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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honey.
((((((((Allgood)))))))))
I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and hoping that the kiddos ask their questions, get their answers and settle into the new reality. When they see that things aren't scary different, they'll be okay.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.
I'm so sorry - biggest hug I can send on the net
((((((((((((Allgood))))))))))
Thinking of you & the kids.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
So sorry that you and the kids have to go through this.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Allgood}}}}}

I am so sorry. This is another road to travel and a hard one. You have to be strong for the kids as much as you can.

I know that whem xWH #1 left and told the kids, everyone kept telling me to be strong for the kids and I kept feeling "what about me???" But for me, it happened all at once.

Please, please, Allgood, dont' try to be super mom. Please come here and vent and share and we'll help you. You have a lot on your plate right now. DO NOT feel guilty!! It is NOT your fault. You have done everything that is humanly possible to fix this M. You cannot do it alone if WH is not doing his share. It is sooo bittersweet that I know, and I think YOU know that he does love you and the kids, but that is not enough to fix this mess. He has to do his share.

We are not teenagers living in a fantasy of love conquers all. Marriage is so much more than that. There is a lot of work involved, a lot of committment to family, etc. It is not a quick fix of instanteous gratification that this world is coming to. Giving kids gold stars in school for doing what is ordinarily expected of them for example. In my day, only those who really really worked for it got a reward, or a gold star, or the honor roll.
There was a kids movie "The Incredibles" where the father makes a comment about glorifying mediocrity and giving medals and award for things that people would just ordinarily expect.

Ok, I'm going off on a tangent here, and yes, please excuse me, I had more than my usual glass of wine

My point is that marriage is more than the chivalrous idea of romance. It is a civil contract. It is not "going steady" with someone and you can "break up with them". It is a partnership in life, besides the love.

It is an attitude toward life too. There are people who take things seriously, like school and their jobs for example. THere are some people who feel a great sense of responsibility to thier jobs and won't take a day off, or kids who think school is important. Marriage is important.

For some reason, I'm beginning to see that a lot of us here, see Marriage as important, not only our WS, but the institution of Marriage. It is sacred and we took those vows very seriously and were not looking for the "way out clause". Our spouses didn't see it like that. We were able to put up boundaries, and that was it. They were unable. The reasons they were unable to, are varied. For example, NJgal's WH was an alcoholic, which IS a disease. That, I feel was the major cause of his problems.He is addressing it with AA meetings, etc. Some have had major childhood traumas, like Ats' wife, or even Tryn's wife. Some, like Dip's wife have some kind of personality disorder like BPD.

We love these people who have hurt us sooo badly. We trusted and gave as much as we could. We believe in the goodness of people and try ourselves to be as good as we can.

The saddest thing, and the hardest thing to accept, that so many of our spouses cannot change, even though they may want us and love us but cannot change. It's like living with a drug addict. If they cannot change, should we stick around no matter what we have tried to do to help them????

Allgood, this is what I see with your WH. I really, truly believe that he loves you and the kids, but he cannot or is not ready to change himself. It is soooo sad. I always saw him a lot my first xWH, a basically good man who has a lot of problems that he cannot or is not willing to fix.

As for me, a product of a sober alcoholic father who was made a Master Sargeant in the Korean War at the age of 22 because everyone else in the company was killed all around him. His father died while he was in Korea.... he had an abusive childhood with foster parents because of the depression and his mother had TB and was sent away..... I understood all these things intellectually, I thought I accepted why he was unreliable, etc, but emotionally, I really did not come to full terms with it. My mother was BPD, so I had a great mix. Look, I know that there are people who had it worse than me, but I couldn't deal with what I had. I thought I was dealing. LOL, I really did. But xWH number one and current WH really, really opened the wound deeply.

and WH keeps opening that wound.
again
and again
and again

and I keep feeling I deserve it for some reason, like the abused woman feels she somehow deserves the abuse.

It's sick, I know.

Sorry for the ramble. I was going to erase all this feeling that it should really be just journalled, but I thought that there were others that spilled out their thoughts and feelings, like Ats, and it helped me reading it, so I hope that this could help someone too. Plus, I had one too many glasses of wine!!!!


