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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((awakened))) Sorry...you are such a strong woman. Your kids will get the strength, safety and love they need to get through this from you. You're a great, unselfish mom.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakened

So sorry honey. I really feel for you and your kids today.

But remember this is the first step towards your new life. Things can only get better.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun

No matter how much he loves me now...it doesn't matter....I will never forgive him for not loving me enough

I get it honey, I really do. For a while I felt the same way. No they didn't love us enough and it is so hard to get past.

I hope I will one day be able to get past it - like NJ and Tryn- but I may not - and that's OK.

You see I am taking my path of least regret and trying R at present. My FWH is going great. Really trying and I feel finally starting to really open up about how he was feeling and what he was thinking while in the LTAs. My FWH is trying and is getting better at doing what it takes.

You have tried R but frankly honey I don't think your FWH has done his share.

You have held on so long and tried so hard but he hasn't made it POSSIBLE for you to "get past it" or even head in that direction by putting 100% into helping you heal.

I hope you will keep on posting. I know you worry about being "negative". DON'T. We want to support you as we have with others on here who are into or heading towards S?D?

I think it was 0115 who posted this link (forgive me if I'm wrong). PROMISE me you will look at it. It totally sums up who we are on LTA. I play it at least a dozen times a day. I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af8mB9ABuJA

Promise you will listen, save and play it when you are down and remember we are here for you.

Love

Laura



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

As for my feelings about divorcing my W, I view them as my power, my lion in me, my way of knowing and I have the muscle to pull the trigger, and divorce.

Yes I get this now. I am feeling "happier" because my FWH is trying but also because I know if he lets me down I can split and cope - my "lioness". BTW did you guess I'm a Leo?

I feel so lucky that the kids have grown and are now fairly independent. They are not part of the equation. It is just him and me. I will give my all to the M. If he does too I hope I will be able to accept and move forward. At present I am not up to forgiving. That may come or it may not. At present I don't really care. We will see.

I was also interested to see that even you still think about D. But as you say thinking and acting are two quite different things. I guess that's the difference between a WS and a Faithful Spouse. (FS doesn't quite work does it? )

Hugs my friend

DP

I hope she is home tonight!!!

Hugs to you honey.

TO EVERYONE ELSE

I have just had my third Merlot and so my thoughts are not clear. I do want to reach out to those who are in the process of Separating and those trying to R but hurting because of their FWSs inability to do what it takes.

I am thinking of you all.

HUGS and LOVE

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hey Awakened... You’re going to get through this.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:10 AM, July 31st (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn...thats a beautiful rose


(((awakened))) like laura said...its a first step...i love that perspective...

every ending is a beginning in disguise

and yes it really sucks right now and it may suck for a bit...but it won't last forever and every step we take is A STEP towards a better life and away from the life that is not working or unhappy...every single step needs to be taken in order to get where you are going...


allgood: how are you hon?..i know this is a bad weekend for you too....


honest: where are you? check in please


fun...love what laura wrote to you....so i concur...so please keep posting and checkin in...


time is short so i will be brief and try to be to the point...

laura is on the money...we are all in different stages, and every stage is a stage that everyone of us in some way shape or form can relate to with very few exceptions...so lurking helps...posting helps more...never ever be afraid to post because you feel negative or because you are not reconcilling....this is still a process and no matter what path you choose you still need to take all those steps to heal...and taking all those steps to heal is what helps you move forward and hopefully if there is another relationship it puts you in a better place and empties some of the baggage we bring along...

laundry calling and kids wantin the computer...will catch up more later..


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Todays desk calendar quote -
If you like walking down the right path & you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress

Barrack Obama

I think for many of us here we know the path we are on its just so difficult to see or measure our progress.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting DP, I see my issue as deciding on the path. I have no F'n clue which path is right.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good evening all.

I've had a busy weekend for sure, but it all centered around my son's birthday - for 3 days in a row! It's so nice to be a kid on your birthday.

