The kids have been in counseling since March 2010. My son has made a great deal of progress, but still has a ways to go. He deals with feelings of abandonment and anxiety in addition to ADD. He was angry at me for the divorce. I was the safe parent, the one who wouldn't run away and leave him. She's seized on his anger as how she's better than me since she can never admit it was her and her disease. My daughter craves attention of adult women. She want so much a relationship with her mother. I don't think xWW can do it since she never had a healthy relationship with her alcoholic mother.
My xWW presents well. She's attractive, articulate, and highly educated (PhD). My lawyer has done a good job of getting my side across - but at a price $$$$$.
No matter how I feel about my xWW it is in the best interest of the children she does well. I wish she would pull her head out of where ever she has it firmly planted and work on herself. Demonstrate she can manage life before she tries to care for our children alone. Not drinking is just the start on the road to sobriety, not the end of the journey.
Mistress #1 = ALCOHOL
Mistress #2+= Whoever supports and helps rationalize Mistress #1.
As a byproduct of the disease, we grow accustomed to enabling, and accepting less than we deserve in a loving relationship. I believe this makes it even harder for us in some ways... to stand up for ourselves and end the relationship after an A.
I never would have found the strength to leave and I was terrified that he would. Well, he left and (after I picked myself up and glued myself back together) I thank god everyday that he did. I finally feel "balanced" in my own life.
He spent the year after he left with mistress #1 and mistress #2. He lost his job (a really really good job), lost his unsupervised visitation and overnights with our kids, and almost drank himself to death. Somehow he managed to get sober and get his life on track. OW #2 is still with him and their bond is even stronger because she helped him in his recovery. He sees his kids again and is more engaged with them than he was when he was living with them. So I am grateful for that. But I know that OW #1 is still lurking around and I still assess his actions, demeanor, and breath everytime he picks up the kids. He never fully admitted that he is an alcoholic. Thinks it was a MLC where his drinking "got out of hand." He forgets that I have been witness to his drinking/drunkenness for 20 years, long before he hit midlife. He never worked the steps of AA, just went for show. While I do beleive he is sober, I know he didn't address the reasons for his drinking or the damage it caused. So I wait.....from a safe distance.
[This message edited by lorilook at 9:38 AM, March 11th (Sunday)]
I hate what alcoholism does to the entire family, not just the alcoholic.
Yes, all the family suffers from one persons addiction. It destroys lives.
betrayed: someday your children will understand and thank you for not abandoning them.
It's a shame that your wife is wasting her life like so many do.
Stay strong and keep fighting.
[This message edited by Why?? at 1:18 PM, March 19th (Monday)]
Take care, Why??
Like most of you, I have a very long story. I will attempt to shorten it up!
My WH is the product of two alcholics. My father was one as well. We talked about this before we were married. I told him that I did not want to be married to an alcholic and he didn't either. I have learned that these things he said were basically meaningless.
WH had an affair with a skank that reported to him. It didn't last long before I figured it out. He continued to work with it for 18 months after D-Day. Then lost his job.
I thought things would get better if the skank wasn't in our daily lives and for awhile it seemed as though they were.
It took H a long time to get a job. I guess during that time off of work he started to drink on the sly. Just a constant thing so there wasn't anything overt that said "YOO WHOOO, I am drunk!!"
I just noticed that every now and again that he would have one beer and seemed a little too tipsy. And our arguments seemed to escalate quickly and he became the grand lecturer. It ws hell.
Then he started a job....and hated it. Instead of coping with the fact that he had to start helping support this family, he turtled and started drinking more heavily. Which of course meant that he started doing worse at work which made it an even worse job. All the while he is blaming me for his shitty life.
In December I got him to go see a doctor. Doc prescribed an AD. Well, H almost killed himself with these as he was taking them multiple times a day on top of the bourbon. I had to take the AD's away from him before he died.
Then in January, he got the 'flu'. I honestly thought he was sick. But you know better don't you? He had the bourbon flu. I found out because I took him to the ER. He couldn't fill out his name on the intake card. The doctor was not so nice. He was about triple the legal limit. I was PISSED. Read him the riot act. Told him I was done. I was NOT going to be married to a drunk. Period.
As you guessed, that didn't stop him. I told him that he could not attend our son's hockey game unless he was sober. He had 3 days to sober up, didn't do it. So he spent the weekend detoxing.
