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DISCLAIMER- There used to be a great post here on the WS forum about trickle truthing (TT for short) but it seems to have become lost. Luckily, I found a cached copy and since the issue of TT is so hurtful to the chances of Reconciliation, I have reposted the document once more for those that need to read it.

Floridaredman - October 17th (Sunday), 2010 - Trickle truth – The Marriage Killer

So many times when a wayward spouse has been caught or confesses to their infidelity, they minimize or omit information that is crucial for recovery. I say crucial because every nano bit of information about the wayward's betrayal to the BS is pertinent and important to the BS.

A lot of it has to do with the wayward going into survival and selfish mode by instinct. They have spent months to years hiding their betrayal. Always trying to be careful of concealing it from their BS. Hiding the fear of getting caught either by becoming angry and distant or affectionate and loving to keep the BS in the dark.

Once caught, the WS has 2 options. One is to tell the whole truth right then and the second one is to minimize and omit.

There are a lot of WS's who choose option 1. Telling it all. It's like releasing a relief valve and everything comes out. They want it out because they are tired of living the lie.

The ones that choose option 2 are trying to preserve themselves. They are trying to not lose the marriage. The WS also minimizes to not be seen as the cruel, disrespectful and self gratifying monster they were during the affair. They do not want to let the BS know how dark and deceitful they have become or, for the most part, already were. This in itself is another selfish move. They have already taken the risk of losing the marriage with the affair and are compounding the risk with each lie that they continue to tell. .

Trickle Truth is one of the most damaging contributions to recovery.

The BS is already faced with betrayal and now they are further crushed by the WS still withholding information. This leads to the belief that the affair is still ongoing. That the WS is keeping more secrets in order for them to still see their AP.

So they say "we just talked", "Ok, there was kissing”, “Ok. There was kissing and groping." And eventually it comes to we had sex once...then twice and so on. Lie after lie after lie.

It is perceived as damage control. What it really is...is destruction. Trickle Truthing can be the final nail in the coffin for a marriage that has been bludgeoned by infidelity.

It is instinctive to some to do this, but it was these instincts that lead some Waywards down the path of betrayal. It would be wise not to follow those instincts. It would be wise to let all the truth out. Because R is not only about the wayward preserving themselves, it’s about the wayward trying to preserve the marriage and that cannot be done with lies. That can only be done with the TRUTH. Not trickle truth.

(((Thank you to FRM for his wisdom)))

[This message edited by HUFI-PUFI at 9:35 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]

So, what is TT and why does it kill marriages. Well, Trickle Truthing is the continuing disclosure of lies after D-day. It’s a kind of slow-motion confession. Trickle-truthing means revealing facts in tiny doses, hedging every admission, divulging only as much as absolutely necessary per confrontation.

It has the effect of making the person being TT'ed feel slightly insane due to the constant discovery of more lies, more deceit and more betrayal. It some respects, it’s the cruellest part of infidelity because the “continuing deceit” keeps projecting the hurt and pain of d-day back onto their spouse day by day, again! TT is not just a matter of “forgetting the details” but rather it comes across as the continuing behavior of being selfish and making unilateral decision to hide the truth once more.

I can see a lot of newbie’s wondering, so what? what’s the big deal about another lie? After all, didn’t I just get busted for an affair?

Well, speaking for the BS community, the truth is that more marriages fail due to the presence of TT than they do over the affair itself. You see, the initial betrayal of the affair is hurtful but it’s the continuing betrayal of trust that kills off second chances. The continuing lies are not just one nail in the coffin; it’s the whole damn box of nails hammering the lid down tight.

authenticnow - I regret so much that I TTd. My BH got more and more broken each time I did it.

The reality is that TT occurs for a variety of reasons. I know that. I’ve rationalized it in my head too. We’re protecting them from more hurt. We’re protecting ourselves from consequences. We’re feeling ashamed and guilt and we don’t want to confess and face the monster anymore. We want to forget and move on. But regardless of our intentions and our motives, the ugly truth is that the price we pay for this TT is the continuing destruction of our honour, our integrity and our own self-worth. How can it be otherwise? We’ve build a house of lies and deceit and now, we have no choice but to keep building on it. We make up lies to cover up lies. We get so good at lying at times that we forget what he real truth is at times.

Lost68 - full disclosure is also very relevant in personal recovery of the wayward. Secrets, especially ugly secrets about ourselves, poison you. Disclosure forces you to face the music.

Well, we might be able to live with our lies and deceit but for our BS’s it wholly different. They simply can\t take the continuing lies. It’s like being in a fight and after the first round house punch in the face, we follow up with body shots. Today we hit, tomorrow we don’t and then once more we sneak in more lies and poof, it’s like the whole healing process was ripped away. The analogy that makes the most sense is one of ripping scabs off a wound. Each time that a bit of healing takes place but then another lie is discovered, it’s the same as ripping the healing scab off a wound. It leaves the wound fresh and open and hurting once more.

Unknown - If you trickle truth him, as it is known, it is like opening the wound brand new every time he learns a little more truth... This WILL prevent him from healing and will likely make him hate you.

The best way to counteract the damages of TT is honesty, transparency and a time line. Once the evidence is out there for the spouse to see (emails, chats, texting messages) then their ability to be able to read and verify the truth of your statements tends to make lying totally pointless. There is no use in lying if the truth is written down in the texts or letters. Might as well be honest.

Jagneer - I now know that weather she wanted to know or not, it was her right to know everything and should not have had to drag it out of me.