I love you all!!!



Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Allgood}}}} I'm so, so sorry that you and your precious children have had to deal with this pain. My heart goes out to all of you.

Honest - Wine or no wine you always have such a good way of putting things. And considering how tough things have been for you recently, it means a lot that you took the time to lend support here. Thank you.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((allgood)))) Prayin for you and the kids.


Thanks to all for the suggestions. I'm copying them for reference. They are REALLY good.

Strong...it's almost midnight


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks 0115, I've been trying to keep busy. FWH sent me flowers, yellow roses. I have to acknowledge the sincerity of his actions. I think he is truly very, very sorry that he did this.

I'm not normally a sentimental person. I don't keep track of the exact dates that my grandparents died, I'd rather forget my own birthday....just too much fuss, but the significance of today's date hit me harder than I thought it would. Had to take meds this afternoon until it was time to break out the chardonnay. But, it's almost over and another "milestone" in this long, long journey has been reached.

Have a good night all!!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{strongish}}}} I know that you told WH not to contact you today, but the flowers were a nice gesture. I'm feeling that no matter what happens, the two of you are dealing with one another with respect and compassion, and that's a good thing for the future. {{{strongish}}}}

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow...

first off ((((((allgood))))))

i am so sorry....it sucks, it really sucks...we are here for you....anytime, kkk

what exatly did you tell them?...and what did he tell them?


strong: wow, it seems like the day went as well as it could...i am glad he marked it with the yellow roses...it shows something at least...

you sound wonderful...as much as you sound sad, you sound very together and thats important when you feel at times like your world is imploding...but for you it seems like its facing many new beginnings...and how lucky for you that your boss wants you back....


my baby boy turned 16 today....until my dd's bdy in sept its my favorite time of the year for saying my kids ages...16, 17 and 18

oh and one of my dd's friends that was here the other day, the one who had some drama issues...she friended me on fb too....


((((strong))))
((((allgood))))

you both know how to reach me if the need is there...


(((tribe)))

eta: k, remembered honest while in shower...so here i am...

honest, you are doing great....and of course he upped the anti, and be wary because he will keep upping it...he is running scared, he is angry he has lost control.....so be wary of this....kkk

and good for you standing your ground and standing up for yourself...YOU GO GIRL!!!

kkk....now i think i got it...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 12:00 AM, June 30th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Allgood... I thought tonight was the night. As hard as it was, overall, your happiness is most important. When you are happy, your kids will be happy. Today, I love my step parents and enjoy their company every time I visit them. I will do anything for them. My parents are D and both my parents enjoy life and inside, that makes me feel good. As much as all this hurts your kids today, they will grow with you in this journey. They will be happy again. You deserve a partner that will treat you like the strong woman you are not hiding from life. Your kids will understand one day and never be afraid to tell them when they ask. People that are married but live like they are single are not good partners. So you know, I do not think badly about my motherís affair but didnít know until I was over 40. I still care for my mother and enjoy my relationship deeply with both. Your kids will do the same. I am sure there will be set-backs while raising your kids in a single household, but you can do this.

Be kind to yourself. You need to treat yourself. AndÖ make sure you go buy books and read them all about finding a good partner in life. A whole lotta psycho out there and weight through each question wisely. Just think, you get to experience one of the greatest feelings in the world again, falling in love.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:00 AM, June 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Only got a minute and most of you (except TRYN!!!) are in bed. I'm going soon with FWH

Allgood.

Have been thinking of you and your kids all day. Tears kept welling. Stay strong honey. You can do this. Life can only get better.

Strong

FWH sent me flowers, yellow roses. I have to acknowledge the sincerity of his actions. I think he is truly very, very sorry that he did this.

So happy for you honey. these things mean so much.

Gotta go

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish: I completely forgot the significance of yesterday's date for you. The flowers were a nice gesture. You sound ok. How ARE you doing?