Anyway, stbx was originally slated to move out today, but it is now Tues night for a variety of reasons - none of them having to do with reluctance - to the contrary - I'd rather get this over with asap. But, 1 of my kids is going away on Tues am - I didn't want his trip affected because he saw his Dad move out and didn't have enough time to work it out here before going. Also included other reasons that fall under the general category of my stbx is an asshat with no apparent ability to predict consequences/make good judgments of any kind, at least in the 21st Century.

His continued ridiculous behavior keeps me on track. Most recent example: I take 3/4 of the kids to the movies. Left him along with the eldest. Would've been nice for them to bond & do something, right? No - I come home from the movie at 7pm to find my 13 year old eating chips on the couch. No stbx. My son said he went "out". Called stbx and asked what's going on to which he replies "What?" in a quizzical fashion like he's actually confused at my inquiry. Apparently he left as soon as I left to go BACK to his apt to assemble his new bed. (Which he purchased & brought over there this am.)
As a result, we are all still waiting for dinner.
Dumbass.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aaarrrrggghhhh....pfm has days that push me closer to the end.....dont want to go into it.....i am not sure at this point what i wish for...for him to be respectful for the duration or for his continued stupidity pushing the inevitable up to lots sooner then later...

for my kids obviously the first for my sanity probably the second......or would that just push me way over the edge to the world of irrational.....


still dont feel quite calm yet...think i need to take a xanax to take that edge off...

allgood...how sick is what i am about to say...i envy you, your ending to one life and your new beginning is almost here...

gotta go....kids in pool need to ck on them and they will need this room soon...


honest check in...

and m3 where did you go....did she go away???


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crap, editing on a phone sucks

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 6:52 AM, August 1st (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood-
What is wrong with him?
A total disconnect.
Has he always been like this?
I cannot imagine what I would feel like moving away from my children...I guess he just feels very disconnected. Do you think he was ever truly bonded to you? the kids? and then somewhere along the line...his drinking, partying, the fog of the affair...the selfishness took over?
Do you think the 13 yr old noticed/was upset by this?

My heart just breaks for your family.....4 children.
and your husband, their father....decides that his selfish 'needs' are more important than honoring his vows? honoring his committment to you and his children?

for what? drinking in bars with othe drunks? flirting with skanks? getting random BJs in parking lots?

what exactly is so.....important?

to give up a wonderful wife and family?

sorry for my mini vent here....

I am thinking of you and your children.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww... I'm touched y'all missed me.

I did go away -- a week's vacation at the beach with three other families. I wish it had been two weeks, I had a really wonderful time!

I'm a bit sad I missed Dip's monokini though...

Nell - WWTD: What would Tryn do? with a chart

Ok, so this is from several pages back, but I agree that the chart is imperative.

Hello newbies/unlurkers.

0115 -- you asked about how long it took your spouses to get it. Mine hasn't. If you don't believe me, so back a few pages and see how many of the tribe said "there's no way your WH even knows that photo is on there he's so insensitive and f'ing clueless..."

ATS -- really? REALLY?!@! THAT is your anniversary gift? You know, I could get you a bottle of rum and write you a nicer letter than that -- hell, so could tryn. Ugh. Just ugh, ugh, ugh.

You know, I usually just say to myself "it's hard to love someone else when you don't even love yourself" and then move on.

I had a lovely vacation. WH helped me a lot and also made it possible for me to do a few things I wanted to do. He took the 2 big kids to the pool while I took the babies to the outlets. He kept the babies while I took the big kids to an amusement park for the evening. He held down the fort with all of them while I took a Zumba class with 2 of my girlfriends. We cooked together for our meals we were in charge of, etc. He did such a great job of sharing the care of the kids and no complaining that we didn't get to do some of the things he/we like that aren't kid-friendly that my one friend (who does know about the A) actually complimented him on how he just knows that I need help and helps me, etc. and WH actually said "no..." So, that was good.

