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User Topic: Support for BS in Limbo
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in limbo. I read some of WH journals and saw that he is very confused about his feelings. HE claims he was ending the A long before i found out and signs do point to that, he was looking for a new job back in april, and asked OW to find a new job and she acting got a new job about 2 weeks before dday. Anyway, he just seems so darn lost on how to proceed in the marriage and when he was really low he wrote he wished he was still in contact with OW because he needed a friend, he is very lonely, wished affirmed he is there is NC, but also means that when he is down he thinks of her, which shows she still has power over his actions. I do believe him in that he wasn't going to leave me for OW, but what does that mean? He is a cake eater? I am the default? I am still here in the M and that must count for something because I always said an A would be a dealbreaker for me, honestly it still may be, it is just that it could be a slow process in getting to D. I told WH that I will give it a try and if he does want to change and I see that change and it is genuine then we have a chance, but if I don't see the change we are headed to a D. WH is a terribly lonely person, and it saddens me, I know that is why he got involved with OW, but does that excuse it? I don't know right now. I wish I could know what will happen to us, but right now we need a lot of time and patience to figure this out, on both sides...

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so 2 weeks have passed, we have gone on yet another roller coaster. Just before his parents left WH was all about the M ending, and only a few days ago decided that he will try to remain in the M. So we went on a date last night, and it was okay. We went to haunted houses, though at the end we kind of got in a fight, not surprising right? I do realize I have some issues I need to work out, not related to the A at all. But while we did bicker here and there and once home, overall we are spending time together, and honestly getting to know each other on a different level, non physical and non kids. We both really need to work on our communication and anger issues. We have been on 3 dates since dday. Prior to dday we went on a date once a year for the past 4 years!, so I guess that is a good thing, though i hate that we didn't try sooner to reconnect, and maybe then the A wouldn't have happened.

So friday Wh said he was 100% in the M again, prior during the week he was trolling for women online and that is just like another minidday for me honestly. So I have to get through these issues. I was able to get him to read something about EA online, so he could see that and EA isn't necessarily about loving OW, but just taking time away from the M. I still think he may have some SA issues, so we are trying to communicate about that, and he may seek IC if he continues to show SA symptoms.

I talked to a lawyer last monday and kind of got a feel for if we go down that road, not wanting to or looking forward that if we have to, so right now still in limbo, but hoping we do work things out at this point.


Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
cobraadvice
♀ Member
Member # 32452
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainsgirl
I know what you are going through and do not make the mistakes I did. My WH asked to move home, said he was here to work on M and instead kept up contact with OW. He finally, finally started IC a week ago, admits to being very confused and I have let him stay home. Now I am confused as we are 5 1/2 months out. He wears his wedding ring, talks about things in our future then hits me with we just don't have a connection. Hello, little hard with OW in the wings (she is married and her H knows)and she gets messages to my H that she will wait for him, gag me. He thinks she has his heart but then he wants me, I guess I have his old heart. He pushed me away then pulls me in and asks that I show and tell him why and how much I want him. What a manipulator and I fell for it because I do love the man.

Do you have the link to this? This hit the spot, my H A did take away from our marriage.
" I was able to get him to read something about EA online, so he could see that and EA isn't necessarily about loving OW, but just taking time away from the M."

Date nights, we need to do this. I plan stuff for us and he goes along and we have a good time. But time for date nights and I will have to set this up. In our marriage he was never good at setting stuff up socially, always up to me.....


Me 50, WH 50
OW 52, looks older and fake, not worth a 2nd look.
Married 24 years, together 27 years
3 sons,
DDay May 2011
DDay#2 Oct 2011,
Separated for a month, asked to move home, in R and it has its ups and downs but it is now more limbo

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2011
rcantbleveit
♀ Member
Member # 30476
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our divorce was final in March. We were together physically for the last time July 4th. We see each other at family functions and last week met for lunch.

He's still with OW which makes me crazy every time I read the statistics of affairs not lasting and every time I hear of another couple splitting.

He seems happy in his new life whle I sit in limbo with what to do with mine.

I go to IC, support group, work out, travel, entertain, date?(see other guys), etc.... but he is always in my thoughts and prayers.

The thought of actually being with someone makes me ill. I like hanging out with guys and enjoy their company but if they want more than that, I have to go.

Over the past few months, I've realized that things were not as great as I thought they were. We were both bored. He chose another woman to deal with it. I chose house work, working out, kids.

I had brought up things to do but we just never got around to doing them for one reason or another.

A friend asked me last night, would you take him back if he came home? I said YES... I miss him, I miss our life together, I miss our family.

