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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun,
Because we're soulmate schmoopies, of course. I get a strong "I love my family AND take pleasure in in being with them" vibe from you. I think that's why I thought of you. Or because I'm mind-whacked and there is no reason. One of those.

Allgood,
My gosh, what a giant clusterf*ck. The stress of school ending, special celebration, upcoming reveal, upcoming moving out, etc. etc. etc. makes it understandable (inevitable?) but doesn't make it any easier. I hope the outburst let out enough hot air that everything will be okay until after you guys can fill the kiddos in on the plan. (((Allgood)))

miracle,
Good for you for having The Fun House! I have the Vicious Mom house. We have some poorly-behaved neighbor boys who like to play with Boyos1 and 2, and I put my foot down when they are here. No "Oh, honey, please don't put the dog in the oven; she doesn't like it and she might bite you and I wouldn't want you to get hurt..." with me. I prefer "HEY! Leave the dog alone!" Now, with the more well-behaved kids (who do not damage my home, belongings or animals). Okay, time to get gettin'. Peace out!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood - I am so sorry that your stbxh couldn't have pulled his head out of his posterior long enough to keep a lid on his emotions for your son's sake. Your son deserved his day to be special, not marred by his father's childish rants. Look at it this way, at least your son will know why you can't stay with this man.

My DS17 was so sweet last night. He had been talking to a friend about being gone when FWH was moving out in a few days and I had to tell him that today was pretty much the day. He was sad, saw me tearing up but was supportive. Thank God he has good friends that he can hang with. He went to spend last night at a friend's house...I was relieved that he would be busy and not dwelling on what is missing in our house already.

I see the IC today. I need more advice on how to break this news to DD22. I thought I would be with her this weekend to drive her car home from school, but her BF is driving with her instead. I get nauseous just thinking about telling her about this mess but she really needs to know before she walks into the house.

Allgood....what books did you read about how to tell your kids and how to help them cope? Any that you can recommend?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do not have much time...

allgood: what an ass....i dont get it...where do these men (or women) come off....after fucking around, fucking up the marriage, about to fuck their kids...where does he come off....i mean wtf....this is not an everyday event, your son is graduating....take the time to show your son how much you care...instead of life goes on with or without you...especially knowing that he is about to deliver some heartbreaking news to him....this would be a last event for him to do right as a member of the household....oh allgood...he is still doing stupid exceptially well...and then to call you names...well i gotta tell you, i want to hit him right now....

puttin my lips together and whistlin....oh karma bus...gotta stop for ya....maybe a small jolt of lightening at the game....yeah i like that one...too bad the game is over...but hey...it is in the forecast...rain, thunder and of course lightening, oh my.....better late then never is ok too!!!


allgood start planning a girls nite, sounds like you is gonna need it too!!!


nell: the funny thing...i am a strict mom...i was the mom who yelled at all the kids when they are here...mostly about hitting each other or damaging my property and even some bully issues...but this is still the "goto" house, which i love...yes i was also the mom who played mostly every game in creation with them and their friends...the only game i refused to play and left to grandma is candy land...all others i played....that and this is a craftin house...even manchild in the beginning loved the crafts...they were almost always some kind of holiday related or birthday related...special crafts...and of course we is big on playdoh...anyways...i believed and still believe in balance...trying to find balance these days is like walking blindfold through a cactus field....it seems to be in extremes one way or the other and whenver manchild is involved when its directed at me, it pretty ugly..

not sure why i seem to be the target instead of pfm....not sure if its because i am the safer parent emotionally, or if he blames me somehow for god knows what....he knows what this site is called, he knows i am on it all the time....gonna be interesting when it comes to light...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I asked about the ban on men is because I was the only man who had posted for about three days. Even during the short short discussion no other men posted. I guess tryn is off in search of some new cool charts and ats is dealing with issues.

Nell.

Thanks.

Deep.

Wonder woman! Don't forget Daisy from Dukes of Hazzard.

Allgood.

We would never get tired of you all bitchin & moaning. That is what this place is for. I'm guessing that in the next few weeks you are going to have some extra bitchin to do, so let us hear it. It will be good for you.

miracle.

Same for you. It looks like you are going to have your hands extra full.

