Right now though, you can't contact your x, so post and vent here, and I hope that there is positive support for you irl.
As far as the RO, you have two avenues for support. Contact the police dept. of the town in which you live. They are responsible for the holding the order, serving it and enforcing it. They would most likely have got in touch with you had the order been served.
when you went to court to get the order, was it a temp order or have you gone through a waiting period, and it was extended?
You can contact your district attorney's office and ask to speak to a victim's/witness advocate. This person can help you with procedures and what to expect (although may not give legal advice). Or, you can go down to the court house in which you filed the order and ask to speak to an advocate.
You can also contact your local women's domestic violence hotline or shelter and ask them to help you. Sometimes these things can be so overwhelming that it helps a lot to have someone talking you through things.
Good luck, stay no contact and stay safe.
Isn't that the way it happens? All at once? It was very similar for me. I lost my job. My grandfather was dying. My best friend was killed suddenly in a car accident. I had to put my beloved doggie of almost 16 years to sleep. And then in the middle of all of that my husband was having an affair. I throw him out. Then on my next annual check up they find a lump on my breast that has to be biopsied. That tests positive so they have to remove it. All the while I am scared out of my mind and all alone.
No husband. No best friend.
But please don't call him. He won't care anyway. NPD's are heartless and careless.
Try to find a way to move on with your life without him. Find a new support system.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
But please don't call him. He won't care anyway. NPD's are heartless and careless.
SO that! After living with an NPD for so long, I've learned that it's better for me to do bad by myself. My XSO was miles better than my CBXFE husband, but he has children and a career 6 hours away. Since neither of us will be moving anytime soon and we have to coordinate visits around custody schedules (we don't do overnight visits with kids), he was iffy on commitment, which I was cool with. That past few weeks, however, have been hectic: my daughter's adrenal glands have jumped into gear early, my 16-year-old's grades are mediocre and he's been spending all of his free time at an anime shop with grown-up folks (like, my age!), my 18 year old has spending time in the boonies with a girl whom I know is at least 2 years younger than he, I had two non-moving traffic tickets that would possibly be dismissed but no money to make the corrections and definitely no money to pay them off, and my wrist drop as of two weeks ago still didn't seem to be getting any better. So when he told me that he was coming in October but wouldn't tell me when to keep me on my toes, that was it. I can't even imagine going back to a time when someone who is supposed to be a partner who's not even up to sharing my stress with me making more stress for me, just to say that I have one. I did discuss it with him, and all he told me was not to be so hard on him. If that was his best, oh well, buh-bye.
And you know what, since then, son has been staying home, other son broke up with the girl, daughter's hormone levels are WNL, the ex paid a little extra toward arrears, and I can now move my wrist to neutral. Sometimes, things just work themselves out, and you can get through it by yourself.
[This message edited by veritas at 10:25 AM, October 12th (Wednesday)]
My attorney says that we have to go to a hearing on the protective order and so we are waiting for a court date. Stbx has been served and is now punishing me because I used an attorney. I am getting the silent treatment, which is fine cause that is what I have wanted.
sadtoo, Thank you. It is just so hard to go through all of these things without your spouse. But then he really hasn't been with me for the past 2 years since I first got sick. He just doesn't care. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so much also. It's like it all hits us when we are at our lowest and it dumps buckets for crap on us.
I know that I can't call or text or email him as that gives him control. But why can't some of this crap hit him instead of me? I am tired of being sick while he is fine. He is the one who destroyed our lives and walks away scot free. I can only hope that I have a good judge who awards me temporary spousal support until I can get well enough to go back to work. Hitting my stbx in the pocket book will really piss him off. He thought he had me convinced to just take my name off everything and walk away. dumbass. 12 years of marriage and I never cheated but he did constantly and I am supposed to follow his rules. Oh Hell NO!
I hope we can all find some peace soon.
I cannot imagine living my life in such a shallow manner and lacking any real relationships. I cannot imagine going through life incapable of any true emotion and feeling other than anger or pleasuring myself sexually. What a sad pathetic existence. It almost (but not quite) makes me feel sorry for the freaks.
