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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome vulnerable to our little corner of si...

you are still a newbie...so def make sure you read the healing library....even those articles that are intended for the ws...it will help you see what they should be doin for ya...

make sure you are taking care of yourself too....and like ukgirl said...age is not an issue.....this shit happens at pretty much any age...

come and post whenever and tell us how we can help...

and a question...i read your post in jfo...why did he tell you himself?

and ic for both of you and mc a must for 'r'....


0115...first...there is a very real possibility that they had been fucking for quite awhile when 2006 rolled around...its highly unlikely that it wasnt physical until that point...

second...no you are so normal...many of us have tried and some of us have been able to: find out anything and everything we could about the op's...and its important to know what you are dealing with...knowledge is power, and knowledge about who the op is key in some cases in finding out the why or finding out if it really is over, how it happened, why it happened.....all answers that help fill in the puzzle of your life.....

so you search and find out whatever you can for as long as you NEED...not his needs, but your needs....

and as long as you dont let it consume you to the point where you get lost in it and stay lost in it...at some point in time, you will have to let go of her to move on....and to take her power completely away and restoring it to you....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115: Come and vent and post as much as you want. This forum is more like group therapy....it is not like the threads in the other parts of the forums. Each and every one of us came here at first full of pain and questions and the wonderful people here helped each other. We are all on the roller coaster to some degree. There are times when I'm pretty calm and can answer and respond to other's posts and then there are times like now, when I'm in a downward spiral and need the help of the tribe.

Awakened: Your description of how your WH is reacting sounds just like my WH (stbx). Too much blameshifting, no ownership of what they did wrong, gaslighting, TT, etc. You are not wrong. I really feel that the marital problems are more or less shared, 50/50, BUT, and its a big BUT the decision to have an affair was all on the WS. We were all in the same M. We were unhappy also, but we didn't decide to have an A. In order to R, the WS must be remorseful and willing to help the BS heal. There must be a commitment on the WS's part. Then the hard work of healing and building a new marriage must begin.

As for love for the AP, well that's the million dollar question.

I once read an interesting article by a man that said that once he was in a relationship (not A related), that he said he would have burned his eyebrows off for the girl, but it was toxic. When he looks back at it now, he knows he didn't love her, actually shakes his head at the memory, but while he was in the relationship, it was crazy.

I suppose that can happen with the WS and the OP's to some degree also.

I also remember having a conversation with my wise 88 year old grandfather many years ago (God bless his soul) when I was first dating WH. I was 30 years old at the time and my grandfather said, "be careful if he says he's crazy about you" I said, "Why?" He replied, "A young man often cannot tell the difference between love and lust", I cried,"Why do they lie???", My grandfather smiled and answered," They are not lying, they just don't know the difference. True love takes time to grow, sometimes years to get to know the person."

My grandparents were happily married for 60 years and still kissed under the mistletoe and held hands.

I'm also coming to the conclusion that WH may "love" me, but was never truly "in love" with me, or truly loved me in a mature way.

DS 31 was dating a girl several years ago that seemed perfect for him. It was obvious that the cared deeply for each other and got along so well, and shared many interests. When I asked if she "was the one" , my DS answered that although he loved her very much, it was not in that way. He knew how great she was, and cared deeply about her, but not in that way. He actually said that he wished he loved her in that way, and he would marry her in a minute. I told him that he had to let her go, it wasn't fair to keep her hanging on. So, he did gently break up with her explaining how he felt.
It was a hard thing to do. I know the girl was hurt and DS was too, but it was the best thing.

I think my WH may have felt about me like that, but didn't have the guts to break up with me or was just to damn selfish to do so. Just kept me hanging on: I did everything for him, but he was still looking for something better, newer, just like he has to have the newest cellphone or electronic gadget. He isn't even loyal to pets....he cares, but so what if they are gone.

I am scared to death of him coming on Thurs. I am afraid of how DS 16 will be. I feel like I've lost him too.