I tried to get him to go to AA. To do something. To get some support. Wouldn't do it.
He was shortly back to drinking again. Made a huge hockey weekend into a nightmare. Ended up trying to detox while we were on the road. Ended up in the ER after suffering from a mild seizure. This doc gave him meds to get him through.
So far as I can tell he hasn't had anything to drink since then. It has been 3 weeks.
He still has no support group. Just doing it to prove everyone wrong.
I don't think this will last. He will be back on it eventually.
I am dead instead. After the A, working with the Ho for so long, the unemployment and now this (Oh and he lost the new job too)I just have nothing left. Then to top it off, it feels like he is doing the 180 on me. I am like 'whatever'. I feel like I am getting him through all his life's issues and it is killing me in the process. In the end, I will be the one alone....
Is this normal? What am I in for here?
Thanks for reading.
You need to do a lot of work on yourself to figure how you got to this point or else you will continue to make the same mistakes.
After d-day my FWH went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs and he went to AA meetings.
At first he went to 90 meetings in 90 days. He still attends AA now-5 yrs post d-day.
For him, for us- AA was crucial.
The combination of IC and AA truly changed my FWH.
I have previously recommended books by Craig Naaken. They were also very helpful for me: The Addictive Personality and Reclaiming Your Family from Addiction.
NJgal is right. Seek out Alanon, they are a great help.
You are not alone here..
So sorry you are here.
I can relate to the closet drinker and many of the other things you mention, such as your WH having alcoholism in his family. You would think it would repulse those who had lived through it, but it doesn't. Always the ratonalization "I'm not that bad".
Please consider AlAnon and IC. It is too hard to go through these problems alone.
Take care of yourself. It is all you have control over, not waht your WH will do.
What is weird to me is that DS17 found out about the A. Basically proclaimed his undying hate for his father. The relationship between the two of them was tenuous at best.
After these last few very bad months, WH told the kids he had a problem with alcohol and that he was quitting.
Ever since then DS has been great to WH. Talks to him, watches TV, does anything that WH asks of him...with no push back. It was like WH lifted some black cloud and now DS is all good.
Sigh. In some ways it pisses me off because now WH thinks it is all good. And now wonders why I can't just let it go so easily.
This is difficult.
I almost have to say that it is worse than the A. I think maybe because it is just one more thing for me.
Ah well, thank for reading.
Very true that Mistress #1 was Alcohol, and he left me for an OW who is Mistress #2 - supports and enables the alcohol.
I heard the new George Straight song "The Drinking Man" today and I just broke down sobbing driving down the road because it's so my WXH.
If you haven't heard it here's the youtube link:
I just thought posters on this thread would understand.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Sorry. The song does describe what I know of alcoholics. Wishing they could pour out the drink and being unable to do so.
There is always hope. But, you need to protect yourself. No matter what, you can't fix it for him. Just take care of yourself.
[This message edited by betrayed1012 at 8:46 AM, April 23rd (Monday)]
"dry drunk" syndrome
My xwh sent me the most awful text. He isn't drinking but the text did not appear to come from someone of a sober mind.
I just can't believe he really thinks what he sent me. He's the one who cheated, etc. yet he hates me so much?! Very shocking and unbelievable...
Dry drunk is an alcoholic who is not drinking, but not done the work to be in active recovery or sober. The dry drunk still thinks like an alcoholic shifting the responsibility to everyone and everything else, but where it lies. The dry drunk has never accepted his behavior has to change because to him it was always you, his job, his boss, the phase of the moon, etc that caused his drinking. The dry drunk made the first step which is to stop drinking, but never has made it to sobriety which is accpting responsibility and making the changes within and in his behavior that alcoholic.
Your X hates you becaused you "caused" all his problems. If only you had done this or not done that he would not have cheated or drank. Alcoholic behavior and infidelity are closely related. They both shift the responsibility away from the person and to someone else.
It does seem that your X may be a dry drunk. My xWW is. Her drinking was caused by her job, me and anything else she can think of. The emotional problems the children have are my fault and have nothing to do with the feeling of abandonment due to her disappearing with OM on drinking sprees. She did nothing wrong. As with her affair with OM, a fellow alcoholic she met in detox, she bears no responsibility for that either. That was I was always so angry. When I asked her how should I feel that my wife is sleeping with another man, I got "I don't know, it hasn't happened to me.". She would call from his apartment when she was relapsing with him and bait me into arguments to justify what she was doing. She has never worked any of the Steps in AA as far as I know because she has never made amends to any one. To make amends would invalidate what she had done and mean she would have to accept responsibility for her behavior and actions which she is not going to do. So that is why I feel she is a dry drunk just as your X may be.
