Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SoCalBoy (43217)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Codependency in the Marriage: A BSs common mistake
GraceisGood
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will say Dr Phil is right on when he says, you teach ppl how to treat you. I was always the one saying, oh that's ok I don't care, shit on me that's fine, then later saying damn why does everyone shit on me.

BTDT......

My question is this:

How do you figure out how you should be treated? I did not learn this as a kid, no one showed me how to value myself, I do not really know what it looks like, when I do try, I feel selfish, and demanding, I feel bad.

I could go on, but will stop it here, as this is probably a bit of a T/J.

Grace


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3425 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
sadandtrying
♀ Member
Member # 19246
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GraceisGood and anyone else who might be asking her same question....
I hope this is helpful...

I struggle with co-dependent relationships too, and with a deep feeling that I always have to "earn" love and value....by picking up the slack of others....

This summer my son and his fiance are living with us. I do most of the cooking and cleaning for everyone, and sometimes go to bed resenting it.
Long story short, last night at the dinner table I just simply said, I'm going in to take a bath now....I'll be out in time for dessert - which is in the fridge.
And I said it in a genuine, friendly way!

And presto! I got out of the bath and dinner was cleaned up and dessert was on the table!

My usual way would have been to feel "put upon", and also kind of the hero for "doing everything".....and instead of being straight-forward and matter-of-fact about it I would just "wait" and "hope" someone would notice all I was doing and step up to help.
...and the cycle continues.
Last night I changed it up and it worked!
The message was clean and simple - "I'm done with my part of the job here, and now I'm taking some deserved time for myself, and I'll be out for dessert in 20 minutes."

And they stepped up!
I did not feel "selfish, demanding, or bad" and I know they didn't feel I was any of those thing either.
I so hope I can do that again!!


Posts: 1064 | Registered: Apr 2008
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After D-Day and a lot of reading and counseling, I learned a lot about codependency and how I fit the 'bill' to a T in so many ways. I have worked very hard to change that. But every time I think I can safely say I am no longer a codependent, I discover some residual lingering touches of codependency. For example, I am working the Weight Watcher's program online (I pay the fees, I just don't go to meetings due to time constraints, etc.). My H makes wonderful wine. I love wine with many of my meals but it adds so many points to my daily count. My H needs to be praised for his efforts, whether it be his cooking, his wines, etc. I found this new wine made with diabetics in mind that has a fraction of the Weight Watcher point value of regular wine. When I told him I was going to buy this wine for myself from now on, he gets this 'little boy' disappointed look on his face and says, "But I made this and that wine just for you!!" My first reaction was to give in and say I would drink his wine. But within seconds, I changed my mind and said, "No way. I am on a mission to lose weight and feel better and the Weight Watcher's friendly wine is what *I* need. I've spent 30 some years trying to please you by giving up what I want and need and this is one example." No argument from H. He just gave in and didn't pull the sulk act at all. He's learning that I am slowly learning to put myself first and not the relationship. The relationship can come first when he puts as much into it as I am willing to do, if and when he gets healthy!!!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Jiltedwife777
♀ Member
Member # 31221
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As usual....your eloquence is amazing.

I never really considered myself a co-dependant...but I guess I am.


Me - 36, WH - 40
Married 14 years
Kids - 9 yr old b/g twins (son is special needs)
Dday1 - 2/14/2011, Dday2 - 3/23/2011
Trying to R, but struggling with communication

Posts: 496 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: New England
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
september7
♀ Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump.

Great article.


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
Snowy
♂ Member
Member # 14028
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You cannot make the marriage work with someone else whos not.

A lot of what you say is 100% correct.

After D-day I became co-dependent. The reason I became co-dependent was because I was scared of loosing what I had. The life, the kids etc. Most BS are not prepared for the shock of an affair and cling on to everything as a defense mechanism. We start fighting and checking phones etc.

Like so many other BSs though, I reached a point where I realised I was doing all the work in trying to make the marriage work. I can remember this realisation as clear as today.

