Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread part 9
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear that your birthday was uneventful. I am so glad that you didn't spend the weekend at home. Curious tho, how did he handle it? Did he throw a fit when you got home or are you getting the silent treatment for not asking him if you could do it?

You have been put through the ringer, he has worn you out with the highs and lows of his NPD. You are always on guard waiting for the rage you know is coming but you are never sure when it will hit so you are tense all the time. That crap wears you out cause you can't relax.

Thanks for letting me mama bear and worry about you.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, September 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

svb, in a moment of pique, nay! whatsayyouness?! (reflecting the whole tribe's feelings)

One of the things...maybe the greatest thing the NPD fears is abandonment.
Hide your plans.
Hide your mind, play dumb. Hide your intentions.
Hide your plans.
School your reactions to dumb misunderstanding, incomprehension.
Practice saying what? what? when you have to say something, otherwise it's wise
to close your lips and look stupid. (They'll sooner seek supply
somewhere else if you sell it well)
Anything requiring a multisyllabic explanation quit! and keep it to yourself, the deepest parts of your understanding of things,
the things you use as medicines to heal yourself...
will become poisons if they become known to them.
Culture silence.

Give NO WARNING of your intentions.

Remember every fear sphinctering knife-in-your-throat bad episode, and paint no target on your heart with revealings.

Practice not letting the right hand knowing what the left hand's doing. It's really not that hard when you think about it.

You and we have been doing it for quite awhile now.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, September 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jjct thanks for that post !!! I laughed at the pic (because that is so totally me at times) and really liked your suggestions at how to react or act around npd's.

Thanks I needed a laugh after the day I've had :)


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, September 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love the pic, make me laugh. That is me if you cross me know. I got my MamaBear back!! Of course to him I am all, what? sure? ok? gotta go.

I am NOT gonna poke THAT bear. I am just bidding my time till I file for divorce and then them papers will POKE the bear. I will NOT be answer my phones or reading emails and will live on this board.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
MtnMama
♀ Member
Member # 33151
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I've read through so many of the NPD threads here I am starting to realize that my WH fits 90% of the criteria.
He corrects my speech sometimes or says that he can't understand what I'm trying to say. I wanna say"Pick your damn ears and listen"!!!
While he is a very intelligent person, he is constantly putting down people for their intelligence level (not as great as his! hmmph)
Used to, he was very patient with people, salepeople etc. Now if something doesn't go his way, he mouths off. He does this in traffic too. Yesterday, we were trying to get a copy of his medical records and they would not give them to him (they were rude) and he chimes into the already tense situation "Must be abouve your pay grade!" This did nothing to impress anyone. Pissed the clerk even more.

I see this angry behavior increasing with other situations. He doesn't verbalize being angry with me. I know it's there. I can read people without them even saying a work.

While he has never hit me or his ex-wife (I asked her). I am worried about all this anger. I hope his IC helps him with this.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, September 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MtnMama, it sounds like his anger is escalating. Does he drink? This was the time that my stbx's rages would come out but only at me. Mine was also always talking about his employees and how stupid they were. Used to drive me insane because it was just down right nasty. Driving with my stbx was a nightmare because no matter what he HAD to be right and he HAD to be first at the stop light. When he was drunk and driving without me, he told me he drives at 125mph on one of our tollways. Scares me to death cause karma is gonna get him but it will hurt somenone else.

Just watch his eyes when he gets angry and starts those rages. The eyes seem to go dead, souless, and cold. Be very careful not to pisses him off especially in front of anyone. He will be all haha laugh it off but behind closed doors he will rage at you. My stbx never actually hit me but he was ready to at our last fight. So please be careful.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* Ready??? "Ignore my NPD Ex, Ignore my NPD ex, Ignore my NPD ex..." this is my mantra.

It is SOOOO hard to just act ho hum and all ... "Huh? What?" around them. Especially when they are so good at ribbing and getting attention.

Went to oldest DD's open house at school. Teachers say she is doing great, all her grades are in the 80's and 1 in the 90's. SHe has been doing really good with listening and paying attention. I praised her and told her how proud I was of her. I told her that I was really proud of her hitting the 9th grade with full force and for diving in and just getting homework done right off the bat.

