I love this process. The freeing sensation that comes from understanding.

and thanks never for the compliment.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in to say hi. I am still out here in NPD land. Been in a major depression for a few weeks but trying to work my way out of it. Depression is not M or A related but after battling this shit for 16 mos. it just doesn't take much to knock me back down. Things and obstacles that I used to just plow through, now knock me back into the sandy pit. I claw my way back but just slide right back down. The emotional rollercoaster of a NPD survivor.

Anyone else find that they struggle with what used to be everyday nuisances that now seem like the world is collapsing on you???


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Frank)))

Certainly. A particularly crazy day at work can put me into tears. Last week I was in and out of work with my little ones who weren't feeling well and one day I stopped by the office with them, my son had a little meltdown and so my meltdown wasn't far behind.

The first day of school for my elementary schooler, new school for her and after care program, I went to pick her up and couldn't get into the locked building, it took me 20 mins and 5 phone calls to get to her but we were both crying by the time we were reunited.

I cry all the time at the drop of a hat, and it kills me when my kids are there to comfort me. I LOVE it, don't get me wrong, their empathy and love for me is amazing, I'd never trade it, but when my 6 yr old is rubbing my back in the middle of the night while I cry or my 2 yr old wipes my tears, it is a reminder of who SHOULD be there doing the same thing. But he isn't.

Hang in there, I know at some times we can lose it easier than other times. But we do get through right? You are such a strong person, I've seen it in your posts in this forum and others, you are a great human being, you have perservered through so many obstacles in your life, and remember we all have gained strength from you and your wisdom and perserverance often.

I'd like to thank you for that. HUGS THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS with you today.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else find that they struggle with what used to be everyday nuisances that now seem like the world is collapsing on you???

Right here! I almost lost it in the grocery store because they didn't have the carts I liked - they were all in the parking lot or in use.

What helps me through these 'moments' is thinking back on all the times I've had the most horrible things said to me by someone that was supposed to love me. If I can withstand that and not go insane, surely I can handle a bad day at work or a traffic jam, and yes, even using a different size grocery cart.

Every person here, take a bow. You've dealt with insanity for years and kept your wits about you. This should be the good time - the lightbulb has gone on for us. Be proud you've learned that it really isn't you, because sadly there are millions out there dealing with what we've dealt with but they haven't figured it out yet.



When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, September 9th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's where I was for the last few weeks. Once I moved, and my life was settling down...BOOM. The best I can figure is that once the stress calmed down, it allowed my brain to then start processing what has happened to me in the last 18 months or so.

Everyone kept telling me I needed to just "let it go", but what really helped me is figuring out about NPD, and now I'm reading on emotional and verbal abuse. It's sooooo eye-opening to me. It's like I want to shout "That's what he did to me!!! That's IT! Finally, I DON"T feel crazy!".

But, I'm the type of person who gets power from knowledge. Sorry you aren't having a good time...

(((Frank)))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3617 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
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