As for me:

Miracle - what I told them basically was that we had been having problems for a long time, over a year & that at this point we don't think that we are going to be able to fix them & that's why we felt the need to let the kids know, so they can start getting used to the idea that at some point during the summer we may not all be living together. Stbx made it clear that if anyone was to leave, it would be him. TOld them we loved them, that relationships like this between adults are different than a parent/child relationship & we will always love them, that can never change. That we would make sure they saw both of us every day, we would both be at all of their sporting events, school events, birthday parties, etc. Told them that none of this is their fault, even tho they may have seen us fight about them. Told them we thought it would be a good idea if we spent less time together for now while we sort things out. This last point did not go over very well as there are a number of upcoming events on my stbx's side that the kids want me to attend. I will considerng going to the one this weekend, at least for a few hours.
No one had any questions. No one asked why.
They had their cousins come over yesterday & sleep over which provided for some welcome relief to them.
7 year old never broke down & while a smart boy, does not appear to get it yet.

I get the feeling that all of them know that divorce is bad, but not exactly sure why. (Btw - none of them had any idea there were any problems between stbx & myself).
It seems to me that the primary problems for them are that we will not all beg together (which is not as frequent as other families, but still..) & that Dad will be moving out. I've already decided that I will take the kids away whenever it is that stbx moves out.

So, I am going to reach out to a colleague of mine today who has in the past mentioned that she has the best parenting relationship with her ex. I haven't seen her in over a year, so I had no reason to prod for further details at the time, but I'm going to contact her today & ask her exactly what she has done.

I have to say that despite my children's reactions (which I fully realize will be ongoing), at no point did I feel panic that I had made a mistake, no feeling of regret for having decided to tell the kids this.
I did not have any feelings for my stbx at all. Didn't even look at him.

So, there it is for now.

Honest: Thank you for your thoughts & concern. I agree with you, I take the institution of marriage very seriously. Pretty funny given my occupation. Also, something I never really thought about until it came down to telling the kids & I had to seriously question if what I was feeling & what I wanted was enough to actually end a marriage. And, I am not religious, AT ALL.
A few months prior to DDay, I came to realize & was shocked to see that stbx didn't share my opinion when commenting on a family member's marriage. His opinion at the time was one of everyone has a right to be happy.

Got to go.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:45 AM, June 30th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish,
I'm glad yesterday is done for you. Everyone is right; you sound so strong. Good for you! I'm impressed with the yellow roses, as much by the gesture being all his doing as by the gesture itself.

Allgood,
It sounds like everything went as well as possible. You know, when I kicked WH out for an unspecified amount of time, he left after the Boyos were in bed. The next day, they didn't notice that he was gone until I mentioned it at 3 p.m. because it was a normal day for them. At 3 p.m. WH came over and we told the Boyos what was up, in much the way you did. Boyo1, 7 years old at the time, was very resistant to the idea that WH was going to not be in the house, but the next day, again, it was just a normal day and they didn't seem to notice anything amiss. I think that sense of normalcy helps everyone settle in. (Not to mention the fact that WH had been MIA in our family for well over a year at that point, so it truly was normal for them not to interact with him for days. Sad but helpful in a weird way.)

Honest,
You may not feel it right now, but you sound really healthy. I'm so sorry for all you have gone through. Please don't feel that because your history isn't "as bad" as someone else's that you don't have the right to be hurt by what you have had to deal with.

Uh-oh, Boyo2 is up. Must run. Love to all.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

was a fizzer.

I have had some health problems reappear which my doc thinks may be related to his "philandering" in her words.

I have interstitial cystitis which makes very uncomfortable at times. I'm not a happy lady tonight. Unfortunately incurable.

Hmmm, Not fun,

Any other ladies have this???

