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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455, thanks for your response I do really appreciate it.

For what it's worth, it's not been the whole marrige. We had about 2 years before it started. Doesn't mean a lot does it.

We don't have any children. And I can understand that to people who know how hard recovery after a LTA is would think that leaving him would be an easier option. I just don't know if I can make that decision though, not yet anyway. I think I want to see how counselling goes.

Thank you for your honesty.

Allgoodnamesgone, thank you for responding too. I know I maybe seem stupid for not running... I just don't know how I could do that.

That's everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I guess I'm just waiting... waiting to see how it all goes.


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i gots zero time right now to read and to respond appropriately but wanted to send out a welcome to dad of 4...nice to have another man in the "house"....


sending hugs to our newbies and of course to all of the tribe...lurkers too!!!


(((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey dadof4... Sorry you had one of those moments. Ok, so you are human and you are allowing your emotions and feelings out. You sound like R has been going good and your W wants to help you. So, today is a new day.

Ok, here are my thoughts… First, Do you want your marriage or not? Yes or No… and no maybe’s.

If NO, then go on down and get a Lawyer and do it. I will bet you $100 within a year you can be in a new relationship if you do some work at it. You mind will be in a different place to worry about new things, but it won’t be on infidelity. You will have some great stories to tell too. I think all the new things you will face will be pretty interesting and exciting. Get some courage and FILE. Your kids will be OK. They will adjust and you can have a good quality life with them. I have several D friends and all are doing good.

If you say Yes, OK, the feelings of infidelity just stay with us for month and months, and let’s move forward. If you say YES to your M, then you really need to tell your W you apologies for allowing your emotions get too you to the point of saying "D". If you say yes and want to R, then you need some NEW thinking to get to a peace.

Go read my Journal. Pay close attention to how to forgive. Pay close attention to what makes for the best marriages and Pay attention to those desirables I made with bullets. You make a commitment to yourself practice all those everyday and do it. Then show them to your W. Your W wants to help you so let her. Not allowing her to help you is not very attractive. Show her the desirables and what happens in successful marriages. Asked her to please follow those things and make a new promise to each other to stick to those Desirables. If someone fails to follow them, an apology is in required. (To the tribe: Hah, I wasn't a nag nor posted a chart! )

I think you might be surprised what happens.

Oh yeh, if you are maybe, then attend Retrouvaille so they can help you make it a yes or no.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:09 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey V, is your H in the service?

Did he tell you why he cheated?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey trynhard,

nope, he's not in the service. We have talked some about the whys, both ourselves and with our pastor a bit. I know he felt a lack of affection from me. It started off as someone to talk to... went downhill from there. So, I don't know. He's not once blamed me though for the A, he is accepting responsibility. I think he has self esteem issues. His character needs work in general I guess...

I don't know where to start almost, so many possible reasons.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who's taking the time to read and respond. I feel like all I do when I'm on this website is take, not give. But I guess that's just the way it is just now, partly my age, partly my newbie status. I'm sorry you all have to be here, but I'm glad you have a safe place.


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

V, Take and take from us. When you are ready to give, then give.

What you don't understand is that by making your post, they help us.

You've seen it before, where a person that is wounded, hurt badly, they start a foundation. Why do the do it? It makes them feel good that what has happened can make a difference in someone's life.

So NEVER be afraid to take. Plus, we are a whole lot cheaper than IC'ing. I spit out what I learned at IC all the time. They told me the same thing but they always look at there watch during the sessions. Humm?

I have taken many times from Iwant, Laura, M3, FF, UK, Nell, ats, Dip, NJgal, honest, and many more.

Join on in and never give it a second thought.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:52 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

V,

Well sure you know where to start.. YOU DID IT! your first good choice was finding SI.

This is going to be a process. You are going to have some ups and downs.

I think the fine ladies on this threat can help you. (As long as you follow my charts, graphs and diagrams too )

Anyway, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you know what that means?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you know what that means?

OOOooooh! I know! I know! Pick me!!

That's really all I have in me at the moment... feeling very shallow. Which is necessary. I think I'm in the process of "refreshing"... like a computer. Hit refresh and then wait.

I'll be back and scintillating as ever, tribe. Hugs to the new tribe members! And the "old" ones, too.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trynhard, I just cut and pasted your whole journal into a word doc. Named it read daily. Read it today and now I feel like an ass. I slept on the boat last night because I didn't want to be under the same roof as my FWW. she did nothing to deserve this treatment and I have had bouts with this before. I want my M but I keep discovering these new layers of pain and I feel like I don't have any control over my emotions (beating my head on the desk)


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the kind words trynhard. I am trying to take care of myself, and managing ok. I've joined the gym recently. And I'm trying to follow some of the advice from the 180 thread about getting a few things done each day. And yes, I am reading advice on SI!

Very grateful for it today! I've been off work today, and it's seemed like a long day.


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dadof4.

Welcome and stop beating yourself up. You have been handed a major trauma and all of this can be hard to handle. Everyone goes through all kinds of highs and lows. You have to learn how to control these and it is just not easy.

tryn.

You need to post a few charts. They can be helpful.

