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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brooke4... I know that is crazy. She has said her last IC said to "get out". I doubt that too. I think he told her the same thing he told me, leave if you think you cannot get romance back. Leave if you cannot forgive.

I guess what I have learned is that relationships take a whole lotta attention and work. Should my M not survive, my next relationship is going to be a very good one because of what all I have learned.

imwideawake... I'm not sure how that OW could hurt you even should she read your story. I know this, sharing stories always seem to help me. Given the US has 300,000,000 people, this little corner of the internet seem hard to find. It sounds like your H was F'ing a real whore. So after the act he would pay her?

Nell, before my dday, I was not so desirable. Heck, I look at all those things and know when I first met my W, I did most all of them. Then as time goes on, it was less and less. Same for my W. Someone new comes along doing all those things to trespass on you, Affairs happen. In my W's case and I am sure like so many other waywards, once you start the drug of A, it goes on until you get slapped down with big time hurt. If you are not aware of these desirable things, act on these things, then I would say, you are not going to have the best possible relationship with anyone.

Dear Mr Nell,
You are not desirable to me. I have come to know what I want in life. I want to be desired, and want be with someone how knows how to be desirable to me.

So you can learn and hopefully pass on being desirable to our kids, I am going to share what you need to change.

Words of Affirmation - You need to compliment our kids everyday. Tell them how great they are. You need to learn how to speak a new language and do it everyday.... blah blah

Romance...
forgiveness...
etc...

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:26 AM, August 30th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tryn

You are such an early bird!!!

Then, we had the most romantic evening in a heck of a long time.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Laura and tryn!

tryn,
Oh, good! A new assignment! That letter might be a really good idea. To be honest, yep, I stopped being desirable after the kids were born... too busy being mommy. Then when they got past their super-needy baby phase, I was unhappy/unsatisfied because that focus was gone... so I LOOKED AT MYSELF AND MADE HEALTHY CHANGES (before I found out about his A). I tried some new activities/hobbies, made some new friends, made an effort to do things to be desirable to WH like making sure to go to him and greet him with a smile and a kiss every day when he got home from work, call him or send texts throughout the day to say "I love you" or "Hi, sexy!" or whatever, ask him about work, etc. Of course, he had absorbed my unhappiness, gotten unhappy himself and decided to look elsewhere for his happiness by that time. So it didn't do a whole lot of good. Except possibly make him rethink his A, which was getting annoying and overtly manipulative anyway, and decide to "choose" me. Then after DDay, I looked at myself even harder and made even more changes! And now, I'm the best woman I have ever been. And WH is working hard to get Nell circa 1996 back. I don't want to be Nell circa 1996. She was really naive and made some crap decisions based on a reality that existed only in her head. And she had pretty low self-esteem, though she hid it well. Ah, well.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

Of course, he had absorbed my unhappiness, gotten unhappy himself and decided to look elsewhere for his happiness by that time

Instead of absorbing your unhappiness he could have helped you get happy and help with the Mommy Phase

Don't go there girl, it sounds like "because I was unhappy..." You are so worth him helping you...even though it sounds like you're kicking ass in the "I'm becoming a happier me department"

0115


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

holy hell, 0115... this made me tear up:
You are so worth him helping you

Yep, I know. It's another "it is what it is" things that it took me far too long to figure out. I get it now, though. Which is why on Thursday, all hell will break loose. I'm dreading telling all in MC, and wish it were next week so I could be beyond this. I need to call it. But it's gonna be ugly.
F^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ck.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - I agree with 0115. Try not to go there. I've done this too, the "because I had post-natal depression, because I had tumor in my leg, because I didn't give him enough sex, lost my libido and was depressed about that, and so on and so forth." We do have a responsibility to ourselves for our own happiness but we are also worth the help from our partners to get there, not the total contempt and disrespect shown by this alternative behaviour. My STBXH has said to me that he was 9 tenths happy in our marriage, he just let the one tenth that he wasn't happy with get to him (not enough sex) so he took the "easy" way out. The "easy" way out apparently was to betray me for at least 5 years in the most brutal way destroying several families including ours in the process. Wouldn't it have been "easier" to have dragged me to counselling by the hair if necessary, or ask outright for a divorce before going down this road. I'm not deflecting my responsibilities within the marriage here but surely that would have been "worth" so much more. He wanted his cake as they say.

As for desirability. There are things about my H that I no longer found desirable, he had put on a massive amount of weight over the years, flirted outrageously with all my friends etc but did I think "right, I'll have an affair with the neighbour". No.

From now on just doing the things that make us happy will give us the feeling of desirability and feeding our own spirit will make us shine.

Love Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of our WS could have done many different things other than cheat to deal with whatever issues they had at the time.
My FWH said that the MOW meant nothing to him and that he loved only me....
meanwhile he risked everything that he had for this... a meaningless sexual affair with a woman that he had zero respect for... zero affection for...a woman that he threw under the bus immediately after d-day and never looked back...not even when we were separated for 6 months and he could have done whatever he wanted.