While we may try and analyse what went wrong and co-dependency is to be avoided, the bottom line is simply is;

You cannot make the marriage work with someone else whos not.

Posts: 149 | Registered: Mar 2007
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post -- and great reminder....(sigh)


Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 perfect boys, 6
D-day - Nov 08
Asked him to move out Jan 09
D Final 12/15/10
ExWH Marries OW 5/13

Posts: 799 | Registered: Dec 2008
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post!

I am just now realizing how codependent I have been in my M. One more thing to work on...


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
collateraldamage
♀ Member
Member # 32546
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! Great article. Reading Codependant no More and attending CODA meetings. One more thing to work on (ugh).


Me:BS (46) Him:WH (46)
Married 20 years/together 26
Two DS 16/14
DD#1 2/1994 (PA) DD#2 1997-2000?? several EA DD#3 2/17/2011 PA 6 months DD#4 7/13/2011 My Space Account (from 20007) looking for casual sex 10/17/2011 DD#1,000,000... new EA

Posts: 187 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: los angeles
purplefinch
♀ Member
Member # 32471
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have just learned my role in this behavior. A lot of what you wrote is so true. Hard to break the cycle but...gotta do what I gotta do. Thanks for sharing.


Married 28 years, together 32; DD age 23
Me BW: 52
XWH: 54, liar
DDay 6/3/2011
skank-a-saurus: 48 yo FORMER friend of 30 years.
status: Divorced January 25, 2012!!

Posts: 674 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Massachusetts
OnceWasEnough
♀ Member
Member # 29991
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a codependent BS, I felt it was a good idea to read through this again.

BUMP!


BW-51, WH-54, M-32yrs, 2 grown DD's, DD#1-OW#1 1988, DD#2,3,4,5,6,7,8-OW#2 9/10, 10/10, 12/11, 8/12, 10/12, 12/12, 2/13 Just too many to matter anymore.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Oregon
2ndbest
♀ Member
Member # 32446
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 10th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the great post. Every new BS ought to read it. My IC is helping me work on this. It's not easy to change my behavior. But you can't do a 180 when you're acting like a doormat.


In limbo
Il ne faut pas toucher aux idoles: la dorure en reste aux mains. - Flaubert



Posts: 145 | Registered: Jun 2011
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 14th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, August 24th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For (((exhaustedmum)))


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just back from MC. Bumping this for myself. Being a brother of a drug addict has its strong points, but the codependency is not one of them.... I need to get back to not sacrificing needlessly for others issues. Codependent no more!! No more neglecting myself for others issues.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH says HE is codependent and that is one of the reasons he can't re-commit to saving our M right now. He's working through those issues so he won't continue that cycle.

I'm really struggling with this because, much like Snowy, I find myself trying to control this fall out and FIX the damn M right NOW. And WH is not on board or with the program, and I'm left fumbling around in the dark trying to fix something that I can't fix alone.

FARK!!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3240 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: ATX
katiej
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bumping this. I needed to read this again!


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
Jayne Doe
♀ Member
Member # 32664
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, September 28th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well - just go ahead and hit me in the head with a 2x4!

Thank you for posting this.
I am bookmarking it and am going to read it every day until it sinks into my co-dependent head.


Everyday is a blank canvas, and only you hold the brush.
30y M traded in for a POM (pathetic Old Maid 46, 2 kids from different dads. never married)
S 11/11, D final 1/14.

Posts: 1454 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Suburbia, Arizona
MtnMama
♀ Member
Member # 33151
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 29th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't know what was wrong with me until my father (who was an alcoholic) got me to going to al anon. Tehn I got into IC along with Aanon meetings. The support that you can get from meetings is wonderful. There are meetings for codependancy both face to face and online.

After all the therapy I received and all the meetings I went to for years I slipped back into some behaviors that are not healthy for me. It's almost like I forgot everything I've learned.

Doing a modified 180 and taking care of me again. It's hard since I've been focusing on WH so long.


Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 152
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8

Return to Forum: Just Found Out Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.