He continues to be neglectful when responsible for the children and this is a huge issue. He lost Sunshine on the beach entirely. I could just as easily be writing you to tell you my kid was kidnapped over vacation. He sent The Pharaoh and The Pasha 1/4 mile down the beach and out a jetty into the ocean unsupervised: by the time I ran out there full-tilt to catch up with them they were way beyond the shoreline with rough current all around, The Pasha had fallen and was being carried back to shore by a stranger who was fishing the end of the jetty. We went to the boat after vacation and while I was putting Baby Paddy to sleep he let the boys run amok around the marina -- The Pasha was again fished out of the water by a stranger -- three weeks ago when I was not there he also lost Sunshine entirely again. Two women with boats docked at the marina found me when I was getting coffee to let me know the kids were being endangered. I sat everyone down and had a talk about The RULES but the bottom line is that if I'm going anywhere where I don't feel like I can handle all 4 alone then I will need someone other than him to help me. This is very sad.

Baby Paddy got her "shoes" Ankle Foot Orthotics and shoes fit to them. Her feet look HUGE. Her orthotics are a size 5.5 wide, which needs a 7 extra wide shoe -- and she's 16 months! They were ... drum roll please ... $200. And she will probably outgrow them in 2 to 3 months. Thank god they are covered by Early Intervention as an assistive device. They improve her walking tremendously.

I was very proud though: when we went in the store she chose some adorable lime green patent leather flip=flops with a hot pink rose corsage between the toes, kissed them and held them up and cheered "shoes!" She has good taste, even if she is stuck in clunky pink and white sneakers for now. At least they have silver sparkles.

So, M3 land is hopping as usual. I really did have a lovely vacation though.

Oh -- honest, I was also deeply touched by the shells your DS16 brought back.

The Pharaoh (9) said to me one day on vacation -- WH was trying to convince him to do something in the car after leaving the beach, we had another family in the car with us (we drive one of those giant vans, not a mini-van) anyway, I don't remember what it was but The Pharaoh yelled "no!" in a really annoyed way -- anyway the boy turned to me, we were way in the back, and he said "I don't trust him." And I said "Neither do I. How come YOU don't trust him?" and The Pharoah said "I don't know. He's just not somebody who does things that make you want to trust him."

Now, I think it's a sad state of affairs for a 9 year old to regard his father like that, but I also think that it's a darn fine thing that he can (1) see reality (2) think for himself (3) deal with reality and (4) know he can trust me to talk about it.

So, that's about it for M3 land.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakened -- you took half the blame? F that. Hugs to you.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, my computer is still schizoid, so I must be quick, unfortunately I can't remember everything I was thinking when I read earlier today.

Fun: I too have come to the conclusion that my stbx didn't love me enough. I would've been on board with continuing the M if I felt that he loved me enough "now", but that's not the case. I hope you find peace soon. Btw, I'm having a blast on match.com.

Miracle: I totally understand. That how sad things might be to be jealous


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood- You sound happy.I'm glad.

m33-Those vacation stories sound scary. So many things could have happened to your precious kids. Your WH does not sound trustworthy at all...your DS is right!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hallooo Tribe. Got back last night from a weekend trip to see two very dear friends in Chicago. We had a blast! One of my friends has known about my sich for the past year, the other just found out last month. They are both so, so supportive and caring and encouraged me to vent/talk. It is still very helpful for me to be able to "talk" out my feelings. Not that they have changed much in the past few months. Every day I become more and more convinced that there really isn't anything FWH can do that is going to make R possible. I just don't trust him....I don't trust his judgement about people, situations or even to know his own feelings. Sad...so very sad.

Hope all are well tonight...gotta work on dinner as I just got home but wanted to check in and see how everyone is doing.

Hugs to all that are hurting!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My post got cut off earlier.

