Sometimes, we just know the A is a dealbreaker, yet we try anyway. If the WS doesn't do thier part, there is nothing we can do.
For me, I’m sure people who had LTA’s really enjoyed the experience when it was going on. It’s the after exposure it becomes not so pleasant. You will never erase those good feelings they had while have that affair. Although it was over 28 years ago, I can remember. Everyone I loved on always felt good. Even a couple of ONS. I had lust, I had fun, good memories and I had all those good feelings while I was single. People in affairs are living a married single lifestyle. Of course, these good feelings when Married Single are selfish and greedy with a big price hurting someone you care about. You are lying to yourself if you think it was not enjoyed.
Lostsoul, part of accepting is knowing the above and being OK with it. People lose their way in life, be it addictions, selfishness, or whatever it may be. Your H made a selfish mistake and it has hurt you badly. It’s hurt you like a death of someone very important. You now know the “pain of end”. Accepting take a long time. Do you accept these things?
- I accept my M even though my H has committed adultery
- I accept my pain and know pain is part of everyone’s life
- I accept that people that we love are not always going to be loyal or loving
- I accept that what other do I cannot control
- I accept that despite my hurt, pain, and what I went through, I can and will still love my spouse if I want to.
- I accept that my spouse now loves only me.
- I accept that is possible for someone to love two people in differ ways.
- I accept that I can be scared and must have the courage to change if I need too.
- I accept that bad things will happen to me again in life. I expect it.
- I accept responsibility for choice that I make including the decision not to D.
- I accept that it is my responsibility to make me happy, not someone else.
- I accept the things that do not change and will make choices that will protect my own happiness
- I accept my past and know where to place that past in my memory and live for today.
- I accept I can cry when I want to.
- I am going to live my life the way I want to live my life.
- I do not need any single one person to make happy.
- I am going to keep looking for things that bring me a smile
- I am going to open my eyes to the beauty of life
- I am going to love myself for who I am
Honest... you got me pegged. You sound good and your stbxh still sounds like he's lost.
Wow! What a mouth full.
So tonight, I am going out on a wine filled boat with my best friend, his GF, my W and cruise up to the fine dining on the lake tonight. Yep, we all know my W was an adulterer but we are all gonna have some fun, tell stories, complain about work, talk about rich greedy people that live on the lake, the weather, birds, stock market…
[This message edited by trynhard at 11:38 AM, August 5th (Friday)]
It is good to see you post. You are missed when you are absent. The traffic in Branson is scary enough when you have full faith in your driver. I'm sure since you have lost so much trust it must be hard to deal with. Right now the heat there is pretty bad even for those who are used to hot and humid and for those that have no other health issues. I live south of there and this heat wave is prety bad here too. Wednesday it was 114. You perspire with no effort. Try and keep cool.
Your husband will never be able to truly understand what you are going through.
None of our WS will.
They were not cheated on, lied to, betrayed, and blindsided like we were.
And infidelity is one of those things that..unless you have experienced it you cannot understand what it is like to live through it.
I am an extremely sensitive and empathetic,sympathetic person...and yet before d-day when I heard stories about infidelity, when a friend or co-worker confided in me about what they were going through... I felt bad for them but.. I did not really understand the severity of the situation.
If I heard the same story today I would react in such a different way...then.. I was a deer in the headlights..didn't quite know what to say or how to act.
So.. I really don't expect our WS to 'get it' either.
They see the destruction, the damage. They are shocked by the extent of the damage..and every time there is a period of 'quiet' they breathe a sigh of relief thinking that the worst may be over.. that we are over it.
And then.. the BS gets hit with a trigger..and the WS is shocked etc.
That was the pattern with my FWH and me.
But, we both persevered.