Welcome to all the new members and hi to the oldies.
Gotta go.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dadof 4....ok...well first off methinks a big issue for you is fear and the next would be acceptance...

acceptance of who she is, acceptance of what shes done and finally acceptance of she is changing to become the wife she should have been - faithful

fear of getting hurt again, and just being hurt...all anger is based in hurt....you are hurting and its perfectly normal...and when we hurt we lash out because we are angry at them for hurting us so completely....

and we cannot change what we donot acknowledge...

and lta = long term recovery

from what i have read and heard it takes an average of 2-5 years to get over infidelity and truly move on from it...for us its a bit mroe then that because of the sheer length of time it took place...to believe someone who was able to fool us and lie to us for such a long period of time....to say its not easy is an understatement...

and its ok to take space now and then....we have so much to process and it takes time and patience...and more patience im thinkin from ourselves just as much as from our ws's should we be in 'r'...

make no decisions in anger or any raw emotion for that matter...all decisions made in raw emotion are all mostly regretted....


vulnerable...while its true that for you it would be easy to d and move on, it would also leave you wondering, leave you with feeling a possible regret im thinkin....

i also think because you are so young and do not have kids yet that a time limit on deciding what you will do is in order....give yourself 6 months...or rather give him 6 months to prove himself and and see if you really want to work it out...the pain and hurt will stay with you far longer then that.....but this should at least give you something to look at and hopefully make a decision....for if he cannot do what it takes to show you that he is worth your time after 6 months...using both your head and your heart then leave....

m3 what was the name of that book about whether to stay or to leave, i think that book would be great for vulnerable right now....so vulnerable when she chimes in with the title go out and get it.......i think you will find it quite useful


allgood....hows it goin for you hon

nell...you make me laugh even when you claim you are off..whatever it is you know we are here for you...

honest..keep the faith and keep strong....and remember the faith needs to be within you for yourself...you can do what you gotta do...you have already proven that you can...and as for ds16...i think he will be coming home with i hope a new appreciation for his mom....the mom who does not lie to him, the mom who always puts him first, the mom who is always there for him....

(((tribe)))



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dadof4-
I am over 4 and 1/2 yrs post d-day-reconciled with my FWH(he had a 5 yr LTA).
I went through exactly what you are going through at 2 yrs post d-day. I don't know why...but it was a tough year for me. Lots of triggers and meltdowns and anger on my part eventhough my husband was NC , transparent, remorseful, etc. etc.
Something would trigger me and I would feel like a wave of grief or disbelief or fear or anger or all of the above would hit me and overwhelm me.
It does get better...as long as your WS continues to be patient, kind, remorseful, loving etc.
I did have go to a doctor for meds (no longer take them) and I did continue in IC for a long time.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not unusual in feeling like this.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi dadof4,

In addition to FWWs who had LTAs, we have something else in common I see. I too have spent nights on the boat to be away from my W. I usually do it about 20 off shore with the radar in watch mode.

that said, I have to comment on this:

... she did nothing to deserve this treatment...

If this is true, why are you posting in LTA? ;-)

My perspective is that after an entire M not being honest about feelings, 2 LTAs, TT, plus ons's, I do not have to feel safe and accepted even when FWW is doing all the right things. For me it is going to take time with loving behavior, a lot of time.

I know it is not as easy as just get divorced. Unemployed fww, kids in college, upside down house... What you can do is lead your life within the conditions life has dealt you. Your FWW can always leave if she cannot or doesn't want to take your current behavior.

As for me, a great weekend and a day on the boat with fww that was fun. Tonight, not sleeping because I an angry about the stepdaughter-FWW-Ataenaotie triangle relationship. Stepdaughter will get what she wants, FWW and FWW's xH at wedding together without me. Also, FWW is leaving to visit with he Father next week. She is leaving the morning of our wedding anniversary. Pointing this out triggered a lecture on how it is my Mother's fault we got married on that date.

honest, I am thnking of you.

allgood, you are making great progress.

While njgal and Tryn have made a go of R with their FWSs, I do not think this is an indication that D too cannot lead to a happier future. They are all just options. I just need to decide which is the fear and pain to lean into?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:50 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: Your FWW is leaving the morning of your wedding anniversary? I really don't understand her. I don't even make a doctor's appointment on one of my kid's birthdays. With the both of you trying to R, the wedding anniversary should be a priority, especially to a woman.

And the wedding. Are your DS's invited to their sister's wedding?

Vulnerable: There is a general rule on SI to wait at least 6 months before making a decision.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, she does not think of these things. For now, DSs are going other stepdaughter's boyfriend may not . 20 people can attend, no one knows who for sure is attending. After the wedding will be visits to see grand children but I have been banned from the house.

While she is at the wedding I will be offshore out of cell contact.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

No time.

Welcome vulnerable and dadof4. So sorry you have to be here. But we will help you. Hang in. try to stay sane!!!

I know it's hard to believe (I didn't) but it does get easier.

UK

Your dream is IN.

Now I just need NoFUn's and would love to have them from any lurkers. vulnerable and dadof4 - dreams for the future are important. Do you have a dream? If so let me know and I will add it. Just a few sentences about what you dream of for the future. May be with or without your WS.

So Draft 6 (I think)

All Ok at Laura's. Work is crazy. I'm still dipping and swaying but doing OK. FWH has the man-flu which is something of a pain.

Love to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:00 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey I had the man flu or maybe whooping cough for 5 weeks. Wasnt much fun especially when I was off work for a week with no pay & major bruising to my head & back when I passed out in the bathroom...ouch ...down like a sack of spuds anyway I'm defending man flu - it exists

PS need to move the artwork to a billboard

[This message edited by deeppurple at 6:38 AM, July 20th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

Ok

But my FWH's man-flu lasted 3 days!!!!!!

He is MUCH better tonight but tells me he is still not up to sex!!!!

Man-flu is a recognised phenomenon.

Sounds like you had something else

Cheers

laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey DP

Will provide a link to a higher res pic when final.

Really waiting for Fun. Just can't finish without her.

Hope all goes well this week. You HAVE to get answers. There is no way to move on without them.

Sheesh. I'm almost ready to play PI myself!!!!!!

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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