That I will adore him again, or at least love him in some way other than a just a relative.
We have MC tonight and I dont want to go I realy dont know why, I felt the same last week but H feels like thing are progressing Or it is helpful. Seems like we are beating a dead horse so to speak. I cant get past the A and he wants to move on.
R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know
This is not the end, this is not the beginning
It is a long journey.
I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for over 4 and 1/2 yrs.
I think that the main reason that I have been able to R is because my husband got some good advice early on in the process.
Immediately after d-day he went NC with the MOW and he got sober and started attending AA and he went to IC.
He went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs. At first he went 2x per week (for 6 months) then later 1x per week. So, it was intense.
He also went to AA every single day for 90 days and then 3-4x per week for years. He now goes to AA about 1x per week.
His IC was trained in EMDR. I did not realize the significance of that until later in our healing process.
But,that meant that the IC understood PTSD and recovering from trauma.
Now looking back I remember a number of times when I would trigger and get very angry with my husband or extremely emotional, grief stricken, you name it....my husband would remain calm and say something about how he knew that I was traumatized by all of this.
My guess is that he would go to the IC and describe my meltdowns and the IC would explain to him that I was experiencing PTSD symptoms.
So... in addition to being extremely remorseful and loving and thoughtful post d-day...my husband did not throw in the towel.
He didn't give up trying to save the marriage no matter how extreme my meltdown.
He didn't always say the right thing or answer all my questions in the middle of a triggering moment but... he would always come back a few minutes later or the next morning after allowing me to get things out of system and continue to express his love for me.
My husband's continued actions have made it easier to love him again.
Its kind of like that 'love tank' image.
My husband had totally emptied mine...and in fact punctured a hole in it and it was leaking after d-day.
I kicked him out of the house, changed the locks and filed for divorce.
Instead of giving up he kept coming back every day with notes, letters, phone messages, emails, etc. pleading for another chance and expressing his undying love for me.
So...slowly he fixed the leak and started to re-fill that 'love tank'.
Flowers, gifts, vacations, hugs,kisses,attention,time together,dates, compliments...he won me back.
I still have my triggers and in a flash my mind begins spiraling into a dark thought but now I do not share these moments with him and before you know it he has done or said something extremely kind and loving and it causes me to pause and push the negative thought out of my mind and try to re-focus on today and what we have now.
the only person that can tell what your dealbreakers are is YOU....
the important things to know i would think is that reconcilliation is possible, and not just reconcilliation having a marriage that just is, but is happy....sure it will never be what it should have been but that does not mean it cannot be happy, just different...
and i am glad you stopped just lurking and dropped in for a visit...do it often...
hi jollum, good of you drop in...
ok, short on time...so i will try to be brief...so not easy for me...
allgood: you sound almost robotic to me...like youre goin through the motions...you are safe here, so let it loose if it is there lurking beneath the surface...and i also understand that fear of finally letting it go and not being able to stop it...but you will be able to stop it because you love your kids that much ...
i love what you told them, i love that you are reaching out to find out what you can...you are a wonderful mom.....
strong: you never told us..what happened when you saw your dd for the first time after her learning it all...??? inquiring minds want to know..
nell: how is boyo's fever?
honest: hope the wine was good...its nice to see you let loose...and just letting go of whatever is on your mind...do it more often..
laura: i am a no on the medical problem...google it and research it on the internet...the amount of info that is out there is mind boggling..
m3: where are you standing these days...i noticed you have done lots of yo yoing...its so hard when you know what you have to do but you cant, or you know what you should do and you cant....or the worst one...you know its right there for the taking, but its not you that has to do the reaching....it sucks when we cannot control our lives....letting go is so damned hard...
miracle house update:
ok...the head count is up to 97....
one of the additions is the mom who just lost her daughter....her son invited her so she wouldnt have to be alone...this makes me happy that he feels comfy enough to do that, and this makes me that he feels comfy enough to do that..
but at least he told me..
97 people....pray for good weather...
i will be very sporadic here...depending on what i got done or what i still have yet to do...
Miracle- I sound robotic? Lol. I think that you have just gotten used to me being in a highly agitated state so when I finally stop dropping F-bombs you construte that as robotic.
