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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Dip

"holy shit this is long, really, really long." There is a gutter joke or two somewhere in that line.

I love it when you're naughty

Miracle

Loved your LOOOOONG post. Some great insights as usual.

You also gave me a "lightbulb" moment. I think one of the reasons I (we) keep wanting to hear the affair story over and over is because we want the repetition to be just that - repetition. If they tell the same story every time then we can come to believe it.

As you know, for me there is still a fear that there were MORE women. He claims that each of his OWs came after him (but clearly he had an "available" sign). The other night I asked him if any others had come after him and he said Yes there was one. Even told me her name. Said it was between OWzero and OW1 but that he knocked her back. He may be leading up to another confession IDK. But other parts of his story tally with what he has told me before. I really wish I had taken detailed notes.

The hard thing of course is that if he is telling the truth and can't remember so much HE CAN'T PROVE THAT!!! I keep saying "You must remember more" and he said the other night that he hates to think about it. That even when he was doing it he didn't think about it when he wasn't with them because he was avoiding the guilt that came with remembering being with them. But he has promised to try to remember more and I asked that he share with me when he does rather than avoid bringing the As up. He says he doesn't want to upset me but as the EMDR has made me calmer I think he is starting to realise he is safe doing it.

Miracle and Tryn

Thanks for the "Dream" statements. Need many more though to make this work.

Anyway, gotta go. Off to the hairdresser this morning for a cut and colour. Thinking about becoming a redhead - now there's a scary thought. But the new me is more into taking chances so will chat with my hairdresser (who I've been with longer than my H ) and see what she thinks.

LOVE and HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - Holy shit thanks for the laugh! That's awesome.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jollum
I know where you get the gender differences, but I don't really agree with them. When I was an immature asshole, I would play the "I don't care" (You're so mean and uncaring because you didn't force me to tell you that I really do care!) game. But once I realized that was -a- immature, -b- manipulative and -c- plain ol' stupid, I stopped. The consequence of not doing what I wanted (because no one knew what that was) helped break me of that habit, as well. Now I tell people what I want, and if they don't care to give it to me, I go get it for myself.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow

A heap of posts all in about 10 minutes and I cross posted with everyone.

M33

LOVE the pic. Many years ago I told FWH I would only wash his clothes if they were in the wash basket. Needless to say he has done his own laundry for years!!!!

Nell

Pleased you had fun

Jollum

Wonderful to hear the EMDR is helping

REALLY GOTTA RUN

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33-
Your pic cracked me up!
Yikes! I guess your FWH does not 'get' the idea of helping you around the house either!

This is what my high school aged kid's bedrooms looked like! It was a battle that I gave up on and just shut the bedroom doors...

Luckily, Mr.NJguy has always been fairly neat and now in his new and improved model cleaning and helping out around the house IS definitely part of his job description!

And, yes... thanks for noticing..I have been feeling good about things lately. I guess 4 and 1/2 yrs was the amount of time that I needed to grieve etc.

Laura- A redhead! That may be an interesting change!
and... about the OW pursuing your FWH-I believe it!
A good friend of my husband's at work told me that he saw the MOW coming onto to my husband and warned him that she was 'after' him... he called her relentless....
My husband fooled this co-worker/friend and everyone else at work once the LTA began.
But.. I also got pages of emails from MOW's BH and they definitely back up the claim that she was the pursuer. It was email after email trying to entice him and encourage him to do whatever with her... there were a few emails where she said she was tired of begging to ___ his ______ and if he didn't want her maybe he wanted someone else...blah..blah..blah...
these emails are from a variety of years so there definitely was a pattern.
It amazes me that MOW like this exist but I guess they do.
I call them spider women. They actually find married men a challenge.

well..anyway..as for your question about my dream for the future...it's fairly simple really... my dream is that I live a happy, peaceful life and my marriage continues to be a warm, loving, safe place for me...
walking on the beach in Hawaii is nice too!