Strongish: I think what you are feeling is normal. YOu are feeling relief. You are taking a break from all the conflict. When you are at peace and feel calm, then you can access how you feel about WH and your M. If your WH goes to IC and you get a chance to recover a little you might consider MC.....but give yourself some time. Don't try to force emotions that you feel should be there. Feel what you feel, and not what you think you SHOULD be feeling.

{{{{Laura}}}}} you are still early on in your recovery. The roller coaster does take some breaks for a while,but does start up again here and there. It's normal. You are doing fantastic!!!

Allgood: I'm glad you are becoming more and more detached. As you are finding out, you cannot control him and he is falling flat on his face. He has what has been dubbed as the "Peter Pan Syndrome". He really doesn't want to grow up. When and IF he does, it will be too late.

Marriage is more than just love. It is a partnership, it is commitment, it is work. It needs boundaries and protection. Unfortunately the WS didn't honor these things and committed very selfish acts and then blamed the problems on the BS.

Love to every one.

{{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awakened,
I took two years trying to wheedle the facts and truth (not necessarily the same thing) from WH about MOW and their relationship. In the end, after meeting BH, I sat down, took the timeline I had built and wrote a document detailing everything from before WH and I even met right up to recent events. I reached conclusions of own. I gave him dates of events from the timeline and gave him the opportunity to write a document. It was an outline. He didn’t lie, he just didn’t tell me all of it, omitting and shrinking the whole thing down. And said that MOW was demanding and obsessive, so he “had” to keep seeing her even though he couldn’t wait to leave after the allocated time…………. Yeh, as if.

I have obsessed about MOW from time to time. If you are not getting what you need from your fWH, it’s a natural reaction. while she is not a healthy subject, she was part of his life and so by association, part of yours. And it’s natural to get the feeling that she could inject herself back in.

Offer your H the chance to do a timeline and ask him to tell you how he would respond if she should approach him and/or you in the future. If you are set on R, have a shared plan that keeps her out. Then put her where she belongs – outside in the trash. She is not worth spending any emotional or mental time on.

I am scared to death of him coming on Thurs. I am afraid of how DS 16 will be. I feel like I've lost him too.
This is a tough time for you hon. But you’ve been through it before and you need to take the positives from those times and work on them. DS16 is desperate to please his father and to not be rejected for OC and WH’s “other” family. The important thing is to be the constant in his life. Do not let him see his father with tinted glasses, tell him how it is and try to guide him in how best to deal with someone with a deeply embedded NPD. It is about control and about him. How your WH actually feels about DS16 is secondary and how he behaves simply feeds the NPD and selfish traits. I hope he will see him for what he is some time soon, step back and stop trying. ((((honest)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Nuts at work at present.

Please know I have read and am thinking of you all but little time to write at present.

UK - thanks for your "Dream".

Will add tomorrow but would love to have a few more to include esp from NoFun and some lurkers.

Welcome V. Look after yourself honey

Honest

Thanks and praying for you honey

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115

hi honey

Just back for a minute.

Wanted to know I know what you mean by feeling stupid.

It's an awful feeling.

But I have come to realise that i was NOT stupid. I was trusting. I was 100% into our M. Because I never questioned.

We all have assumptions about the people we love. My FWH wasn't loveable for so long but I was his WIFE and as such I wanted to make our relationship work. So I was so busy trying to do what it took to make the relationship work that I didn't see the red flags.

It is what it is honey.

You were NOT stupid. He was. Selfish and stupid.

HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:11 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115
So...am I obsessing, or just scared of what I feel is the inevitable confrontation?

Only you know your true feelings but at just 6-7 months post dday, Yes I would think you cannot get around the fears and the obsessing. All you can do is try and somehow acknowledge, “hey, I have these fears, they are valid, but I am not going to allow them to make my life”.

We have women like your OW in this world. They love money, fame, status because they believe that will make them happy. Sure, It gives them a sense of power to think they have a CEO boyfriend. But the problem is this, The OW is trespassing to get that power and a key “something” will always be missing. These are the type woman who don't know what love is and will be in and out of misery there whole life. You can't do much to help them without them wanting to discover it themselves. Let me tell ya, they will be looking their whole life for love. My best friends XW is this person. She was also my W's BF(But not any more) all during my W's A. Misery loves company.

