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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood --

M3: Thank you for your concise reality check.

I hated to do it. But facts are facts.

miracle --

Thanks for the questions.
As for love between two adults -- my XH and I had this at one time. It's a whole lot different than what's going on in this M.

As for the rest of the questions -- I'm going to my IC (the psychiatrist one) today so thanks -- I'll think about those things.

As for tryn's story -- I always feel very sorry for people who do that. I know how ill I was when I just even had fleeting thoughts like that -- I can't imagine the horror of being even sicker than I was. God help that man.

Nell -- love your story. I totally would have left my WH at the emergency station -- but mine has done stuff like that one too many times.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am planning to make notes on EVERYTHING in Boyo2's world for the next month or so... diet, activities, weather, daily temp... I told WH my plan early this morning and he second-guessed me (well, maybe just document when he has the fevers, etc.). To which I "mm-hmm"ed and walked away. I was just filling him in, not asking for his opinion. Status quo is not working and I do not want to miss something just because someone didn't bother to ask about some random piece of weird yet essential information.

So there you go. Nell has a plan.

In the WH-goes-to-the-first-aid-station story, I forgot to mention the fact that as we were walking back up to our spots, I told WH that maybe he does have ADHD, because normal adults don't pop a pill just because they saw someone else take one. Maybe his problem really is that his frontal lobe does not function normally and he needs to be on medication. Maybe this, maybe that. If... then...
Gah.

m3,

As for love between two adults -- my XH and I had this at one time.

Well... or at least adult (mature) love running in one direction. Maybe. Or maybe not. I have no idea.

tryn,
Glad to see you back!

Allgood,
I, too, like your plan. You are doing your best to make this as low-key as possible for your kids, and I think that (or hope that) your WH will take your lead, at least as long as you're standing in front of him. He certainly hasn't given any indication that he will take any time to think through a different approach, anyway. (Not that he won't seat-of-his-pants it at the last minute, but...)

honest, strongish, everyone else who posted on the last page and I didn't take notes and my short-term memory sucks... hello!

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 10:37 AM, June 28th (Tuesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah... well, good point Nell. Let's say mature for 23. Ha.

Yeah, Nell the random pill popping was dumb.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jusy popping in quick, I have no time now. Tryng, what a horrible thing to witness!! I am glad the man made it.

Love to all and I'm praying for those who are hurting.

I'm just surviving by the seat of my pants lately.

<sigh>


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no time now either. Busier than a cat covering up shit! I am thinking about everybody. Hang in there.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading and getting to know everyone.

Just a quick update...
It's been almost 6 months since 1st D day. I've endured TT all along the way and the 2 friends and IC believed him every time I had a feeling something didn't add up. Well, perseverance paid off! I feel like I have a clear enough picture of what the past 12 years really were. Who, where, what, how, not really why, but enough. Phase 1 (Discovery) I think is 95% done. I'm sure more will leak out over time but nothing earthshaking (I hope).

Phase 2 = ME

I'm healing ME. I'm taking at least the next 6 months and not looking sideways.
I'm going to watch him work on the why and see who he'll become. He is in IC, he's remorseful, he's NC and he wants R, but I don't think he sees how ugly it was and what it did to our family. I'm done explaining...I'll let him figure it out on his own.

So my question to you is...where am I off on this line of thinking and how did you HEAL yourselves. What helped take the focus off of the A and get it back on life?
Thanks!


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115...what a good question...a million dollar one i believe...

how do we heal ourselves...

well i believe we do it in stages...

stage 1...survival....in the first months its all about survival and making sure you dont end up in a hospital or dead....

so that would mean, eating, drinking (non alcoholic), exercise....

those are the basic basics...

stage 2 would be the next stage of survival...getting back into real life and being able to function....whether it is at a job or being a parent.....the basic immediate relationships...functioning and being somewhat productive again....

then i think you come to the next stages of healing...

ic...to help you get through it all, great if you do this really really early on after discovery

support groups and/or friends irl...hopefully both...and again as early on as possible...

then those stages are the foundation upon which each individual needs to lay their paths...