I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know the kids have not really grasped the extent of this yet. Everyone is still here, but living separately - I'm at work, he's home. As soon as I get home, he leaves. This is the way it's been throughout our marriage.
It's when they actually see the changes that this will intensify again. So I'm enjoying the calm before the storm.
I've also been dreading telling them this for so long, it's just a huge weight off my shoulders to have it done with.
That my stbx has allowed it to reach this point has effectively killed what little affection I had left for him. I knew it would.
I nonetheless went over some things with him this morning because I still cannot wrap my head around his thinking. Shouldn't have went there. But, this time, it wasn't any kind of emotional, desperate please let's work this out, it was just that I cannot literally wrap my head around all of the inconsitent things he says. It was just more & more nonsense which just once again confirmed that this man is just so far off the mark that I cannot wait around hoping he fixes himself while life passes me by.
But, I acknowledgd my mistake in opening up the can of worms & ended it fairly quickly & without any drama.
(Miracle - at one point, I did think to myself "Step away from the WS" Lol)
Anyhoo. I'm fine.
I'm certainly better than the person who's entertaing 97 people at her home!!!!
and i totally understand the waiting for that damned shoe to drop....its too bad it cant be arranged to drop where it might actually do some good, like on someones head or between the legs..
yes some call me crazy...last year this party was about 75 people....and i have to say i have a lot of help...i have really good people who do the cooking, i have parent/freinds who help me keep eyes on the kids doings...and i have to say that after d-day pfm became a worker too...instead of half worker half guest...he would always work to get the party started and then join the party and then at the end he would work to get it all cleaned up while i ran to get bandaids, ice, more drinks, more burgers, more anything...there is always someone wanting something...i think that is actually the worst part, the constant running for people who either forgot something, or to the basement fridge to replenish shit...but it is getting better...
and i have to say all the teens...they are amazing kids..my biggest problem was a couple of the boys getting slightly too rough...and i nipped that 1 2 3....me strict mom even in parties...but i need to keep order...and the kids know my number one rule is to have FUN...safe fun!!!...ok rambled on....need to shut that up and...
i got so perturdbed earlier tonite over something small...right after d-day i went ballistic with all the wedding shit...including a small picture of him on our wedding day that i kept on my jewelry chest on top of my dresser next to my bigger picture...anyways...i threw it in his famous closet and told him i never wanted to see that among the other shit...its one thing if i have to go into his closet for the iron board or something to see it..cause it feels like its his space...but the rest of the bedroom is MY SPACE...anyways he took that little picture out and displayed it on the end table that would be his side of the bed that is no longer his...well i saw it tonite while i was cleaning some shit and it sent me into a fury...imagine that little piece of shit sending me into a fury...
it just felt like it does not fucking matter how much i tell him to repsect the fact that i am ALLOWING him to stay in this house, and stay in the bedroom (not in the bed) fucking respect my room....i feel like he is the rude guest....getting closer to asking him to move into a different room...which means telling my boys....
little shits should not get to me...this is my fault...i need to find some kind of control....
ok...got it out of my system for now...hopefully its not out when i go up later...or i may not be responsible..
Am I in the TWILIGHT zone? Approaching DDay and I swear I am feeling those same anxious feelings?!? Could it be possible that the stress of the time causes me to be anxious and therefore him distant? Or is it possible he is at it again?
My triggers? Him acting loving to the kids and distant toward me. Me telling him that I wanted some time together alone this weekend and him ignoring it. Him traveling to a town close to OW family's hometown in a week. He says this isn't working, he still loves me but he can't fix me. He's tired of the guilt.
My head screams detach, detach. But, it's just like last year when I would calm down but then the thumping in my stomach would start again. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I hate this.
you are not in the twilight zone, you are in the aftermath of infidelity zone...and i am so so sorry for your pain....
i went back and skimmed your posts here in lta....and i totally get why you identify with allgood...you certainly both have very similar sich's...
the only way to the other side is to go through it...
blueroses: check in with us hon, last you posted you were goin for a biopsy...