BTW, My W has this ego issue herself. She cannot take being looked at as… “wrong” by anyone. Even strangers? She changes her behaviors around strangers. It’s her mask. I’ll say thing like, “You will never see that person again in your life” Why care? If my check engine light is on for the valet to see, she’s embarrassed. It’s nuts but I some ways, these are the people that cheat, ego.

Back to you, Of course you know a CEO title is no big deal. 0115, you are part of the reason he has made a business. It your life and you know he puts his pants on just like any ole hard working Joe.

I think you need to be wise and know your H understands what it means not to be greedy, ego and selfish. He didn’t say NO because sex is fun. It feels good to have someone worship you as king. Your H is an obese person stuffing his gut because he could not be satisfied even though he was full. Self control is not always easy for many people. CEO’s are unusually very dynamic people and very confident, opinionated, and love to be “stroked.” Do you now see why this is not your fault?

The kinds of discussions you need to be having with your H are these…. If you R, you need to find a way to be intimate. Intimacy comes with discussing feelings with each other. Feelings are feelings and you should always share them in you M. If he does not know your feelings, he cannot act to make your feelings change. All of them. You can describe them with kindness even if they are not so good.

“I am scared of your feelings you have for OW. She is part of our life now and I am scared she will want you again. I am scared you cannot say never say NO to her. Is she your drug? I am fearful because I don't beleive you have a self control to love only me. I feel so much uncertainty just like that time when we (give a story when you both feared something) . You both then need to discuss what he can do and you can do to overcome this fear. “

If he throws "TRUST" at you.. Trust is a choice and decision. You can TRUST someone but that does not change your FEELINGS. Trust is your not GPS'ing his cell phone.

For me when I was scared of those same things you fear, After the roller coaster for many times, I decided just leave it to fate. Leave it in Gods hands. If my W decides to continue the relationship with OM (despite if it was love, fake love, or whatever kind of relationship it was?)I cannot control that choice. My wife has given me confidence again with long, consistent transparency. She always makes a point to tell me where she is at. She never lets the cell just ring and goto voicemail. She invites me to anywhere she is going. Slowly, my feelings change for her from fear to mostly comfort.

We cannot control that choice if they cheat again. But We should not be unhappy should They choose that route again. I will pick myself up and look for my happiness in a different place.

0115… You can live without your H. You don’t need him. After you take what is yours, I am sure you can have plenty of time with your wonderful kids and then time to yourself. You can get yourself back in “fighting shape” and you will find someone that will be very attracted to you. It has been 27 years since I known those feelings but talking to enough guys, sex and a relationship with a different person feels pretty good and those bad memories will be minimized. The get replaced with good feelings.

You need a confidence boost of some sort. How can you get that?

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:43 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome.

Iwantamiracle, I had suspected that something was going on for quite a while. Everytime there was something (not answering phone, strange messages, etc) I would ask him about it, we would argue about my lack of trust in him (!), he would say it was nothing, and then eventually I would forget about it.

The night he told me there was another of those incidents... I found out the OW's number, and asked him about it, cos he'd had messages from her quite a few times.

He denied it to begin with, but then after about half an hour he told me.

Went to get tested for STDs today. Waiting for counselling.

Thanks for all the advice, there are some great posts to read, I am doing that.


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey vulnerable

We have a friend where her H cheated on her in the first couple years of M.

He was addicted to drinking. Does your H drink alot?

My friends H went to AA. Has not touched a drop since. He turned to the church too. He is really a good guy today.

They have been married now for over 30 years.

Good luck with your test.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:24 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for replying trynhard.

Nope, he is almost teetotal. Neither of us drink really.


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh V, then your H never really understood what a M commitment means huh?

FYI, your H lives a married singles life style. 100% failure everytime. Can he change?