for some it would be going to work,

for some it would be changing jobs

for some it would be getting a divorce

for some it would be moving into a new home

for some it would be going back to school

for some it would be fixing your body

the list is endless...this is where its highly personalized....

but the biggest and bestest thing you could do it keep at it, all of it...being as proactive as you possibly can...reading as much as you can on what either interests you to escape or what will help you understand this whole process and how to deal with all of from every angle...

you do what makes YOU feel better about YOU...and not in the moment kind of better, although those are necessary to...mostly because its like having that little piece of chocolate cake when you have watched what you have eaten all week...that splurge is just it, a splurge designed to make you feel better in the moment...after all life is made up of moments...lots and lots of moments...


and dont worry about getting to know us, if you post here often enough and read often enough it will come to you...although we all run short on memory here too...like we forget to touch on so so many points when we are wrting....and we keep going back to read and read but then we fear losing whatever it is we did get in writing....and then of course we get sidetracked( at lest i do) and then its done...until the memory comes back usually when i am in bed going to sleep or in the shower...never when i am back at the keyboard...although that is false, sometimes it does come back when i am at the keyboard and i will go back to it if i feel it will help...


nell: poppin pills just because someone else is, kind of reminds me of the that saying my mother always through at me..."if everyone were jumpin off a bridge would you follow them doing that too!!!!!"


ok...got a head count for the 4th of july shindig...not too bad...89 people....most of them teens and some kids...

i gots lots to do!!!

(((tribe)))


eta: ok im back already...doin an eta...at least it didnt hit me in the shower or in bed...

tryn welcome home....what an experience...it sounds like your vacation was truly up and down....in extremes....

glad the guy will be ok, would not have been cool if he ended up dead...then you wouldn t know what an idiot he seems to be...flippin people...it does take all kinds in this world of ours...

anyways, welcome home..

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 11:10 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115, I spent the first part of the A exposure trying to get in his head. This behavior would liken itself to beating my head against the wall. Recently, I was enlightened to the behavior of loving myself. I knew it all along but I just realized the way I was behaving would lead to the exact path I was trying to avoid. So....no choice in this.

This path of love sounds amazing and so would I love to achieve it every day....alas, I fail. This weekend wh was @ a conference. I got through it but when he got back and embrassed time with the kids and made golf plans, I felt lonely. When I fianally shared....in a round about dysfunctional way, I let him know the sadness in not being a priority and he acknowledged that he valued the family but discounted time with me. Desired me sexually but not as someone to carve out time with. He says no clue as to why he feels this way. I think with a hard childhood his focus is on children only. This is not my problem. Healing is when I can hear his words, look at his actions and say....not my problem..at least my goal.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awakened -- I get that too. with the time thing. It's hard. You'll figure it out. One way or another. ((awakened))

miracle -- spectacular party! Can I come? (ha!)


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115

Don't know if this will help but it worked for me.

Think of you. What do you want? What would make you feel better about yourself? What can you do to overcome all the negative thoughts?

For me I needed to boost my self esteem. My FWH had had very long LTA's. His first (I think) 16 yrs ago was a PA which became an EA that continued for 16 yrs. That must be some kind of record. Also for 8 yrs (3 EA and 5 PA) with OW2.

I had to recover my self esteem. I felt that I "wasn't good enough" for him. Nuts I know but that's where my head was. So I set about making myself feel good about my appearance. Lost lots of weight, started exercising, updated my hair and makeup. Bought lots of new fashionable clothes. I needed to be able to get admiring glances and compliments. And wow did I. SO many people commented on how great I looked. I also cultivated "looking happy" and that too brought comments.

I told my FWH I was "getting ready to go back on the market" if he cheated again or "it didn't work out with us". I'm not sure how much I meant this but it certainly shook him up.

The other thing I started to do was paln a future without him. Doing all the things I'd always wanted to including moving to another country to live for a year or so. The more I thought about and worked on what I wanted the better I felt. I actually found myself feeling more positive.

Unfortunately I continued to have times when I lost it completely. Either form hurt and/or rage. This is when I decided to do EMDR. Put simply it allows you to erase the emotions from memories, images etc. Sounds weird I know but worked for others on SI too.

