FWW is a cutter, I cannot do that, but tonight I discovered flame.
Her OM were smooth. I am what our gay friends would refer to as a bear. Some discrete application of a lighter and the straggly chest, shoulder, and other hair is trim. I am a long way from smooth like OM, but no longer straggly. Not for her, but my new life. I can be smoother. A cigarette to the skin helps the little brain to control itself. She gas tried dye and Nair on me, but, I can just burn it off. I will never have the full head of hair
, but I can be smoother and trim. Anytime the little head gets aroused, a cigarette burn shuts him down.
Not for her, but I can be smooth and sexy for the next.
NO MORE RUM. NONE.
Take care honey. There are no words I know. Now go and try to get some sleep and dream of diving and fishing, great~water, time exploring and being Captain of your life.
Thinking of you Bro
All those posts sound like my self portrait done not long after dday. Burnt!
OK.. So today is a new day.
I did however, see Ats' post.
Ats: I seriously don't even understand your last post, other than to get that you've done some manscaping, which is always a good thing. Lol.
The drinking - very tempting. I've been able to stay away from it by a firm reminder that I do not need more troubles. I don't need a hangover, I don't need empty calories, I don't need to give my stbx any mud to sling at me & I don't need an addiction issue.
Also, if you don't want to divorce or you are not ready to do it, for WHATEVER reason, then don't!
Just remembered the spying eyes, so I will pm the rest.
tonight I discovered flame
It just keeps getting better and better!
As far as feeling down... this is the most difficult ting I have ever gone through. It's this and hand-to-hand life-or-death combat, I think. So feel your feelings without guilt.
I don't do MUCH that I don't wanna do any longer. I weigh everything with MY NEEDS in the center. New stuff. Good stuff.
Okay, Boyo2 up and ready to go so I must run, too.
Hugs to everyone I missed.
Allow me to interpolate... ats can correct me later...
Her OM were smooth.
I am what our gay friends would refer to as a bear. Some discrete application of a lighter and the straggly chest, shoulder, and other hair is trim.
I am a long way from smooth like OM, but no longer straggly. Not for her, but my new life. I can be smoother.
A cigarette to the skin helps the little brain to control itself. She gas tried dye and Nair on me, but, I can just burn it off. I will never have the full head of hair, but I can be smoother and trim.
while Iím typing and the rum has taken over my head, I accidently drop my ashes and they hit my crotch. OUCH that hurt! But damnt, I to can look like Andre Agassi and get me a hot chick like Stefanie Graf. Damn, that hot flame still hurts! Everytime I start thinking about a sweet hot thang like Stefee... I forget about that darn ash!
Strong.. I do have something I fear. My child being deployed to Iraq. I think I would fear that. I'm sure that weighs on you. In my prayers.
Laura.. you are such a good woman.
Nell, did an ash fall on you the other night at that party too?
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:19 AM, July 14th (Thursday)]
For example, last night my wife and I were having our small talk and she mentions that gasoline is cheapest at a "x" station by 30 cents.
Humm, that station is a block from OM office and why was she in that area?
OK the dentist is very close too. A normal route from her work would not take her in that direction. But if she wanted to swing around and stop in the ole office, she would happen to pass right by that gas station.
And me, my gut feelings kick in. Are they right? are they wrong?
That day she went to the dentist was different too. For the first time since I can remember, She Initiated! And without one hint from me! That's way different.
OK... Today, I leave it in the hands of God. So... I am gonna go make some Money!
Peace out today...
ATS.. It is a new day.. forge ahead brother!
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:24 AM, July 14th (Thursday)]
It was like a breath of fresh air to read your insights and wisdom.. You seem to "get" how I feel sometime.
I've been so busy at work, boy's baseball games, and just other family committments, I can't spend as much time on this site as I'd like.
But it's early morning now where I live (the beautiful Pacific Northwest).. and I have some time.
First, I just wanted to say that I've had a couple of great days - thanks to all of you. I feel better about myself.... my H.... and just life in general... I had been having some bad days... and it's nice to have some great days.