So Ex and OW go to the night open house with her. DD14 did not want to go again and with him ..... he comes in and dropped her off and right off the bat started in about how she needs to pay more attention and that she has some "extra" credit to do tonight. How she has missing grades for each class already and blah blah blah blah.

My DD is standing there like "GOD not again why try" attitude ... and I couldn't help myself.

I just ripped into him ... which was dumb I KNOW!!! I berated him and belittled him and was just basically like "Are you slow or were you just not paying attention to the teacher? ALL the kids have missing homework grades because a few of those were because they have either A.) not been graded yet or B.) were not due till tomorrow (which is today)."

He got all huffy puffy and was like "Well I just wanted to touch base with you because I thought we were suppose to be communicating about this"

I just told him that I was there, I talked to the teachers so I know and SAW her grades. She's doing really good and just lay off.

Grrrrrrr I swear I am moving far away the first chance I get.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know this will seem like a stupid question, but how did you know that your WS had NPD?

I have a sneaking suspicion that it could be his diagnosis....looking back now things seem very clear. The past 10+ years of our marriage, he has only been concerned about what he wanted. He either disregarded or ignored everything I wanted or needed. This allowed him to get to where he had an affair.

I guess that is my question...how do you know? And once you find out, is there anything that can be done to fix it?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here are the traits of an NPD and you may also want to read the book Narcissist Lover. It is a great book.

In order to "qualify" as a narcissist, a person must meet some or all of the below criteria:
• Inability to empathy
• Expects special treatment
• Feeling of entitlement
• Inability to admit that he or she is wrong
• Inability to receive criticism
• Unexpected, strong bursts of rage in situations that would not trigger rage in normal people. There aggressive outbursts are referred to as narcissistic rage.
• Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist
• Perceives oneself as omnipotent, superior individual
• Strong need for admiration. Admiration serves as a form of a narcissistic supply. Without sufficient amount of narcissistic supply a narcissist feels empty and unsatisfied. A narcissist is like a drug addict, and narcissistic supply in its different forms is the drug.
• Is often envious and mocks other people (often behind their back)
• In the beginning of the relationship idealizes one's partner and often talks about supreme, never-ending love. However as the relationship proceeds a narcissist often withdraws his or her attention and may become cold and uncaring, even cruel.
• Is often untruthful and due to this often ends up cheating in a relationship. Cheating is often a consequence of other traits of a narcissist, such as the feeling of entitlement (it is impossible for a narcissist to do anything wrong and so a narcissist does not perceive cheating to be a huge "crime"), inability to emphasize with the cheated partner and the need for admiration (narcisst supply)
• Double standards: A narcissist twists the rules so that they fit to the current needs of a narcissist. For example, if the spouse of a narcissist is cheating on a narcissist, the spouse is considered to be dishonest and bad person, whereas if a narcissist is cheating it is not wrong, because a narcissist simply "fell in love" and followed his or her heart. Double standards also apply to other areas in life.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, September 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^ This is WH totally, especially this:
• Does not react to tears. If other person starts crying due to the cruel behavior of a narcissist, that may even aggravate the rage of a narcissist


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shit. That sounds like him. I looked online a little, even showed him the sites I was looking at.

Even he agreed that it's probably the right diagnosis.

So, now what?


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worst - This is what I am asking - what next? From everything I read it is not treatable. I just picked up "Disarming the Narcissist" to see if I can minimally figure out how to COMMUNICATE with this illogical/irrational creature without nearly having a breakdown from the immeasurable frustration that he causes. I don't think I have the strength to deal with this for the rest of my life.


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: Can anyone else with an NPD WS share their experiences with IC/MC?
When my NPD WH went with me to MC he seemed to try to "outwit" the therapist, trying so desperately to prove his point, that the therapist had to ask him to leave. I recalled him telling me that, prior to our moving in together, he had attempted therapy buy had a "falling out " with the therapist. When I went to IC and told him what my IC said to me he would get so angered and want to call her to confront her.
Is this common for NPDs????


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
MtnMama
♀ Member
Member # 33151
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sovery,

My husband is an alcoholic/addict and he is NOT using. However, he has quit going to meetings and is on a "dry drunk" where all the addictive behavior is there without the booze or drugs.

