People could look at a T-shirt made and think WTF is that?
It's da tribe!
Great to hear from you again and I'm so sorry you are having a tough time again.
As for the Dreams. It is so important we have something to look forward to without or without our (F)WSs.
So what do you want? Forget practicalities like infidelity, kids and mortgages and responsibilities. What would you love to do, have see, feel in the future.
Let your imagination go.
What would you like????
YAY. DA tribe!!!!!
Now I'm thinking I need to add the word tribe somewhere.
Do you like the colours???
For me can you add Triathalons or just the words swim bike run.
When its finished Im definitely printing this as a poster for inspiration.
Laura's dream Nag
There are still a few members of the tribe whose dreams I'd love to hear about.
and other lurkers.
Come on people. Not only do we want to know your dreams we want to hear from you. Some of you haven't posted for a while. I get very anxious when some of our friends don't check in.
There are still a few members of the tribe whose dreams I'd love to hear about.
and other lurkers.
Love to all
i love it...cant wear that though...i would have to much splainin to do...especially to the little people in my life or my kids...
but love the idea of a poster in my closet i think...i go to my closet at least twice everyday so it would be cool to see it everyday..a dream board....
welcome back mitz....wow...4 years...yet so much of it has been false r....of course you dont believe he has not given you reason to believe...basically he needs to create a new history instead of repeating old....new history is how trust is rebuilt....everyday when he remains true, honest, transparent and loving, each day adds to a new history....but, i should say BUT...one day of old history puts him back at start....2 days puts him back to before start and in a hole and so forth and so on...each day consectively adds new history....njgal is the best example of that...her "F"ws created new history every single day...not to mention put up with all the crazy without complaint...at least not until recently...and even then the complaint was not so big...and he still maintained creating the new history...never waivering...
each ws needs to do that, by backtracking or adding new lies...any lies, any blameshifting, any anything is not creating the new necessary history to feel safe...
wheredo i go now...welcome to lta.....
Our MC has said to my H... if she goes to her IC... she (me) may choose to move on..
and is this why you have not gone....
what is good for the individual may not always be whats is good for the marriage....however if the individual is not a healed human solving old hurts then that human is not really good for the marriage...kind of a damned if you do and damned if you dont...
for me our mc was asked by both me and pfm (my ws) to see him for ic....the mc said he could not do that for the reasons stated above...thats when i said to him, that if pfm does not heal himself and fix himself i have no marriage anyways because he is useless in the marriage...so we dropped him as mc and he became pfms ic....and here we stand 2 and half years later and pfm is still an active liar....so alot of good that did...
tryn: so you have been dubbed the nag....well you are the nicest sweetest nag ever...
purple...choosing to be happy...i agree it can be a choice as long as life doesnt throw you a curve ball and the best we can do sometimes is to look at the bright side...of course there are the days where there is no bright side...but those days pass...
laura: i am sorry you are finding yourself so sad....i hope finding forgiveness for mr laura gives you what you need...that and time...dont forget its only been a year and all you have had to deal with....remember...
lta=long term recovery....emdr or not
ats: well i am glad you are not paying...i still dont think she should be goin without you...
when i got married i did not invite my fathers wife...but of course that is because my fathers wife is my mothers sister....so that was one fucked up sich i did not want my mom to deal with at her dd's wedding...so unless there is a valid reason like that one..she has no businees goin without you...
and by the guest list it sounds like a really sad event...you probably would do better fishin...just sayin..
I'm not afraid of anything
if you are joking..then
if you are serious we will need to chat...
wheredoigonow and mitz....a few pages back there was something of what we need to move on and reconcile....without it the reconcilliation is nothing but a mirage...
roll call please....
I need time to heal. he nods his head.. but he says you'll never be satisfied with me.. and you'll always want more from me.. I'll never meet your expectations..... but he feelslike he's giving has much as he can now.
When I disagree, he says well we might as well call it quits then.
This is what I was afraid of with him. He has a tough time sustaining effort.. he's never saved a dime in his life.. He has a hard time finishing projects.. and now he's in the fight for his life - our lives.. and I feel like he's kind of giving up.
IF these patterns have been set for decades, can he really change??
wow, change the he to she and you have my sich.
wow, change the he to she and you have my sich.
Overall, my H is a nice man - funny - and can be giving... I see him do it to so many others every day... and he's nice to me often... it's the emotional part that is broken.
I think we are good partners and have fun together often.