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:52 PM, July 6th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hm... my dream.
Small log lake cabin in Minnesota... peaceful, quiet, sound of loons in the evening... canoeing and stand-up paddle surfing around the lake... family and friends gathering on the weekends, playing games and laughing... lots of wonderful books to read, dog at my feet, cat on my lap. Doing some traveling every year, going to concerts and art galleries and trying lots of restaurants. Boyos grown up, healthy, successful and in great relationships. And an ATV. WH can come if he can earn his place beside me, or I will go by myself. Either way.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm baacckkk...

i promise this post will be so so much shorter..

as for saving up...nope just took one post at a time and responded....(dont tell anyone but i used 2 windows...the extent of my computer kno how )


jollum:

Sorry if I offended anyone with what I wrote.

well i wasnt offended before but i think i am now...so stop that nonsense

m3: well my dd's bedroom looks like that on a good day...why you might ask...because you can see the floor... ...and the super scary part is...its true...its clean now because of the july 4th shindig and then an overnite guest...i keep looking at it cause i kno it won't last...


nell: your take on being in the spotlight...sorry dont buy it...i hate it too and had a totally diff childhood then you...i think this is one of those things that either you are or you arent'...

When I was an immature asshole,

i somehow cannot picture this one..


dip: i'm still thinkin and the smoke hasn't set off the smoke detecter yet nor has it set off anything else..


laura:

If they tell the same story every time then we can come to believe it.

agreed to some extent...i think we also need to keep hearing it because its so overwhelming and so impossible or so we thought impossible to believe period....and then of course we have lots of questions..too many keep comin....new angles, new anything to help us gain insight to the whole damned thing..


(((tribe)))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:13 PM, July 6th (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good evening Tribe. I am alive and doing OK. I found out a couple of weeks ago that FWW has been regularly reading my posts to understand how I feel. This has been her principal method of figuring out how we are doing as opposed to say, talking with me.

Thank you to those who inquired. I do not believe she knows my password, so I have been using PM.

In the beginning I did not hide SI from her because I thought it would be a good resource for her too. Instead it has just become one more way to avoid real intimacy.

Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

Mrs Ats

If you are reading here please listen very carefully.

You have a wonderful man who is doing everything humanly possible to save your M.

My FWH cheated on me for at least 16 yrs. Can you imagine that?

You are so LUCKY to have a faithful, H who loves you enough to try to work through this horror you have created.

PLEASE appreciate him.

He cannot continue to try to save this M alone. You need to step up.

If my FWH had behaved as you have during our attempts to R I would have been long gone.

Ats has so much more patience than me.

(Ats hope you don't mind. Welcome back - we've missed you)

HUGS ats

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1:38 at night...crying myself to sleep...12 years is a LONG time


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 0115

I DO know how you feel.

16 yrs (maybe 23) is a long time too.

I do know.

I'm in Australia so here anytime you need someone

HUGs

BIG BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm up and sad also.....I know what I need to do, I just keep holding on to the what ifs. I never wanted to be here, but here I am.
In a weak moment, I am crushed..wondering why he can't see. In a strong one, I wish him to be someone else's problem. Praying for strength and courage at this point....


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awakenedbytruth

Hi honey

BIG HUGS

Tonight I pray for strength and courage for you

Have to go now. FWH wants to watch a movie. Hope there's no infidelity

Be back later if I can

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115... Yes 12 years is a very long time. So was my W's 8 years. There is a guy here on this board that his wife saw another man 40 years. It all hurts the same none the less. It hurts.

No doubt this was no "blip" in life. Our problem, we can do nothing to change the past. NOTHING.

All we can do is live our lives today as happy as possible. What are you going to do today that is going to make you happy?