So now I felt better about myself and was not overwhelmed by pain and rage.

I'm comfortable and content.

Will I stay with FWH?? I don't know.

Now the question is "Is he good enough for me?". The answer will depend on how he treats me and whether he cheats again. If I'm not happy with him you won't see me for dust!!!!

Hope this may give you some ideas.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my question to you is...where am I off on this line of thinking and how did you HEAL yourselves. What helped take the focus off of the A and get it back on life?

0115 - The fact that you realize the you have to heal yourself is a major step in the right direction. It took me a good long while to stop doing what awakened described as trying to get into my FWH's head. I pushed hard, really hard to MAKE him see what he had done and no matter how hard I pushed it wasn't working. All I did was cause myself more anguish.

As for healing myself....I did some of what Laura describes. The "Infidelity Diet" helped me lose some weight so I bought some new clothes, took lots of others to the tailor so that they would fit. I changed my hairstyle and got new make-up. I recently got some botox injections....I love it! I surrounded myself with people that I knew loved me for me, people that I could lean on and talk to when I was feeling down. I indulged my need to talk about the LTA and my pain with a few friends IRL but mostly here with my LTA family. My posting here has been a huge part of my healing. The support here is unconditional and there is always someone that will "listen."

Probably the most important thing I've done for me is to continue with IC. The first IC/MC that FWH and I were seeing just wasn't helping me much, so after 4+ months I changed to another IC. The new IC was one that supported my visit to Onsite which was pretty much the turning point for me.

As for me, DDay was one year ago today. I have already sent FWH a long e-mail telling him a little of what I'm feeling and also I asked him not to contact me today. I want to get through this day on my own. At 12:01 am on June 30th I hope to feel a sense of accomplishment that I weathered this storm. I can't help but remember the awful pain and hurt from what happened, it is part of my reality, but I WILL get through it, I WILL be happy again.

Oh, one last thing....my old boss called me on Monday morning and pretty much offered me my job back. I left this firm in 2004 and did consulting at home. It's now time for me to get back to working outside the home. I tend to isolate myself so the working at home has not necessarily been helpful for me. The money that I make from returning to work in the office will be significant. It represents independence and my ability to take care of myself.

0115 - I firmly believe that you must slog through the pain and hurt in order to get to the other side. You can't ignore it....it is a part of you now...but you can learn to manage it and use it to make you a stronger person. You're already on that path....I can see it from your posts. Just keep putting one step in front of the other and before you know it you've got a whole day without tears, then two days and so on....

Honest - Are you doing okay?? What's up?

Miracle - A 4th of July party just after hosting the post-prom shindig?? You are on the fast-track for sainthood!

Laura - I love where you are right now.

m3 - How did it go with your IC?

Nell - Love, love, love your plan for Boyo 2.

Allgood - Thinking of you.

Hugs to all!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong

Hi honey

Can't chat

As for me, DDay was one year ago today. I have already sent FWH a long e-mail telling him a little of what I'm feeling and also I asked him not to contact me today. I want to get through this day on my own.

Just wanted to send HUGS

We are all with you today

Love

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:09 AM, June 29th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how did you HEAL yourselves. What helped take the focus off of the A and get it back on life?

0115… I hope you are now ready to start to be happy again. It really took me 2 years. For me let me share a few of my thoughts and choices.

- I made a vow to myself that things outside my control can cause bad things happen to me. I preach that all the time here. I made a vow that I cannot change things already done. I also vow that bad things will happen to me again and I will handle them with dignity, true feelings, and confidence I will be able to make it through.

- It is ok to have feelings of hurt. It is ok to take a walk, a car ride or a run just to let myself hurt.

- I also took the chance, a risk, and I made the choice to forgive. To forgive, you must start with the decision to forgive. Let me share the things you must do for forgive.

You can make your brain do these things…
1) Make the choice to forgive
2) Make the deliberate and irrevocable choice not to tell anyone what they did.
3) Be pleasant to them should you be around them
4) If conversation ensues, say that which would set them free from guilt
5) Let them feel good about themselves
6) Protect them from their greatest fears
7) Keep it up today, tomorrow, this year and next
8) Pray for them

BTW, If I am not desirable, I say I am sorry and move forward to try again.

