After dday, sure I flirted. I got smiles, I got hugs, I even started intentionally trying to begin an emotional relationship with a woman was sending me signals too… Flirting to me is exactly what Dip defined. What I have learned today is how to love people with words of affirmation. I guess you can say that is flirting.
Ats.. Sorry you are selling the boat. I was hoping to travel down on buz one day and pop in for a ride.
FNF.. I loved that movie.
DeepP... I understand your feelings about OM. I too have those thoughts. I often jog in an area OM could be running and I fantasize about tripping his ass and pounding his face. But then it always ends with him filing charges and lawsuit! I would hate it worse if he got money from me...
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:32 PM, August 15th (Monday)]
Sometime in life, some people just don’t know how to love someone else.
BTW, I don’t see you as foolish. I see you smart enough to place that VAR. You decided to trust. Nothing wrong with that decision. I am glad you followed your gut.
It so hard to make a change in life. I get it.
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:26 PM, August 15th (Monday)]
I would need to know the truth first and foremost and then decide how to go about R.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh but these unremorseful WS just get to me....
Sorry that you're here again.
if i may ask, why do you really live separately...marriage is hard enough when you live together, like each other and have kids, jobs..normal shit....but living separately.....especially now....close to impossible....
and i am sorry he is not steppin up...and his ea, bein only an ea...highly unlikely....i am sorry...but you may want to check that out...its very hard to go from having sex with someone to not having sex with them, ....at least not in an extramarital sich...and if he is meeting her, its probably for a bit more then talking....i hope i am wrong
fnf: i too liked that movie...it was a good one and i found i enjoyed more then i thought i would..
you guys are stuck with me til sat...and then i hope you all get your wish for me and that is that we have a good time...
@trynhard - thanks, I am glad I trusted my gut and not him..
njgal - We are in the process of dissecting it again. I do want to know what I am reconciling and who I am r'ing with. The only proof I have is of the ea..he did say that he thought they continued this time they might have gotten back to where they were. First time he has admitted that and I think it would have, if it didn't already.
Iwant - he started the paperwork to move here - I am in Canada he is in the US. I am currently holding it and have not turned it into the lawyer for processing as I do not want him here if he is not committed. He knows that, he needs to stop contact before he leaves and deal with why he is like that. If not he will find another here, at least that is what I believe. He has his own business and due to the storms has work until next spring. We have lived apart for 2.5 years now. All the kids are grown and living in the US.
Thanks for your responses. I have followed your stories and enjoy the levity in this thread. Take care tribe of LTA.
You cannot make sense of irrational behavior.
Frankly, FWH doesn't have any idea how to handle me. And I don't have any instructions to give him. I am working on my gut feelings with a little practicality mixed in. ats - you will know when you are ready to leave your M. No one can tell you when, but you will know. I think you're getting close, but maybe not quite there.
Wish I had more time this morning...would like to weigh in on the flirting thing. I haven't flirted in so long....I might have to see if Amazon has "Flirting for Dummies!"
Gotta go to work. I'll try to check in later and maybe by then I won't be in such a funk.
Strongish: hang in there.
To all who voiced concern over my dating attempts - thank you. My online subscription runs out in 10 days & that will be the end of that. It's just not for me.
Feeling sad, but that's it.
Peace to all.
higal480, hope your trip is going well. I will not make any jokes about you getting lei-ed in HI.
Welcome back strongish, I feel very calm about the prospect of D, but imagine that there will be additional grieving if it becomes reality.
DP, I am more a biker and swimmer, never liked running and I prefer yoga over weight lifting. Over the years I have developed my "flabs" more than my abs. One of my job prospects is off the table. After 3 telephone calls, including one with the VP, they relisted the position. I think I would have done a good job for them, but I am not the “package” they envision. One of the job prospects FWW had, that would have been a good fit for her and paid well, the previous employee decided to stay so they are no longer filling the position.
At the Ats house we seem to have a cycle. FWW is depressed and full of shame, no fun, so Ats does 180-lite and focuses on self and life. The result is FWW withdrawing more, acting more depressed, not being pro-active at all. Ats stays detached rather than trying to rescue, which keeps the spiral going.
Yesterday she was talking again about losing her last job. I thought it was interesting how she needs to go over the information again and again to process it, but if I tried to do that about the A's....
I was already starting to miss you.
The processing of information over and over and over......... I can relate to that. The fact that I should not do it, I can also relate to that.
You still need to be PICKY.
Hugs to the tribe.
