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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's neighbors from your home where he is still living, they are in a difficult position. They still have to live by him and they probably feel it best to keep the waters calm by staying agreeable with him. But you never know what is being said behind closed doors or when he is not around.

I'm glad to hear that you're on top of things. I totally understand being cryptic and even a little paranoid as you never know what these sneaky snakes are up to.

If you haven't already, talk to your doctor about adding some anti-depressants and maybe anti anxiety meds. I'm sure the last thing you want to do is take more pills. But, I will SWEAR until the day I die that those same pills are the reason I made it through my divorce sane. You have so much on your plate right now. Your health issues, this lunatic running around messing with your heart and head. They will really help you settle down and deal with things on a more rational level.

PM me if you want. I went through the NPD ringer with a nutcase. I had to deal with criminal court (him stalking and harassing) our divorce dragging on for YEARS, then when he didnt get anything ($) he sued me for liable and slander. He wanted 1M$.

I've been out of it now for some time now and I'm remarried. My divorce started in 2002. So my head is almost NPD clear. The scars remain, but the fear and the panic is gone.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:40 PM, October 4th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can try until you are blue in the face to explain to him how you feel about what he has done to you, and he will NEVER, ever get it. Not in a million years.

This is the nature of the beast. The lack of empathy. They CANNOT feel or understand another person's feelings or pain. Especially when they are the one who has inflicted that pain. Bizzare huh?

But then they go off into self preservation mode and destroy you further by demonizing you to anyone who will listen. Why? So he can be the victim. So he can receive sympathy.

This pretty much sums up my life lately. I've been lurking around the NPD thread off and on over the last year, and this is something I really wanted to NOT BE. But it is. I am trying to learn to accept it, but it's so shocking to see it in action.

N.P.D. = Ugly!

Here's my question....how many times do I stick my hand in the blender before I learn not to do that anymore???


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 4th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compartmented,

That was the hardest part for all of us here.....accepting what we have learned about our WS. We all started with noticing some of the characteristics. Then we started blatantly seeing them and more. Then we started studying and reading everything we could find on NPD. The next step is knowing we are/were married to an NPD.

We want so much not to believe it because we know it is untreatable and incurable.....We have no control of this. It means we have no control of our future......we can not stop the inevitable.....we have to give up hope. It is excrutiatingly painful to know you have to let your love for that person go. To face that you never were....and worse yet....never will be loved by the one you pledged your heart and life to.

We can not fix this. For the first time in most of our lives we can not make things right with the world. We feel powerless, hopeless, useless, and worthless. We are at our lowest point.

We have no choice but to start to rebuild from nothing. We have no foundation of the past to rebuild from. Rebuild who we are. Rewrite our future.

It is like reading a book almost all the way through and then someone rips out the last six chapters. We have to rewrite the future while our STBXes rewrite the marital history. Our past is being rewritten so we have no idea where to start to rewrite the future. We are lost and confused.

Prologue: Start to write a whole new book with the fairytale ending you deserve. I am just now reaching this point. It is exciting yet sad. I can not wait to start living the future. I am just now trying to figure out the finances and the logistics but it feels good to start looking forward for a change instead of looking back. Looking back means you are watching your history be destroyed just as you had to watch your future being destroyed.

I hope you can get to the point of letting go and moving forward. It will speed the healing tremendously.

Accept it, grieve it, and let go of it. Say goodbye to the WS and move toward the future. Anyone on here that has made it to the other side will tell you the same.

Read, Read, Read, and read some more. The more you learn the easier it is. Good luck and keep looking forward.....never look back.


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
SierraGrace
♀ Member
Member # 24259
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking of reading...I'm now reading "The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists."

Though it covers all types of relationships with NPD, including parents and work relationships, the romantic partner information is again GRIPPING, like I could have written it, verbatim. Scary but ultimately will continue to empower me, it's very enlightening, AND validating as to exactly how the relationship played out.


BSO(me): 50-ish! How did THAT happen?
~♥~ Fur-kids: 5 Cats ~♥~
Adopt a pet! Save a life!

Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sunrises to Sunsets
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a bundle of nerves today. I found out last night that my divorce has been filed. I looked it up and it shows he hasn't been served yet so I am having panic attacks cause I have no idea when he will be served. It will get really ugly around here so I won't be going to the door or answering the phone. I know he is going to flip out when he gets served. I am shaking like a leaf and have a stress headache due to this.

On a good note, I got my hair cut shorter today and I feel more like me. My daughter said that I look lighter, meaning that i am standing up straighter and acting happy. I do love my new hair cut and am so excited because I was also approved to get my doggie from the rescue.

Life would be wonderful if I wasn't sitting here in fear of every noice or person walking by or the phone ringing. Has anyone else's NPD flipped out when served divorce papers? How did you deal with it. Honestly I need advice cause he is going to go into an NPD rage when he gets them.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverybetrayed:

How awful that he has put you in a position where you feel so scared of him. Can you perhaps get away for a couple of days to a friend's or something. Just to get away from your environment?