They always "denied it" because they fear the Consequences. You told the OWH yet?

I hope you the best and glad you are around to contribute to our group.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:53 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like he didn't really understand. I guess time, and counselling, will help me to understand if he can change.

The OW wasn't married.

Thank you again for replying


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115 and Awakened
Sorry, something happened to the post I wrote to awake, my editing took it all out – I should read before I hit send! So it should read 0115.

Awakened,
It was only a few words, but I was just wondering how you are today and whether or not your H has thought about the stupid things he said and finally realised that only he is responsible for his poor decisions. Until he gets his head out of his ass, he won’t be seeing anything from anyone else’s pov.

V –
Has your H gone NC (no contact) with OW? What is the situation with her?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we're talking about infidelity in movies -- I suggest you all watch Hot Tub Time Machine.

First of all -- it's REALLY funny.

Second, the infidelity sub-plot is compeletely from OUR perspective -- but it's still a hysterically funny comedy.

Actually, the entire movie has a very smart underlying commentary about fidelity in relationships and about avoiding codependent behavior.

But you'll also bust a gut!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
vulnerable
♀ New Member
Member # 32658
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UKgirl,

Yeah, he has gone NC with her. We were living in another country when the A happened, and we left in January. The PA ended then, but there was contact between then and dday. We went back on holiday, and it was over there I found out. I then found out (he told me) a few days later that the day before he finally told me, he'd been back with her.

So, the PA I know has ended. I'm 99% sure there's been no other contact.

PS. I'm in the UK too :)


Me: 26 BS
Him: 26 WS
Dday: 21/06/11

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted on this board despite being a qualified member. Anyway without getting into the details of my FWW's 4 year affair which started during our 17th year of marriage I am finding I don't know where to post my current meltdown. We have been in a pretty successful R for the last 1.5+ years. D-day was Sept 12-2009. I have been having bouts of anger lately and it is spilling over into every aspect of life. I've been under some pretty extreme stress at work and this isn't the first time I have wanted out of this marriage during the R period. I finding the big thing I hate the most is I don't seem to be able to control these periods of anger. I still don't trust my FWW I lost a lot of respect for her and those things mean a lot to me. She has been transparent,remorseful (more on that later)and has made changes to herself which should make my respect and trust solid. I miss the sacred trust we had and I am finding that with every layer of pain I feel the damage is pretty bad. Yesterday I was angry and let everything out. I left and said I wanted a divorce because I hate living like this and as long as we are together I may not be able to heal. These times where my anger/resentment/lack of trust/lack of respect pass within a couple of days but she wants to help me but I told her she caused this and I don't want her help. I thought I would be better healed after all the IC/EMDR/MC which was intense. This sucks and I hate where I am right now. Any advise from a long term survivor? Is this normal? I know D would ease some of this but it would also introduce a whole nother set of problems and heartache that quite frankly I don't want to face. So I feel stuck.

[This message edited by dadof4 at 10:24 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: New Hampshire
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah. The second year. An LTA often means things are dragged out. The second year can be worse, but if you understand why this is (LTA=LongTermRecovery) then you can deal with it. The guys in here can probably help you and no doubt one of them will be along soon….

which should make my respect and trust solid.
Why? I assume she had your respect and trust before, why on earth should she have it now? All this takes time. 1.5+yrs is NOT that long when the betrayal went on for years.

I wonder if what you are really feeling is fear rather than anger. I know I did. Fear of letting go. Fear of wondering if my H loved me while he loved MOW (he didn’t). Fear of it happening again with MOW – or with someone else. Fear of my love for fWH leaving me, meaning I would be unable to love anyone. Fear of being let down. Fear of my uncertain future. But these things are in my control. As they are in yours. In order to R, you have to work at it together and this means choosing to be together – otherwise it cannot work.

Perhaps you are angry at what you lost. Or what you thought you should have. But that was a lie, so what you had actually wasn’t sacred, was it? It may have been to you, but that has been thrown out the window. So you start again. You will never get back what you had, but you can learn to trust yourself. And that’s where you are now. Learn to trust YOURSELF.