She said that it was a lie so why would I want that? She thinks I'm crazy even though she felt the same about her ex until about a month ago. Now she's ready to move on & would never have him back.

So yes I would say I'm in LIMBO....


Posts: 227 | Registered: Dec 2010
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 30th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I am definately in a self-imposed limbo. But I think I am content with it. Maybe I am co-dependent but to me this makes the most sense.

WW has been pushing me away all summer. She needed space but the truth is she didn't want me around with her new friends. She wanted this to be something that was hers alone. Everything stayed innocent until the right guy showed up at the wrong time and she jumped.

She says she cannot leave him. Doesn't want to.

Neither of us will leave our kids or our house so we are still here in limbo. We discussed her finding a job and then getting an apartment and all that. But the fact of the matter is I DON"T WANT A DIVORCE!

I try to 180 her as much as possible, but often I talk to her and try to be as compassionate as I can. AND I remind her that I don't want a divorce which either makes her feel guilty or makes her think.

She has said that she has noticed how I have actively changed my behaviour and am working to get rid of many of my bad habits. Lately she has asked for time as if she might reconsider. I've resigned myself to the reality that our marriage is over and the only thing holding us here is to make as normal as possible a Halloween and Christmas for our kids.

The facts are: 1 She wants a D
2. I don't
3. If I push her she gets what she wants
4. If I don't push her I might get a chance at R, probably not

The way I see it, I don't have anything left to lose. I can live with the situation as it is for the time being. I am not sharing her because I am essentially out of the picture romantically, sexually and emotionally. Right now we are married in name only.

Now if she somehow does decide to consider working on the M then the demands and boundaries will start: NC, Access to FB, meeting all the friends, etc. But for now, the sliver of possibility of an opening into a hidden corner of her heart is worth it.

[This message edited by gahurts at 9:43 PM, October 30th (Sunday)]


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely hat limbo land. It feels like I'm a sitting duck waiting for the hunter. Not a real good feeling.

I am now on the blind and can't be found. Actually I did what I should've done a long time ago. I stated I felt things wre going. I told my WS if things didn't change he would be leaving the house, not be. He thought I was kidding. When he realized I wasn't he apologized again for a lot of things. I told him I have given all I can and his time is running out. I have set a deadline for him to get started. We shall see.



Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 31st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Emotional-Affairs-101/1

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, November 3rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY WH used to tell me that he cannot hold the marriage together by himself. I would tell him he is not by himself, that I am with him. Come to find out that he was in the Emotional Affair at the time.

His EA was not romantic, he claims he was never in love with the OW. They were 'just friends' BUT he was taking positive emotion from our marriage & giving it to OW, who was never in a bad mood, never nagged him, never gave him anything but positive reinforcement about him (not the marriage).

There was never any stress with the OW. Which is why my
WH said it was easy to have sex with her. He was comfortable, knew that there was not going to be a fight with her. She offered sex & he said yes...then the guilt hit.

I feel he is not 'all in' at this point in time. He holds back, shuts down out of fear, hurt & guilt.

I was reading somewhere that the WS is weak enough to get into an affair in the first place & many are too weak to do the hard work in R so it is up to the BS to do most of the work. My sitch in a nutshell...This Sucks

On the bright side I have really gotten back in an old hobby that I enjoyed & it looks like it can possibly turn into a new career opportunity for me.

I also have a current coworker (female) who is in a similar sitch who is also interested in a joint venture of this hobby. We both need to feel empowered as now we are both 'trapped' financially in our M.

Peace & Strength. AH


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read the first three pages, and so much of what you are all saying resonates so strongly with me!

I am in Limbo.

I have three young kids, and although my husband has admitted to a ONS,
and going out after work with colleagues and bought women drinks...
he swears nothing else... I beleive differently!

Why, I wonder do I want him to confess?
He probably never will...

Would you leave if:
A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

This really caught my eye...

A. I do have somewhere to go... I would just hate moving in with my mother... sems so clicheed!
B. Financially, yes, I could do it...
C. If my kids were older... absolutely
D. If I didn;t have kids, our marriage would have ended 5 years ago...
E. I'm not afraid of being alone... I'm afraid of being a Single mom...
even though he isn't around that much anyway...

We're in such a shitty place!

[This message edited by brokenandfedup at 1:44 AM, November 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
neverendinghurt
♀ Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a while since I have posted in here.

Something else for the inhabitants of limboland to think about.

Do you really know deep down what you want but don't know how to achieve it.

Do you really want to be reconcilled but don't think your partner is doing enough?

Do you really want to be seperated/divorced but don't know how you will manage financially or in other ways?

