Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: molly5 (43147)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 26
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he sounds very socially inept....even though he sociallizes with his parents and very few friends...he is an adult now and not a child so the diseases when in adulthood look a bit different....i think it might be worth checking out to see which socially inept disease he has....and that just sounded so wrong and so right..

Iwantamiracle...

If you first met my H.. you would never say he was socially inept.. he comes across as happy-go lucky, jokester, smiles, and a fun guy... he really does..

And for the most part, when he is "engaged" he's like that... when he's "done" - he finds other excuses to remove himself from the adult social scene.. It used to be (and still is often) - go "play" with the kids... go "fix" something.

It seems almost phony like to me .. when I see him laughing, and joking, and slapping everyone on the back... because I've seen too often the aftermath of how "miserable" he was there...

Not always.. but a lot of time.. especially the routine - family gatherings, school functions, kid's family functions....

I think he may enjoy himself for a short while... but then his mind is wandering and he's anxious to get back to "his tasks" .... to the 'things' he's not getting done. And BEING at something that is not "his idea" or "focused on him" then it's just in his way of getting to "his tasks".

Its somewhat of the same attitude when he attends his kids's sporting events or school functions.... He hates to go... and it takes up "too much time"...

I don't know what you call his disease... I don't see ANYONE else that acts that way around the social scene OR their kids' sports - games.


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

WheredoIgonow

He is so confusing isn't he? While I have been fiddling with this draft I have been considering your description.

While this sort of thing is not my area of expertise I am starting to wonder if as well as the ADD he is perhaps a little obsessive-compulsive maybe even ADHD?? This also fits with someone's suggestion about asbergers.

To be honest I really don't know. Just throwing some thoughts out there.

I have included your dream in this draft


Draft 4 (I think, maybe 5?)

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe

I am REALLY worried about No Fun and UK.

Has anyone heard from them via pms or IRL???

Neither have been on part 26.

If you are lurking girls please pop in to say hello.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
WheredoIgonow
♀ Member
Member # 27130
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura28..

Great artwork.. Thanks for including my input... I do feel like part of the "tribe"
Thanks.

My H is 54 years old... and it's like for the first time ever.. he's growing up... he sees it like that too at times.

I have to see it too... Lots of behaviors have been formed over 50 years... not easy.

I too am growing... and learning.. but he really never has had too... So many people just kind of "took care of him"... including me...

Thanks again everyone...
I'm re-energized in my R... and own healing.


Me; BS (54)
Him: WS (56)
Married 29 years
DD-28, DS-26, DS-18, DS-16
OW#1 - PA - 4 1/2 years
OW#2 - EA/PA - 5 months
He thought she was his soulmate - was going to move out- confessed about OW#2 when asked. OW#1 revealed them.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura: Thank you so very much for this glorious piece of art!!! As I'm looking it over, I see many things that others of the tribe have listed that I like too!! It's a wonderful thing.

Made me think of a "dreamcatcher" that the Native Americans make.

It's a fantastic thing to focus on.

I've been reading and praying, but not really able to keep up.

Ats: Look, I do understand that the "burning" can be a way of getting rid of some hair. Idiot DS 16 did it a little to his "unibrow" once, but stopped when he realized how potentially dangerous it can be.
If you want to have some pain, don't cut, burn cigarettes, or burn your hair, go get waxed...that will be enough pain to take your mind off of a lot of things, and get the job done better. You are not being unreasonable in your wants. I truly believe you need to go to IC again for yourself and help sort out your feelings. You may need to take an anti anxiety med, and not necessarily xanax. Everyone got on your case, because we care.

God bless everyone here at the tribe.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wheredoIgonow -- yep. I mean saying something like I wasn't up for cooking today, let's go to a restaurant. depends on your friends, of course.

How long do they stay?