That is also what worries me about my xWW. Since she not accepted it is hers to own she hasn't changed and when the next bump in the road comes along how will she handle it. It is hers to own and I know I don't control it, but I don't want her to hurt our children or put them at risk. It sounds like the text from your X has you worried about his lack of responsibility also. How he hasn't made the changes needed for sobriety. Just remember it is his to own. And, you have no control over it. Don't accept guilt or responsibility from him because as a dry drunk he'll gladly shift it to you.
Take care of yourself.
To make amends would invalidate what she had done and mean she would have to accept responsibility for her behavior and actions which she is not going to do.
Have to keep in the mind the above quote when/if I receive nasty outbursts from xwh. We are NC but he's been pulling some power/control issues lately and not following the divorce agreement so I tried to nicely remind him (very business like and courteous) and that's when he sent me the nasty text. Next step is to lawyer up but that's more $$$ and more nastiness from him.
One day a time...Hope you are hanging in there.
My situation is such that we were not married. It was, I THOUGHT, a committed dating relationship and we acted as a family with his kids. My whole sordid story is on my profile and in re-reading it I feel so gullible and stupid.
Some important detail I realize I didn't include, and maybe the most important detail, is his alcoholism. He wasn't drinking when we started dating. I did ask a few questions before we got together including about alcohol and addictions, and his claim was he occasionally likes a nice glass of wine with dinner.
BUT, he apparently had a LONG history of drinking as did his ex-wife. I found this out AFTER we started dating and he did start drinking again a couple of months later, and it immediately became a nightly thing. Not just a nice glass of wine with dinner....but 2 bottles. I expressed my discomfort over it, but he rationalized it by the stress of the court battle he was in.
So, now it's 7 years later. He has STILL been able to draw me back in. He has quit drinking at times...but never went to AA other than when he was forced to by court, but didn't take it seriously, so never truly became sober, never truly made amends needless to say, and apparently, at those times when he stopped, I am learning now, was just a dry drunk.
I desperately need some education obviously and my IC had suggested Al-Anon a couple of years ago but I never followed through. It's time. It's time to get out of my own fog about all of this and realize, as much as his acoholism has taken from his life, destroyed his life, his self-worth, how deeply it has affected me, my life and almost has destroyed me.
When I first joined SI, I went from thinking he was a sex addict, to having NPD, but now realize all of those are just secondary to....alcoholism.
I feel really really stupid to have let someone else's disease take over my life....just so I could have the "family" I never thought I'd have.
There was no alcoholism in my family...I just don't get how I was able to be drawn into this and NOT walk away when the red flags KEPT popping up...
I have A LOT of reading to catch up on in this thread no doubt...
He drinks daily and of course he is making my life miserable and his college-aged girls who live with us. He gets nasty and says things that hurt and humiliate. Then he socializes with co-workers who also drink. He will drink anything he get hold of. He then tries to get me "in the mood" by using some of THE most disgusting wording and requests I've ever heard and I've seen plenty of raunchy porn. It's a complete turn-off for me. I was sexually harassed like this in high school by low-life jerks before sexual harassment was even heard of and I felt/feel traumatized by it to this day.
It isn't affecting his work as of yet but I think eventually it will catch up to him. He has tried counseling with an addiction therapist-he stopped going. I don't think AA would be of any use to him.
I know alcoholics and addiction real well-my Grandfather was an alcoholic, several Uncles on both sides, my Mom. They all either died as a result or messed up their health so bad it indirectly helped them into their graves. H is not a young man and he's had several brushes with death already-diabetes, 2 heart surgeries and gastric bypass surgery from being close to 400 lbs.
I need help to cope. I've looked for AlAnon groups here-there aren't any.
You know we made it through the A shit almost 4 yrs ago now and didn't need this on top of it!!!! I don't know how much more of this I can take or if I even should...
Status: Struggling Everday to
what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France
Newtwood, I think I've heard there are online Al-Anon groups too, so that might be worth checking out....