Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: spaceplease (45329)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Support for BS in Limbo
Hurtingnnc
♀ Member
Member # 44284
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what's good enough for him is crumbs for me. And "teaching" him what I need is the most unattractive, unsavory prospect to me right now. Stepping up should be an outcome of his desires, not me creating a lesson plan.

This really spoke to me. I am trying to get out of limbo as I feel like I have been getting crumbs. When I explained that to him and listed what I need he said he is not sure if he can do it. (I asked him to do the exercises in a Surviving an Affair.) I need prayers for strength.


Me: BGF 45
Him: WBF
DD#1 5/30/14
DD#2 6/7/14
DD#3 6/18/14
It looks like we are done 9/15/14.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Jul 2014
PreggoBS
♀ New Member
Member # 39622
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just jumping into this thread with out reading much of it first, I don't know if that is acceptable or not but I am in a bad way. I am three months pregnant and just found out about an emotional affair my husband was having. We ended up separating and he consumated the affair. He had two other affairs last year when I was pregnant with my first. He keeps saying that I make him unhappy, that I don't meet his needs and I think that in a lot of ways he's right. I know I took him for granted. I know I could have done more than I did. Now he is still continuing the relationship with the other girl, but we talk about trying counseling to see if we have a chance at working things out. EVERYONE I talk to says not to even try, to leave and not look back. But I LOVE HIM. He has been my whole world for 7 years, we have kids together and I can't seem to function or be able to eat or sleep without him around. I don't think he really wants to be with me anymore, I don't think he is in love with me, he has told me he doesn't think he is in love with me. I just don't know what to do or how to survive, or even fucking eat.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Oregon
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Preggo - ask yourself why you love someone who treats you like this. Do you love yourself? ARe you afraid of being alone? He sounds cruel.. are you in IC? The minute someone says "he is my world" I think they don't have enough of a life outside their marriage, good marriage or not.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
PreggoBS
♀ New Member
Member # 39622
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc- I don't know. I ask that everyday. However, I do think that I am culpable for his looking to have his needs met elsewhere. I think that I should have done certain things better.
As for him being my world to a great extent it is true, I didn't have enough outside of him. We lived VERY remotely for a few years and then I got pregnant. So yeah, I have few friends that I get together with and only occasionally. I do work however, so that does help.
Yes, I am in IC. I would probably be dead already if I wasn't....

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Oregon
mom2my4kiddos
New Member
Member # 44174
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, September 12th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I hate that you all are here, it's nice to not be the only member of the club. We're living together, he's NC with the OW but we're basically just room mates while he gets his head on straight. We're in MC (IMAGO which he's not too sure about)and I've started IC (SBT which I'm not sure about,lol). Some days he feels like he's trying and some days I feel like I'm in the boat on my own.


Me: BS 43
Him:WS 41
Dday 7/16/14
Hoping for R but sometimes I think my hope is fading.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
Merida
♀ Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 23rd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

really weird to be in a position to "protect the kids of the marriage" by filing for divorce and CS

been a bit of a rollercoaster as WH and I hashed out the separation agreement... heckofa way to practice good communication and conflict management skills

hated putting the kids name onto forms and plugging in "formulas" - felt like I was getting turned into hamburger mush and couldn't get pink floyd songs out of my head (dang worms)

guess I'm at the point of being willing to break the marriage to save it and just overall take things one day at a time


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 208 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Other2014
♀ New Member
Member # 45020
Default  Posted: 4:36 AM, October 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate not knowing what to do,its been two and a half mo and I dont know whether I should have had some idea by now or not. Having sex outside of marriage is completely unacceptable for me. If I had been financially independent I would probably have filed for D already. But I have not worked for more than two yrs and I moved to USA on a dependent visa which dont allow me to work. It will be a while for me to become financially independent and be able to provide for my DS. My WH is well paid and I dont want my kid to be in this mess and face financial trouble. He deserve to be loved by both parents. I hate waking up every morning not knowing how to handle this mess, on one hand I cant accept him another hand I want my kid to afford all the facilities he deserves. P.S: we are muslim and muslim divorce law doesnot have the concept of alimony. So if I D him I would not get a penny.


