he sounds very socially inept....even though he sociallizes with his parents and very few friends...he is an adult now and not a child so the diseases when in adulthood look a bit different....i think it might be worth checking out to see which socially inept disease he has....and that just sounded so wrong and so right..
If you first met my H.. you would never say he was socially inept.. he comes across as happy-go lucky, jokester, smiles, and a fun guy... he really does..
And for the most part, when he is "engaged" he's like that... when he's "done" - he finds other excuses to remove himself from the adult social scene.. It used to be (and still is often) - go "play" with the kids... go "fix" something.
It seems almost phony like to me .. when I see him laughing, and joking, and slapping everyone on the back... because I've seen too often the aftermath of how "miserable" he was there...
Not always.. but a lot of time.. especially the routine - family gatherings, school functions, kid's family functions....
I think he may enjoy himself for a short while... but then his mind is wandering and he's anxious to get back to "his tasks" .... to the 'things' he's not getting done. And BEING at something that is not "his idea" or "focused on him" then it's just in his way of getting to "his tasks".
Its somewhat of the same attitude when he attends his kids's sporting events or school functions.... He hates to go... and it takes up "too much time"...
I don't know what you call his disease... I don't see ANYONE else that acts that way around the social scene OR their kids' sports - games.
He is so confusing isn't he? While I have been fiddling with this draft I have been considering your description.
While this sort of thing is not my area of expertise I am starting to wonder if as well as the ADD he is perhaps a little obsessive-compulsive maybe even ADHD?? This also fits with someone's suggestion about asbergers.
To be honest I really don't know. Just throwing some thoughts out there.
I have included your dream in this draft
Draft 4 (I think, maybe 5?)
I am REALLY worried about No Fun and UK.
Has anyone heard from them via pms or IRL???
Neither have been on part 26.
If you are lurking girls please pop in to say hello.
Great artwork.. Thanks for including my input... I do feel like part of the "tribe"
My H is 54 years old... and it's like for the first time ever.. he's growing up... he sees it like that too at times.
I have to see it too... Lots of behaviors have been formed over 50 years... not easy.
I too am growing... and learning.. but he really never has had too... So many people just kind of "took care of him"... including me...
Thanks again everyone...
I'm re-energized in my R... and own healing.
Made me think of a "dreamcatcher" that the Native Americans make.
It's a fantastic thing to focus on.
I've been reading and praying, but not really able to keep up.
Ats: Look, I do understand that the "burning" can be a way of getting rid of some hair. Idiot DS 16 did it a little to his "unibrow" once, but stopped when he realized how potentially dangerous it can be.
If you want to have some pain, don't cut, burn cigarettes, or burn your hair, go get waxed...that will be enough pain to take your mind off of a lot of things, and get the job done better. You are not being unreasonable in your wants. I truly believe you need to go to IC again for yourself and help sort out your feelings. You may need to take an anti anxiety med, and not necessarily xanax. Everyone got on your case, because we care.
God bless everyone here at the tribe.
How long do they stay?
I think it depends on that too.
miracle, he's not really present anyhow. he's physically here but non-participatory. usually on the couch watching TV and texting friends. tonight he was "taking care" of baby paddy while I bathed the 2 and 4 year old and he just sat there and watched her scream and cry across the room for 20 minutes; didn't hold her, change her diaper, make her a bottle, bathe her -- heck, he didn't even wipe off the mashed potatoes from dinner that were crusting on her face. I guess that was my punishment for asking him to participate to make it "easier" on me. It's hopeless. IC/pdoc says I've done all I can do, just let go. So I am. I've learned more by being detached and nonreactive. It at least lets me observe what I'm really dealing with.
Today it has been 6 months since I found out that what I have always thought was a brief fling in 1999 (forgave and R) was actually a full blown 12 year EA/PA. My H has just
been lying to me all this time.
He is remorseful now, NC and bending over backwards to keep me. He realizes what he had done. I know I will forgive, not sure how (I'm reading you a lot tryn) and I WILL heal. Not sure where we will end up yet. I'm not sure that he has the strength if she tries to contact him (she's whoring with someone else). I don't know much.
Laura. The art is beautiful. I have no dreams yet...maybe someday.
Miracle. You have incredible memory and writing skills...my goodness you're good at this!
Ats, awakened and allgood. Reading you and caring for you.