I should have taken notes. I am afraid to try and go back to she who I left out. I usually lose my post.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well you were right again. ( I think it was one of the guys who pointed this out to me) More truth cam out and YES there was a time when he said he loved her or thought he loved her.

Anyway, just giving affirmations to you guys today...you were right, you were right...

So sorry for the crap your stxh is putting you through! GRRRR


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip - haven't been able to post much - lots going on - but I wanted to copy this post from Tryn back on the 16th - I know you've been wondering where the guys are.

dip... ats is out for a few days on a trip. I'll be out of the country for awhile. YOu hold down the fort.

You're doing a good job btw holding down the fort.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf.

Thank you. It is good to see you post here. I know everyone has missed you. I hope things have been going in a good direction for you.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe,

MC with FWW tomorrow is cancelled, there is nothing to talk about. She has been spending the week with the kids and her sister. We have not talked about any of the issues I raised with her. She has been too tired, she does not have the energy, we can talk about it later, or she has had too much to drink (all her excuses).

I do not know who it would be, but her behavior today is much like she is seeing someone. I guess if I cared anymore I would ask her to use her phone to send me a photo from where she said she was going to be, but I honestly do not care.

It has been 2 months and more of the relationship going down hill. The last couple of weeks have been like I remember the time during the A.

She knows the relationship is not working for me. I first told her this 8 weeks ago. She did not want to talk of it then, and we have not since. I have raised the two big issues for me, intimacy and physical contact, and the split family dynamic, but we have not talked about either.

Her sister goes home tomorrow, DS15 leaves for a 6 day trip on Monday. I think next week I will tell her it is time to figure out how we are going to D. Given her unemployment, our underwater house, and a kid in college, it will not be easy.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((ATS))))))))))

fnf, I've missed you. How are things?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats))) I'm so sorry that your sich has taken this downward spiral. You have worked so long and so hard to make things better but it doesn't appear that your FWW is willing/able to put in the work that SHE needs to put in to save your M. Hugs to you ats.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so sorry Ats....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ATS))))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

It seems to me that her sister is often somehow involved when your W has one of these set backs. Either with direct contact or long distance. I understand that the sister is not the whole problem but she seems to stir up much shit. She is toxic. Your W losing her job and her sister visiting at this time was a double whammy on the stress scale. I know you get tired of being the one to put out the fires. I completly get that feeling. I seem to do that all the time. Many crisis interventions are required at my house. Hang in there ats.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats - what did she say when you told her you were canceling mc?
Personally, I think her recent behavior is her just running away from you, because she probably feels like she cannot really give you what you want, it's too hard. I don't think it's necessarily indicative of another A, because I think she was trying to change.
I think what's made the most sense to me as an outsider is that marriage is maybe just not for her.

((Ats))

By the way you CANNOT break it off with your wife on Dip's shift - Tryn will have his head when he gets back.
Lol
Gotta go - diva's got some issues.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:41 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, we must be soulmate schmoopies because I do love my family and I love being with them. They are why I smile. And you are the same. I can feel it in your posts. With your boyos.

Allgood, you want me to get Uncle Louis to NY for you? I think I still have the connections!!

Ats - Im so sorry you are feeling the way you are. I know what it feels like. It sucks. I'm not so sure though that D is the answer at this point.

allgood - I was kind of strict. There was no drinking, drugging, sexing or anything disrespectful at my house. I used to put a jar on the table and it was called the "F N F" jar. If any of the boys said "fuck" or "farted" they had to put a quarter in the jar. They always congregated at my house. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that anymore. Oh Jeesh I could tell you some stories.

((((strongish)))) and all the rest of the tribe...Love you all.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, FWH called DD22 (the new grad) this afternoon to tell her that we were separating for at least 3 months. He called me after to tell me that she said that she had been expecting the phone call for quite some time and she wasn't surprised. She didn't have a lot of time to talk and I haven't talked to her yet, but I am relieved that all 3 kids know and so far all appear to be handling it reasonably well.

As most of you have said, the kids did suspect more than I gave them credit for and are supporting each other and me. DS24 called me tonight as he got the message the DD was finally told, and he wanted to check up on me. Love that boy!!