Once those kiddos are all graduated you'll be running a Fortune 500 company!
I'm just taking it one step at a time. Sticking to what I know I need to do and seeing what happens from there.
Had a full physical. checked in with the pdoc -- I'm sane and healthy, so there you go. Huge battle won right there.
m3: sane and healthy high-five! Woo hoo!
You really should look into event planning. The idea of having 100 people in my home gives me the shakes.
I don't like any of the triggers you listed. Are you sure they are not red flags, instead of triggers? I never suggest this, but are you tracking WH's actions right now? VAR, keystroke tracking, GPS, that sort of thing?
I acknowledgd my mistake in opening up the can of worms & ended it fairly quickly & without any drama.
I wonder if I did a disservice to WH by choosing to try R immediately (more for the Boyos' sake than mine, honestly... didn't want to confuse and hurt them any more than WH had already done) instead of doing what you did and kicking him out and filing for D. WH is such a reactor to external stimuli... I don't know. It is what it is, right?
Huh, look at me, trying to take the blame for WH's lack of remorse and making amends so that I can feel like I have some sort of control over him. Okay, noticed that. Good girl, Nell. Now to let it go.
tryn and njgal are really good mentors for post-LTA Ms. Some of us are better for commisserating.
grrrrrrrrrr to your WH. I hope you find a decent job soon, to give yourself the power and the confidence to stop letting your WH niggle in your mental health.
Today is WH's birthday. Earlier this week, I went into our cell phone plan and reblocked OW's phone numbers (we have to renew the block regularly, and WH never did it). Last year, OW called WH the day before his birthday, of course, and I wanted to make sure she knew that she's not welcome. Not to say that she couldn't go buy a new phone or stop by a gas station and call from a pay phone... both of which was part of their A in the past... not desperate and pathetic at all. But I'm hoping if she fishes, the blocked numbers will serve as a notice that she's not welcome and she'll just give up. Anyhoo... that's more than I meant to say about that.
So today is WH's birthday and he decided he wanted to spend the weekend with his parents, so we're heading out right after I get home from work. My allergies are affecting my sinuses and (menz, stop reading right now) my period started yesterday, so I can plead "not feeling well" if people annoy me. That was a silver lining, in case you missed it.
I got WH a card for a one-year-old child and added a 4 in front of each 1. Then mentioned that I couldn't find any super cutesy cards for adults, so I improvised. I wrote it, then thought that it might sound snarky, but it also made me so I left it.
So. I may be back in time to wish everyone a happy 4th, but just in case...
Happy 4th of July, tribe!
Allgood, Honest, Ats, Strongish..hang in there...
Miracle- focus on your wonderful big party filled with family and friends.
To the newbies-keep reading and breathing and taking care of yourselves.
Dip, Deep, Laura, Ukgirl, FNF, Lost...hope all is well.
Like you, I've been with my stbx since I was a teenager. We've always been together, I've never been alone, I've never dated. (I was friends with him before we started dating as we went to the same school.)
So, part of my hesitation has been the fear of the unknown - am I better off with him or without him?
Of course, the impact this would have upon my kids was another huge layer of hesitation.
I would look at my spouse & I am still attracted to him, both his appearance & his personality, love watching him with the kids, etc., think of all of the good memories & say I still love him, I don't want to let him go. But, I always had that nagging voice inside me saying, this man looks very much like the man you married, but really, he is a stranger.
That was the crux of my issue: who is this man?
The facts: a wayward that can continue a LTA undetected for so long, is an adept liar. That will always send chills down my spine. He does not have the same conscience as we. How could you live a double life for so long & not pull the brakes at some point and say "I must choose".
So, it's hard to believe anything he says/does, unless verified. And, I think trying to catch a spouse with an affair with a coworker is damn near impossible if they go underground.
Anyway, I believe in 2nd chances, but not 7,8,9, etc. chances.
I actually have to cut this short, given the time, but basically, anything short of an ephiphany was not going to allow me to trust again. Meaning, he had to consistently show me/family first. This did not mean kissing my ass 24/7, but simply wanting to spend time with me, like you, I would tell him what I would like/need to help me heal - stupid things, like show me more attention, etc. and then I would have to remind & remind again. He wouldn't take the initiative to plan time with me, despite me saying that would make me feel better.