I found Dr. Ortman's book-Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder was helpful.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 11:30 AM, August 6th (Saturday)]
update on manchild and his license....5 hours after passing he has a fender bender with his sister... ...everyone is fine...the car is mildly damaged...really need to look for it...
nothing thankfully since then..
m3: wow, for someone so young and so vivacious you have sure had your share of shit....i am so so impressed by who you are, you have risen above it all and continue to do so...
and i hope, really really hope that you use double protection during sex, the last thing you need is another child with that man...and methinks he shares his moons with mr dishonest....so many on so many different planets...all of their own making..
as for your 3rd option...seems like there are many of us choosing that 3rd option at least for a temporary fix for now...so the question i think would become...what about after...i have a plan for after, i am looking forward to my after.....what will you do?...nell this is for you as well....when your kids are grown...then what...and what are they learning by watching your marriage such as it is...its one thing to see a bad marriage and see that the parents really love one another and are fighting to maintain a marriage...quite another to see a marriage that has no love anymore...
that one, that last one is my struggle...my kids see that i am not happy with their dad, they see him as a suck up, and not a good one at that....if they were young i would not hesitate to leave...but that is not the case, so i bide my time...compared to you nell the time i need to bide is short....yet it feels so damned long..why because i am miserable...when he is not around its easy, when he is...and there are no distractions...its hard....
distractions are good..as long as they are good distractions..
broken: you are still no new and raw....when its a lta we stay raw longer...and especially if we got tt, or got the truth slowly...it prolongs the angony...every discovery is a new d-day, every discovery is ripping the wound wide open....
give yourself time and dont worry so much about it....take it one day at a time...
and you are still a good woman...you are also a woman in pain....
first assignment...what can you do today to help you get you back...and every single day you need to do something for YOU...getting ourselves back is key in unlocking some of that pain and letting it go...
allgood: you sound so good...with all that is going on with you, you sound so together...so yay allgood..
This family is always there for each other!!! What families should be.
lostsuol: you remind so much of this woman i met at the gym...and i feel for both of you...so aside from your grandkids..what do you do for YOU...time to take some of YOU back, we get so caught up in what they did, what they got away with...it consumes us...we lose the essentials of who we are because we become so damned focused on them instead of a balance....so that balance is severely tilted...
time to untilt it and get something in your life for YOU...grandkids are wonderful but they dont count...take a class, join a club, a gym, a group...something for YOU that will ignite something within who you are...something that will bring you joy..again..no grandkids...i know how much joy they bring you...but children should be the lights on our trees and not the tree itself...
wow...so much goin on and so much pain in it all...
first on the news to your kids....it may get worse before it gets better...and you need to focus on the "it gets better"...
it will take time....but it will get better..
second: your blog and your mom...first on that...no 2x4's....not a one...second...i get the sense that maybe your mom cannot handle more then what she already had on her plate, her bother's impending death....
some people are just not wired to handle it all and must process things one at a time....she needs to process that death and i get the sense that she is not doing a good job at that.....
third...because she is incapable that leaves you wanting for a mom to let you know that you will be ok...so as a mom, maybe not your mom but a mom, so
...you will be ok, you will come away from this intact and ok...you are a wonderful woman, a terrific mom and i am proud of how you are choosing to handle this and yourself....((((awakened))))
honest: welcome back, you were missed and i was and am worried about you...glad he will be leaving soon...although it cant be soon enough....and i am glad he is doing all the repairs to the house..that is truly better for you, and i dont care what his motives are, they are never good...but it will be better for you no matter what so yay...
Pfm's actions is just business as usual from him.
The only thing I can suggest is to stop having any expectations of him
this one is hard...trying to instead of having normal expectations i am replacing the expectations with realistic ones...like he will lie, he will copy my stuff or me period, etc...
last week his mom was injured, i found out and told him...he ended up finally calling his dad...his conversation with the man was as it always was and is...very very dysfunctional....after the convo pfm turned back into the man he was prior to dday minus the verbal abuse...the emotional abuse came back as well as the rest of his behavior from then...
needless to say it was not pretty and he was put on notice....
so now i am expecting the worst and will be pleasantly surprised if it does not come to fruition....
expecations...i am also beginning to expect more from myself for myself...and for my kids and for my sich...and i am taking it one step at a time..