Whatever your current situation is, try to find a way to make the best of it for now at the same time, plan for the future.



The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26034 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
always-hope
♀ Member
Member # 27814
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Would you leave if:
A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

A: yes
B: yes
C: yes, sometimes think I should have done it when I filed in 2005 when I found out that OW was in the mix...
D: definately
E: I'm not afraid to be alone, I would adopt some dogs, they're faithful, loving,(not that way, got a 'bob' for that, LOL protective, fun


neh

Do you really know deep down what you want but don't know how to achieve it.

Some days I can envision WH & I in a better marriage, more days it's me living a 'single' life. (& happy, to boot)

Do you really want to be reconcilled but don't think your partner is doing enough?

I do not think he is doing enough but I am questioning do I REALLY want to be reconcilled???

Do you really want to be seperated/divorced but don't know how you will manage financially or in other ways?

Again, financial is a problem, so do I really want to be S/D?

Whatever your current situation is, try to find a way to make the best of it for now at the same time, plan for the future.

I like this, thanks neh.


BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

Posts: 307 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Heartland
insecure
♀ New Member
Member # 26851
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can so relate to a lot of this. WH says he wants the marriage to work, yet again I caught him at OW home last thursday nite (Nov 3, 2011). We do nothing together. Never really have. He says I don't want to do anything with him. He hasn't asked me to in years. This thing with the OW has been going on for two years, and prior to that there was another OW. He has moved in and out since New Year's eve. I constantly worry about where he is, who he's talking to or texting. I don't trust him, don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again. Don't believe anything he says either. Just so tired of the whole thing. I've told him everytime I turn around its like getting slapped in the face with him lying to me about being done with her and then she pops up either on the cell or he's at her house.


“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
― Henry Rollins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Dec 2009
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate this limbo. I hate the half heartness on both sides. I don't know if I can stick it out for the long run, I have posted elsewhere here and everyone is saying that we are rugsweeping and not in R and I know we are not in R. I know what R is suppose to look like. Transparency, no lieing etc. WH has decided he is going to be nice to me and hope that will be it. It is a start but it is not enough. He told our daughter tonight that he loved her and then said I love your mom too, and I acted cold. I just don't want it to be like this anymore, I don't want to be in limbo, but I know that is the only place for us atm. I have vowed to try to keep it together until the new year, and then I will start making final decisions. I need to get through the holidays for the kids and I am also going to find out about going back to college, I am taking steps,though they feel so small and slow, but honestly in my state of mind, I am doing the best I can.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
Crazy Daze
♀ Member
Member # 31843
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all of you still in Limbo.

I haven't posted in awhile as WS and I are finally in R. Not false R such as WS "trying to work on M" while having a GF on the side.

It took me a year and a half to heal enough and become strong enough to reach the decision that I no longer wanted to play his game and be part of a triangle.

I had the belief that if he wanted out then he should be the one to file, but then I realized that I was giving away my power and he was controlling me.

It wasn't until I said "Go" instead of "Choose" that WS was finally able to get out the fog and commit to our M.

Oh, we still have issues but at least we are working through them together.

So stay strong. Take one day at a time and remember to breathe.


Posts: 114 | Registered: Apr 2011
Tropicalblush
♀ Member
Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, December 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too, and I hate it... Officially, we're in R, but I'm keeping one foot firmly holding the door open. H knows that I am not fully committed to R and to him. I don't know what is keeping me here (fear probably) and I hate myself for not making a decision. I always had such strong views on infidelity (see my profile...) and I NEVER in a MILLION YEARS thought my H would cross that line. I still can't believe he is not the man I thought he was. I think a part of me still doesn't believe this has actually happened (7 months after d-day!!)

to answer the questions:

Would you leave if:
A: you had somewhere to go
B: it was financially viable for you to do so
C: if your kids were older
D: if you didn;t have kids
E: if you wasn't afraid of being alone

A. probably
B. much more likely
C. maybe
D. Definitely, without a shaddow of a doubt
E. I'm not really afraid of being alone. I'm alone so much anyway!!


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, December 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am marking time in limbo, too.
Its a very, very ODD feeling.

We could stay M till one of us dies...but I have my creepy qualms about doing this, too.

Maybe he has "secret life insurance" on me and will collect on it if I die first?

Any one else ever think about this stuff, too?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sadandtrying
♀ Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in limbo too...and I'm slightly (or more than slightly ) embarrassed to say that I have been in limbo, on and off, since shortly after dday, nearly 4 years ago...