The WS is a known risk. Like anything else, the past is the best predictor of the future. If he isn't changing, or your relationship isn't changing, I would not be able to sit back & relax and enjoy my life with him.
Gots to go.
am I better off with him or without him?
I think you need some confidence to know that you are a very beautiful woman. I can say that as a cyber-friend to you, but I mean it based on the pictures you have shown us. During these past 3 years, I have personally known 4 friends who all had wives caught cheating. All divorced. I am the only one who R’d. All have found new relationships. All say they are as happy as they have ever been in life. All have said falling in love is fantastic. I think you are in for some exciting times.
I think after all the D and settlement, you can make a decision to forgive your H. You can do those things I have said and You will feel better.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:48 AM, July 1st (Friday)]
Unfortunately, the Ms. Allgood time is going to be pretty restricted, at least as far as the next 6 months go, as far as I can tell. Stbx typically works weekends and leaves for work at 5:30am,so the overnight visits are going to be few & far between. But, I will be sure to grab some chunks of time here & there.
Tonight I planned a night out with some girls I know through my kids. I have never socialized with them outside our sons' team events, but I've always enjoyed their company. 3 of them are divorced, 1 is happily married. We are all driving together to the location, makes me laugh as I think about me going out with my girlfriends when we were younger, how the drive there & back sometimes would be the best part - lots of laughs.
Anyway, on my "short list" is making new friends, friends that are available to do things with.
Also, planning on switching my runs to a more public place, like the park.
I have to create my own opportunities, right?
Hey Allgood... I am still attracted to my high school sweetheart. It does not mean I choose to love her. I don't talk to her or do anything loving to her in any way. You have feelings of attraction and no doubt more because of the friendship you have built with your H. I would imagine you will have these attractions for the rest of your life. But that is what they are, feelings. Love is different.
This is so true. My XH was my HS sweetheart. We were together a total of 8 years. Within 2 weeks of me moving out and us announcing our breakup SEVENTEEN men asked me out! Yes, that's more than one per day. You will be better than ok. You will thrive now. Have faith in your own instincts.
Within 2 weeks of me moving out and us announcing our breakup SEVENTEEN men asked me out!
What the Hell were you wearing!?!
Nah, I'm just like that. I'm not sure what it is -- because if you look at a picture of me I think you'd say I'm OK -- or even plain. Not ugly, not gorgeous. But men are just magnetized by me. I go to get my car inspected and by the time I've waited the 20 minutes hanging out with the gas station attendant -- he runs up to the car while I'm gassing it up with a gift -- just a little air freshener -- but so sweetly says that I have a great personality (WH uses this phrase to mean "big boobs") and that he hasn't enjoyed talking to someone in so long... or I'm having a conversation with one of my WH's friends and he suddenly stops mid sentence and says "you know, you have the most amazingly green eyes I've ever seen..." and then sort of shakes himself like he's been in a trance ... or children too ... one comes up to me in the grocery store and gives me his sticker and a hug (not a child I know) ... my kid's classmates all gather around me jumping up and down and clamoring for attention when I pick them up from school ... J, my old nanny, charges me 2/3 of her normal rate for twice as many kids as anyone else she watches when she babysits because she could never ask me to pay more since we're friends ... People strike up conversations with me everywhere I go, offer me their seats on the metro ...
I have no idea. I guess if you try to love and care for and believe the best about the people around you, it shows. You get preyed on sometimes (as we can see) but in general it works out.
In fact, the biggest thing I hate post D-day is myself because I think so badly of WH, and it's well deserved, but I just hate being fixated on negative bullshit. It sort of ruins my "me".
But, you know, leather pants.
I would ask you out but I am married. I'm too old for you anyway.
I was told I was sane by a Dr. Everyone who knew me thought I should get a second opinion.
Green eys? Me too.
You need to invite a few more to your party. Try and get over the 100 mark. It just sounds better.
I may not be posting till after the holidays so I hope everyone has a good weekend.
Hugs to the tribe.