I think we are good parents together - and that is the best we can give to our 4 children - especially the 2 that are still living with us.
I want us to reap the benefits of our retirement - and no kids in the house - together. Travel together - relax - and have fun together.
Again, totally understand all of these reasonings. He is such in a funk though, that he no longer wants to make those travel plans together. He loves being a parent. It became painful when I could see he enjoyed it more than being with me.
The kids are a big factor.. and I don't want to screw them up for the rest of their lives. That's probably my biggest fears of D my H.I guess I'm more afraid that he will never look at me "positively" and "loving" again - until maybe when I'm gone.He now expects our relationship to be more like his fantasy relationship.
He always uses the term.... I just want us to get along, smile, and have fun... then I would be happy.
My WH uses the natural and authentic word a lot but he is hung up on the sexual authenticity. Apparently being open and having fun isn't enough, I need to initiate it all the time also. He's hooked on the natural longing for his body....
Here's where I am....I have been saying what you are saying for a good six months now. I would try to let go and relax, grow and be the example. I love Tryin's list.....and I think I tried to do those things. But I couldn't stay focused because he travels, works with the OW, is selfish and could rarely overlook his own hurt to give back to me. It finally became so toxic, I asked him to leave. If you can do what Tryin says...I say do it. It's the ultimate sacrifice that may get a desired behavior in return. As I sat there last night and kissed his head as he cried that he was sorry, I couldn't help but wish he could give me some compassion in return. I don't think I ever trusted that it would ever come back around for me. It is true what they say, when you know, you will know. It became as clear as a bell that I could no longer sit in the situation, no matter what.
Welcome and hugs (((WheredoIgonow))))
What Total Forgiveness is NOT
1) Approval of what they did
2) Excusing what they did
3) Justifying what they did
4) Pardoning what they did
6) Denying what they did
7) Blindness to what happened
9) Refusing to take the wrong Seriously
10) Pretending we are not hurt
What Total Forgiveness is
1) Being aware of what someone has done and still forgive them
2) Choosing to keep no records of wrongs
3) Refusing to punish
4) Not telling what they did
5) Being Merciful
7) It is an inner condition
8) It is the absence of bitterness
9) Forgiving God
10) Forgiving ourselves
The following are acts of kindness or things you can do that are forgiving. First… forgiveness is a choice… It is not a feeling… It is not anything you can or cannot do unless you decide… You can make your brain do these things…
1) Make the choice to forgive
2) Make the deliberate and irrevocable choice not to tell anyone what they did.
3) Be pleasant to them should you be around them
4) If conversation ensues, say that which would set them free from guilt
5) Let them feel good about themselves
6) Protect them from their greatest fears
7) Keep it up today, tomorrow, this year and next
8) Pray for them
See each and every one of us can do all these things. It takes some brain strength and you may fail occasionally. So you start over at it again. But you get good at it in a very short time.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:07 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)]
It sounds like you are not getting the Love of Affirmed. What is that?
Let me share what I do… These are behaviors that are learned and takes effort by both you and your spouse.
My W and I now kiss at EVERY greeting. EVERYTIME. This starts with you explaining to you H’s. It should go in a postive way, Something important to me is for us to greet each other with something loving. A kiss is loving. Will you start kissing me and hugging me every time we greet after an absent? This will make me feel loved. Then both start doing it! It sounds so simple but let me tell ya, it’s hard if for years you never did it. It then becomes habit. Sometime now, when we greet I intentionally, won’t let her go for a few extra seconds.
occasionally let me know verbally that I look pretty and beautiful.
An you laugh about my repetition.. (nag) You must tell others over and over for them to learn new behaviors that will help you feel better about relationship. I have pushed it to nag stage
I have just mention a couple of behavior changes that make any relationship better. The problem often is for each bad feeling you have, it is a new subject to breach. Even without infidelity, you can have many negative behaviors in a M. The repetition I speak cannot happen "close" in time one another. You must allow someone to make the mistake again and loving remind them in some way. It takes time for each subject you start to work on.
And you know what? you must also be open to changing the behaviors you have that they don't like. To think you are perfect is egotistical.
Awaken… I can understand your feelings about your H working with OW. For me, my boundary was, ” quit your job”, so I do not have to have all these bad feelings about you continuing to be so close. She quit. If she had not quit, I was going to end my M. I can tell this is a sore spot in your M. I don’t blame you and maybe your H just won’t quit. Then, he must pay the consequences which is losing a beautiful very good looking deep thinking woman. And he splits the family. That is his choice.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:11 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)]
I think this, until you D your W, you are not going to be happy. Happy meaning this very fine peace, at ease feeling... like laying in a hammick on a lake with nothing on the agenda.