- I also decided to change myself. I wanted to be a better husband. Through the safe way of communicating I learned in Retrouvaille, I discovered some things about myself and I changed. Over time in all marriages, people just don’t do loving things like when we first marry. I decided to be desirable. I decided to make sure my W knows when she is not desirable to me by telling her my feelings only. It is not easy to only share feelings. We so often project our opinions, or thoughts about what our spouses want.

These are Desire Builders
- Affirmation
- Positive attitude
- “Present and Future” Focused
- Communication
- Cooperative attitude
- Forgiveness
- Affection
- Positive “self Talk”
- Change
- Reliability
- Romance
- Prayer


- I also decided to do things that make me happy. I took up photography. I started going out with my friends again, golf, running marathons, boating etc. I plan vacations to look forward to. My next goal is to get to the healthy weight range. Both my W and I are working together to achieve our goals. These are things that make me feel good about me. Finishing a half marathon is the greatest feeling!


- I also decided to give help to other this year. I try to explain how to and give guidance so other may feel better, happier, heal from infidelity. I do things to make sure Retrouvaille is going to be a success. I have also done some work make sure those hurting others my committing infidelity know the consequences. I think I am very good at arguing and making others think differently.

- I have vowed to trust my W. I don’t monitor, I don’t follow, I don’t track, I allow her to tell me and I purposely believe. This is my decision. If I have a feeling that is “gut”, I will explain my feelings only if I think my W needs to hear it. For example, “I am afraid, scared, when I see you say words like your co-worker is sexy”.. etc.

- I have made a vow to myself that I will allow God to show me if I need a new relationship. I will not be abused again, EVER again. There will be no second chance should my W decided not to be desirable to me. This is my Lion in me, my courage to make sure I look out for me.

I can assure you, If you follow what I post, in time, you will achieve happiness again.


It does not mean you will ever forget. I came close on my vacation to having my first day without once thinking about infidelity. But at 7pm, some in a conversation mentioned one word that triggered a thought that reminded me of my W’s cheating. I accept this happens. It’s OK my W loved another man for 8 years. I know I will be reminded again and again. This is the new me. But I am happy today because that was all yesterday and history. I am good.


Now, you go be good.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:37 AM, June 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is OW's birthday. I know this because she was my "friend" for 7 years. I'd bet you money that WH does NOT know that today is OW's birthday.

So ... yeah, like tryn said, you remember stuff.

IC went well, thanks for asking. Learned some about addiction, how drugs and alcohol and psychotropic medications mix, etc. Very informative. It was very useful and gave me some good tools for planning the changes that are happening here.

0115 -- focus on you and your children and view any version of him not liking what you need as a temper tantrum. I try to envision my 4 year old's head on WH's body when he starts bitching in a ridiculous fashion. It kind of all follows from there.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: It sounds like a good plan to monitor Boyo to see if there is anything that is triggering these fevers. Your WH popping pills like that? It doesn't make sense. It seems he has no boundaries for himself and what is good for him...

M3: God bless you with all the work you are doing. It's too much stress! I hope you are taking care of yourself.

0115: You sound good and I like your focus on healing yourself. It's a long process. I feel that with a LTA there were a lot of behaviors we were putting up with in the WH, so not only do we need to heal from the LTA, but also from dealing with stuff from the M. Sometimes we have to learn new behaviors ourselves, like not being Codependent (I believe a lot of us had fallen into that pattern). It's long hard work. Be gentle with yourself and keep trying to move forward. IC is really helpful.

Strong: {{{{{strong}}}}} We are here for you on this day. You are sounding better and better. Congratulations on the job!!! This will be a major step in your healing!!I am so happy for you.

Laura: You are also sounding very good. I am so happy that the EMDR has been working for you and helping you to move forward.

awakened: You sound like you are really moving forward. Saying "not my problem" when WH does stupid is great. We can't control them, no matter how hard we try. This is a great thing for you to disengage!

Miracle: 89 people!! MY goodness!! If you made them pay a cover charge, you'd make out like a bandit!!!
God bless you!! I hope you will be able to enjoy your own party and are not working too hard!