IC/MC/EMDR are tools, that’s all. They help get the job done. But it’s you and FWW who have to put the effort in. and sometimes look at how far you HAVE come, pat yourself on the back and say you are doing okay. Not stuck, just pulled into the lay-by for a bit.

I don’t know what else to say. But I know how you feel. Year two was totally see-saw loony for me.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

vulnerable -

Hi. welcome. this is a tough thing to discover. I have to be honest here, since you're so young. If you don't have any children yet, I would recommend getting a divorce. I got divorced when I was about your age and it was a really good decision. Granted, I clearly made some errors afterwards, but starting over at 26 is no big deal. In fact -- as I said not long ago, seventeen men asked me out within the first two 2 weeks after my divorce! I was shocked. My ex-husband was also 26 when we divorced. (unusually, we did not divorce due to infidelity) After our divorce, he married, went to law school, divorced and married again. No kids. He lives in Texas now (we are from Maryland.) I went to law school, had a child, married, built a house, had three more children. I too moved to another state. I learned to go fishing. Many people have never been married at 26. Most people would understand if you explained that you got married at 22 and then found out at 26 that your husband was having an affair the entire time.

I only say this because I do wish that when *I* was 26 and my WH introduced me to his "friend" from college (OW) and her husband and had us take our child there for playdates, etc. that someone had said to me: They have been having an A for 13 years! Don't marry this guy! Just sell your house, file for child support and be glad you found out when you did!

That's just me -- but I say this because I did walk away from a marriage when I was your age. There was no infidelity, but my XH had other character problems and I realized that I didn't want to raise children with him unless that changed and that only he could change that, not me. So I walked and I'm still very glad I did, even though I did love him very much.

And, for what it's worth, I'm in limbo, not reconciled. I feel the much same way right now about WH as I did about XH regarding the character issue, but the logistics of 4 kids, etc. complicates things. Character issues eventually have a ripple effect. A person who is not a good husband will also have area in which he is not a good father, or employee, etc.

What is that saying?

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
We are glad you're posting and we're here for you no matter what you need or what you decide though.

I read something great from Melody Beattie this morning:

If we're not clear about leaving, the relationship isn't over. Stop resisting. Be in it. Take care of ourselves where we are.
It's from The New Codependency.

I think the last two sentences are KEY. "Be in it." Pay attention and participate.

AND

"Take care of ourselves where we are." Be completely self-interested. (note: not self-ish. Self-interested is my code for non-destructive selfishness. It's the difference between having an affair (selfish) and saying to your partner I realized I still have feelings for someone else that I want to pursue so we need to break up, I'm very sorry. (self-interested).)

Anyway, if you choose to do things that are in your own self-interest and resolve NOT to do things that compete with your self-interest, your relationship with your WH will either flourish (because you will be happy and fufilled) or it will evaporate.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A quick Hello to everyone.

My home computer is so screwed up - and my access to SI in particular gets jacked so often, I'm starting to wonder...

Anyway, it makes it very difficult to follow what's going on with everyone.

Hi to the newbies -
Vulnerable - I really can't grasp your situation with all these technical difficulties, but like M3, that the recovery from a LTA is sooooo difficult that many of us, had we not had any kids, might have come to a different decision other than R. Putting that aside, however, I do think it's best to think things through completely before acting on them & I think it's best not to act on emotions.

Awakened - you & I had similar situations & I wonder how you are doing - if he's left yet & how you & the kids are doing.

Fun - glad to hear you are ok.

Ats - wondering about you.

Strongish - you too. How are you?

All the other regulars are keeping pretty quiet, so I hope that's a good thing...

For me - it's truly amazing how the world looks when the rose colored glasses come off. All I see is the arrogance, really.

All I have time for - peace to all.

ETA - Had to correct the 1st line - which originally read:
"A quick Hell to everyone".
Too true, too true, but not my intention.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 11:43 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! dadof4 -- you are my winner of the first time I've ever had to do miracle's "post with two windows open" so I can keep track...

