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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.... Did you have email sextexting of how "hot" it would be.. blah blah? Send him a naked picture? If you did, it's now on the porn sites. Don't do that! Smoke'n hot chicks are in high demand.

OK.. It can't be that bad, can it?

So what, you did it, you pick yourself up and forge ahead. Your H thinks of this as so minor compared to his evil. That's why he did say too much.

BTW.. you are walking my path I walked. Done that too once. Even told my W. Crazy how we all seem to do the same stuff.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((nell))))

nell you are not goin anywhere...kkk

and i think 4 days of flirting is hardly an affair....it is what it is 4 days of flirting....had you taken it somehwhere else...then yeah...but flirting not a shot

and if you did take it somewhere...we understand, and more then that you "see" that it is not the way to fix what is broken within your marriage...if you were giving up on the marriage...but you aren't...

we are here for you, no judgement..just support


(((nell)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, if nekkid pictures WERE exchanged, I think we would need to evaluate them to determine how serious your crime.

again, just trying to help.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - Damn you are too hard on yourself. I think it's completely understandable what you did. Our self esteem is in the damn toilet and it's hard not to seek some praise from an outside source. I don't think 4 days of flirting, even if if the topic of conversation became semi or completely inappropriate, is an emotional affair. Seriously.
I really don't have the time to convince you, so just accept that you are still awesome in our eyes.

Dip: Someone from an online dating site emailed me. Guess what his interests included: "Grilling".

Was that you?

Ok, gots to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: What happened is perfectly understandable!! It was not a true EA. You were on a slippery slope and recognized it and stopped.

Compare it to someone who doesn't drink and becomes drunk one night and starts to do some things they wouldn't do, and they stop the behavior.

You stopped the behavior!!!
You recognized what you were doing, and kept your boundaries. No 2 x 4's here. Don't get down on yourself for wanting some external validation and wanting to feel loved and wanted.

Keep repeating to yourself that you are human, started to slip, and stopped. You are taking full responsibility for this, and not blameshifting, TT or anything else.

Now, just sit back and evaluate this. Do you want to continue to R or not? This is the issue underneath it all. We have your back no matter what you decide.

{{{{{Nell}}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 1:52 PM, August 12th (Friday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Damn, you caught me! You are even smarter than I thought. I will say this. Last saturday when I read about that guy just sending you his phone # and nothing else, I was very and I mean very tempted to pm you with just my phone #. Lack of privacy and the fact that I figured you would show me by really calling that number made me not follow through. I doubt I could ever explain to my W why a hot young female D lawyer from NY would be calling me.

ats.

I do not know how you do it but once again you are right.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell,

That's why they are called boundaries. You hit one. The minute you realized where this was headed you stopped. That's what you are supposed to do and you did it exactly right. If boundaries are never tested then we will never know if they are reliable or not. Quit beating yourself up. The first thing that takes a hit after we find out about the LTA is our self esteem. As others have said, we all need to feel attractive and no time more than now. The real key is knowing when to stop because you see what's coming. You did nothing wrong and you did everything right. I believe that's why your husband didn't get very upset. You stopped and he didn't. You did it right and he didn't.

(((Nell)))


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nell

I agree with everyone else. Please stop beating yourself up.

The only 2X4 you will get from me is about how you are hurting yourself. Please don't hold what you have done against yourself. You didn't make a mistake because you stopped before it got out of hand.

I have done some things I know I shouldn't have done too. After dday I actually spent time looking for old (VERY old like from high school days ) boyfriends on FB etc. Didn't find any fortunately but I don't know what would have happened if I did. I also started checking men out who were alone at the supermarket and even found myself striking up inane conversations with men in gas stations!!!! It is natural to look for validation after dday.

I also have a colleague at work who is single, very hot, available and wealthy (he is about to retire). Am I tempted - of course. I even have found myself chatting more to him than I have in the past. Slippery slope - yep. But you know.... I am not going to do anything. In fact if he responds I'll run. Because it's not me. I am just enjoying that little buzz you get when someone finds you attractive. (besides the SOB cheated on his wife years ago - that's why he is single!!!)