Now, he is so not the person I married and was actually working his recovery program.
I'm concerned and know that he's not far from a relapse. I can't keep him from it. It just hurts. I keep an eye on his anger and have plans for getting the hell out if I need to.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found my WS simply lied to the therapist to get them on "his side". I told our MC that he was not telling her the truth, and was not digging around in his psyche to get to the root of the problem. She said he seemed to be doing "great", and within months he was cheating again.

They think they are smarter than everyone.

Oh, and the accolades my WS must have!

So, he only sees the children e/o weekend. He is told that he "won some award at work" and can't keep the kids tonight.

To me, if I only saw my children 4 days a month...I certainly wouldn't waste a single minute. But for him, the more important thing is to have everyone "recognize" what a great job his departments are doing. He could have sent someone else from his department to accept the award for him...but, nope...he'd rather ditch his kids!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, separated 3 years, together 17
Alis volat propriis "She flies with her own wings"
separated 1/2011

Posts: 3616 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MtnMama, without the meetings he will relapse. When did you WH go into rages? I really believe that when they drink/use the rages get out of control. I have no idea why when my stbx was drunk he would be Mr. Wonderful to everyone but me. Please be careful as he is white knuckling it and that never works.

worst-year-ever if you are dealing with an NPD this is incurable and they are not sure why it happens. Most believe that something happened in their childhood that left them unsure of themselves or feeling unloved and unwanted. They seek strong independent people to use as "supply", it fills the black sucking hole in their soul. If you are lucky enough to get your WS into counseling it will be a test of wills. NPD vs IC as and NPD is never ever wrong. MOst won't go to counseling because they would have to face their demons and they refuse to do so. Plus they didn't do anything wrong, it is all your fault.

imustbeafool, you can never win an argument with an NPD. They will deflect and turn it around on you until you sit there going WTF? And you will believe that you are in the wrong. They play mind games on you and they ever so subtly beat you down until you have no self esteem or self worth. You are always wrong no matter if you prove to them you are right. If you make them mad they will "punish" you by sulking and not speaking to you for days and then when they are done sulking they will act like it never happened. If you haven't seen the NPD rage then count yourself very lucky because it is a scary thing. I wasn't able to get my stbx into counseling because he doesn't believe in it. Said they are all more screwed up than he is. Even when I made it a requirement for reconciliation he refused. Trying to figure them out is impossible unless you spend time disecting your marriage. If you look back over all the years you will begin to see a pattern of demeaning you, punishment, nasty comments, some do name calling, gripes over small things, belittling others, they must have lots of people who adore them, they have to be the center of attention even while later tearing those same people down to you.

If you haven't read Narcissist Lover you should pick it up. I read that book after I discovered the affairs trying to figure out how he could say I'm sorry and then igrnore it and also how he could desert me when I was too ill to even get out of bed. What I read shocked me because it was as if they had lived in my home. Mine is 100% NPD. An NPD will walk all over anyone if it means they get the attention. I will never understand how my stbx could get drunk every weekend even when we had our grandchild for the weekend. I begged him not to drink on those weekends but he told me that they were his weekends and he would get drunk if he wanted. He didn't care that she was seeing his so drunk that he passed out on the sofa and couldn't speak when she talked to him. He didn't care that she was losing all respect for him because he was hanging out with his new ho right in front of me and her. It was all about him and his needs. They have no ability to truly love anyone else. They mirror love because they can't really feel it.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so my rant for today. I got the usual call on day 6 from stbx and he was telling me something trivial. Then he asked about the grandchild for the first time in weeks. He started complaining that people outside weren't doing anyting he was interested in so he came inside. Sounded upset. Later I stupidly emailed him and asked if he was ok (he honestly sounded suicidal). He emailed me back today and tells me that "I know your tired of hearing this but I am just living one day at a time. I have some good days and some not so good days".

Well this pissed me off really bad. WTF? He is the one who refused to reconcile because he won't give up the ho, won't quit drinking, and won't answer my questions about his affairs. Those were my conditions to reconcile. He is also the one lying to everyone that I left him cause I did love him and that we are divorcing cause I won't be friends with one of the "neighbors" other word for ho. This man lived just like he was single. He went whereever he wanted, did what he wanted, stayed out getting drunk till 2.3.4.5am, went to strip clubs whenever, bascially did everything a single guy does. I thought the one thing he wasn't doing was screwing other women but surprise to me he did that too. And he has the nerve to tell me that he "wasn't happy being married". So why the hell is he "taking it one day at a time" and that he is having not so good days?