Nothing about infidelity is logical... nothing about it makes sense....
looking back on it my FWH just shakes his head and calls it total insanity.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, August 30th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sending good thoughts everyones way....some prayers and some love....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WARNING: This whole post is a giant Nell purge.

If you ever need to make some easy money, invite me to a card game. I have no poker face. At all. Plus I'm a terrible liar. When asked a question, I spill the beans immediately, even if I would rather not.

WH confronted me in anger last night about why I am being so cold, etc., was I just going to MC as "an excuse" to end things, called me a couple names and threw something away that he had given me earlier in the day. I didn't sugar coat anything, but did tell him that I'm at a loss, that I don't know what else to do, that I feel that I've worked really hard over the last 18 months and have been doing it mostly alone, that his requests to communicate isn't possible given his previous responses to any prior communication between us that isn't all happy happy, etc. I got "I am working hard, too, during the past three weeks" and his list includes reading 5 Love Languages and talking to me about it, planning the trip out of town for our anniversary, being more present and writing me the letters about our relationship 1996-2003. When I pointed out that it was all feel-good stuff and I couldn't count on him to do anything uncomfortable or difficult, he told me that it isn't all feel-good stuff (I am wrong). Then asked me again what he can do. Jesus. I said, look, I don't know what to tell you anymore. I don't know what you can do. There's no magic bullet that you can do that is going to make me be happy. I feel undesired and undesirable. I feel alone and lonely. I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel unimportant. I feel proud of myself for working really hard to be the best woman I've ever been, but I'm just miserable at the same time. I feel completely disconnected from you and yet I can enjoy going out to dinner with the boys and talking with you. I want someone to have my back, and you don't. I can't count on you. I am tired of not being authentic. I am tired of always having to measure my words with you so I don't upset you because anytime I try to talk to you about my feelings, you get pissed off and tell me I'm wrong. I am tired of always having to be the Responsible One. And I don't even want to have this conversation because without a third party to mediate, it's going nowhere anyway.

Then this morning he was all huggy and luvy with me. I don't know what the fuck he's thinking. I'm going to watch his computer use today and see what he's doing... because he's not telling me what's going on with him, he just wants to know where I am. Power play or caring, I don't know which.

Argh. Tomorrow can't come fast enough. I just hope he leaves me alone today. I didn't get much sleep and my ability to rise above is severely limited.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 9:38 AM, August 31st (Wednesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Funny  Posted: 9:54 AM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to join this thread. So much to discuss. Don't want to relay whole story - those who want to know can read my profile.

Anyway a really good day today. Trigger and WH recognized and held me and gave a solution!!! Proactive!!! On his own!!!

2 1/2 yrs of IC and MC has accomplished something!!!

Thanks for all your support. I have been lurking.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrs- Welcome.
It does sound as if your FWH is finally 'getting it'.
It is hard for them to know what to do when we trigger because often their first reaction is guilt and shame. And then because they feel bad they either lash out and tell you that you need to get over it or they minimize and say they don't know what else to do...

Nell-
It does sound like your FWH is doing some things- reading and discussing the Five Love Languages, planning the vacation, and writing you letters about those years (was that a timeline of his infidelity?).
Most WS would agree with him that he is working on the marriage.
Its just hard because we as the BS are so traumatized by the betrayal that these actions often seem like they are not enough.
What other things would you need from him? Does he go to IC? Would that help you? If you knew he was seeing an IC on a regular basis?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI everyone,

I am new to any forums so please excuse any mistakes I may make. I am relatively new here and guess this is the thread for me. H had a 8+ LTA.
Won't post the whole story here but we were doing False R since 06/25/2011 when he moved back home. I have known almost since the first week it hadn't ended, but was trying to first get myself strong enough and second we had a trip with our youngest daughter planned for 09/16 so I was trying to collect myself.

Well patience is not one of my strongs suits so I brought it out Monday as he was leaving for "work" yet early again.

We had a small discussion last night, I did manage to keep my cool, and that was one of the hardest things i have done.

He was so angry at me for not trusting him?? WTF And he thinks I had him followed, I didn't but I will never tell that. The last of the conversation was me telling him he had 2 options learn honest & get in counseling or we would file. His response was "You got that right, have me followed!!"

Since I am new at all of this, is the intense anger normal & why the preoccupation with someone following him.

BTW we have beem married for 31+ years and together for most of the last 39 years. I am still amazed that he has done this & the pain it caused my entire family.


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just going to go into MC, lay it all out on the table, and see what happens next.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ImNellNow... It is good you shared your feelings. That was a good thing.

Thing is, your H can “think” he is "working hard", and to him in his own mind, he is. But because he has no understanding of what truly is needed. He will then be unable to give you what you need. He does not know because he really has no understanding of how to be intimate to you. What was desirable to you in the past is no longer what he needs to do. He does not know how to be desirable.

So what are you going to do tomorrow?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shell_Shocked.. As a adult man, I cried maybe once in 25 years. Then dday came and I cried several times a day for 90 days straight. So much for men not crying.

I wish I could tell you your pain is just going to drain away with like the waters are doing in the NE right now. But with that water was a flood leaving all kinds of nasty, smell muck. Just know it can be cleaned up, but it take years to rid the mold.