Wh called me at work several times today just to check in. Frankly it became annoying. The last phone call he said he was lonely and that he thinks this is one reason why...um okay, the first 2 yrs of marriage and 1 yr dating I was there daily. Next excuse please!
Allgood - yes alot of history and you are right it was another dagger. I tried online dating after first marriage...did not work out well. It works out for some, have some fun flirting!
Ats - I agree that the anticipation of pa is a high. I think he did go back to a pa but no proof. Regardless he cheated one is not better than the other. He said he is figuring out the why..so far low self esteem, attention seeking and today lonely. He said he needs therapy and I fully agree! I hope your job prospects improve!
It is good to be back on the board. I was never any good at flirting. I like to stay in the background. I hope all of you have a great night!
Sorry I have been absent so much. Too much going on at work.
I think he did go back to a pa but no proof.
So sorry honey. It really is a shitty place to be.
I can relate as I know I will never know how many OWs he had.
I keep trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter how many there were.
What matters is how he is now.
It is a huge battle. I understand.
What we need to decide is whether the person he is now matters more than the arsehole he was before.
Wish I had more to help you
I haven't been able to write much lately but......
Just wanted to offer everyone big hugs and thank you for being such wonderful friends.
Heaven for me would be meeting you all IRL.
Love you all
I think this whole online dating debacle is what has prompted my tailspin into reaching out to the x for more "Why, why, why?" kind of circular conversations.
This has been ongoing now for 3-4 days now.
In the end, he didn't give the answers I wanted, didn't have the attitude I wanted & in feeling both hurt & embarrassed, I then lashed out with a couple of low blows, making me look like a complete nut job.
In a nutshell, this is what I have learned over the past few days & to an extent it does shed light on the situation:
He still wants to be with me, but he was not happy the way things had been going. He had told me when we had that "last" conversation about our ability to R (right before we told the kids at the end of June) that he didn't need to be happy, he just wanted to stay with me & the kids. I do recall him saying that now & me responding by saying I didn't want to live like that. Why he wasn't happy he is unable to articulate. He admits he was happy "at times". I would guess it's because I was really super pissed off and wasn't acting all that thrilled to be in a relationship with him. We didn't have the relaxed easy & happy relationship he wanted.
Of course we all know that's a bunch of marshmallow baby talk, but it's the way he thinks.
So, here I am. Trying to meet someone else & yet not wanting to be with someone else because I still want to be with my x. How f-d up is that - that I would want to be with someone who consistently treated me like crap?
Alright, got to go.
Flirting... I only flirted with people who I saw as completely safe to flirt with. (My BIL or WH's BFF, for example, but not the neighbor or coworker.) But I am a friendly person, I suppose other people could read my eye contact, admiration (if they do stuff I find admirable), chatty demeanor, etc. as flirty.
I'm sorry. I hope you don't have to sell your boat. Continue to be strong on the no-rescuing front. She has to figure out how to fish herslef out of her funk and that's why she has IC.
I'm sorry. That sucks. Not your fault... but you figured it out and now what?
If you're not ready to date, that's okay. Even cyberdating would feel weird to me.
Speakin' of which... (nice transition, yes?) I tried to stay in the moment during our vacation... and parts of it was really nice. WH and I get along well, have nice conversations, etc. But I think I might be done. WH was by my side the whole time, except once when I needed to find some coffee so I walked to the downtown area (couple of blocks) alone... best time all weekend. It felt GOOD to be out by myself. I missed the Boyos, but they were happy as clams away from us (me) and that helped soothe my fears, too. Saw some artwork that contained the language, "Do not have fear, brothers and sisters, for G-d is with you" and one wannabe songwriter I was talking to said "Go start over again, and live with more joy than you think you deserve" and I had a hard time, after both those things, keeping it together. Hello, signs? I gotz em. I'm going to take another week and live my real life and see if I feel the same way. Am I being oblique? I'm thinking the time for R has come to an end. I have been sitting with it and it feels okay.
We'll see if I change my mind tomorrow.
I was returning to my office, on the phone with FWW when I saw a vehicle with my employer's logo that I did not recognize. The driver made eye contact and waived, and I responded with a smile and waive without thinking. Then I realized it was OM1. I gave FWW an excuse and got of the phone and seethed for the next 20 minutes or so until I could calm down. She is travelling to take DS18 to college, so I will not tell her why I ended the call so abruptly until she gets home tonight.
I only flirted with people who I saw as completely safe to flirt with. (My BIL ...