HUGS to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:15 AM, June 30th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - As difficult as it was, it sounds to me like you did a beautiful job of presenting the situation to your kids. And I like that they had a sleepover last night....normal stuff for kids and keeps them from dwelling on their sadness. You also mentioned taking the kids away when Mr. Allgood moves out.....IMHO that is a must. A long, long time ago my younger sister and I helped my Dad move out of our family home when my parents S/D. I was in college and it was still very traumatic. Don't let your kids see the bags being packed, etc. In fact, just last week as FWH was moving out, he made a point of trying not to leave huge, gaping holes in the closet and in his office space so that it wouldn't be such a shock to me or the kids that he had moved out. I think you're on the right track. And best of all, despite all the sadness you know in your heart that you're doing the right thing. I admire your strength and as they grow up, your kids will also learn how you've dealth with this lousy hand with grace and a level head. {{{Allgood}}}

Phew....I'm glad yesterday is done and today is a new day. It's time for me and DD to start making some sense of her room so that we can find a place for the skads of stuff she brought home from school. It looks like she will be home for 2-3 months before she has to report to her first duty station. Yay!!

Thinking of all of you today...have a good one!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{allgood}}}
{{{strongish}}}

Wish I had words of wisdom but I don't. Just feel for both of you.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{allgood}}}}

I agree 100% with what the others are saying. Try to keep things as "normal" as possible. Strongish has a very good point. Don't let the kids see WH packing bags and leaving with them. It makes it more final and hurts. WH may have to make several trips on different occasions to remove his things.

There are a few suggestions I can make. xWH number one and I did a fairly decent job coparenting.
1. DO not put the other spouse down to the kids. EVER
2. Kids may ask for permission from one parent when the other parent says no. Telling the kids that you are both their parents and will back each other up always. Make sure stbxh knows this.
3. For several years, in the beginning, xWH and I bought presents for the kids for birthdays and Christmas that said from the both of us. For example I would ask what they wanted, tell xWH and we would pay for it together. This way we avoided being in "competition" with each other in who bought the best presents, and showed to the kids that we are still their parents.
We did this for quite a few years until the kids were older.

Hope this helps.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood -- you are awesome. Good for you!

You've gotten a lot of good advice -- but I'll chime in with one more thing.

Hug them a lot. Like ten times more than you usually do. Make popcorn and cuddle them watching a movie. But, really, hug them. It will help.

Strong -- you are one tough cookie. Good for you!

Honest -- he is abusing you. You don't deserve it.

Miracle -- I don't know how you did it! So close together...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone

I have been lurking for awhile now.

Reading looking for strength and understanding of this whole mess.

If you look at my profile you will see that my H had a LTA with two women. I have not updated my story yet. I have yet to get any info from WH regarding the actual timeline or details.

You are all truly such amazing strong people. It has been a little over a year since Dday and I am starting to think that I cant do this. Some of you are a few years past Dday and still struggle. Such a long journey I dont think I have this in me.

I just read this post in general by m334455. It is the way I feel.

FWIW, my love for my WH has been dying a slow death since Dday. It fades into something else when it's a dealbreaker. He kind of feels more like a relative to me now. When someone treats you in a way that is unacceptable to you, it causes a lot of damage.

Are you saying that feeling like this toward H is a sign that the A was/is a dealbreaker or just another part of the journey?

My WH is remorseful and doing everything he can IC, MC, transparent the whole thing (except answering details about the A.) but it never seems to be enough. Part of the problem I know is me I have lost the connection I had for him. I hide alot of my pain from him. Just Monday was the first time I allowed him to see me cry (that all out lost it snot running down my face)thank god the lights were out I was a hot mess (as my kids say)

I have tried to catch up the best I can. But I can not tell if anyone is in true R with there WS after a LTA.

Will I start to feel love for my H again. Will I ever be able to let him in?

Thanks for listening

Danni

((allgood)) your strength is amazing.


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read this post in general by m334455. It is the way I feel.

FWIW, my love for my WH has been dying a slow death since Dday. It fades into something else when it's a dealbreaker. He kind of feels more like a relative to me now. When someone treats you in a way that is unacceptable to you, it causes a lot of damage.

Are you saying that feeling like this toward H is a sign that the A was/is a dealbreaker or just another part of the journey?

Don't know. It is what it is. I wish I had a better answer. I've learned not to read too much into feelings. I adored my WH and he had a whole shadow marriage going on, so what do I know?

There are several people here in true R. They still have hard days, several years later. I'm sure they'll chime in soon.

Welcome. What can we do for you?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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