Laura28 - Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I've thought a lot about your "dream" question... and have been thinking of "my" dreams for quite some time.
At one time, I wanted to remodel our house... that I designed.. we were going to do that 18 years ago... well loss of H job, 2 more kids, school tuitions.. etc... changed that full dream. Now it's been a kitchen dream..for the past 5 or 6 years... but that's been on hold..
Now, I (we) are going to just Do It!... I've been working on that design.. and we are talking to a contractor.... I'm scared and nervous about the cost... but we are just going to do it...
My other dreams, well.. having an art room just for me... so I can paint, draw, ceramics...
But that really won't happen until I retire... which my goal is 8 more years...
Kids will be out of college, financial obligations will be a lot less... and I will truly have MORE free time...
I want to travel to Europe and tropical places... and that is my goal..as fillers to my big dreams. I'm happy to stay around home... entertain and cook around my "new kitchen" with my family and friends..
Those are my dreams..
My dream of having lots of children and being a mother to them has one I've been living and enjoying for over 26 years.... I feel so lucky there.
Oh.. and if I could add to that list of great words on your art work, I would have
I hope you are having better days recently.... because you really picked me up. You deserve to be happy..
trynhard - Thanks for the advice on the Forgiveness topic.. book recommendation and "list". I assume that the list you posted about forgiveness is the one everyone was talking about.
It's made me think a lot about that topic... It's made me look deeper at myself and make sure I'm being honest with myself. Have I really forgiven my H... Have I forgiven myself.. I'm going to get that book too.
awakendbytruth - thanks for the warm welcome and response. It sounds like our WS are eerily similar in some ways.
jollum - thanks for your insight. I'm sorry you have to also deal with the ILY situation. It's frustrating and unbelievable.
m334455 - thanks for your responses. The "leaving" out of the blue has been a pattern of his for over 27 years.. we've talked about it in MC... and she's reinforced the need for communication.... he has honestly tried at times.. but he really does slip into it often.
I think he really believes "I know that he's leaving" and that makes it okay. During the As... Im sure he spent a lot of that time "talking to them".. but I'm not afraid of that now.... and it's not really a Dealbreaker for me unless I believed (or found out) that he was breaking NC.
It's his escape patterns. Escape from his "world".... often happens during a social event.. big or small.
Just the other night we had 1 couple over.... he sat with us for awhile... and then he "left"... he went to water plants and talk to his brother. He was gone for an hour and half.. and the couple had left by the time he was back.... It infuriates me.... They know him and have seen him do this before, so it didn't bother them... But it REALLy bothered me..
I gently remind him to please just say "I'm leaving, I'll be back in awhile".. whatever. But I know he won't because then he "might look bad in their eyes' that he doesn't want to be in their company OR someone might try to encourage him to stay. It's "easier" for him.
I'm not sure what else to do on that one except "accept" - "remind" - and try not "get mad or frustrated"..
I will work harder at accepting him for who he is... and that's maybe where I have some issues with.... I felt like I did "accept" him for who he was.. and then the As.... I now have a higher bar for him... I don't want to accept everything now... I guess I'm trying to figure out what I can "accept" as well as to continue to heal.
It changes though sometimes.. and as I look back on the past 2 years, I've changed my thoughts and expectations a lot.
I'm sure I'll post again here.
I like the "Tribe" term... it's a term we use in our close-knit family... because we are extremely close...and support each other.... like this group.
I hope everyone continues to find peace.. and grow... and find happiness. We all deserve it.
maybe its time for you to go see a dr and get some meds, ad's or at the very least some xanax to use sparingly....
get your head straight so that you can make a decision if you feel its time to reevaluate.....
wheredoigonow: reading your post all i could think of is aspergers....to be that socially unacceptable....there may well be a good reason...sop check into it...
its good to hear from you honest...i think you should be posting way more often hon...
I'm not sure if my H fits in the Aspergers category - but it seems like he might have some of those symptons..