Me- BS - 31
Him- WS-32 - Highschool sweetheart and one and only bf
DS- 2 yrs
TNA Board escorts, 6-10 in two and half mo, Craigslist casual encounters, strip clubs
DDay- July 12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other2014: What country are you living in? If your are in the US or Europe, your religion is irrelevant to your divorce settlement. Muslim or not, if you are living in a country that has fair divorce laws, you WILL qualify for alimony and child support if you go to a lawyer.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
itbreaksme
♀ New Member
Member # 45144
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi

Im new to this forum and Im thinking this thread is for me? Im feeling very in limbo.

im 14 months into this maze of chaos. My WS actually confessed to an affair when i was 8 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. He is adamant he only wanted to tell me because he didnt want there to be any secrets between us. I feel its bullshit! I think he told me to help ensure his survival!! I was preg, morning sickness and extremely vulnerable...of course i would keep him around! I sucked it all up and tried to move on and be happy. All that love was there, generally happy with occasional emotional meltdowns when the niggling feeling i had became too much.

Well ive had the baby (7 months ago) and after about 3 months i started to really question the whole thing! It just doesnt sit right with me. Im in IC...

It started off as an emotional affair and went on for a few months like that only via phone calls and texts/emails (she was a work colleague on the other side of the country!!!). Then on one on of his business trips he slept with her, twice. Once at his hotel room one night and in her car another night. Then apparently called it off. All while he was partying with this woman he is messaging me telling me he loves me, emailing me photos of the work event he was at, PLANNING ANOTHER BABY!! They have still talked to each other occasionally because of work and she even had the nerve to message him a congrats after the baby was born!!!! She isnt aware that i know...

Now, at the time it was all happening i was blissfully unaware there was anything going on!!!! Our 2nd baby at the time was about 13months old but all was good there. There was just absolutely no reason whatsoever to have done what he was doing!! EVERYONE was there for him. He had a large work load on and was under the pump..but still!!??? He is also one of those guys that looked down his nose at people who had affairs!!!!!

He has done no work and is reluctant to go to MC. He doesnt want to talk about it. I think its the shame and embarrasment talking...?? He is extremely remorseful. Tells me he loves me, has sworn he will never do it again etc.. Now an amazing husband, amazing father etc.. but i feel that its a bit late. Its all a reminder of him sucking up to me to try and make up for what he's done.

i know his infidelity isnt as bad as some peoples on here but we were a very close couple. I met him when i was 18 and we've been together for 15 years and have the 3 kids.

I am having a VERY hard time forgiving and forgetting!!! I think i want out!! Im just tired from it all. I often feel a great weight has lifted when i make the decision to leave! but then i stay..

i want to tell him to get out but then i feel sorry for him!!! I keep putting what he wants first. He just acts like everything is fine!! Keeps hitting me up for sex (which is great!) because he thinks it will keep us connected.

I think i should stay because of the kids. Stay and just be happy. Hes not a bad guy. But then i think of my own self worth. Am i only worthy of a person that chooses not to communicate with me and cheats on me?? What message am i teaching my boys??

Im fine if i go... parents to take us in, have a job if i need etc.

But then i feel bad for messing up the kids lives. But then i think im grumpy and distracted now and if the "problem" was gone then i wouldnt have to be grumpy and distracted!!! Then i feel bad about hurting WS!!!

Im tired and angry and bitter and have shut down. I dont trust WS with my heart, love, life, happiness etc... all the while he's as happy as a pig in mud and talking about more kids!!! He is COMPLETELY oblivious!!!

When i told him i was going to go get IC he made it all about him. How long does he have to go through this? He cant do his job without me! When will i move on?! He cant keep living in fear of his marriage ending....

Anyone left their partners at least 12 months after D-day and done it with kids??


Me - 34
WS - 37
Married since January 2002
D-Day 8/8/13 He decided to confess to an affair that occurred in April 2012 when i was 8 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child.
3 boys - 7, 3 and 7 months

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Australia
Other2014
♀ New Member
Member # 45020
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat
Thanks for the info, we were staying in US. Now I am staying at my home country but looks like it would be wise to go back to US or CA( I have a residentship) if I decide to get a divorce, that helps, thanks a lot.