I would NEVER have done any of these things before dday. Wouldn't have bothered to be honest. I have no intention of having a relationship outside the M and obviously neither do you.

Chin up honey. You have nothing to punish yourself for. Your FWH's response was the right one. He knows this too!!!

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:30 PM, August 12th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, August 12th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay.
Phew.
Thanks you all. This is why I love you!

I still think what I did was shitty... because I did not act with honor. And that sucks. I had that up til now. The good news is that the guy I was flirting with did act with honor when I said "I'm acting like an asshole, I've got to stop this, this will be my last email to you," and he agreed. (No nekked pictures... LOL ats. Thanks for the chuckle.) But yeah, there was some as tryn put it "how 'hot' it would be.. blah blah." BTW he's a XBH, not from SI. So two people who should have known better.

Okay. I am feeling better.

honest,

Now, just sit back and evaluate this. Do you want to continue to R or not? This is the issue underneath it all.

Ding ding ding. Damn, lady, you hit the nail on the head. I'm coming up against my self-imposed deadline (1 year post-DDay#2), I'm (still) going on the long weekend "anniversary" trip that WH planned... yup. A little soul suicide? Speaking of souls, how is yours?

I'm not actually sure what I think about WH's response. It was basically, I'm sorry you felt you had to do that, and then a repeat of everything he always says. We don't need MC, the books focus on the negative and we need to have fun and look at the positive, he married me because I'm special, of course he finds me attractive, he chose me. I don't know. I was underwhelmed. Not that I wanted him to be destroyed, but a little tiny come-to-Jesus would have been a good thing.

Anyway. Long ass car trip to think about everything and not beat myself up.

Have I mentioned that I love you guys? I'm out for several days. Have a good weekend, keep positive thoughts for me, please. I have to put on my big-girl panties and I fucking hate those things.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell-
Sorry I'm jumping in late on this but I agree with everyone else.......
no 2x4 needed.
Perfectly understandable why we as BS would be especially vulnerable to some ego boosts.
We have been feeling so downtrodden and unappreciated for so long...that any attention feels good.
ANd..like everyone pointed out..you stopped yourself before boundaries were crossed....

Strong- Just sending some hugs your way.
I'm sure your kids will be very supportive of you regardless of what you ultimately decide to do.
And as for the other family members questioning your decision...like I always say when it comes to infidelity..you simply cannot understand the enormity of it all, the level of pain, grief, anger etc. unless you have experienced it yourself.
So..take what these people have to say with a grain of salt. They mean well but they really do not have a clue.

Honest-Glad to hear that WH/STBXH has left!
Now you can get back to focusing on your DS and on yourself..figuring out what's best for you!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - no 2 x 4 from me either.

You did something our WS did not or could not do

You stopped the behavior!!!
You recognized what you were doing, and kept your boundaries

I understand the need for external validation as your not receiving it from the person you need to hear it from MRFUCKWITNELL.!!!!!!
Baseball bat time!!!!

& his response hes so far up himself grrrrr i wont go there.
Its been so long since Ive had any validation from WW Im not sure I would recognise it now.

We love & care about you - yr goin no where!


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

You are up late LOL.

Hope all is well with you and you get some answers very soon.

As for your WW. Well you know what I think and what I'd like to do - regardless of what you learn.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More thanks.
Back because I needed to read your words again before the trip.

More love all around.

((((((((((((((TRIBE))))))))))))))


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank Laura - bit tired & sore - 1st day back on the bike since the flu followed by some weight training.
New job is 4 mins from the pool - so thats lunch time covered & have booked in for a month of bootcamp training in Nov.
Gunna kick his ass &*^&%&* i mean some ass.

Gotta go grillin honey soy chicken.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nell: i kno u are away...but i gots a question and if i dont post it i will never remember it...and i would love to know everyones take on the question too

before finding out who your spouse really was, would u ever think twice about flirtatious behavior on your part...??

i ask, because who i was before,...i would flirt and not think twice, i also knew that it would never go anywhere....i had opportunity, but i loved my husband with all that i had and all that i was...and never ever gave it a thought...i actually had seen him flirt and again never gave it a second thought....it was just not a thought that would ever become an action...and i thought i was the same for pfm too....

the difference is for me it was and for him it never was...i just thought it was...(damn i think i am starting to talk in circles but oddly still understand what i am trying to say...whether or not you all understand me...totally diff matter )


point...we are changed..this became a pivotal moment in our lives and shaped who we are now...prior to d-day flirting ..never gave it a thought, it was always harmless..at least for me....

that was then and this is now though...i view the world quite differently...

and i can understand way more then i used to about this side of infidelity...but that another topic for another day...