My H took his time coming out of the "fog" of his A, and I "allowed" him to take his time.
Over the course of our long M (25 years at dday) I had given over my power to him in such an insidious way that it was practically gone by the time he engaged in his A. I had no fire and little confidence in myself by that time.
I allowed him to use me while he "decided", blamed, and "punished" me for not "meeting his needs". I accept 100% responsibility for how I responded to his A. He's got it for the A itself.

His FOO issues, and mine, had set up an unhealthy dynamic between us that I have been feverishly trying to understand, heal, and change during these almost 4 years.
I am proud to say I have made great progress, reclaiming my own power, & exploring my own behaviors, strengths, weaknesses, inclinations and talents.....

I am trying simultaneously to keep the M, to accept that I was not able to meet some of my H's needs, and he wasn't able to meet some of mine.

But here's the thing: although he has been completely NC for over 3 years, is truly remorseful and loving, his way of showing his love and commitment to me still leaves a big gap for me and the "needs" I still have...
What I most want, and I have expressed it to him 3 billion times, is for him to be my friend - to listen, talk, share, be interested, open, social, fun, etc with me...
..He doesn't seem to know how.

What he does instead is: bring me my coffee, run my bath, stroke me, and make sexual advances to me; he's ready any time, all the time to love and be loved sexually.

So it seems his 2 primary 'love languages' are physical/sex and giving of gifts.
Mine are: quality time, and verbal communication...(paraphrasing, as I don't know the official names for the 5 languages).

So, I remain in limbo...I feel I either make the hard choice and leave him after almost 30 years and life "together" around our 4 amazing grown children and their SO's...or keep on keeping on, trying, becoming more fulfilled in the life I have that's separate from him, and to a certain degree "settling"....

Just my story....
(((all others in their own limbo)))


[This message edited by sadandtrying at 8:07 AM, December 2nd (Friday)]


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
Tropicalblush
♀ Member
Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 2nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its such a horrible place to be, isn't it?? My H was away overnight, and won't be back until very late tonight (like 3am...) Then he goes away from Tuesday to Friday. In some ways I really prefer it when he is away, which makes me think that maybe I would be better off on my own????

Lately I have been finding it very difficult to look him in the eye...


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read through many of these posts and can relate. I know I am very early in the process -- only one week since D-Day.

The only reason I'm in limbo is due to his reactions this past week. He doesn't seem committed to R.

Good signs - he went to MC and agreed to go again (despite always being dead-set against any sort of counseling) and I *think* he's in the process of doing the assigned homework reading since I can't find the book.

Bad signs - he's been withdrawn and rather sullen. Friday we went on a dinner date, and he reiterated that he has feelings for her; whereas he loves me but isn't in love with me (barf.) And, he works with her so can't go true NC, even if he wanted to.

If he was truly remorseful and wanted to R, I wouldn't be in limbo. But I'm not so sure I want to stay with someone like this.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2011
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, first time writing here. I have written and gotten a lot of response in the "general" forum.

My WH left about 1 month after I had our 2nd child (a sweet little red headed boy w/ the bluest eyes you have ever seen) in Sept 2010. And a little girl 4 years old who loved her daddy more than anything in the world. Their bond was tight.

He told me he was unhappy and had one foot out the door for a while (now he's saying at least 3 years he starting thinking about how unhappy he was and what he could do to "get out") and there wasn't any stopping him. He hadn't said a word until 2010. I didn't stop him. I cried yes. But that didn't stop him. Or anything I said or did. About a month and half later I got it out him that he was having an A with OW and she was married with 4 kids. He moved to the state she lived in and resided there for the past year. He lost his job at this time too (fired). He would occassionally call or text during the week but not much. Then we would see him on the weekends and talk more. But that was about it. He never really said much about D until this past summer.

He now lives in the state we reside in and isn't 3 hours away anymore....Before he would only see our kids about 5-6 hours every Sat. I never allowed him to take the kids out of state.

Says he would like to R, but doesn't seem to want to do the work to get there in my opinion. He apologized and said how remorseful he was the past couple of mo's after he heard I hate went on some dates. Now that has all stopped. Still says he loves me, but I have a gut feeling (and some hard evidence) he's still seeing the OW on weekends. He only left her 2 weeks ago to come work a job in the state we live in. Sometimes I wonder if it was all convenient re: the timing of him coming back closer to home, did he really want to leave her (says he does), etc..I think he expected I would let him move back in but I said no and he's living with his brother.

So I'm in limbo and haven't filed. I'm a paralegal and know all the steps inside and out. I've been working on family law and divorce cases for 10 years. And I hate the affects it has, but also you can't be in an unhappy marriage. That isn't a good example for your children either.

LIMBO LIMBO! Ughh!!


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
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