I think it depends on that too.

miracle, he's not really present anyhow. he's physically here but non-participatory. usually on the couch watching TV and texting friends. tonight he was "taking care" of baby paddy while I bathed the 2 and 4 year old and he just sat there and watched her scream and cry across the room for 20 minutes; didn't hold her, change her diaper, make her a bottle, bathe her -- heck, he didn't even wipe off the mashed potatoes from dinner that were crusting on her face. I guess that was my punishment for asking him to participate to make it "easier" on me. It's hopeless. IC/pdoc says I've done all I can do, just let go. So I am. I've learned more by being detached and nonreactive. It at least lets me observe what I'm really dealing with.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe
Haven't had time to post because it's taking me so long to catch up...you guys fly through pages!!!

Today it has been 6 months since I found out that what I have always thought was a brief fling in 1999 (forgave and R) was actually a full blown 12 year EA/PA. My H has just
been lying to me all this time.
He is remorseful now, NC and bending over backwards to keep me. He realizes what he had done. I know I will forgive, not sure how (I'm reading you a lot tryn) and I WILL heal. Not sure where we will end up yet. I'm not sure that he has the strength if she tries to contact him (she's whoring with someone else). I don't know much.

Laura. The art is beautiful. I have no dreams yet...maybe someday.
Miracle. You have incredible memory and writing skills...my goodness you're good at this!
Ats, awakened and allgood. Reading you and caring for you.
Honest, NJ, Strong, Nell, Tryn, Deep, Jollum, Where. Still trying to get to know everyone.
I feel safe here.
Nj,

[This message edited by 0115 at 12:46 AM, July 15th (Friday)]


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115

Hi honey.Glad you like the word cloud.

He is remorseful now, NC and bending over backwards to keep me. He realizes what he had done

Sounds like my sich.

I WILL heal. Not sure where we will end up yet.

Same here.

I have no dreams yet...maybe someday.

Sorry honey. Not acceptable. No matter where you are in your healing you HAVE to have a dream. It doesn't need to be fancy or "big". You have to have something for you. Something that makes YOU feel good. Not for your FWH or your kids or your extended family or even your SI friends. Something for YOU.

Something to bring to mind when all of this shit gets to be too much. It can include your FWH or your kids if you wish but it has to be something for you.

So come on. Give us a little dream. PLEASE!!!


M33

It's hopeless. IC/pdoc says I've done all I can do, just let go. So I am.

((((((M33)))))

WHY can't they see what is important in life? I just don't get it.

Hugs

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:34 AM, July 15th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115... happy to be of nagistic.

I sure hope ast got his mojo back.


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - Wow did you paint the picture of what's going on here too. And, all the time, I keep thinking "Is this the way visitation is going to be?" "These are the people that are most important to you, your "reason for living"?
I have always felt guilty about my kids' experience growing up - that they didn't get enough attention due to my working outside the home and due to the constant presence of younger, more needy children and the general difficulty in doing anything with 4 children of such varied ages. And, it has always pissed me off to no end to see stbx sitting on the couch watching tv while I dealt with the youngest, when I would have loved to have been spending time with the elder children.

Last night, perfect example. I was playing with my daughter, boys were everywhere & he's watching tv. I go out for a run & make a point of telling him that her diaper needed to be changed before going. When I come back - guess what? Not changed- apparently he was waiting for the fight to be over. Interesting - never seen a fight that lasted for 30 continuous minutes with no breaks.

It's like you said, present, not participating & I've brought this to his attention, using those exact words, for years, but expecially now.

O - and btw - he went out the other night & didn't come home again. I really kept my cool tho. I texted him/called him only 3x from 4am-7am & when we finally spoke, I just made it brief & clear, no emotion, no preaching.

Detaching is going very well.

Ats: please check in.

Laura - excellent artwork, really. Thank you.

I haven't pm'd Fun, nor UK. I know UK will be absent for stretches of time, but not Fun. I'm worried too.

Peace out y'all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood

present, not participating....O - and btw - he went out the other night & didn't come home again.

Am I allowed to say I HATE him? I DO. I REALLY do!!!!!

No maybe I don't. When he is being such a total dickhead dipshit fucktard moron it makes it easier for you to detach which hopefully makes it easier for you to D.