What's different is that he comes across at first as a sociable - happy-go-lucky guy... it's very surficial... And being in a social situation for too long... you have to get beyond the "surficial" . And I think that is where he is very uncomfortable... he becomes vunerable..
He also describes himself as a ADD guy.... and there is probably some truth to that too. Instead of living in the moment.. he's ready to move on to the next thing.. before he even trys to enjoy or be present in the now... He flits from one thing to another... or just from one thought to another....
I would like to post more.... but it does take time... and I end up spending too much time as it is on here. But it REALLY helpe and I want to help out others too.
m3...oh hon....i wish i could wrap you up in my arms and rock you for a bit....let your mind set still for just a while...i read what you tell everyone else to do on the go get im....or get out kind of messages....and im thinkin that you are actually being somewhat reflective and trying to talk yourself into what you are tellin others....
of course i could be off base...and if i am i apologize....
of course i could be off base...and if i am i apologize....
No. I'm actually doing it. I guess I wish I'd been able to do it right away -- would have saved myself so much time. Nonetheless... I guess it had to wait until I could do it calmly. Everything I do is based on the assumption of me being alone and responsible for these kids from here on out. He can come along if he's going to behave appropriately, but I'm not going to write a budget or a life plan based on that. Sterotypes exist for a reason.
ATS -- um. Ok. Look: if you're being self-destructive when you drink then you can't drink. It's as simple as that. I'll leave it there, other than to say that I empathize.
Oh.. he's capable... that is what is so frustrating..
And this couple that was over.. is supposed to be "our friends" - though yes the lady is one of my good friends.
He doesn't really have any friends though.. and he knows that... except his old college buddies - who get together - maybe once a year.... his brother - who lives 300 miles away.. and this "one" single friend of his.. who is nice guy - but kind of a lost soul - and my typical H.. gravitates to these kind of people... who I he feels sorry for.. and wants to help them..
We've talked about how I want us to have "couple" friends so we can do couple things.... And it seems like once we start building that...it's suddenly too much. We "always" get together with such and such... lets get together with X and X... we haven't seen them for awhile...
Then I have a large extended family - which we do see each other often. And my H really only likes one of the in-laws... and he can care less about the others.. and would prefer to "never" get together with them - because we see them all the time.
So, I say - OK - you organize and plan a get together with a couple that we can get together with... and he may.. once.. but that is it..
We have NO close couple friends... except for my family and maybe his brother and wife... He got tired of my family A LONG time ago.
They are so supportive and loving and tolerant of him... he is lucky...
He "thinks" that it should just be US only... and I learned a long time ago... that even when I tried to fulfill his wishes of just US.... it really didn't make a big difference in the scheme of things... and I like doing things with just US.. and we do A LOT....
But evenso, he really resists doing things with others.... - well at least when I initiate it.
It's a big issue with us.. and I get less mad about it... and am more calm (most of the time) when trying to talk about it.
I just don't get it.. I've been trying to figure it out for years... it's been worse over the last 10 years I would say..
It's like he just gets "tired" of things... and withdraws...
He used to love my family and my energy of making new friends.. he used to love being with me at different events.... It's surprising sometimes to me that we are even still together after 28 years.
I felt like that is what happened to us... He just got "tired" of me, our crazy life, the family, etc....
We do "new" things all the time.. go places, try new things, etc..
I just don't know.. Sometimes I'm stronger about it - and I just don't care - and will just be me - and be social with others.
Other times I do... and miss having a "partner" to share so many things with. He looks at it - that I just want him there to "stand by his side" - and then I'd be happy... and I would say NO.. I want you to be in my life and share my life with you.. share experiences and relationships together...
He doesn't see it that way.
STOP painting yourself black! She does enough of that and she sure does not need any help from you! Alcohol is not a sleeping pill. It may make you think you are sleepy but the sleep from drink is not very restfull. STAY away from the flames.
The art work is looking better. Good job. I liked the 'Roo picture. The little one cracked me up. I need a couple of them in my yard.