Honest, NJ, Strong, Nell, Tryn, Deep, Jollum, Where. Still trying to get to know everyone.
I feel safe here.
[This message edited by 0115 at 12:46 AM, July 15th (Friday)]
Hi honey.Glad you like the word cloud.
He is remorseful now, NC and bending over backwards to keep me. He realizes what he had done
Sounds like my sich.
I WILL heal. Not sure where we will end up yet.
I have no dreams yet...maybe someday.
Sorry honey. Not acceptable. No matter where you are in your healing you HAVE to have a dream. It doesn't need to be fancy or "big". You have to have something for you. Something that makes YOU feel good. Not for your FWH or your kids or your extended family or even your SI friends. Something for YOU.
Something to bring to mind when all of this shit gets to be too much. It can include your FWH or your kids if you wish but it has to be something for you.
So come on. Give us a little dream. PLEASE!!!
It's hopeless. IC/pdoc says I've done all I can do, just let go. So I am.
WHY can't they see what is important in life? I just don't get it.
[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:34 AM, July 15th (Friday)]
I sure hope ast got his mojo back.
Last night, perfect example. I was playing with my daughter, boys were everywhere & he's watching tv. I go out for a run & make a point of telling him that her diaper needed to be changed before going. When I come back - guess what? Not changed- apparently he was waiting for the fight to be over. Interesting - never seen a fight that lasted for 30 continuous minutes with no breaks.
It's like you said, present, not participating & I've brought this to his attention, using those exact words, for years, but expecially now.
O - and btw - he went out the other night & didn't come home again. I really kept my cool tho. I texted him/called him only 3x from 4am-7am & when we finally spoke, I just made it brief & clear, no emotion, no preaching.
Detaching is going very well.
Ats: please check in.
Laura - excellent artwork, really. Thank you.
I haven't pm'd Fun, nor UK. I know UK will be absent for stretches of time, but not Fun. I'm worried too.
Peace out y'all.
present, not participating....O - and btw - he went out the other night & didn't come home again.
Am I allowed to say I HATE him? I DO. I REALLY do!!!!!
No maybe I don't. When he is being such a total dickhead dipshit fucktard moron it makes it easier for you to detach which hopefully makes it easier for you to D.
When he is being such a total dickhead dipshit fucktard moron it makes it easier for you to detach which hopefully makes it easier for you to D.
I will be getting in for an IC or two eventually, but the only opening before our MC next week was taken by FWW who scheduled herself for an IC today.
I have no dreams yet...maybe someday
as Richard and Oscar put it:
Happy talk, keep talking happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do,
You gotta have a dream, if you don't have a dream,
How you gonna have a dream come true?
Last night FWW and I were out and met up with another couple. It is one thing to hear FWW describe how she perceives and feels about things when she is explaining to me or in IC. It was odd to listen in like a fly on the wall as she was explaining it to our woman friend of the other couple. She really called FWW out on a couple of things FWW said. I am sure some was the beer talking (they were buying each other drinks), but it is a very different way of perceiving the world and people.
When we got home and in to bed, she started initiating sex. She was still quite looped, so as much as I REALLY wanted to do this, I realized it was because she was drunk and it had nothing to do with us. The last time we had sex when she was drunk she ended up cutting herself pretty good. I need to stop sooner though; it was really difficult to do so after she had started the intimate touching. I got up and went out to watch some TV, but I am ashamed for how far I let things go.
More signs that it is finished with us. In addition to the wedding sometime this summer, she is making plans to go up alone to visit with her father for a week or so this summer while she is unemployed. When we have talked, she wants to be more intimate and physical, and hopes she will feel that way someday. She is not happy in the relationship either, but wants us to be happy and hopes that we will be someday. These are just a couple examples of her “magical thinking” hoping for a better job, relationship, or more money, rather than figuring out how to get what she wants and working towards it. We are doing more things on our own, rather than together.
For now, I really feel there is nothing to lose if she does read my posts here. Things between us are better in that she no longer blames me for most of her frustrations as she did pre-dday, but the absence of negatives is no longer enough I think. Empathy, taking action to love me as a verb rather than adjective, being honest with people are still works in progress.
So pleased to hear from you.
I keep hearing so much about your FWW wanting to be "happy".
I guess some people don't realise that "happiness" is not something you go after. When you give happiness to others it comes back to you.