(((nell)))

we love you too, have a good time...and stay with the knowledge that you are still a stand up girl all the way...


[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:52 AM, August 13th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, August 13th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and i would love to know everyones take on the question too

iwam, after M and before dday flirting was not something I did. Part of the reason is I never "saw" the opportunities. While FWW was involved in her A's, she would talk about how this woman or that woman "loved" me, and would be good for me. I would tell her she was being silly and that was not the case. Part of this was me lacking the confidence that others would see me as attractive and worthy, much of it was I wass not looking.

Since dday my eyes are open. I see the attrtaction from some others, including one FWW had mentioned. Since dday I have flirted some, it is nice to get that affirmation. I have met people for coffee at work where I am sure there was more to the meeting than just work. I now see how the whole flirting and increasingly intimate conversation works. I am not ready to pursue anyone else yet, but it is nice to know there are options if I am ever in that position.

deeppurple, I too am recently back to the bike after a couple of weeks away. I am always disappointed at how quickly the snap and endurance leaves the legs.

Taking pictures of the boat today for the sale listing.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: Like Ats, I never thought about flirting or even saw that men were interested in me. I realize now that I gave an aura of unavailability to men. I'm seeing things differently now, and noticing that men are looking at me! Wow.


As for me, I posted this in the NPD thread, but I would like feedback from you guys too. When WH came back with DS, he gives me a bag that had about 5 scarves in it. He tells me that he got it for me in France and that I could give one to my friend and one to my mother. I really didn't look at them.

Today, I was putting things away and looked at the scarves more closely. There are no store tags, the bag is from his country overseas and the labels are in his language. Then the perfume wafted up. Every single one of them. I even took the scarves to DS and said innocently "do you like this?" He smells and says no, he didn't like the perfume. It was NOT my imagination. I know they were OW's.

I can't tell you how much this hurts. I thought I had detached. I don't know if this hurts more or the fact that WH had me buy those dress suits for OW saying they were for his sisters.

I don't know if I should confront him with this, and face the blameshifting, twisting and turning of facts and no remorse at all or just leave it be and continue to try to detach.

On one hand I don't want to do this because he gets away with too damn much as it is.

WTF is wrong with him? I thought maybe the bag of scarves was in his bag from another trip and he forgot and covered for it this way, but still, it hurts like hell anyway. Why should I even be making excuses for him?

Sorry for the vent. Damn him.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honest

Get MAD honey. Really MAD!!!!!

That POS STBXH of yours had the audacity to give you OWs scarves and pass them off as a gift.

HOW DARE HE!!!!!!!!

I don't know if I should confront him with this, and face the blameshifting, twisting and turning of facts and no remorse at all

Honey, do not mention them to him. Do not give them another thought. Get rid of them. Then forget them. Do not engage with him unless absolutely essential.

If it was me I would go out in the yard and build a nice little fire. I would make a real ceremony of burning them. I would do it slowly. I'd add one at a time and enjoy the image of them burning and imagine his soul in hell.

I know I am an evil vindictive bitch. But honey you are way too nice. You really need to get mad. You have to stop getting hurt. You have to stop making excuses for him. He is a POS!!!!! Please stop letting him hurt you. PLEASE!!!!

I don't know how you get out of this truly shitty sich you are in. But PLEASE stop letting him hurt you.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest- I agree with Laura...burn those scarves! or cut them up into a thousand pieces and throw them away in the trash!
Your STBXH is scum...truly a total narcissist without one ounce of sensitivity.
He is completely clueless as to how awful he is treating you, his sons, everyone...
you need to think of yourself and your boys now.

and..of course... other men would find you attractive! You are a very attractive woman!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any of you see this craigslist post?

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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