Me- BS - 31
Him- WS-32 - Highschool sweetheart and one and only bf
DS- 2 yrs
TNA Board escorts, 6-10 in two and half mo, Craigslist casual encounters, strip clubs
DDay- July 12

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2014
inNOoutNOinNOout
♀ New Member
Member # 45092
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, October 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post could not have been found at a better time. I am absolutely exhausted being in LIMBO. he doesn't know if he loves me. I don't know if I love him. We both think that there could be walls/defenses at play that are just not allowing us to connect and that never did in the past. I am scared to D and then regret it, but I don't think I can handle this torture of limbo anymore. We want to R because we feel like that's what we should do. Like we were brought together for a reason and we have a one year old son, so to give up too soon would be unfair to him. I feel that there is no hope for us though. He has so many emotional issues, that it would take years to work on, then we have to decide once he gets that under control whether or not we actually love each other. I don't know if I am willing to risk another few years to figure that out.


BS: Me 29
WS: Him 31
DS: 13mnths
Together: 10.5yrs; Married: 4yrs
DDay: 3/8/2014
7-ONSs (Over 6yr span); 1-10mnth EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2014
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's showing remorse. He's doing everything I've requested. He's making headway in IC, and showing signs that he might -- years from now, with hard work -- become an actual human being. He tells the truth, at least so far as I can verify it. He gets how much he hurt me, and seem truly sorry. He even borders on empathy sometimes.

But I can't shake the feeling that I would be happier and stronger without him. Not feeling like I have to check up on him. Not always waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Not having to wonder if he's snowing me to get what he wants.

I feel guilty about my kids having only a part time dad. I am not ready to deal with the emotional fallout they will experience from divorce. I worry about managing financially. I resent having to give up a comfortable retirement.

So I stay here in limbo, not ready to go, not willing to commit to R. My goodness, this sucks.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat- this is exactly how I feel about my situation. Word for word.

I am 15 months out. Some of the anger has subsided, thank goodness!! Some days I manage to convince myself that I can be happy if I stay in this marriage. The caveat being that I will never again expect WS to help facilitate that happiness (although he appears to very much WANT to make me happy...now).

Other days I fixate on how much happier I would be without him. I miss the intimacy, but I don't want to be intimate with WS. I'd be so much happier moving on without trying to force myself to have feelings for WS again.

But I stay. Because I also feel guilty about my kids having only a part time dad. And I am also not ready to deal with the emotional fallout they will experience from divorce. And, despite my decent salary I, too, worry about managing financially. I stay, but it has nothing to do with a desire to reconcile with a man who so deeply betrayed me from day 1. All of the appologies in the world won't change what he did, and I can't get past that.

Yes, it sucks.


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplat

I could have written your post. I am three years out from DDay and while on the surface it looks like we are in R, really I am still in limbo.

One day I think we can make it, the next I feel I will never get over what he did and we will end up divorced.

I have been with this man since I was 17. I have had no other adult relationships. We have so much history I can't imagine life without him, but he shattered my world and broke my heart. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive him. We have built a good life together and I resent the fact that because of his selfish choices I now have to choose between a comfortable retirement with him or struggling financially without him.

Our kids are older ( 15,18,21 & 24 ) but I worry about what effect us divorcing would have on the younger two in particular.

But I can't shake the feeling that I would be happier and stronger without him. Not feeling like I have to check up on him. Not always waiting around for the other shoe to drop. Not having to wonder if he's snowing me to get what he wants.

^^ this. I don't want to have to check up on him or worry about him lying to me. But I will never fully trust him again so that doubt will always be there. I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life like that.


HoldOnHope
All I can say is, you're young, you have so much of your life ahead of you. Do you really want to live like this? I just turned 50. If I was even 10 years younger I'd be gone.


Me-BW 49
SAWH 51
Married 27 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS, Porn
In limbo land

Posts: 271 | Registered: Jul 2011
refurb
♂ New Member
Member # 45202
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 21st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To those of you limbo, I can only imagine that i can't really imagine it all,

I wanted reconciliation my cheating wife wanted out, keep the affair under wraps then get with Mr cheatfuck as the Whitenight.

I read the threads bout how difficult reconciliation is and I do understand the feelings.

i wish i had more you folks beyound "i feel for you" but i do truly feel for you

i hope the right thing works out for you


me: BS
51 male
father of 2
ex-choose to cheat, divorce, & destroy the family

Posts: 36 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: United States central PA
Topic Posts: 435
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.