M3: I missed you! Sorry to hear about your wh's parenting. Honestly, that's just frightening. Maybe it's time to start documenting all this, dates, times, specifics, etc. I know you are very worried about the safety of the children should you s/d and now I see why. Maybe by documenting this kind of stuff you could set things up for him to only have supervised visits or very limited visits with the kids.
That's just awful.

O and this:

no complaining that we didn't get to do some of the things he/we like that aren't kid-friendly

Damn I can relate to that.

Good night all. I'm exhausted.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, August 1st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dp...i am loving the quotes...and it seems that every post resonates with me...so thank you..


m3...losing kids is unacceptable...allowing children to roam free who are not old enough to do so is unacceptable....

He did such a great job of sharing the care of the kids

uh, no, no he didnt do a great job....and your eyes are open and your head knows who he is....he is incapable of being alone with small kids, period...since you are still in the marriage, shut him down in alone activities...and dont be afraid to stand your ground...in this case if the worst happens you will have way way too many regrets here...

sorry m3


allgood....you do sound like you are having fun with the site...and i hope you make some connections soon
'

strong...good to hear from you, nothing like reconnecting with a postive past to recharge our batteries...


ats:

I see my issue as deciding on the path. I have no F'n clue which path is right.

sometimes the answer is right in front of us and sometimes we have to dig...

ats...try to picture yourself 5 years from now....which path would you most likely regret if you followed it now....think about you, your needs and think about your family....do not think about what is best for your ws, she has to follow her own path as do you...so ats...what would you regret more and why....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, all. Kind of a busy weekend in Nell's house. I decided to deep-clean the carpets so spent some time moving the furniture and going over the carpets... sometimes more than once... the joys of having pets and kids. WH is currently without income (he was working under contract) so I stressed a little bit, as I like the security of a steady income and I don't like it when WH has lots of free time, as he doesn't necessarily use it productively or positively. So far so good, though. (One day! Hee hee.) He already started applying for new jobs, so hopefully he lands something very soon. I don't like it when he's in my space all afternoon!

I was very proud of myself yesterday. After feeling stressed, unable to concentrate, slightly jittery (see above paragraph), I threw myself into work and got a whole lot of stuff done.

Meanwhile, talked to the A/C guy who just told me what to try because he's so booked that he didn't even have time to show up to collect his "service fee." Might be an easy fix (and free!) so that would be great.

On Thursday (or was it Wednesday?) I told WH that I wanted to have a conversation about this marriage. He paid lip service to the idea, telling me, "Thank you for bringing that up. I think talking about where we are is a great idea. It's important." Since then, crickets. I don't know if he has put it out of his pretty little head, is just avoiding having the conversation or is waiting for me to bring it up again as all the "lets work on this" stuff is my idea. In any case, his actions do not follow words once again.

Lets review:
Still hasn't finished any infidelity book, though paid lip service to how important it is (including the Linda McDonald book, 100 pages, which he has had since April).
Has not gone to IC.
Never finished his "needs" list or "principles" list, homework from MC, and
Has not suggested we go back to MC.
Has never looked at SI, though he lied and said he did (I have keylogger).
Has never read 5 Love Languages, though he said he wanted to read it.
Has never looked up any information on healing after infidelity (or infidelity as a topic at all), making marriage better, etc.
And avoids conversations about our relationship.
Not sure if it's because he's lazy or afraid. Either way... my watching to see what he does is literally like watching grass grow around here. In an arid climate with hot temps and no rain... it ain't growing unless I force it to grow.

Allgood and m3, good to hear from you!
honest, how are you?
awakened, hugs. How is your family today?
Laura, how much longer are you In Charge?
ats, when does WW return?
strongish and njgal, hello!
tryn, dip, dp... hello to you too!
Sister, it's so good to see you back here. I was wondering if you would come back and I'm glad you did!
miracle, sounds like things got back to normal ("normal"
) quickly. Good!

Gotta go be productive again today. Nell out!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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