Husband has had PA 7 yrs. ago
several online sexting, found out 05/29/11
another PA/EA:ended May,2011 found out July10/11
Husband thought we had an "open" marriage.Working on rec
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
I was in some high stress positions, and I am a giver by nature but due to growing up in a family of public service, I did learn there has to be a balance of self, family and world. I had my issues but many from unexpected traumas and some issues with my parents. I had been in some counseling off and on due to my own personality traits as a kid (I was raped at 11) but prior to that I dealt with a lot of people in a lot of different states.
I took care of myself while taking care of my husband. I did have nearly total control over him after our last d-day. This included a suicide attempt on his part. He was released in my care to ensure he continued his medical care and his mental health care. He also assaulter a couple of officers on that day. He was legally released into my custody and I was in charge of making sure he did not leave town or miss any legal appointments.
There was a lot of 'should I' when it happened. I had a handful of things and talked to my clergy, IC and his IC and Psychiatrist before I accepted any of the responsibility. Those are parts people don't see. They don't see the part where he understood that he was back home because I cared for him but in no means was it a statement on where our marriage was. I told him it would take me a while to figure that out (Over 4 months) and that in the mean time I was not expecting to deal with it and I would call to have him removed and placed back in jail if he acted out. That was my right and I was not going to endanger myself or anyone in the house.
It's sometimes really easy to think we know what is good or not. I had a full support team (His MH professionals and mine, my family, and church) to help me out and to help out with him if I needed it. Otherwise I doubt I would have even considered it.
I do think those are great ideas to ponder while in the first stages of figuring things out and why IC is so important to help maintain that we are structuring our mindset for healing and not just for getting by or settling.
"Chaos begins to multiply, exponential memories overide my sympathies."
I was in some high stress positions, and I am a giver by nature but due to growing up in a family of public service, I did learn there has to be a balance of self, family and world.
Many of us are givers and that is how the codependence starts the second part of that sentence is very important. learning the ballance and not giving too much of yourself and loosing your self to a dysfuctional abusive relationship.
I did learn there has to be a balance of self, family and world
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
For years, I've felt like I was the only person putting effort into fixing our marriage. I thought that her mood and lack of enthusiasm for the same thing was what affected me, but after reading the original post here I now realise there's a deeper issue at play. It wasn't my obsession with 'her', it was my obsession with how she was having a negative effect on our 'relationship'. I had been saying to myself that "I don't need her permission to feel happy" but in fact, that wasn't the mantra I needed. The one I needed was to say "I am more important to me than this relationship is to me".
My WW led me to believe she wasn't interested in intimacy with me but was happy with our marriage. I have since caught her red-handed and she is now saying she was not happy with our marriage, and wants to fix her lack of desire for intimacy with me. There's every chance that what she is saying could be true, but there's also every chance that it's not as well. I have to prepare myself for both.
Previously, whenever I considered that this might be a possibility, I felt caught at a crossroads between deciding in my mind I wanted out versus deciding in my mind I wanted in. I have now realised I don't need to do that at all. I have decided not to obsess over our relationship any longer. If she is genuinely interested in me, she will take steps to initiate intimacy. If not, I also know for a fact that she has a sex drive (from what I know she has done recently). If she tries to kid me about that for too long, chances are she will be getting it elsewhere again. She doesn't realise I have the ability to monitor her actions in exactly the same way as I found out before, so I'll know pretty much as soon as she decides to start acting on her urges if it's not with me. If that happens, then I will hopefully be at more of a stage where I don't need the relationship in order to be happy.
From what I have seen so far, she really is trying to turn over a new leaf. She is talking differently to her friends about us. She has told a few that she is trying to fix our marriage. This is reassuring for me.
Maybe it's counter-productive to try 180 and becoming less co-dependent whilst keeping an eye on her private interactions. I might try and cut it back over time. Right now, however, when I have next to no trust and am uncertain about whether she is fully behind this new future, it's the only way I have of really understanding whether she cares or not.
[This message edited by gitch at 4:40 AM, August 7th (Tuesday)]
Favourite Quote through all this: I never knew how strong I could be until it was the only choice I had left.
For me, though, I've always felt that both WH and I are equally co-dependent on each other. It wasn't just about one person always taking and the other person always giving. We took turns in this, or in some aspects, WH was the giver, I was the taker, and in other aspects, it was vice versa.
This article sort of summed it up for me http://psychcentral.com/library/id63.html . It said
Co-dependency occurs when two people form a relationship with each other because neither feels that he or she can "stand alone." Neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It is as if two half parts are trying to make a whole. Both partners are seeking to become psychologically complete by binding the other partner to themselves. For example, a female partner may spend most of her attention and time assisting her lover in recovering from drug addiction. She feels a sense of purpose and may appear to be wonderfully self-sacrificing. However, she may also be avoiding her own unhappiness and personal issues -- like her fear of abandonment. Her partner may believe that he can't deal with his addiction without her. He vacillates between feeling grateful for her help and resentful for what he feels is her nagging and smothering behavior. Many co-dependent partners report feeling "let down," "taken advantage of," or "trapped" by their needy partner when they are really "trapped" by their own overwhelming neediness. The addicted partner is also using his complaints about the relationship to avoid dealing with his own neediness and addiction
"neither feels that he or she can "stand alone." Neither person feels capable or self-reliant. It is as if two half parts are trying to make a whole. Both partners are seeking to become psychologically complete by binding the other partner to themselves. <--This.
The irony is that my WH and I sort of joked that we were co-dependents not too long ago. I now think it was a cry for help on both our parts that we were too afraid to admit or act upon... at least not constructively or healthily.
I'm trying to look into counseling options, now. I think before DDay, I kept excusing the need. "We" were still "working", I said. Obviously, I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm afraid to hope one way or the other for our M... but I hope that if nothing else, this is the wake up call for us to figure out our personal issues. My awareness compels me to remind myself that I can't do that for him; I hope he takes the opportunity-- but I know I'm definitely going to try my best to address the issues in myself now.
[This message edited by justjul at 12:59 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)]