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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's true! NPP's have serious issues with boundaries. They don't believe the rules apply to them. They bark orders and we jump. Not so much because we're weak, but because we just don't want to deal with the bullshit that comes when he doesn't get his way.

NPD's are like overgrown 3 year
old's. They stomp around making
ridiculous demands "JUST
BECAUSE!!"

They are a nightmare to deal with,
even in "good times." You almost
can't help but become co-dependent
with these nut-balls because if you
don't jump through hoops, you're life
with them will be HELL 24x7.

They handle divorce the same way, but usually crank it up a few notches. This is why I preach and preach NO CONTACT during a divorce with an NPD. They are so manipulative. They will say or do ANYTHING to get what they want. They will spend $5000 to get a $5 dollar item. They will make up outrageous lies in order to frighten, intimidate and anything else they need to do to get their own way. Save yourself alot of headache, heartache, time and money. Let your attorney deal with the idiot. That's what you're paying him to do.

In the end, you will be so glad you did. Right now, you are so emotionally damaged and exhausted that you most likely just want him gone. But don't short change yourself either to what is rightfully and legally yours.

I spent a small fortune getting rid of my XNPDH. (about $40k) at the time, I was SICK over it. BUT, it was money WELL spent. And if I had to do it all over again and they said the cost would be double, I would still say, "What a BARGAIN!!"

Peace of mind. You can't put a price on it.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:19 AM, October 25th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm listening to you all. I'll make sure I build up a repertoire of noncommittal responses. And go back to 'playing house', aka rugsweeping.

Hugs & thanks to all~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to say....I am going away....for awhile anyway.

I need to take a break. I want to focus my energies on a New Beginning. I am feeling a little guilty because I do want to help others the way I was helped. And I will be back....not sure how long I need. But I want to say thank you to those that were so helpful in my healing process. I may still pop in from time to time but part of my healing is leaving this mess behind. I am ready to move on. This will always be a part of my life but I want to put it in the past. I will always feel the connection with those that walk this path. Many of us have shared some very special moments on these boards and the SI army of strangers have shown so much compassion and caring and shared so much emotion that it has truly been a sobering experience.

I am not saying good bye for good.....just taking that necessary break. It is part of the healing process. I feel like I have come out the other side....finally. I just want to stay out here and not be drawn back. When I know I am safe I will check back in and see how everyone is doing.

Until then....I wish you all a fast recovery. Keep working hard at your healing and take care of yourselves. I hope to read some success stories when I return. You are all special whether you realize it yet or not. It takes a special person to survive what we have survived. Good luck and I love you all.

Frank


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 25th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOu will be missed by all of us, your wisdom has helped me through so many rough times. I understand that you need to focus on the good in your life now but just know that many of us have been helped by you.

Bye for now Frank2010 but not forever.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank I also wanted to say thank you for your wisdom, knowledge and support.

I wish you all the VERY BEST. Keep moving forward.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to respond to an NPD?

Uh huh and ok are brilliant.

The last time I spoke to NPDWH he started crapping on about "poor him" and "woe is him" then he told me he sat on the railway tracks waiting for the train to end his "woes".

I replied "uh huh".

You could almost hear his NPD brain thinking "oh that didn't get the response I thought I would get. Change topic. Ask how the cats are".

I wanted to say "well you're an asshat. The train only comes twice a day you fool. Shouldn't you have checked the timetable moron?"

BTW I'm ignoring his weird texts and emails. So what does he do? He emails my adult daughter! Says he loved her like a daughter. Yeah right. It's been 9 months and this is the first time you contact her?

NPD all the way.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
Bobcap29
♂ Member
Member # 33137
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank2010,

I have read a lot of your post and you have been a blessing to all of us.

Thanks for everything.

NPD graduation day!!! Show the world what you are made of.


Me: BS 37
HER : STBXW 33
DS 11, DD 13

Posts: 119 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frank- Thank you so much for the help you've given me, help understanding WTH is going on in my life. I wish you well in your new beginning. Stop by later & update us on how you are.

Hugs & thanks~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
TellitLikeItIs
♀ Member
Member # 33737
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking for a few weeks now and have found much to think about in this thread. All your stories and posts resonate deeply with me ... heck I could have written most of them!
Like SabinatheOwl, I'm still playing the game, sweeping things under the rug and playing "dumb, good wife" so that I can finally make my escape.
Life has thrown me a couple of curve balls ... my mother just suffered a massive stroke (she's 9 hours away) ... WS has just had surgery and is recuperating at home now (recuperating=whining) ... and one of my sons is acting out and that must be dealt with. Doesn't give me much time to plan and strategize and think about me. I guess that's why I finally made the step from lurker to participant.
I was telling my IC yesterday that I felt like the bottom piece of clothing in the laundry pile. (No I'm no depressed ... just a tad cynical) I mean, I know that I will eventually "get washed" (to continue my poor analogy) but I'm pretty frustrated that there's so many other pieces of clothing that need to get taken care of first.
I'm sure I'll become a regular fixture here as I come back to vent and ask for advice.


Me: BS youthful 51
Him: skittle shitting unicorn 54
Married: 14 years
Blended family: 6 kids: 30,25,25,23,21,11
D-day: June 22 2011
living with trickle truth and too many D-days to count
Looks like R may be "real" this time around ...


Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Tell,
I'm glad you decided to finally post. Part of the problem with living with an NPD is that you will ALWAYS be last until YOU move yourself up in the pecking order.

You have the power to pull yourself up off the bottom of the laundry basket and put yourself in first place for next care and cleaning. You just need to do it.

The fact is, there will always be someone recovering from something, someone's birthday, a holiday and any number of other reasons to put off making your move. You need to do it when you're ready, period. Because once you start, there can't be any going back.

I'm sorry about your mother. I know how hard that is, especially when you have a whining, unsupportive NPD in the mix crying "ME! ME! Me!"

Ugh!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Tell...to the land of busted lightbulbs and broken toasters..well, sorta...:)
Shut the door on the me-crier, turn the music up loud...
Practice uh huhs too.
LOL Faith
See? It works!
Tell him to sit there at 9:59 when the next train's coming. You checked. LMAO, ok no. Don't.
Frank, gonna miss you. Be well. Healed.
Here's a success story to send you off...
I am way way better than when I first got here. I even understand my posts now!
haha
God be with you brother!

Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
irrelevancy
♀ New Member
Member # 33579
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking for multiple iterations of these NPD threads.

Frank, I'll miss you even though you don't know me, your advice has helped me.

I have been told by a joint counselor that my ex likely has NPD. I'm doing NC as much as I'm allowed given that we have children together and have to communicate about them. The rest? Is a true NC. The caulk guns have made me laugh because yep... had them! The other stuff.. scarily true.

Back to possible lurking. I wanted to tell Frank a big thank you though.


The greatest gift a father can give his children is to love (or at the very least, respect) their mother....

That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: healing land
toughgirl8
♀ Member
Member # 29812
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((frank)))

Thank you for your insight and support. Best of luck to you. Don't forget to check in and let us know how you're doing.


Me-37
WH-41
M-12 yrs
D Day-3/2010
4 kiddoes
Some may say I have a short temper, I say I have a swift and assertive reaction to bull sh't. ;)

Posts: 327 | Registered: Oct 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I just got the official "you are dealing with a NPD" from my new IC. Wow. What she was saying, it was like, "yes, that's him. Um hunh...bingo. Yes. that's what he did". Scary.

The good news that I heard was that she is going to help me with some coping skills when I have to be around him. And that he may not turn on our children. Some relationships are "protected" someone from them. He's not connected fully with them, but maybe he won't manipulate them like he does everyone else.

Wow. It feels so good to be validated. I mentioned on here before that I hadn't seen the "rage", and again, she said some relationships are "protected" from the rage. But, while talking to her, I HAVE seen the rage. It was directed at the man who "outed" him. I'd never seen him so angry. I've seen the rage, it just wasn't directed at me, but directed at the person who "destroyed" the perfect image.

Whew.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen the rage, it just wasn't directed at me, but directed at the person who "destroyed" the perfect image.

This is usually how it comes out. When the NPD is exposed, their image is destroyed, or they feel as though they are losing control of a situation or a person. The rage will then be directed at the perceived villain.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've seen the rage, the gritting of the teeth was part of it. It scared the hell out of me. I wish I had been close to family, being far from home, 3 kids, and not knowing how to support them was scarier than his rage towards me.

I wonder what people would think of him if they knew how he talked about them behind their backs.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you haven't ever seen anyone act like that, it is VERY SHOCKING.

My XNPDH's fits would start off like a temper tantrum. He would literally start stomping his feet, sighing heavily, slumping his shoulders in an exaggerated manner and pout like a baby. Seeing a grown man act like this was mind boggling. If that little charade didn't get the desired result, he would start YELLING and SCREAMING. If that didn't work, he would get into my space or right in my face and no matter how hard I tried, he would be right there. he wouldn't touch me. I would be pushing him away from me, but he would continually stay within inches of my face with his face.

I so do NOT miss that creep at all.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that in your face screaming, I don't miss. He had the nerve to tell me I had an anger problem and the only person he had an anger issue with was me. Guess that was because I knew the monster he was.

He got mad, really mad because I told his skank to stay away from him otherwise I would send the phone records to her boss. He lost it, big time.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 27th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that is why I was confused. The rage wasn't directed at me, like many of you here. Who knows, he might rage about me behind my back. But, yes, I hadn't figured out the rage was directed at someone else. It was vehement.

Mostly we talked about me creating stronger boundaries and learning WHEN he is manipulating me. She is also going to pull together some things for me to read.

She reiterated that I was simply a pawn to him, that everyone is a pawn to him. I have to learn it wasn't about me, he treats everyone the same. I've heard from other people he doesn't treat his AP very well. Very manipulative, and does nothing but complain about him.

The therapist was telling me about children of NPD's, and many of them first notice that they treat other people poorly I'm worried for my children.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He had the nerve to tell me I had an anger problem and the only person he had an anger issue with was me.

LOL - I've heard this so many times. It isn't that he's an asshole, it's me. I make him like that. No one else, it's me.

Yeah, ok pal. Sure thing. Maybe it is me, because I know the real monster and I can say things he can't lie and cover up. That seems to be when he loses it the most - when I have him dead to rights and he can't charm his way out of it or lie to cover it up. Then the fireworks go off.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
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