He wanted the divorce I didn't but now that I am fine with it he wants to play the poor wounded husband? I want to rip him a new a$$hole. How dare he act like this separation is hurting him? He is sitting in our house, making 7x the money I make, has plenty of money to get whatever he wants, hangs with a ho, and gets drunk all the time so how is his life so bad? And he wasn't happy being married? What the hell ever, I was the only one married, what did he have to bitch about? I swear I want to drive over there and scream at him and smack him in the face but instead I am here venting to you guys. Help me not to drive over there and hurt him.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Being an AWESOME ME!
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

svb, don't bother getting upset. You know better. When you didn't want to divorce, you were his supply. Now that you are ok with it, he has to play the victim to get attention aka supply. Its just what they do. The next time you hear about his one day at a time nonsense, just say 'oh, ok' and move on. The sooner you don't join his pity party the sooner he'll stop having one. You know all of this already, but sometimes hearing it from someone else helps put it into perspective. I know that was true for me and I cannot thank you enough!

for all - therapy for an NPD is a waste of time unless they truly want help. If they are going so that a therapist can 'see which of yours nutcase' or to prove any other point, that isn't them wanting it. That is them dragging someone else into their NPD games.

NODs mirror others. They will use their years of knowledge about what makes use 'normal' people tick to fool the therapist. I have seen this firsthand, and I have since read it is quite common. They say all the right things to make the therapist see what they want the therapist to see, which might be anything, except for the real person. Its an incredible waste of time and money. Also, you'll get your hopes up thinking things will get better, but all you'll get is an NPD telling you that 'even a therapist thinks there is nothing wrong' with them.

when things get bad and you're listening to all of the things that are wrong with you and all of the reasons that nothing is wrong with them, I recommend repeating the following four words to yourself over and over while you pack a bag to leave:

'I AM NOT CRAZY. I AM NOT CRAZY. I AM NOT CRAZY.'

say it over and over to remind yourself that you aren't crazy, and to drown out some of the esteem shattering nonsense you're being forced to listen to.

when your NPD says that its not them, its you, just remember that no one that loved someone else would want to hurt you the way NPDs love hurting you.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
Llanden
♀ Member
Member # 10402
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, September 24th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just remember that no one that loved someone else would want to hurt you the way NPDs love hurting you.


I think this statement goes for anyone who has loved and been hurt.

Someone who loves you would do anything and everything in their power to never hurt you. Love isn't suppose to hurt.


"If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
“Who makes everything we experience happen? You. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” Sweat Pea from Sucker Punch
BS 35
DD's 14, 7 and 5

Posts: 567 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: New York
imustbeafool
♀ Member
Member # 33381
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 25th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Svb : thanks for the explanation and I'm so sorry for what you STILL endure.

I recognize everything you said about the NPD never being wrong and deflecting until you are WTF!! WH does this a lot. But he has recognized what he has done and seems genuinely (?) upset that he hurt me. But he also continues to have affairs, shuts down when caught, gets angry at me, then next day apologizes for hurting me (heartfelt), says he understands if I leave that he's put me through alot and he doesn't want me unhappy, I deserve better blah, blah. After a day or 2 he acts like it never happened, starts talking about our future plans together and when I sound sad/distant he will say, in a truly puzzled and concerned way, "what's wrong?" what do you think? He will then entertain discussion for a bit appearing remorseful and understanding of my plight until I say something trivial that he takes offensive and will blow it up into a huge screaming match, him hanging up the phone or walking out. Then he will come back and try to talk after I'm broken. This pattern has happened almost exactly more times than I cam count.

Emego: somehow the therapists he's gone to have seen through him. But oh how he tries. He's either not smart enough or they have dealt with NPD before. He also has made what seemed to be genuine attempts at therapy. But he also maintains that he believes people only will change when they are ready. I'm like well if all of your failed relationships and our family aren't enough to warrant change i don't know what will. He is control freak and I believe he feels as if he loses control when submitting to therapy. I told him he other day that he can't even control himself or his addiction so so much for control. He didn't like that dose of truth so much.


IMBA

Posts: 56 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.