Transparency gives the BS some reassurance with regard to verification. Verification allows for trust to start rebuilding. Time lines also tend to create an atmosphere of truth and honesty. When you start to fill in the details, that lie that you want to protect becomes just another point on the timeline. You can start to see trends in your behaviours. You can face up to reality much easier when it’s facing you in black and white, written down. And once you face the truth, the easier it becomes to keep doing that. Keep being honest and to put all the facts out in the open in one fell swoop as compared to dragging them out, day by day.

I admit to having trickle truthed myself. I was a scared and fearful WS in the early days of the affair but LF had all the truth she needed to see in my email history. I wasn’t lying to hide the truth from coming out, I was lying to minimize my own weakness and failures. I was lucky to have been given some great advice in my early days here and between LF and those SI memebers, I adopted truth as the way out of the black pit that I had dug for myself. Truthfulness means not having to remember what lie you told to cover up the other lie that you told. The truth will set you free.

HUFI

alexa071- For the BS, the truth hurts unimaginably but it's nowhere near the pain of the continuing lies. The truth is what has happened and cannot be changed. The lies are more pain you choose to inflict by withholding the truth.

"I can see a lot of newbie's wondering, so what? what's the big deal about another lie?  After all, didn't I just get busted for an affair?"

I don't see any newbies wondering this.  I see many reeling with the aftermath of d day and the unbelievable pain their BS is in.  The fear...the fear...the fear and above all the complete lack of control of any aspect of their life in a split second.  That's what affairs are all about from start to finish...control.

Control of information, facts, persona, choices of others as well as their reality.

We control who we are to the OP.  The BS often knows us sometimes better than we know ourselves so some affairs often offer a chance to reinvent with a blank canvas and enjoy a completely different painting.

We control what we tell our BS.  Where we are, who we're with, who we're talking to, what we're talking about.

We control our BS's entire reality and we control our entire fantasy which becomes our reality.

I really don't believe it's trickle truth and never have.  To me it's about slowly relinquishing control and it's cruel and destructive.  You piece out what you feel will be less harmful, less damaging, less destructive, mainly to you.  It's not misguided concern about hurting your BS and you can see them disappear right before your eyes each and everytime you do it.  But you are still in control and that is the most important thing for you right now.  It may be the first time in your life that you feel you've ever actually been in control and it's terrifying to give that up.  You're actually not though, as when you control another's reality you are creating an entirely artificial world.  You really have no power at all as it's based on lies and manipulation.

There is nothing about this process that even remotely resembles the truth.  It's just about continuing the exact same affair behavior only modified.  I'm still telling you what your reality is.  I'm still ensuring my best outcome in this complete shit storm.  I'm still in control.

When that control is completely relinquished.  When that fear is conquered and dealt with.  When the main topic for your post isn't "how do I save my marriage and keep my BS?" and becomes "how do I start to live an authentic, transparent, genuine life?" then the truth can be real.  Then you can actually have control for the very first time as you learn to control yourself and who and what you are.

Telling someone something yet holding key elements back isn't truth of any kind...trickle or otherwise.  It's a lie.  You're living a lie.  Your BS is living a lie.  You are still having an affair.

I know that this isn't how many other far wiser posters on this site may see it, but that's how it's always seemed to me.  Stop controling another's life.  Let them make their own choices.  Take control of your own life and let them have control of theirs. Give them what they need to do that.

What really upset me was I thought my WW understood all of this. I thought I had explained it to her. I would even read posts from SI to her at night about others getting TT months out and how devastating it must be for them and she agreed. Her sister was a WW too and wanting to R. After she found out about us (attemting R) she was over asking us and getting advise on how to R with her XBS. We both profusely explained to her NO MORE LIES the Truth only. Only a week later I contacted the OM, he threw her under the bus. He told me a few things I didn't know. I asked that evening about them (she lied) then got into her laptop and found things she thought she deleted. Not a good night or week for that matter. I thought the TT was over prior to that. I think it is now.

Maybe me having the whole truth in the time frame of 1 month is doing good. IDK, it sure felt like three events of betrayel to me and everytime it hurt more. She had many opportunities to come clean but she refused.

EDIT;

BTW, SIL if you're reading this you need to come clean about everything. Sooner or later you will realize that you are not smarter than the rest of us IRL and on here. The sooner, the better because he WILL find out the whole truth sooner or later.

[This message edited by ConfusedBH at 10:58 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]

I really don't believe it's trickle truth and never have. To me it's about slowly relinquishing control and it's cruel and destructive. You piece out what you feel will be less harmful, less damaging, less destructive, mainly to you. It's not misguided concern about hurting your BS and you can see them disappear right before your eyes each and everytime you do it. But you are still in control and that is the most important thing for you right now. It may be the first time in your life that you feel you've ever actually been in control and it's terrifying to give that up. You're actually not though, as when you control another's reality you are creating an entirely artificial world. You really have no power at all as it's based on lies and manipulation.

There is nothing about this process that even remotely resembles the truth. It's just about continuing the exact same affair behavior only modified. I'm still telling you what your reality is. I'm still ensuring my best outcome in this complete shit storm. I'm still in control.

When that control is completely relinquished. When that fear is conquered and dealt with. When the main topic for your post isn't "how do I save my marriage and keep my BS?" and becomes "how do I start to live an authentic, transparent, genuine life?" then the truth can be real. Then you can actually have control for the very first time as you learn to control yourself and who and what you are.

Telling someone something yet holding key elements back isn't truth of any kind...trickle or otherwise. It's a lie. You're living a lie. Your BS is living a lie. You are still having an affair.

This is exactly the way I feel. UO said it better than I ever could, but I agree that TT is really a form of keeping control and power in a relationship. Not so much about fear of hurting the BS, as so many WS claim, but about making sure you (the WS) still call the shots.

Openness and radical honesty are terrifying, but liberating and completely necessary.

[This message edited by boudicca at 11:00 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]