Tryn: great post. You have been so helpful to all of us. It sounds like you and your FWW are working together in the M and walking together toward the future.

Hi Dip! Good to see you. I'll bet you have some good grilling ahead of you this weekend!!

Allgood: My thoughts and prayers are with you this week. Please keep posting and vent here. I wish I could shake your WH and tell him to wake up and start doing something proactive if he wants to save the M!! Idiot!

Ats: Let us know how you are doing.

As for me, the old wounds keep opening up.... a lot of very old crap like abandonment issues. Father's day and the anniversary of my father's death were big triggers and the old wounds have been gaping wide with WH's behavior.

Not to go into long details, but I set some boundaries regarding the kids that WH blantantly ignored and when I told him about it and that he betrayed my trust once again, I was the victim of a temper tantrum I hadn't seen the likes of in him before. When I tried to stay calm and say I'm talking about "x" and not abc or klm, he got angrier and kept raising the ante. It seems I cornered him in his own behavior and he acted out like a trapped animal saying all kinds of things that hurt like hell. Telling me I'm messing up our kids just like I messed up my two older kids. He knows the buttons to push.
I got off the phone feeling like I've been beaten up.

I can't let WH get away with not staying with a boundary I've set up, like I've set up so many!!! hah. But to try to stand my ground, wow. It almost broke me, and I'm already not whole.


{{{{Tribe}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 3:46 PM, June 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Honest))
Tough circumstances - but you seem to be handling them well.
Hang in there.

As for me - just feel like screaming & as that might lead some people to believe I'm crazy, I thought I would just vent here.

Just got off the phone with stbx about the intended message we will be telling the kids in about 2 hours. He joked throughout the conversation.
I just hope he follows my lead & allow this to be a joint message instead of making it look like just me that is deciding the children's fates.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Strong

Congrats on the job offer. That is SOOOOO cool.

((((honest))))

((((M33))))

((((allgood))))

Hi to everyone else

Got a big day at work today so need to get going. Holidays start Sat. Yay

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I have been keeping up with everyone and have been thinking about your situation. A few days ago I talked to a man who D a month ago. He has a boy and girl around 7 and 10. When they told the kids they were getting a D it was much better than he expected. Of course they were confused but BOTH parents took much time in the first few weeks explaining that the kids were not at fault and they were loved by both mom and dad. He said he spent as many hours as he could with his kids and they did ask many questions. This was a friendly D and as far as I could tell no A was involved.
I hope that your H will step up and do his share. If he does not I say that you will do just fine. You are a good mother and while all this will take some extra effort, you are the woman for the job.

Honest.

Your H sure does have BPD traits. Why was this a tantrum like no other? You must have caught him at the right time or perhaps he did feel backed into a corner more than usual. The don't like the truth when it is pointed at them. It is so hard to stay calm when they keep pushing your buttons and trying to change the subject. You have to remember that he is mentally ill and all those bad things he said are not true. He was just trying to blame you for him being crazy. It does really hurt and as you said, makes you feel beat up. Write this one down so you can remember what happened. It makes you feel less crazy if you can remember all the insane stuff they say.

You are right about the grilling this weekend. I do grill almost everyday so it will not be much different. It is going to be hot enought where I live to grill on the pavement.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I am so proud of you for standing your ground and holding the line on your boundaries!! You ROCK!! You are getting stronger every day. If you can't see it, I certainly can. I'm very happy for you.

Allgood - I'll be concerned about you until we hear how things went with the talk. You've got a lot on your plate but when you have the time let us know how you're doing. No pressure from here...you get plenty of that from Mr. Nogood.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
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Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, June 29th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it's done.
THe kids have been told.
Worst day of my life.
Can't stop crying.
2 year old is oblivious, demainding that we play Mr. Potato Head the entire time & insisting that everyone is happy even as everyone is crying.
7 year old is the only one other than stbx not crying. I made sure he understands what is going on. For themoment, he is carrying on as usual, but I'm sure the questions & sadness will come before long.
10 year old burst into tears & he is my "tough one".
13 year old was tearing up the whole time.
2 eldest kids are walking around like zombies.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

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