My whole life was focussed on trying to make my FWH and my kids "happy". I was always so happy when they were. If dday hadn't hit I could still have been happy - except of course when FWH's guilt led him to lash out at me!
I really believed and still believe that doing all you can to bring happiness to those you love is the secret to your own happiness. Look at Miracle. She is so happy when she is surrounded by kids. I am so happy when my kids are happy. I love it when my students are happy. I feel so good when my SI friends feel happy. If all my family and friends were happy I would be ecstatic.
If everyone in the world spent their time trying to make those they love happy rather than searching after that illusive rainbow themselves, wouldn't it be a great place?
And really - what is "happy"? Lots of money, trips around the world, power, fancy jobs, a good retirement fund, compliments or even some dipshit fucking you and telling you you are beautiful, wonderful etc to keep you sneaking back for more?
Happiness is love. Not money or power or sex or any of that other fleeting nonsense.
I'd rather be broke, living in a rented trailer with someone who really loved me than on my lovely farm with my beautiful furniture and without someone who really loved me.
Me ats. I just want you to be happy. With or without this stupid self-centred woman you are married to. And you know what? You WILL be happy - because you have so much love to give.
Read this Mrs ats and WAKE UP.
Allgood sorry he's such a pain in the ass. My wish for him is that he opens his eyes and sees what he is missing out on. So many years of that kind of shit with my H. Yesterday he told me that he realizes how he would retreat to our room when kids' friends would be over or we were hosting a party. I always thought "it's not his thing". He said "I would be texting the OW." NOW ge sees what he has missed out on. I know the kids' friends, I know what was going on in their lives, I remember the jokes and stories. He doesn't. He wasn't present. NOW he sees that. It took WAY too long. I hope your Stbxh realizes what he's missing out on soon!
That, and deeply internalizing that no one is coming to your rescue. You're on your own now, so own that, get past the fear of it and figure out where you want to be
Laura...a quick back story. I operated my own dance/gymnastics studio for 15 years before selling it (again in 1999...what a shitty year) and coming to help my H at the family business (where the OW worked). It was always my dream and I loved it! Dance was my passion. Thanks for making me think
Love the artwork, Laura28, you have a real talent.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Allgood and M33-
So sorry for how your WHs are treating you and your children!
It sounds like in both cases there is nothing else that you can do at this point other than separate. Living this way is toxic for all of you.
Maybe...just maybe there could still be some kind of epiphany when you separate. Maybe they will hit bottom and realize what they are losing and suddenly become motivated to do the hard work to save their marriages and their families.
But...the way you are describing them right now-there is a chance that they will not step up to the plate. They will allow the marriage to die.
There's no way of knowing in advance but IMHO you have to risk losing your marriage to save it! You absolutely cannot go on living the way you are now.
0115 and Laura-
It takes time...lots of it...to heal and recover.
But, if your FWS continues to show true remorse and a real willingness to change and... shows you kindness and love every day....you will eventually heal and find peace.
LTA=long tern recovery.
The WS has to remember that. We-the BS cannot rush it. We have no control over it. We have been traumatized by the LTA. We are suffering from PTSD like symptoms.
It has taken me over 4 and 1/2 yrs post d-day to get here. And like Tryin- I still trigger at times and still think about the LTA every single day.
But my husband's continued comittment to me and our marriage is evident every single day.
Maybe this will help you.
I often think of my marriage as being completely new.
That during the LTA my FWH had gotten completely off track, was in a dark toxic place and then after d-day he 'woke up' and realized that he had taken me and our marriage for granted, that he never appreciated me the way he should have and he also realized that he could not live without me. That he was 100% motivated to do anything and everything to save the marriage.
That kind of commitment is what made me open to reconciliation.
So.. I see this period as our second chance. Our marriage was broken open and we are re-inventing our marriage now. (better late than never I guess).
Everything about our marriage has changed. All the rules are different.
My expectations for him are different.
Some of my rules- no drinking at all..ever.,continued attendance at AA (he promised me both), no porn, no secrets, complete transparency, lots of 'us' time, romance, kindness shown, patience.
It's working for us.
And lately, I've created a short simple mantra for myself...when a trigger hits... I try to push it out of my mind by saying to myself:"That was then...this is now".
Our new marriage is nothing at all like the marriage we had before. And DEFINITELY nothing like the marriage we had during the 5 yr LTA.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:41 PM, July 15th (Friday)]