That in itself is the real payback for these NPD's. The payback is being who they are.
And SVB, it was very difficult going through that time in my life. But you know what? I made it through it and so will you. For me, the longer I went without contact with him, the stronger I became. I can sense your strength growing in your posts. You are sounding stronger and more self assured. You are not so afraid of what he may or may not do. You're not letting him bully you any more. GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm so PROUD of you! Let that strength grow and feed off it. Soon you will be NPD free!!!
You are sounding stronger and more self assured. You are not so afraid of what he may or may not do. You're not letting him bully you any more. GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm so PROUD of you! Let that strength grow and feed off it. Soon you will be NPD free!!!
This..... I am noticing it too. I sensed the weakness but then saw you turn it aroud and fight those gut wrenching temptations to contact him!!!! It gets easier each time. Gain strength from it and keep moving away.
Status: S & D'ing
It is like reading a book almost all the way through and then someone rips out the last six chapters.
I love this thread. Every time I start missing mine, I read here and it goes away....
When you are ready.....start writing your own ending....make it a happy one. It is the script of this one act play called "your life".
I have found my dream and am writing the script. I know how I want the story to end. It keeps me focused on the future and keeps me from looking back at the past. I am moving to Colorado and starting a whole new life with a wonderful woman. If the play starts to go south....well we will rewrite the next act and start again. As long as it is moving me away from that hellish past.....the last six chapters will be a happy ending.
When you are ready....go chase a dream.
I really want to ask everyone how they deal with the LIES??
I filed for divorce once I moved back home with the kids and filed for fault divorce. I told him I filed and he was served. It took 6 weeks until he was served for a few different reasons---first the courts wanted his home address to have him served instead of at work. I do not know where he lives so it took awhile to get that approved. Then he went on a 2 week vacation with his ow.
Within a week of him being served, he served me. Says I have to file in new state and now it is a big fight and we have 4 lawyers involved. It is a mess. He wrote this huge, sob story petition which was all lies!
What a great father he was
how I took the kids from their home, school, friends and uprooted them and they are devastated. How I practically kidnapped them and took them without his consent or knowledge...even though we were trying to buy a house for the kids and I in old state and it fell through in Jan. 2011.
None is true--he made us move across the country for his job that supposedly paid more (lie) so he wouldn't have to travel anymore (only truth) and he'd be home every night at 6pm (lie)...I guess he didn't count in the time he needed to keep his gf happy.
He uprooted us from our home where we lived for 16 years knowing the kids didn't want to move and knowing how miserable they were there--he didn't care, still could care less.
He has made me out to be this horrible bitch and none of it is true.
When I was writing up my petition I looked over it completely to make sure there were no lies so it would not backfire on me. So how does he do this?
And most important...will the lies come out or will I be the bad guy in this whole mess??
I didn't think I could hate him anymore than I did once he moved us and lied about his gf and made us sell our home. Now this is on a completely different level.
Do the courts really care about the he said/she said crap that is going back and forth? I am afraid they will believe his bs and we'll be forced to move back or settle for much less $ than we should get.
The hate has all come back and all I can say is thank goodness I am 3000 miles from him!
Any advice on dealing with a divorce with a NPD and all the lies he is spewing?
[This message edited by trixie2010 at 8:45 PM, October 13th (Thursday)]
Do the courts believe them? It depends. Don't get involved in the "he said she said" crap. Don't allow yourself to be baited no matter how bad the garbage is he says about you. Only address what you NEED to address accordingto the divorce. If you engage in the other, you will be viewed as just playing the game right along with him. If you haven't been already, start documenting EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING. Take photos. Make copies, keep a journal. Go back and get copies of things that can provide factual evidence to information you are presenting. Make sure that everything you have to present or answer to is accompanied by some type of evidence that backs up what you are saying. So if you say, on such and such day I was here. Have a receipt or something that shows that. Otherwise you're just telling a story.
That's what he is doing.