Nell, It was flirty/erotic texts between FWW and her BIL that she forgot to erase from her phone that led to dday after I found them. Flirting with her BIL was NOT safe in their case.
Not a problem Nell. Just an early and busy morning and then finding myself unintentionally being polite to OM threw me off. I was still a bit tense when I posted. I do think the extent of FWW’s relationship with her BIL is the remaining big unspoken truth in our relationship.
You are still on a roller coaster. You may have changed seats when your H moved out but you are still on one. Maybe you need to not worry about meeting other men right now. You are going through a hell of an adjustment. I know it has to be so very hard. Remember that four letter word? TIME. Take you time and let things come to you. Remember what tryn said about chasing the bus?
Hugs to the tribe.
....I might have to see if Amazon has "Flirting for Dummies!"
i honestly think though that if someone interesting or better then that hot and interesting came into your life you would know how to flirt...
What I wanted was for him to see that I was strong, could take care of myself, etc., instead I was a blithering idiot.
and its ok for our kids to see we are human, to see we hurt too....and you are strong....i honestly believe the strong are not embarassed to show how they really feel....its brave to show someone your pain
I do not want him here if he is not committed. He knows that, he needs to stop contact before he leaves and deal with why he is like that. If not he will find another here, at least that is what I believe.
ok...well wouldn't moving to where you are be a good first step, not mention a huge first step to showing his commintment..
as for the nc...absolutely...
as for figuring out the why...that could take a long long time....and honestly would be a work in progress...but trying to live as husband and wife when so so far apart...well its taking it through another ringer...if he lived closer to you, not necessarily with you, but closer and worked on being the man you need him to be might help the reconcilliation process...living so far away reconcilliation is highly unlikely...
and of course this would have to be his choice, and honestly he should have already done it...or should do it....i think it would speak volumes to his comittment to you....
his being so compliant and ready to stay where he is shows he is not willing to put himself out on a limb...
just some food for thought
allgood: i will miss your stories of these new experiences...i am with dip to certain extent...i think it would be nice if you met someone, i dont think actively seeking it is the right answer for you at this time....by all means put yourself out there...go dancing, join in outdoor activities...join a group that has meetings....and let it happen right now naturally if it is to happen....and i know it will, you are smart, beautiful and have a wicked sense of humor..
as for reaching out to your ex....i understand...you want him to be the man you thought he was and probably is or could be....and he is puttin his head in the sand, stompin his feet havin a grown up tantrum because he wants what he wants the way he wants it or he dont want it no more....
ats: not sure what to say to you these days...i am sorry you are selling the boat, i know how much peace that has brought you....as for your wife...she is doing everything she can....now you need to decide if its enough..
as for your being nice to the om....you werent...not technically..you didnt recognize him and returned the greeting to a stranger....
dip: i love being missed..
laura: would love to meet you too....and i would love to meet you in australia...its a trip i have always wanted to take..
nell: just because you enjoyed some time alone does not mean you are really ready to let the marriage go...it means you enjoyed the break from all of it and frankly who wouldnt...its always full of drama even when things are well, the drama is always there though waiting in your mind...your mind never rests, its always thinkin, your heart is always feelin, and basically we are broken people trying to put our lives back together....some of us are able to piece some of it together and some of us are faking it, and some of us just need some "peace"...to quiet the mind, the feelings and ever racing thoughts...
Allgood: I'm so sorry, honey. You are NOT ready to date. You have a lot of healing to do. It is NOT crazy that you still yearn for your xH. Hell, I still yearn for my first xH. I guess when I think of him, I've forgotten all the bad and just remember the good, and in reality the good did outweigh the bad in most cases
BUT, I do know that I really don't know the man he is today. I still love the man I married over 35 years ago, and he doesn't exist any more. You've known your WH for a very long time, and are still in love with the man you married, but he has changed, or perhaps, from what I have been reading, he has NOT changed and is the same teenager wanting to live a singles lifestyle and YOU are the one that grew up. I agree with Miracle, join groups that you can engage in activities that you like. Forget about meeting someone right now, it will happen, I know it. You are a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person.
Nell: Just being away from the drama is refreshing. You do need to really decide if D is really what you want. You need to explore it fully, all the things from finances, to child support, to only seeing him for visitaion for the kids, really being on your own. D or R are both very difficult. YOu have to choose what is best for you.
I am trying to detach, but am realizing that NPD still is trying to keep emotional hooks in me.....
Lining up my ducks.