For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
This is the letter my WH will be recieving today when he gets home after 8 months of one way trying I have come to peace that I can no longer live this way !!! I will no longer live in limbo
DDAY#2- Jan 9,2012 2yr EA/PA with howorker
2-DD 22/15 and a son 20 (US NAVY)
Was tryin to R but to many false r. lies upon lies and not helping me heal now Seperated.....
I forgive people, but that
I think I crashed and burned in limboland today. All my numbness faded away, and every emotion and thought went haywire. Had a five hour long panic attack. Sobbed so hard until I gagged. And continued to flipflopped between feeling calm and rational to anguished and depressed multiple times every hour. It was like DDay again...and heck if I don't know what's what right now.
Oddly enough, at this moment of the hour, I'm feeling kind of calm. Please send vibes that I can sleep without another panic attack waking me up, if you will.
I'm joining in here too...cuz I'm riding the limbo-coaster!
It's been almost 1 yr. since the last DDay, and so far she has respected NC. 90% of the time, my WW shows no remorse and blame-shifts constantly. She refuses MC and says she's just waiting for me to get fed up...
The other day she said "You made me suffer for the first half of our M...now it's your turn!" (WTF?!). Said the affair was the "best thing she ever did". The next day she hugs me and says she's "trying", and asks me to rub her feet! (again...WTF?!)
Like a few others on here, I've stayed because of the kids...the fear...etc., but I think I've had about enough.
After the crazy day mentioned above, I went to a L's office and also booked IC for later this week (finally!)
I know limbo will continue for now, but I need to get some clarity and direction.
I'm just saddened to think that R is not looking likely, and that I may have to D after all :-(
* He hid this from me, but I found texts setting up the meeting. The WTF part is that she offered to get her GF to drive her to him. I.. I don't even know.
My WW told me yesterday again that she doesn't know what she wants. I love her and have stopped lashing out at her over the A. She is still in 'love' with mOM, I know it, and it kills me. He lied to her, led her on, and gave her herpes (and me). He went back to his BW after I outed him to his BW on 8/16. My WW says she has had NC and I just don't believe her. We are seperated. My story is complicated (see profile) and the M was not great the last few years. It used to be.
I am also an alcoholic. I've been back in AA since 3 days after Dday. I know so much of what has happened is my fault. I never ever physically hurt my wife, but I know I was not a good husband. I worked - alot - and she has said she felt neglected. The years 2009-2012 are a blur to me know. I look at our pictures but and see us together but I was actively drinking during this time. The years I wasn't drinking were mostly happy. I hate myself for what I have done. I can truly say, I have hit bottom.
So since a week after dday I have been telling my WW I want to change and save our M. She of course is skeptical. Not of my intentions, but of me. She has told friends that she doesn't want a D. But she will not say she wants to work things out with me. We actually went to 2 MC sessions but it was so soon after dday, that the sessions went badly. My WW told the C she didn't want to come back, she thought she might be -done. She did agree to come back for IC and has been going.
I have been writing my WW emails about every other night. So many emotions and memories have been coming back since my alcoholic fog has started to lift. I am depressed and taking ADs for a few weeks. It seems to be helping as I am breaking down less and less, but I am still always sad. When I think about how WW said she was in love with him I feel my heart sink. We have shared so many memories, we were in love. How could she do this. Why didn't she just throw me out, file for divorce - anything - anything but this. I'm devastated by how she conducted herself since Dec 2010. Looking at out vacation and family pictures, knowing it was all a lie. How does someone do this?
There are our boys - the innocents. They do not understand what has happened. They ask me everyday when am I coming home. I want to come home. My WW doesn't want me to come home. She won't even agree to resume MC, even though I have been on my best behavior and have tried to be understanding. I have acknowledged my part in everything about our M, and the drinking.
Finally, the worst part - all her friends, they are all divorced and have her ear. Some of them have know about the mOM all along. I thought they were my friends too. None of them talk to me now. My MIL, omg, what a nightmare. My MIL has known all along and advised my WW to "keep her mouth shut" and agreed to be my WW alibi all those times she went to meet mOM. I know, I read all WW emails. Knowing all the details from reading her emails hurts like hell. I know too much.
I hold on daily to the words my WW said to me on Dday. "I don't want a D". And also, that she confided in our last mutual friend 2 weeks ago and said she "didn't want D".
The not knowing, the professed 'love' for mOM. The length of the A. It follows me around like a dark cloud. I've lost 50lbs since yesterday. None of my clothes fit anymore. I go to AA meetings and people always approach me after and ask me if I'm alright. The short answer is no - I'm not. I have read the Healing library and 180 so many times i think I've memorized it. I've read NJF, surviving the A, Road less traveled, and just about every Google article I can find on Fog, LTA, and infidelity.
I love my wife. I always have.....and my heart is broken.
Not an easy place to be. Hoping you all find some peace and relaxation this weekend.
But I still don't know where mine is.
I feel so very alone.
I feel like I'm doing this to myself... Limbo. I'm scared of everything. Things I should do for my marriage, for me.. the one I would turn to for comfort and support is gone, and I'm desperately looking for some inner strength that doesn't seem to be there. I'm even scared to post, it feels like. I do come to read...I would even encourage and agree with the advice of others... But I can't bring myself to do it myself. everything hurts. I hate this.
Posting can be scary because it makes things feel more real. It also tends to push us towards the hard answers that we don't want to face. Nobody's going to judge you, we're all here to help.
Sending some hugs. Find your inner strength by doing nice thongs for yourself that have nothing to do with anyone else. Get your favorite tea - go for a walk. There's more to life than this relationship.
It also tends to push us towards the hard answers that we don't want to face.
I think you nailed it, Jrazz. Sighs.
I'm just so tired. Will try to focus on doing something for myself.
How long do you wait for a ws to love you again? He wants to stay and work things out, but I don't want to be in a loveless marriage forever!!! Do you put a time limit on love?
This all just SUCKS!!!
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:28 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]
Of course,the A is still alive and kicking.. (cue more heartbreak on my part)
I have no idea if he's broken and confused.. Or if he's lying.
<-- because I can't seem to cry in person.
It's been 28 days from D-day. Supposed EA only but has also said he has feelings for her. He is currently away on business and I do not know what to expect when he comes home. He has not been remorseful And at times actually acts like I am the problem. He has not apologized to me and I asked for two things before he left and he has been unable to do either. One of which was more frequent contact. I'm fact it seems at times he is intentionally avoiding me.
I am doing good things for myself and am getting stronger. I am hanging on because he says he doesn't want us to be done. However his actions speak louder than words and his actions say that when he comes home he might be moving out. I don't know what to do.
I am seeing an IC but WH refuses to see an MC until he sees and IC but he won't schedule that appointment.
This is only my second time posting but I'm only 2 weeks away from my divorce.
My mind has been made of for several months that I was moving forward with the divorce because retrospectively I was in a controlling and verbally abusive marriage.
We have one 3 year old son.
Being 2 weeks away he's suddenly "seen the light" and wants to show me he's a better man. I've heard promises before in our marriage that he will "never" do that again never "hurt" me again. Never happens.
I def. have my guard up but he's saying he wants to be a "family" for our son and its killing me to think I'm making the wrong decision to split my son's home.
Anyone help? Thinking I can't trust or believe this is true feelings but its almost over and he's getting to me.
I think I've heard this is pretty typical.