HUGS honey

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he is being such a total dickhead dipshit fucktard moron it makes it easier for you to detach which hopefully makes it easier for you to D.

Absolutely.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I did hit a new personal low this week. I was thinking I wanted to figure out what FWW got from her self-destructive actions and behaviors. It wasn't me, and was more embarrassing that therapeutic.

I will be getting in for an IC or two eventually, but the only opening before our MC next week was taken by FWW who scheduled herself for an IC today.

0115

I have no dreams yet...maybe someday

as Richard and Oscar put it:
Happy talk, keep talking happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do,
You gotta have a dream, if you don't have a dream,
How you gonna have a dream come true?

Last night FWW and I were out and met up with another couple. It is one thing to hear FWW describe how she perceives and feels about things when she is explaining to me or in IC. It was odd to listen in like a fly on the wall as she was explaining it to our woman friend of the other couple. She really called FWW out on a couple of things FWW said. I am sure some was the beer talking (they were buying each other drinks), but it is a very different way of perceiving the world and people.

When we got home and in to bed, she started initiating sex. She was still quite looped, so as much as I REALLY wanted to do this, I realized it was because she was drunk and it had nothing to do with us. The last time we had sex when she was drunk she ended up cutting herself pretty good. I need to stop sooner though; it was really difficult to do so after she had started the intimate touching. I got up and went out to watch some TV, but I am ashamed for how far I let things go.

More signs that it is finished with us. In addition to the wedding sometime this summer, she is making plans to go up alone to visit with her father for a week or so this summer while she is unemployed. When we have talked, she wants to be more intimate and physical, and hopes she will feel that way someday. She is not happy in the relationship either, but wants us to be happy and hopes that we will be someday. These are just a couple examples of her “magical thinking” hoping for a better job, relationship, or more money, rather than figuring out how to get what she wants and working towards it. We are doing more things on our own, rather than together.

For now, I really feel there is nothing to lose if she does read my posts here. Things between us are better in that she no longer blames me for most of her frustrations as she did pre-dday, but the absence of negatives is no longer enough I think. Empathy, taking action to love me as a verb rather than adjective, being honest with people are still works in progress.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3962 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats

So pleased to hear from you.

I keep hearing so much about your FWW wanting to be "happy".

I guess some people don't realise that "happiness" is not something you go after. When you give happiness to others it comes back to you.

My whole life was focussed on trying to make my FWH and my kids "happy". I was always so happy when they were. If dday hadn't hit I could still have been happy - except of course when FWH's guilt led him to lash out at me!

I really believed and still believe that doing all you can to bring happiness to those you love is the secret to your own happiness. Look at Miracle. She is so happy when she is surrounded by kids. I am so happy when my kids are happy. I love it when my students are happy. I feel so good when my SI friends feel happy. If all my family and friends were happy I would be ecstatic.

If everyone in the world spent their time trying to make those they love happy rather than searching after that illusive rainbow themselves, wouldn't it be a great place?

And really - what is "happy"? Lots of money, trips around the world, power, fancy jobs, a good retirement fund, compliments or even some dipshit fucking you and telling you you are beautiful, wonderful etc to keep you sneaking back for more?

Happiness is love. Not money or power or sex or any of that other fleeting nonsense.

I'd rather be broke, living in a rented trailer with someone who really loved me than on my lovely farm with my beautiful furniture and without someone who really loved me.

Me ats. I just want you to be happy. With or without this stupid self-centred woman you are married to. And you know what? You WILL be happy - because you have so much love to give.

Read this Mrs ats and WAKE UP.

HUGS ATS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok my dream would be to dance again. To be flexible and strong and graceful....and to be able to take a day off next year to spend with my youngest (5) son.

