Don't cover for him, don't try to hide the drinking problem...let him see what the consequences are.
That being said...I agree with Betrayed...you need to do what you can to help yourself. Go to IC , ALANON...maybe reading some books: Marriage On the Rocks by Woititz and Reclaim Your Family From Addiction by Naaken are two books that I found helpful.
Also Hazelden.org is a great web site for books and pamphlets on addiction and support for the families of addicts.
I'm actually D from alcoholic fwh but have had a renewed relationship that led to an accidental pregnancy of which I am about 14 weeks along, so I do see him regularly and love him dearly to this day. He had been doing well, attending meetings, etc., but the pregnancy derailed him.
It was his birthday yesterday and he is staying with the kids and I temporarily. We blew out candles, had a special dinner and nestled in for night time stuff. He and I watched part of a movie which he asked to pause because he wanted to meet the guys for a beer.
I was surprised, but didn't say anything and didn't expect to see him again last night. He stumbled in at 3 AM, I stupidly asked him where he had been since where he said he was going closed at 12. He told me it was none of my "f---ing" business and passed out on the floor.
I moved his heavy ass so the kids didn't have to wake up to that but was devastated.
I know he is sick and I know this should not even hurt me. I have made a decision this morning to move the 2000 miles back home with my parents. I am so disappointed, after all of these years that there he is acting the same way, after the past 2+ yars of work.
I can't wait until he wakes up and leaves.
Anyway, just needed to cry it out on here so I have the strength to not say anything to him.
And to remind myself, this person is not worthy of my love and he has no power over me.
Sorry you are going through this.
If not the pregnancy it probably would have been something else derail him. Do not take it upon yourself or your unborn child the responsibility for which you have no control. It was his choice to drink, no one or no thing "made" him do it. He alone made that choice to leave last night to drink and would have done so whether or not you objected.
Do what is best for you and your children. With an alcoholic even in recovery there are no assurances that they will not drink tomorrow, only they did not drink today. What has happened with you is what I fear with my xWW, that she will relapse because she has not done the work in her life to help her achieve sobriety, not merely stop drinking.
You are right in a person only has the control/power over you that you give them. Take control of what you can in the situation, what you will do. Your WS may or may not hit bottom and correct his life. That is his to own and his to do. Good luck with your life and in making the choices that are best for you and your children.
Your children do not need to see their father this way or have this in their life. You do not need it either. Until he gets sober and stays sober there is nothing now you can do but protect yourself and your children from any further hurt.
Sober he is probably the man you have always loved, but he is not sober. He doesn't appear to want to be sober. It isn't a measure of how much he loves you or the kids, it is because he has a disease. Any time you get between him and his bottle he will strike out at you. He will protect it before he will protect you are the kids. So please do the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Let him go. Let him hit the bottom without you there to cushion it for him. It is what I had to do and it hurt something awful, but it had to be done.
I know first hand how hard these choices are. With a baby on the way, even harder for you. My heart reaches out to you and my prayers.
[This message edited by tryingtwo at 9:43 AM, September 13th (Tuesday)]
I made it to a meeting last night and am already feeling better. I so appreciate your responses. It is the disease and I was able to handle the situation with appropriate detachment. I have a lot of packing to do.
Try to focus on yourself and your children for now. What is best for all of you?
Take care of your health.
Try to keep going to ALANON meetings. If you can go to IC.
Moving back home is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you have made a decision that you believe is best for yourself and your children.
I hope that your family will surround you with the love, care, and understanding that you need right now.
Keep up going to the meetings when you get there if you can.
Your FWXH has not hit bottom yet. He may never 'get it'.
In that case he will be missing out on life, missing out on a relationship with his children.
For now...you need to take care of yourself and your children.
If it takes moving cross country to do that...so be it.
Maybe..when that happens..he will begin to see the light.
One day at a time.
It's coming together slowly and the kids and I will be on our way soon.
hugs to you too healingtree and everyone else out there.
You'll always love the man inside, the man he could be if alcohol was not in the picture. Take care of yourself and children. You're doing the right thing. I know how you feel.
Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.
I appreciate your understanding and kindness
That was over a year ago, he took himself and his toothbrush.
He does not call, answer his phone, call our college age kids. When some serious things happened, he did not call back.
I can't take it anymore, I stay up until 4 am I try to sleep when he is awake, I call crisis lines all night, cry all the time.
I finally left him a message a few weeks ago...I can't take this anymore I don't want to live like this anymore, please file you can have everything I want nothing. What did he do he did nothing.
He told me once that our years met nothing to him.
I am destroyed, I am in hell.
I am really sorry this happened to you.
I don't think my post is helpful. I want to say I am so sorry. I hope you find solace and peace and I am so sorry. I don't know what to say, I am so stunned myself.
I remember my husband how he was before the drinking got bad, he really is a different person now. I feel your exH must have changed very much from his drinking. I am very sorry for you and your children, and him. I feel very sad.
That expression...things won't change unless something changes
When you go through your day, watch the trees and the way the wind hits the leaves, and birds. When I see waves at the beach or a river with rocks, I think, those waves or this river has been here such a long time, before any people were here, and there it is, solid there steady.
I am sending you a big (((hug)))
Please take care
[This message edited by crickett at 5:30 PM, September 19th (Monday)]
Addiction can change a person.It sounds like it has changed your husband.
For him to totally forget about his family, his children, and to say those awful things to you ...it shows how toxic his world has become.
All you can do is to try to stay strong and healthy for yourself and your children.