You are still have a lot of anger, but it's hurting you, not him
yes i am angry and i am beginning to have major resentment...and i have to change that...that is part of changing me for me...
I have been reading all your stories and really empathise.
Me I'm doing Ok on the surface but find I am often feeling really down.
FWH is doing everything right - tells me daily he loves me and he is sorry for what he did but I still look at him at times and want to cry.
I haven't been able to respond to you this last few days partly because I have been busy and partly because of this. Sometimes I almost envy those of you looking at S or D. I think maybe it would be easier. Then I think that's stupid and I should just pull up my big girl panties and suck it up!
I suspect some of this comes from a sharp decline in sex. Don't know why but we have gone from HB daily, to 3-4 times a week (for 6 months or so) to once a week or less lately.
I try to tell myself there are good reasons - we are tired, busy whatever but the reality is I am 99% sure he did it at least 2 or 3 times a week with his OWs (plus me around once a fortnight). I am finding it really hard to understand why the change. I believe he is NC. He may have had contact at work but it couldn't be anything other than talk. He has been working weekdays and I really don't think physical contact would be possible.
I really doubt he is fucking them again. If he is I suppose I will find out eventually. If he is - then it's easy - we are done!
What I believe is really bothering me is his lack of desire for me. I haven't pushed things because I am NOT interested in being a sympathy fuck. I don't want to say anything and have him change this pattern to allay my concerns. I want him to want ME. KWIM????
It's all just a little depressing. I know most of you have far more to worry about and am trying not be be a wimp. I feel bad wallowing in my pity party but it is what it is.
HUGS to all
sorry you are feeling down...
if the sex is not a happenin it could be several reasons...and i think not speaking up is a mistake...if it really is lack of desire it will be back soon enough, if its another issue this is the only way to find out..maybe its medical or emotional....men do not usually like to face their impotence...
and talk to him when its not a time to have sex, like when you are on your way out...this way its not a, hey get it up and lets do it time right then and there...and i believe that if a man doesnt want it you cant make him..they just cant fake it the way we can..kwim..
and never hesitate to post...this is not a pity party, its an issue...all issues should be posted whenever its needed....kkkk
Thank you. Not only for the good advice but for making me smile:
.this way its not a, hey get it up and lets do it time right then and there...and i believe that if a man doesnt want it you cant make him..they just cant fake it the way we can..kwim..
It's OK to have some down days. I still have them too.
My whole marriage was lived silent behavior communication. Was yours? For a man to say, “incompatible sex” was his inability to communicate to you. It is blame shifting. He never took you to a place where you could “feel” the pain your marriage would end because you were not loving him the way he needed. The reality is he probably “fell” into his affair and then started projecting his own sin. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism. But heck, my wife could not effectively communicate to me either. Me neither. I will admit I couldn’t do it either. That is what I felt happened in my M. That is what I learned from my past. What have you learned?
Your story reminds me of the day I said, “Pop Pop, it is ok to let go”. I told him it was OK to die. It was me, him and his lovechild from his lifelong unmarried partner. I could feel a very faint squeeze in my hand. He died an hour later. He had cancer and knew he was going to die. It is a miracle.
And sometimes, it is OK for a marriage to die too.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:08 AM, August 6th (Saturday)]
Awakened: due to time constraints & a schizoid computer, I read your post, but maybe too quickly to be offering any insight. I did not think that your mom's comment about how you would feel if your kids died was a low blow. Maybe I failed to grasp the sentiment properly or maybe there's a history that impacted your reaction, but that was my initial thought. So, maybe your mom is annoyed with your reaction & that is why she hasn't responded.
I have my own issues with my mom & I sometimes get some scathing emails from her & my response is usually to either ignore it or say sorry you feel that way and let it go. That's based on a looong history that warrants, in my opinion, not engaging with her. We will never have a meeting of the minds.