Allgood sorry he's such a pain in the ass. My wish for him is that he opens his eyes and sees what he is missing out on. So many years of that kind of shit with my H. Yesterday he told me that he realizes how he would retreat to our room when kids' friends would be over or we were hosting a party. I always thought "it's not his thing". He said "I would be texting the OW." NOW ge sees what he has missed out on. I know the kids' friends, I know what was going on in their lives, I remember the jokes and stories. He doesn't. He wasn't present. NOW he sees that. It took WAY too long. I hope your Stbxh realizes what he's missing out on soon!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of the key to healing is gratitude. If you concentrate on the blessings you have in your life, and expend your energy developing and tending to those blessings, then your best life possible will naturally flow from there. That, and deeply internalizing that no one is coming to your rescue. You're on your own now, so own that, get past the fear of it and figure out where you want to be. Anyone ever check out the Marriage Builders stuff? They don't advocate even trying to trust your WS again. They say that's ridiculous. You can't trust your WS because your WS has proven they are very untrustworthy.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m33 I think you're right and I think that's one of the hardest parts for me...I'm on my own.
I have always protected him and felt like he would do the same for me. He didn't...not even close. To realize that the only one watching out for me is me is scary and I guess painful. I always thought it was us...a team...I didn't realize he chose someone else to be on his team...not me

That, and deeply internalizing that no one is coming to your rescue. You're on your own now, so own that, get past the fear of it and figure out where you want to be

Thank-you.

Laura...a quick back story. I operated my own dance/gymnastics studio for 15 years before selling it (again in 1999...what a shitty year) and coming to help my H at the family business (where the OW worked). It was always my dream and I loved it! Dance was my passion. Thanks for making me think


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dropping by to say "Hi, tribe" and to let you know I'm lurking on and off. Sorry you guys just move too fast for me and I can't keep up.

Love the artwork, Laura28, you have a real talent.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8934 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all-
Been away for a few days and am trying to catch up.

Allgood and M33-
So sorry for how your WHs are treating you and your children!
It sounds like in both cases there is nothing else that you can do at this point other than separate. Living this way is toxic for all of you.
Maybe...just maybe there could still be some kind of epiphany when you separate. Maybe they will hit bottom and realize what they are losing and suddenly become motivated to do the hard work to save their marriages and their families.

But...the way you are describing them right now-there is a chance that they will not step up to the plate. They will allow the marriage to die.

There's no way of knowing in advance but IMHO you have to risk losing your marriage to save it! You absolutely cannot go on living the way you are now.

0115 and Laura-
It takes time...lots of it...to heal and recover.
But, if your FWS continues to show true remorse and a real willingness to change and... shows you kindness and love every day....you will eventually heal and find peace.
LTA=long tern recovery.
The WS has to remember that. We-the BS cannot rush it. We have no control over it. We have been traumatized by the LTA. We are suffering from PTSD like symptoms.
It has taken me over 4 and 1/2 yrs post d-day to get here. And like Tryin- I still trigger at times and still think about the LTA every single day.
But my husband's continued comittment to me and our marriage is evident every single day.

Maybe this will help you.
I often think of my marriage as being completely new.
That during the LTA my FWH had gotten completely off track, was in a dark toxic place and then after d-day he 'woke up' and realized that he had taken me and our marriage for granted, that he never appreciated me the way he should have and he also realized that he could not live without me. That he was 100% motivated to do anything and everything to save the marriage.
That kind of commitment is what made me open to reconciliation.
So.. I see this period as our second chance. Our marriage was broken open and we are re-inventing our marriage now. (better late than never I guess).
Everything about our marriage has changed. All the rules are different.
My expectations for him are different.
Some of my rules- no drinking at all..ever.,continued attendance at AA (he promised me both), no porn, no secrets, complete transparency, lots of 'us' time, romance, kindness shown, patience.
It's working for us.

And lately, I've created a short simple mantra for myself...when a trigger hits... I try to push it out of my mind by saying to myself:"That was then...this is now".

Our new marriage is nothing at all like the marriage we had before. And DEFINITELY nothing like the marriage we had during the 5 yr LTA.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:41 PM, July 15th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
Love the artwork! It's beautiful.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.