Peace be with you and hope you join our group.

BTW.. my W once told me she didn't want to live a life under a microscope. Well, tough luck, she cannot control if and when I want to do that. If she doesn't like it, leave me.

2yrs+recovering.. welcome back.

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:13 PM, August 31st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
I wish the pain would wash away quick but I think it's here for the duration. I have always been as honest as possible and always believed that the truth & love was enough to get through it. Dang am I learning. Just hope I can keep my emotions under control, I do not want to show my anger or pain. And if he starts crying it really does throw me, after all those years of "Men don't Cry". And the anger really throws me too, I mean I did not put us here.

Can I ask one question, what made you cry? I sit and think about all of his tears when he was living with OW-Whore and don't get it!


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shell_Shocked:

... is the intense anger normal & why the preoccupation with someone following him.

Welcome(?)

In my experience, soon after dday intense anger from my WS was the norm. It took months for her to gradually migrate from the "reality" she had told herself in the years leading up to and during her A's. Her A partners of course had agreed with her and reinforced her beliefs. So did some of her family and friends. While she was still figuring out the real reality, she was angry at me for many things.

Even without FWW’s mental re-writing of our history, this makes sense to me. We had been conflict avoiding for years. I quit saying anything to her because she would just explode at me over some random thing if I criticized her. She had no reason to start anything with me that might upset her life with the OM. Once dday occurred, there was suddenly more intimacy in our relationship than ever before. Years of hurt feelings and resentment on both sides, fueled by the explosive emotions of the A discovery put us both on a hair trigger for emotions.

Finally, it is my experience that when someone is not good at understanding how they feel, and why, that the emotions often come out as anger. Embarrassment, fear, pain; they can all express as anger. I think that this is especially true for men.

As for the “being followed”, FWW was paranoid after dday too, and with good reason. After years of going about her secret second life, she was suddenly exposed. She knew some of the methods I had discovered the truths, but not all of them. There were times she thought I was following her that I was not, and she was very quick to catch me when I did. I suspect that initially, especially if she or he is still trying to protect contact, truth, or anything related to the A, it is a time of great anxiety and paranoia for the WS.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Shell_Shocked
♀ Member
Member # 33119
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsenaotie,

Thanks for the Welcome, even though I know we would all prefer to NOT be here.

What you said makes sense to me, he has a very hard time dealing with emotions. But that is from his childhood and our rocky teenage years.

The following he believes I had a P.I. although no one was, lol. Even in the anger & pain of this discussion I still see humor in that part. He just wasn't as smart on hiding things as he thought. But I will let him believe how he wants.

One day at a time............


BS 53
WH 53
M 31 yrs together 39 yrs
DDay1 04/26/2011 LTA
DDay2 06/12/2011
OW - Co-worker whore
3 Adult Children
5 Grand Children
06/25/2011 False R
Preparing for D, hoping for real R

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Midwest
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shell-shocked

I'm glad you found this site, you will get great support. You will be angry for a very long time, then back to grief, then anger, disbelief, anger and so and so on. I found that once my soon to be ex husband had got over the initial embarrassment, guilt and shock of being discovered, he then went into "victim" mode i.e. "one day I'll tell you how I was feeling which made me have the affairs", "I was in the darkest place mentally" etc etc. Your H is trying to deflect his affairs by obsessing about the PI thing rather than focussing on what he needs to be doing to make this right.

I feel for you, it is a hard and long road that can only get easier to navigate with time.

Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 31st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shell

I'm so sorry you had to find us.

The anger (his) I believe is normal. Most I think is actually not knowing how else to deal with everything and I think is really anger at themselves.

About 3 weeks after dday my fwh hit me - it was when I confronted him about OW1. He was horrified when he did it and kept apologising for it for weeks. I too was very angry and often said things like "Don't be ridiculous. Hitting me is a single drop in the bucket compared to the huge pain your As have caused me. I'd choose hours of a beating rather than the agony of what you have done to me". And he knew I was serious.

After a few weeks when I finally started to be able to really look at where we were I changed the way I responded. For most of our M I tried hard for us to "get on". When he was cranky over stupid things I tried to appease him. He manipulated me very well. I was the good little wifey who always tried to make him happy.

After I found out about OW1 and OW2 (there was also OWzero and OW3) this changed. My mantra became - IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!! PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO!!!!!

So if he got cranky that's what I'd scream at him -often like some demented bangee!!!!! Along with some other choice language I'd never used in my life!

It didn't take long for his anger to disappear. He knew I meant it. I said "I will not live with a cheating lying arsehole or someone who gets angry with me because of what HE did. I've put up with your sullen, cranky, bad-tempered ways for long enough and I won't do it anymore."

Hard as it may be to believe he has totally changed. He is rarely hard to get on with now. I believe he used this to manipulate me for many years. I was the one who wanted us to be happy together and he knew it (even while he was off with his whores).

So don't put up with it honey. What's the worst that could happen if you put your foot down? He'd leave? Well so be it. He doesn't deserve to keep you if that is his attitude and you deserve better.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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