Hang in there and NO don't answer the door if you feel he is a threat. Try and relax a bit (easier said than done I realise). Take the phone off the hook for a few hours. Go to a shopping mall (anything!) to get you away from his crap.

Hugs

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

soverybetrayed don't worry about the spreading of the lies. The proverbial "turn the other cheek" phrase comes to mind. Eventually lies DO catch up and once they do those lies are going to punch him so hard he's going to end up a baby again... ok not really but yeah lol

My XH did that non stop. Constantly lied about me. Lied, told stories, spun fairy tales. Guess what? The girl he was having an A with (yes cheating on the OW he cheated on me with LOL) happened to live upstairs in the apartment complex I moved into. Guess who met me and saw all the lies he told? Guess who realized that someone was a big fat POS liar? Guess who's my new best friend

SO don't worry about what he is spreading around. If people are going to listen to him and believe him without getting to know you OR hear your side then you don't need those people in your life. He's doing YOU a favor by weeding out the judgmental, hypocritical people that would you would have to, otherwise, have weeded out yourself.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 5th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVB,
If there has been a history of abuse prior to you filing, I would go to the court house tomorrow and request a protection order to be served along with the divorce papers. I know that will make him crazy too. But at least with the protection order you will have a legal reason to make the police take him away. And you will have a legal ground to stand where you or your county (depending on your state laws) can press charges. I KNOW it sounds like more drama and more BS that you don't need right now.

BUT, don't wait until he flips out and begins stalking and harassing before you try and get a PO. Then he could start playing the system by dodging the server, harassing you in the mean time, leaving the police with their hands tied and you scared out of your mind.

I say better safe than sorry. Get the PO now. Change the locks, change the phone numbers and block his emails.

I hope you're getting a BIG doggie or at least a doggie with a big bark.

You'll be ok. You will get through this. Remember, NO CONTACT is best.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Bobcap29
♂ Member
Member # 33137
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

divorce has been filed. I looked it up and it shows he hasn't been served yet


I don't know why they post these things on-line before the other party has been served. I had not said anything to anyone, but my NPD WW was checking the website everyday waiting for it to show up. Once it did she ran to her mother's and blasted to everyone there that I had filed and this was the end. DS was eating breakfast at the kitchen table at the time. He burst into tears and then they shipped him off to school. Blamed me for not preparing him for the divorce (i.e. Mom's blowup).

I to worried about what she might do, but in the end it was just a bunch of words hurdled at my parents by her and at me by my MIL (RO makes communication interesting).

However, get some mace or pepper spray just in case. These are really good non-lethal forms of protection and will really get him thinking about himself ,which he will love, and not what he wants to do to you ("ouch my eyes", "I can't see",......etc.)

Good Luck and take care.

[This message edited by Bobcap29 at 12:05 PM, October 6th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 37
HER : STBXW 33
DS 11, DD 13

Posts: 119 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobcap29, I agree with you. Every since I found it I have been freaking out that he will find out. My Atty emailed me today and asked if I wanted to go ahead with the divorce and I told them to serve him asap cause I can't take this waiting.

I am sick to my stomach today because I did what someone mentioned about googling a username and I found messages from my stbx that he had posted on a disgusting website. I feel like this is the only safe forum to post this. I discovered that while we were engaged he was posting pics of himself and talking about being with men. God I want to throw up it makes me so ill. It finally makes sense why he never wanted to have sex with me, he was either getting off with ho's or with men. Thank god I had my doc test me for HIV. My whole marriage has been one huge lie. I know the pics are of him even though they don't show his face, I know his body and hands. I just want to die, why did he marry me if he was into men? God I wonder now what else he is into. And he had the nerve to ask me how much of our lives I have posted on this message board. God at least I never ever posted filthy digusting pictures of myself on the internet. I really don't know how I am going to keep from losing it. Every part of our marriage was built on a lie. I was never given the opportunity to say I didn't want to be with someone like him. God I hate him right now. All the love I had for him died the minute I saw those pics and words.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 6th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(RO makes communication interesting).

That's the idea of an RO or a PO. NO communication. The only communication should be through your attorney.

SVB,
I feel so bad for you. My marriage was a total lie too. The only way out of this mess is to keep moving forward. Try not to listen to him. Don't worry about him finding your post here. You are a broken hearted woman who has been victimized, cheated on, lied to, and possibly exposed to deadly diseases by her husband. You have a RIGHT to reach out and ask for support. Let him TRY to somehow use your post against you. Seriously....can you imagine? That would only make him look MORE like the monster he really is.

This is the main reason why NC is so important with these lunatics. They play with your mind and manipulate you so badly that they cause you to believe YOU are the bad person.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Betty Betty
♀ Member
Member # 31714
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. This is my first post in this thread. I have been posting elsewhere and have received a few suggestions on threads and in PMs to check out NPD. I have to say, I am freaking out a little bit because I read this list below and I could have written it. I added an "X" beside the things my WH exhibits. I only put an "X" if I felt very strongly about it, not if I thought "Oh, yes, sometimes." In fact, many/most of things with an "X" are things I have repeatedly told him before having seen this list. I've told him using the same words (entitlement was the first one). I'm going to keep reading but wanted to say hi and that I'm looking forward to learning more now that I've fallen down this crazy rabbit hole.