Are you in IC? Have you seen a doctor to ask about meds for anxiety, stress, and depression?
I needed to do both. That was how I survived d-day...and I had a remorseful FWH. I can't imagine what a wreck I would be if he had behaved like your husband has.
Please take care of yourself. Your children need you.
Update on my FWH...he relapsed over a month ago after four years sober (but not recovered). We talked and I told him I was not travelling this road with him again.
He said he fell off the wagon, but would get right back on it. He refused to go to AA or find any other outside help, thinking he could do it on his own.
This past week, he got off work early and said he was going to go fishing...didn't hear from him again and so around 8pm I started calling his cell phone incessantly. Finally I got a call back - it was his "buddy" from work, saying that he was hammered, partying, and in no condition to drive, so he was just going to stay there for the night.
Eventually my H made it home that night, but I was done. I said nothing, nothing nothing what was there to say? He knows.
When he woke up in the morning, he asked me where he could find an AA meeting.
He went to his first meeting last night, (small area, he tried to find another the night before but no one showed up, I know I saw the parking lot!) and says he will pursue sobriety, and continue with the meetings.
My hope level is down fairly low right now as far as it working out, but if he does continue with the program, and gets involved with it and the people who are also in recovery, well, I will stay and see what happens.
There are a lot of problems in us getting along as a family. But looking at it now, I see alot of that has to do with him being a dry drunk for four years. I told him that his resentment of us is hurtful, and it stems from the fact that we stand between him and what he wants - the freedom to pursue his choice to self medicate and dive into hell.
He can't have it both ways...a family, a wife, a life, and then be party boy on the side. I told him if I was standing in the way of what he wants, I will leave.
I am ready to leave if I have to.
It has to change or I will.
I know that I cannot cajole him into doing what I want, he has to do it for himself. Which is why I say very little at this point in time, and let him make his own choices.
One day at a time.
We will see.
Thanks for your continued support, and hoping you all find some peace today.
I hope it work out the best for you, whatever that may be. It sounds like you have realized what you have control over and that should help you do what is best for you.
Take care of you.
Same with infidelity. Just stopping the cheating is not enough. You need to do a lot of work to try to change the toxic thinking that caused you to behave in such a destructive manner.
Tell your husband not to give up trying to find an AA meeting.My FWH went to quite a few different meetings when he did the first 90 meetings on 90 days and he said that each meeting had a different feel to it, different people attending etc. He did find one meeting where he feels especially comfortable.
Hopefully, your husband will find a good match also.
I do feel that going to AA, listening to all the stories, dealing with all the issues that addicts and alcoholics have-dishonesty, lies, selfishness, etc. applies to infidelity as well as alcoholism.
And can help both of you recover from all of this.
been together 13 years.
Dday: 2 many 2 count
Needing the support to go through with the divorce that I need to have
Sorry for your hurt. Alcoholism is a disease of the family, hurt all involved, not just the one with the disease. Yes, if only you had kept the house cleaner, and all the other things, he would have still found a reason to drink. The alcoholic will always find some reason that "makes" them that is not their fault. They had to because of you, their job, the phase of the moon, something that takes the responsibility away from them.
You can't make him change. You can't make him sober. that is something he has to do for himself.
All you can control is what you will do. Take care of yourself and your children. Support your WS by not enabling him. Have you tried al-anon? While it is not for everyone, there you can realize you are not alone.
I don't have the children this weekend so I got up and drove to the beach to watch the sunrise. Today is a new day, a new beginning, on the day that started the journey to ending my marriage. Today I will focus on Forgiveness.
Hard to forgove while drama continues with court and lawyers over her wanting more visitaion with her ultimate hope of getting custody. Hard to forgive while continuing to battle the insanity of a dry drunk who is still pushing out her problems on you.
I may forgive which is to end the hurt for me, but not to say what she has done is ok, or that I want her in my life again. The forgiveness needs to be for me. So I can move on.
((((crickett)))) I am so sorry. Hope you can find peace.
I believe my H has reached the point of no return. Said at work all he thinks about is when he gets off so he "can have a cold one". PATHETIC. It is just pathetic. I am out of energy to help and I can't really it's HIM who has to make the choice.
I don't say anything to him anymore. He knows the drill. He knows if he gets caught it's going to cost us $$$$ and he's still paying off his last DUI fines to the state so he can get his license fully restored. If that's not insanity, I don't know what is.
I've told him to counter the thoughts of 'wanting a cold one' and to say instead to himself, "no, I don't want one, I want a nice iced tea or a soda" or anything but alcohol. It worked for a while but he's too weak to fight the thoughts. It's consumed him.
So sad he's missed out on our children's lives, his memory is full of false 'memories' because he's been drunk for 10 years. A freaking decade!!!
Only a few times did he try to get sober during this time. But excuses came back by the boatload, 'I can have just one', 'I can handle it', 'Everyone else does'...you've all probably heard the SAME crap spill from their mouths. But 'one' ALWAYS turns into four or five...
I am trying to find peace for myself. I wish a decade ago when I was alarmed by his sudden increase in alcohol that I'd have taken a firm kick-ass stand against it. I didn't know the depth of depravity alcohol brings some people to.
But I'm no longer going to blame myself for not recognizing signs and symptoms. I had my own stuff to deal with, health issues, a full time job... And taking care of our three children was the most important thing to me and I stood alone in that and so much more for this past decade.
I have come to see his absolute selfishness. His filthy A was about him, his drug and alcohol use are all about him. What a WASTE of a life...