ANyway, I hope I didn't offen you. You are a lovely, caring person & I do feel for you, I understand entirely the sentiment of not being able to have an intact family. That's what troubles me the most out of all of this too. So, I might have been very sensitive to anything involving my kids too, who knows?
Anyway, not trying to insult you or cause you more pain, I just thought I would share my take on the conversation, for whatever it may be worth.
I'm sorry that your Mom at the very least couldn't be the bigger person & provide you with some emotional support during this difficult time.
As for me:
I'm marking my territory all over this house. Painting my bathroom lavender because I can. It was truly a delight to pick out the light fixture, no H, no kids, just me looking at them & choosing one that I actually liked without having to compromise on looks or price.
Lol. I don't know why this has thrilled me, but it has, lol.
Harsh reality as the finances are divided: yes, I get to make my own decisions without negotiating. I also get to finance them, lol. This brought a screeching halt to my fun as I realized that the vacation I had planned for me & the kids is going to take a serious dent out of my savings. It wasn't an irresponsible choice/cost at all & consistent with our past vacations, which is why I wanted to do it, but at the same time, it's all on me now. Operating without a net.
I've experienced 1 week of online dating. Omfg. It was fun at first. Had emailed 1 guy (another cop, God help me) steadily over the past week & it has since turned pretty bizarre, seems like he really was just into jumping into some sex talk. Creeped me out. I posted in New Beginnings the details.
I guess I was naive to think that people on the site might actually be looking for a relationship or that I would be matched with someone I might actually be compatible with. I suppose that's not good business though - cuz I'm sure every day I checked in they would say "Sorry, no matches found", lol. Instead they seem to give you 5-10 matches that seem like they are plucked right out the phone book without any further thought on the "match". Or, the "match" is based on the fact that we are both the eldest children and non-smokers, lol.
Anyway, met a coworker for a drink last night & it turned out to be an ambush "let's see if she likes our other friend" type thing.
I don't like ambushes & this guy obviously knew the plan & I was completely taken off guard. Nice guy though & I did appreciate the thoughfulness of my coworker, who is so sensitive to my situation despite the fact that he is much younger than me & should be busy enough with his own engagement, etc.
Long post - got to go.
Big hugs to Laura & all in need.
Miracle- Sorry that things are getting hard for you in terms of dealing with
pfm- I don't know how you do it. You are a strong woman and such a good mom...a Mama bear that will do anything for your kids.
Sorry to hear about your DS' little fender bender...these things happen with new drivers. Hopefully it will be a learning experience for him and make him even more careful as a driver in the future.
Laura- Have you guys been trying to maintain a once a week 'date night'?
Or maybe an overnight getaway may be in order.
It is hard to keep up the romance when life gets in the way but that's one thing that I have tried to change since d-day.
I did not realize that men especially need to have that 'fun' aspect in the marriage. Women tend to be able to throw themselves into the children, house, work etc. and put fun on the back burner.
Maybe think of something fun and spontaneous and different for the two of you to do this weekend?
Forget about any household chores-ditch them and go on a picnic or something, dinner and a movie, etc.
Just some thoughts...
Doing something like that during the day may help create a more romantic evening.
I cannot control WH or his emotions/feelings. I cannot make him love me the way I want him to.
I have been given a gift. At the age of 51 I am being offered to opportunity to reinvent myself or make a new start. And it looks pretty damn inviting. I am luckier than some of you because my kids our older. My youngest will be a senior in high school so a year from now all will be gone from home. There will be no reason for me to stay here. That is kind of exciting to me...at least it feels exciting when I'm not feeling terrified!
It's still hot as blazes here in TX. Every plant in my yard is crispy! I'm just glad I wasn't born in the days before a/c!
Hugs to all!
Popping in quick.
Hey Laura28.. DR. OZ says twice a week is the norm for healthy people.
Thanks. Maybe I'm getting a little greedy
LOOOOOVE the lavender bathroom and looking forward to hearinng more about your online adventures
I guess I was naive to think that people on the site might actually be looking for a relationship or that I would be matched with someone I might actually be compatible with.