I am at the same place as you. My d-Day is about 6 weeks after yours.

And what I see from your writing is that your head is just SWIRLING. I got dizzy just reading your post and that's exactly how I feel many days as well!

the big thing I hate the most is I don't seem to be able to control these periods of anger.

You can learn to do this. Anger is appropriate or inappropriate. It's still appropriate to be angry at your life. It doesn't feel very good though! Pay attention to what is happening when you feel this anger. Everything. I would start a journal and see if there is a pattern. It will help. Much of managing anger is learning how to prevent it.

I know D would ease some of this but it would also introduce a whole nother set of problems and heartache that quite frankly I don't want to face. So I feel stuck.

This stuck feeling is a huge part of your problem. I think you should sit down and make a good list and a bad list of being married and a good list and a bad list of being divorced and compare them. It will help you to decide. Also -- think about your dealbreakers. Once you have that clearer picture in writing it might be easier for you.

Also: you are NOT STUCK. Feelings are only feelings. You aren't stuck. You're making a choice. The choices that are available might not be ideal, but they are what you have to work with, so make the best possible choice from the options at hand and *remember* that life is very fluid and a choice you make today may or may not be permanent. It's just the best choice for now. Making the best choice (best -- not easiest) is the path that will take you where you need to be. Miracle calls it the "path of least regret".

I also think you should resolve not to think or say the words "divorce" again. Just don't. Ask yourself "does this relationship have a pulse?" "what is the character of this relationship?" etc.

When I got divorced, I sat there quietly in the chair at our MC's office -- XH hadn't shown for the session -- MC said "look, you dont' have a marriage problem, he's got problems and he doesn't want to change or fix them. Do you want to be in this relationship as it is? Not as it was; not as it could be -- as it is RIGHT NOW?" -- and I took a huge deep breath and held it as long as I could and thought about it and then slowly let it out and said: "I need to get a divorce. Thank you for all of your help. I don't need another appointment." and I paid him, and left. My XH was at home, sitting on the couch, watching baseball and he started to get up and say something when I walked in the door and I just held my hand up and said "Stop. We need to get a divorce now." I was calm, and quiet, and my tone was gentle. He just nodded and said "Ok. I know you're right." And that was it. Eleven years, just over. Most marriages end with a whimper, not a bang. Because if there's enough left to really piss you off, there's still something there to fix.

If you really want to be scared - put yourself in my shoes. I just saw that my WH has been carrying around a picture of OW for the last 19 months. Shouldn't that have felt like a knife in my heart? I think it should have. Do you know what it really felt like? A deep breath, a big sigh, and the thought: "you're never going to get to where you need to be if you keep carrying the past around in your pocket."

You can't truly live your life if you're split off in different directions.

So, for now, go with what you know. The facts.

These are facts from your post:

I don't trust my wife.
I don't respect my wife.
Being able to trust and respect my wife is important to me.
I may not be able to trust or respect her again no matter what she does.
I don't want my wife to comfort me.
I am afraid of divorce.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
dadof4
♂ Member
Member # 25534
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK Girl-Thanks I had forgotten that Year 2 was the hardest. SeeSaw looney is the best description. After I read your paragraph on fear that was it what I'm experiencing. It is fear. I am going to take m334455's advise and start journaling when I get those feelings. I know seeing it on paper provides great clarity.
Learn to trust YOURSELF.

Hmm. I always viewed trusting myself as trusting I wouldn't betray my FWW. Now I need to expand that narrow description. Our MC mentioned that to us a long time ago. Shortly after he lost his license to practice (it was discussed on SI a while back). Despite that little fact you are right. I have to trust myself and my feelings. I'm not there yet.

Thanks UKgirl and m334455. I will start to put your advise to practice.

[This message edited by dadof4 at 12:22 PM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


Me 51(BH)
Her 46 (FWW)
Kids-23,21,16,14
Married 25 years.
D-Day Sept 12 2009
LTA=4 years

Reconciling.


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