Glad you came here but sorry you needed to. There is good stuff in this thread and even back in the NPD Part 8. You might want to catch that before that whole thread disappears. Part 8 has a lot of good clues on identifying and dealing with NPDs. Also a lot of good reading advice there too. Links and books. Education is your best friend when dealing with NPD.
Those of us that have been learning a lot have made huge strides in detaching and getting control of our lives back. We can now see through their NPD bullshit and steer clear of their manipulations. Read, Read, and then Read some more. You will soon be able to look back and at least logically make sense of what you have been through for years and did not know you were going through it. All the years of "WTF was that all about" or "WTF brought that on" type stuff. When you are done reading you will have a lot of aha moments. When you do....post it and share with us. The shit will drive you nuts trying to understand what logic can't explain.
If you have emails, pictures, love notes from WH to gf keep two sets of those so you can show the judge what he was up to before he moved the family all the way out there. THis will show the judge just who uprooted the kids and why.
This is WAR and you have to be the one to show that you would not be getting a divorce if it were not for his cheating lying ass. Think of everything that you might have down to gas receipts that show he was going to that location more often than necessary before the move. Look for chat sessions, cell phone bills anything that can prove he moved you guys there with the sole intent of leaving you.
I know that this all sounds harsh but let me tell you, it will get ugly when the time comes. MY stbx is punishing me for filing against his wishes and has now turned my MIL against me. Even though she knows he has cheated on me 2 separate times she is going for her baby boy. I have documented emails, pictures and proof of stolen money just to protect myself. You have to fight for you and the kids. If you can get people who know what was going to to sign notorized documents that will help also.
The flowers by themselves seem innocent enough. But when you start matching these acts of kindness with all the other NPD traits....it changes the picture. People at the office only see the act itself and think what a wonderful guy he is.....that is what he needs.....to have people think he is "special". As you read and learn, you will be able to look back and re evaluate a lot of things.... a lot of aha moments. In a way you feel better because you finally get to start making sense of things. It explains a lot of contradictary actions. But then it also hurts because you start to see who they really are and just can't understand how you have been so dumb for all these years. It hurts because you now see these actions and words as lies and manipulations instead of acts of love and concern. It will break your heart even more than the infidelity sometimes. But when it comes to NPDs, even though it hurts, knowledge is your best defense against the even bigger pains and hurts.
As a wise person on here told me....there is no way around it, over it, or under it....you just have to go through it. Keep learning and keep working your way through it. It really does make it easier to heal when you see them for who they are. I am well into my healing now but still sad at the loss of a 31 year marriage/relationship. But as I move into my new life I take solace in knowing there was nothing I could have done to save the marriage. It was doomed the moment I said "I do". The only reason it lasted as long as it did is because I was willing to settle for less. I was willing to give more than I demanded in return. Sad as it is, it was inevitable. Not a question of if but more a question of when.
And every victim of NPD has those feelings of inadequacy because that is how the NPD thrives. I just learned something new on another thread the other day. NPDs feel this inferiority and feel like they do not belong or measure up. But it is at a subconscious level. So their conscious being protects them by trying to project superiority or flawlessness. Those are not the exact words but the general idea. They need to be admired on the conscious level to protect them from the inferiorities they feel subconsciously.
I am going to try to get more information from the person that posted. It revealed some things that I was seeing for the first time and had a simpler yet definite aspect of NPD. I will post it in NPD if I get ahold of it.
To all us NPD victims....stay strong and detach, let go, and move forward. Start making plans for your future that do not include the Ex/STBX. Even if it is just daydreaming about the future....make sure it does not include them. That has probably been the one most important thing that I have done to help me really speed up the healing. Now those dreams are actually plans and well on their way to being a reality. A future life without NPD....wow....that's all....just wow!!!!
He may not be as NPD as just f'ed up.
1. I chased him from another country. He never asked me to marry him, just gave me the ring and let me assume what it was.
2. He laughed at me because someone couldn't understand me and then when we got to the car he threw the bag of stuff at me because I was mad.
3. Boundaries, he flirted and let women flirt with him.
4. Control issues.
5. Spending issues.
6. Let our daughter talk to me awful and when I wouldn't let her, it was my fault that I acted like a teenager.
7. Always was more upset that his parents didn't accept him and his accomplishments than be happy that we as his family were proud.