Hey Ms. Ats... You should grab Mr. Ats and make him goto Retrouvaille. We all make mistakes in life if you can even see you did. Those desirables I mention are not so hard to practice.

awaken... For me, strenght is having those moments of "what if's" or sadness... to feel this is human. Yes, my W had a love relationship with another man. I can say it and not have much feelings about it these days. I just read your blog... You are such a beautiful person.

As I reflect on my past... This site basicly gave me desensitizationa and cognitive therapy.

Peace to all today!


[This message edited by trynhard at 6:42 AM, July 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((0115))

In a weak moment, I am crushed..wondering why he can't see. In a strong one, I wish him to be someone else's problem

I totally understand. For what it's worth, I took my time & held on to every "what if" possible until my stbx announced it was over (actually - he just left me a note & left without me knowing he was gone) in response to some low-blow remarks I made when I thought nc was broken (and it might've been broken for all I know). It took that much - to know that this was his tolerance level/committment to R - for me to pull the trigger. So, take your time, it is true what they say - that when the time is right you will know.
Having said that, I am in a far better emotional place than when I was trying to R - don't get me wrong, it's sad & scary, etc., but it's far easier on the brain & I am looking forward to having the kind of relationship I can't have with my stbx.
And as much as I love my stbx & if you read my past posts you can see how bad I wanted this to work out, I really am having a lot of progress detaching.

Take it slow.
((Awakened))

Ats: Bummer. Keep up with the PM when you need us.

Laura: working on the dream. Like Tryn, I do find tremendous peace by running on the beach in the morning. But ultimately, my dream would be to have sufficient resources to not work & spend my time with my kids or furthering my own interests, charity work, etc. Going on a nice all-inclusive vacation would be nice too as my vacations have been limited to the tri-state area for faaaaar too long.

Gots to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks tribe. I just had a real low moment last night Back on my feet this morning. I just needed the hugs and advice.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115 and awakening-
Both of your d-days have been fairly recent.
Recovering from infidelity takes years. And recovery from LTAs takes even longer.
So hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Try to surround yourself with positive people, stay busy, go to IC, exercise, try to get enough sleep, take meds for depression and anxiety if needed.
We've all been there.

It is a horrible nightmare.
But you will survive and thrive..whether you decide to R or not.


Mrs. Ats-
I hope you have been reading my comments here on LTA.
One of the things that I keep repeating is that I believe that the only way a couple can survive a LTA is if the WS is extremely remorseful, expresses this remorse to the BS and...is willing to do anything and everything to reconcile and to make amends.
No half ass efforts here!
You need to make the BS feel that you are truly sorry for the past events and that you want to throw yourself into recreating your marriage so that it can be the best possible.
If that means going to IC every day of the week so be it! If that means going to Retrouvaille for a long weekend session so be it.
But...you can't just limp along not giving it your all.
The BS deserves so much more, so much better at this point.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle.

So you have not figured it out yet? If you think long and hard I'm sure something will come up!

Laura.

Thank you Laura. As you can see my mind is in the gutter quite often.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - Holy shit thanks for the laugh! That's awesome.

We should thank Nell -- the mental image of exploding cracked me up!

Since we're writing to Mrs. ATS -- Hi.

Either you want to be with him or you don't. If you do, you need to start busting your ass right now. You know what he wants -- he's been perfectly clear. If you don't, it's WAY past time to say you want the M to end. It's really that simple. The way you come off now is that you want the M to end but you're too chicken-shit to say so. This sucks. My WH is like that too and my first thought this morning while I'm making breakfast is "it's not fair. it's just not fair to dump somebody and fuck around behind their back for years on end and only want them to do the hard and not fun stuff but refuse to ask for a D so you won't be the bad guy." Well, you're the bad guy. You just are. So either take it on the chin that you're the bad guy and ask for the D or start being the good guy.

House goes on the market tomorrow.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33-
I love the last sentence you wrote- about how the WS has to own up to the fact that they were the the bad guy...but..its not too late to decide to become the good guy!

Good luck on your house! hopefully you will find a buyer soon!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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