In order to "qualify" as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:
X• Inability to empathy
X• Expects special treatment
X• Feeling of entitlement
X• Inability to admit that he or she is wrong (Betty - or at least to admit it and then not back out of it soon after)
X• Inability to receive criticism
X• Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
X• Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist (Betty - does not make him more rageful but tears don't have an impact where tears kill me when I see them in others)
• Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
X• Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
• Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
• In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
X• Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcisst supply)
X• Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the spouse of a narcissist is cheating on a narcissist, the spouse is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Apr 2011
Betty Betty
♀ Member
Member # 31714
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG this thread is seriously freaking me out.

I refused to take his bait and when he told me we were done I said "ok" and walked away. You would have thought that I shot him the way he came at me.

One of my WH's tactics is to respond to something I say with an over-the-top reply. I'll give you a real example. I say, "I'd like to talk about [something involving his kids]" His response, "Oh, that's right. My kids are terrible. They have a pure evil streak. They are horrible kids." Usually I perform all sorts of gymnastics trying to explain that is NOT what I said or meant. But twice lately, I just agreed with HIS statement with, "Yes, that true." or something like that. The first time he told me "Fuck you" the next 6-8 times I talked to him. And he kept saying he could not BELIEVE I would say that. Uh, I didn't say it.

I'm going to keep reading but this is really freaky. Things are finally making sense. I'm so glad others sent me over here.


Posts: 283 | Registered: Apr 2011
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betty betty: I'm not a psychiatrist, but I've lived with NPD's in my FOO and then my ex. I also read a lot of your husband's posts, and I don't get the NPD vibe from him. Is he a "well person?" Absolutely not. Could he have a different diagnosis, including another PD? It's possible.

If he has a personality disorder, then you need to get out now. Trying to figure him out will do you no good, and you will learn a lot from his reactions once he is left alone.

Good luck!


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just looked up the divorce online and now it states that he was served on 10/6. I haven't gotten an email or phone call from him and that is not what I expected. Now I am wondering what is up. I know that when he read that I as seeking spousal support he would go into a drunken rage. I was positive he would be non stop calling and emailing me.

My Atty said they filed for an RO so could he have been served that also? Dont I have to go to court to get an RO? That may be why I haven't heard from him. Maybe I was granted an RO and he can't contact me. This silence is scarier than waiting for him to be served was.

Does anyone know how to check for an RO?

thanks


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVB, I think you should call your attorney on the RO. At a minimum, he/she can tell you how to find out if it's been issued and served.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betty,
Welcome. Keep reading.

SVB,
I would call your attorney to find out for sure what's going on. I wouldn't rely on a website.

Also keep in mind that an NPD doesn't always react with rage and violence. One of their other common reactions is to slither away with NO reaction at all. If this is the case, consider yourself lucky.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, October 10th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVB, my divorce papers had an RO written into them. Check with your lawyer. Dickhead turned positively angelic post-divorce. He maintained zero contact with me except for things he wanted from the house after he left.

But you're right... the silence is scary when you're not used to it...


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, October 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SVB, They react differently depending on their needs. Mine raged and stabbed me when she was cornered in her lies. But when she no longer needed me to fulfill her NPD need.....she threw me away and has not looked back. I became yesterday's garbage. She got someone else to fulfill that need....someone to financially support her. The only time I heard from her is when SHE needed something from ME. If I refused... I got the anger/rage. I seldom refused....ugh

He may just not need you for anything right now. Don't stress over not hearing from him. Just take it as a sign that you did the right thing. You have not heard the last from him. Just do not let the curiosity get the best of you and make you send out a feeler(do not contact him). He will probably try to wait you out so that he has control. He needs you to flinch first and then he will be all over you, trying to manipulate you back into submission. Stay strong and stay focused. This will really put the rollercoaster into super extreme.

He may


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 11th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I so very much appreciate all of you. I really didn't think that things could get worse after my last discovery but they have (not infidelity related).

I just came back from the dermatologist for some things that I had been told by another derm were nothing to worry about and found out I have skin cancer. They did biopsies and will let me know in a week if they have to do some major removal. I really don't need any more right now because I have so much already. I have Chronic Epstein Barr, Fibromyalgia, Alopecia, Lupus and now skin cancer. When I need my spouse the most I can't reach out to him. I am scared to death because these things have been on my face for 3 years and that stupid original derm said they were nothing important. I honestly don't know how to cope with this much at once. In 4 months I have lost my marriage, gotten numerous dx's and found out I have skin cancer just like my mom did. Is God trying to tell me to just give the hell up and fall apart?

I need to be able to talk to my stbx but I know that I can't but I want to tell him that he got what he wanted. When I was really sick he told me that at least if I had cancer he would know it was real. Well, ain't he lucky cause I do have cancer! Maybe he will become a widower instead of a divorced man.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
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