8. My mom recently told me that she thinks he isolated me in the country, but never did the stuff he wanted to do in the country.
9. Almost bankrupted us twice, but it was my fault that I couldn't pay the bills. And was always on my case because I couldn't put an extra $5 on the cc bills, but he never would help with the bills. That way he wouldn't have to stop spending the money. Head stuck in sand.
10. His affairs were because I didn't love him anymore.
11. Not accepting what he did, never giving me any information, wanting me to move on and just forgive him.
12. Throws my religion in my face because I can't forgive him.
13. Is negative about other people behind their backs and I don't think he ever said anything really nice, just critical stuff.
14. His bosses never liked him.
15. He never had really close friends, not ones that really stopped by or called him at home. But just told me the other day that he has close friends, so what is it. He had close friends but never had them to the house and never shared wanted them at our house.
16. Always wanted to look good to other people. Knight in shining armor but never followed through, except with his whore friend.
I wanted to go back to full time work, he wanted me in my part-time work so when he retired I would be with him instead of a job that I wouldn't quit. Hated that I admired my bosses who were always good to me. Oh, my male bosses didn't like him much either.
Bought stuff but never really used it, spent money on guns and archery equipment that never got used. Had more vehicles in half a life than some people have in a lifetime. New, bigger, better, even if we couldn't afford it.
Anyway, control, temper, emotional distance, verbal abuse, some physical abuse, and when I wouldn't back down just old fashioned bullying until I was too scared to stand up for myself anymore.
Why did I stay? For my kids, for being married, because he kept us so much in debt that I couldn't leave, couldn't go home, got used to being quiet to have peace and just put up with it.
Is this NPD or passive/aggressive, emotional problems getting close, or just plain mean and nasty.
Stay the course. Dig through every single receipt you have. Find every single gas receipt, every single bank deposit, every single phone bill, and every other thing you can think of and start cross-referencing and organizing. Put it all in a binder with dates and times to significant events. This will be SO POWERFUL.
Once I started to dig through my "stored" paperwork (I thought for possible tax reasons) I was AMAZED at what I had. It took a lot of time and energy, but in the end I had a documented timetable of his actions, money trails, and our marital purchases. I also had ALL of my premarital property well documented that he was claiming was his.
My XNPDH was going for everything last thing in this house and then some. I did a video with still shots of every single item in question followed up with the receipt, canceled check or credit card transaction, etc. Then I had my attorney request any information from HIM to prove that he owned these items rather than him just saying he did.
The one thing he was not willing to let go was my horses, my horse trailer, and anything that went along
with the horses. I had owed the horses BEFORE we were married but for some reason he was claiming them as his.
I took photos of each horse. Then I included "baby" pictures of each horse in question with either me or my dad in the picture with the horse. I then pointed out all of the unique characteristics on that horse in the current photo that were also present on the horse as a baby, showing it was the same horse. I also showed registration papers listing ME is the owner from the time of birth. Receipts for the registration fees. receipts for vaccinations, hoof trimmings, shoes, veterinary bills, etc, all paid by me. Training cost, bills for boarding, on and on. The invoice and registration and title for the trailer. Insurance for the trailer, etc. It went on and on. Along with the video with the still shots I also put all of this in a binder with the photos and the documents in clear slip covers with tabs on the ends so you could open to each section easily. (I know. I was totally anal about the whole thing!)
When he FINALLY presented his evidence (after 12 weeks of delays) that he owned these horses that he had fought so hard to get and had spent so much money fighting for and claimed to have all of these "witnesses" he was bringing to court
to say so and claimed I was abusing them, etc, what do you suppose happened?
He came in with 3 receipts. One for a tank of gas for my truck. One for fixing a flat tire on my horse trailer and one receipt for ONE bag of oats.
The judge just about laughed them out of the courtroom and said this to his attorney, "Well Mike, if you borrow someone's car you put gas in it. The horses and the horse trailer are hers. What's next?"
[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:28 PM, October 14th (Friday)]