Here is something for you to be jealous about. A few years ago I had nine fawns in my yard at one time. You could not tell them apart without a scorecard. Two days ago I had four fawns here. Two sets of twins. They got into a fight! Gang violence in the woods.
Did you like my new word and are you now keeping a list?
Many here do not get to spend as much time here as they want. Sometimes many also think they spend way too much time here. These people here at the LTA house can be addicting. They all usually get how you feel and are glad to help.
Your H sounds like he has some things in common with my W. She has ADD and BPD, which is boarderline personality disorder. Many of the different personality disorders have similar traits so it can be confusing about what is really going on. The pros have a hard time figuring all this out. If you have not checked out some of these things it might help to do so. It can help if you have an idea about what is going on with your spouse. Keep checking in and asking questions. You will get plenty of advice. Some might even "nag" at you.
Hugs to the tribe.
wheredoIgonext: I will explain the difference -- your WH is willing to be rude to you and your friends but not to his friends. That's about it. It's pretty much what I expected you to say. It's a form of manipulation ultimately. Maybe next time do something unexpected. Say "X and Y are coming over" and then when they come -- go somewhere! Invite him, or not. Whichever would give you the most fun.
I accept that my needs are unrealistic, unreasonable
As for me....pity party of last night and this morning is over. Had an appt. with my IC and she helped me get some perspective. (See ats, we all need to get some perspective at times!) She helped me see that this has been a tough week under any circumstances and on top of the 1-year I've spent trying to deal with FWH and my messed up M, I was bound to feel depressed and teary. For all I know she's making that up but for the $$ I spend at least she makes it sound convincing!
Thinking about you all....will write more later.
Then invite him to come along if I choose to invite him??
I try to be honest and up front with him and give him a choice. And sometimes, if he doesn't want to participate, I say okay - and I tell him I still want to. He kind of resents that..
Or if we go over to someone's house or a party... he'll leave fairly quickly and then he gets mad if I stay "too long" in his eyes... He thinks I'm ALWAYS the "last to leave" - which I am sometimes.. but I'm having fun and enjoy people. Though I worked very hard pre-As, during As, and definitely after the As.. to respect him and leave "with him"... though sometimes I learned it really didn't matter, he either did something else when we got home (something real important like mow the lawn or get on his computer)...or went to bed... and didn't care whether I was there or not.
And he usually got mad at me that I wasn't "paying enough attention to him" at a party or event... he's better since we've been to MC.. and doesn't accuse me of this as often anymore.... and 1) it was NEVER true!!! Like you said, I think it was just another one of his manipulation tactics, his insecurities, his jealousy of me and making friends and talking to people, and his twisted MLC of wanting all of the attention on himself...
It's a tough one though... I'm constantly trying to find the balance.
Did you like my new word and are you now keeping a list?
love your new word...and no i am not keeping a list....i suck at list keepings, can make them and then the problem comes on remembering where they are...
and the mental lists i think make me mental because i cannot remember those either..
wheredoigonow: he sounds very socially inept....even though he sociallizes with his parents and very few friends...he is an adult now and not a child so the diseases when in adulthood look a bit different....i think it might be worth checking out to see which socially inept disease he has....and that just sounded so wrong and so right...
He can come along if he's going to behave appropriately
and herein lies some of your angst...he seems to do just enough to keep you guessing that he is and yet he doesnt do enough to convince you either...
leaving you wondering, ever wondering...and i believe you already see all he will ever be....so the question is now....is this enough...
nell: its good to hear that you dont do "much" any more that you dont choose to do...or i should say want to do....i understand we all need to give and take in a relationship....i guess i projected...for my entire relationship i gave and gave and he took took and took some more, never really giving....and i guess i am done giving and when infidelity reared its head done giving is an understatement...i made IT ALL about ME...NONE about him,....his days were over where it was about him....and they were over forever that decision was made instantaneously for me....of course if someone died like his mother or father i would have to make it about him, but it would still be different...very very different....