Nope. I don't think naive. But you will need to be patient. There's a betrayed man out there looking for a hot chick to have fun and a real relationship with. I can't wait to hear the updates and I'm sure you'll have fun while he's finding you
Thanks for the hug.
Have you guys been trying to maintain a once a week 'date night'?
Not enough. You're right. Been too much hanging around the house. Getting out this afternoon together. We'll see. Alos started talking this morning about a weekend away in next few weeks.
I convinced myself that I was too grown-up to want my partner to hold my hand, caress my cheek, kiss my forehead, rub my feet or give me a hug.
Well, Laura, It would be nice for me to have a W that wanted sex with me about 3-4 times a week. I wonder if I really poured on the charm, she might want to do that? Maybe I should try some Sexting?
Forgot to say. My sister married quite late and he was Jekyll and Hide (turned into a monster after he got the ring on her finger). M only lasted 6 months. She was alone and didn't date for about 4 yrs. Then my brother put her details on RSVP. He set up a date for her with this guy and THEN told her what he had done!!!!
She ended up marrying him (at 45) and they have been together and happy ever since (she is now 53). He is the loveliest man.
Gotta go to work
Love to all the tribe.
Tryn: My experience this week is more of a cautionary tale - not a Hey - there's plenty of great fish out there tale. Let's face it, some guys just want to get laid. I really don't consider that a compliment, lol.
Here's the short version of what happened with that guy:
Over a week of daily email exchanges, he showed very little interest in learning anything about me - not even my name, didn't follow up or ask what I was doing, etc. He would basically respond to anything I was saying & that's that, tho there was a very lighthearted, jovial way about it. Then outta nowhere comes his revelation that he was in a boring marriage & that he's looking to explore his naughty side & that he's horny. I laughed it off (while trying to ignore the red flags), but then he decides that we are "fellow freaks" & starts asking me how long I've been a freak, etc.
Anyway, I am chatting with a few other people now. All single guys with no kids. And here I am with 4 kids. I don't get it. Maybe they want an insta-family. Or, maybe they figure I don't have enough free time to require a lot of dating before having sex. Lol. Who knows?
Nice on the ego tho.
I'm writing here cos I don't really know where to go with my feelings. I've been lurking, and trying to take on board a lot of good advice that's been given out.
I've had a hard couple of weeks. He broke NC with her a few weeks ago. Then we had a huge argument yesterday, and he tried to contact her again. I think I still feel physically sick. On the other hand he really has been trying so hard... he's been speaking to our pastor, another man from church, and reading a lot (he never reads). He's made a real effort with me, still accepting total responsibility. He even said today that I should tell my mum and sister if I want to (I'm still not sure about this). On the 'before you reconcile' checklist in the JFO forum, he's doing pretty ok, other than having broken NC. And I know that's huge. And I know I can't reconcile at any cost... I need to know that if it continues that we can't. My head is just in such a mess.
I'm sorry just to come here with all this... I just don't know where else to turn with my thoughts and pain.
[This message edited by vulnerable at 6:01 PM, August 7th (Sunday)]
marriage is between 2 people only...there is no room for any others...if others exist the marriage does not....
and it does not matter how many other things he does right, there are certain fundamentals that need to be in place at all times for reconcilliation to work, to truly work where you will eventually find some peace and happiness within the marriage...and nc is one of them...im sorry
allgood: wow, one of the many features i will have to look forward too..
scary shit to me...
oh and pfm is still telling me he wants the marriage...of course this latest claim of what he wants came after i told him i need a copy of our tax return....i need for possible financial aid...goin back to school..i have an interview with one school which i think is the school i want on wed....i decided to go back to what i did before, only get certified in all of it instead of just phlebotomy...so i will hopefully go for a certified medical assistant certified in ekg and phlebotomy....i loved it when i did it...and right now i do not have the head for nursing school...not to mention the competition just to get into the programs is super tough....i guess that means our nurses our A+...