Your W is not loving you. You need to be loved. I think you are much like me. I need a woman to love me. I am not the "single" player type of man. She is only your roomate and baby sitter. Since you are like me, it really does eat at you.
It is her choice not to love you. and of course, you still have feelings for her. If you didn't still have feelings for her, I would say you would be a sociopath.
You know how we always read about how NC is a must after Dday? Why is that? It is a must to fall out of love. NC means you make the choice to stop loving someone because since love is an action, you cannot do that action. To stop that behaviors becomes not loving. And as time passes, those feeling associated with love also go away. Feeling come and go.(OK loving the AP it could be "pretend" love)
You somehow must have the courage to know, you will find a new partner in life. When you do find the right partner for you, your kids will love her too. You really deserve to be loved. Don't be like my grandma.
You took the first step in a more secure job. You can continue to look for the idea job but you are now back on some solid footings.
It's time to get your papers going. Start asking your W to start thinking about what she wants from the house, How are you going to tell the kids, Stuff like that. Tell her you need a few $1000 to get the attorney and she does need to start looking for one too. This D is going to set you back a few bucks but It is a must for you to move on in life. That pain of end can get pretty ugly too. I bet Allgood is telling not much about really what is going on.
You fine folks think I made this stuff up? NO I have not. It is from all the books, MC, IC and Retrou.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:20 AM, July 13th (Wednesday)]
Your artwork is absolutely awesome and was a great pick me up today. I've been feeling a little crazy lately (maybe the EMDR) and your artwork was a great way to re-focus. It is really fun.
Also, I'm sorry you are feeling down. Something in one of your posts really struck a chord with me. The FWW only said ILY to OM when she would have an O during sex. Unfortunately I realized this during HB and questioned her on it and while she didn't say "yes" she just hangs her head in shame and changes the subject. That is a big factor in why I don't want to have sex with her now. It has changed my perspective what sex is. It used to be a time (I thought) of "making love" and strengthening that special bond I thought we had. Now it seems like it was never any more than just sex and it really doesn't have the meaning to me that it did. I may be one of the few men on the planet who never wanted to just "have sex" with a woman but to be connected emotionally and sex be a part of that.....
Oh crap...did I really just write all of that? I need to go fire up the grill and roast some meat and then spit and stuff before my man card is revoked
as for the sex vs making love...
for me i do both...there were times when pfm and i would have sex and there were times when it was making love and even then there were times that we were having fun and had sex.....its all in the emotion you feel at the time....while i never stopped loving pfm, loved him through all of our marriage there were still times that we didnt make love, but had sex, or better fun sex.....does not mean i didnt love him, that just was not the primary emotion.....
of course pfm also "raped" me one nite...and i could tell you that i felt no love for him at that time..while i still loved him i didnt feel it if you know what i mean....
purple...im with tryn...i dont think you can ever find happiness with your wife who continues to live making bad choices and all of her choices are not you or her family...
awakened...reconcilliation is a 2 person job...and for the ws he has to do more at all times and it has to be about you because while caught up in his cheatin it was all about him, his needs, his desires...he needs to prove himself to you that he is worthy....that he is worth a second chance....and instead your ws seems to still be focused on himself....which means you will never feel safe with him...and for that i am sorry...i know how it feels and it sucks..
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the work! Thank you!!!!
He's hooked on the natural longing for his body.
How are things?
Tried to talk to stbx yesterday about what exactly to say, but we were interrupted. I will try to talk to him about it today, but it's really just a formality. I know I will be the one with the plan, etc.
Other than dreading that, I'm ok. Detaching is going really well. I don't really miss the texts and phone contact with him much & when I do - I'm able to fight it off for the most part.
My friend had given me some information about my stbx' behavior recently which might have irritated me or made me feel sad in the past, but I was really surprised at how neutral I felt.
I do not foresee me losing the anger at him however. At how he can say the kids are more important to him than anything, how he maintains that he wants to stay together, especially for them, yet can't do basic shit to make that happen.
And, so who is most directly affected? Our kids. Not just their daily life is affected, but their outlook and expectations from life.
Ok - his life is going to suck too, but he deserves it. The kids totally don't deserve this.
The kids totally don't deserve this.