I am relieved.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my...busy busy not happy busy here...

strong: i am glad its all out, i could only imagine the relief and look forward to my day of relief too someday....

and even happier that your kids are amazing....and thats because you are an amazing mom....

and i am so sad, although i know the s is needed, it doesnt make it any less sadder...so lots of hugs for you

((((((strong)))))))


allgood: when your relief comes it will only be half of a dose...cause i know you will keep his secret...however...if your kids ask you directly..answer honestly...but i know the relief will still be there when its finally done and there is no more huge tiptoeing, only little tiptoes...

and yes gradually is a great idea...but it doesnt have to be drawn out..advance notive is the most important thing for them...no surprises...


ats: dip has a major point...whatever you decide we are here for ya...and if you decide to stay for a bit more...i think the sister has to go to a different place as far as contact is concerned


fnf: its wonderful to hear from you, i have missed you...and hopin that your absense is because you have been spendin more grandma time...



0115..i am so sorry the truths are tricklin....i hope your ws gets it that he needs to get IT ALL out...everytime he trickles its a huge step backwards...and before you know it he backs himself into a corner...not a normal corner but to the edge of a cliff where he will push himself over the edge to the death...(((0115)))


fun...you have not told us your happenins...inquiring minds want to know...

tomorrow is prom....and the true beginning of pure chaos...with some moments here and there where no one is home, cept pfm...wish i could get him to go somewhere...the irony....way way way back when i used to beg him to have more family time...now i want the opposite..or at least not with me included...i think he should start spending some alone time with each kid or kids together forming some kind of relationship....but what do i know...he will find himself to be a lonely lonely man....and except for some whores here and there....he will be more alone then ever....and the whores wont count...he will never meet another woman who will be what i was to him and he knows it...he will end up settling for some chick just so he won't be alone...alot like his friend who is very unhappily married...

karma always stops...just never know when ....


nite all

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish- Sending you long distance hugs.
You are stronger than you think! And so are your kids.
I told you that they probably knew a lot already...
and, I think I told you about my sitch.
The kids (in their 20's) were horrified and very supportive of me but...when they saw all of the hard work my husband was putting into getting sober, going to IC, MC etc.
They have come around and seem to be pretty much back to normal with their father (in terms of interactions etc.)
Now..do you have a plan for the separation? will it be a 180...no contact at all?
or will you both go to IC and MC?

[This message edited by njgal480 at 3:08 AM, June 24th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish: I'm happy to hear that all your kids know and are rallying around you for support. I know it's sooo very sad and upsetting to actually be getting ready for the S, even though you are sure of it. I pray, that the S will help both you and WH sort out what you both need to do. Focus on what YOU need now.

Allgood: My thoughts and prayers are with you this weekend. Please, please come here and vent and let out your emotions. You are keeping too much in, I fear. You will need to be strong for your kids now, but we will be here to help you be strong.

Miracle: God bless you. I hope all the proms and graduations go well. I pray that pfm and you can work together well coparenting in this busy time. You don't need any more headaches!

Ats: Was the MC cancelled because of you or FWW or did the MC cancel?
I don't think your FWW is seeing anyone else right now. She's seem to have come so far.
Really dig deep inside yourself to make this decision. We will back you up no matter what you decide to do.
The only thing I can see, is that your FWW has tried to make changes. I think you know that you have done everything you could, and perhaps Mrs. Ats has done as much as she can, but may not be enough. But, at this point, you can leave each other with respect, because you both did what you could. I believe she has done what she is capable of and loves you to the best of her ability.

{{{{{Ats}}}}}

Nofun: I'm joining in, what has happened lately?

Hi Nell!!

0115: You are still early in this horrible process. The roller coaster will be taking you for horrendous rides. I hope you are seeing an IC. It really helps to sort out your thoughts and emotions.
Most of us have come to the conclusion that it is not just the A that kills us inside, it's the TT, blameshifting, lying, gaslighting, etc, etc that does it.

Dip: You are holding down the fort beautifully.

DP: I'm sorry you are still feeling under the weather. I hope you get better soon.

NJgal: You are sounding better, and I'm glad. There is some hope in your posts now and it's good to see. You deserve the best.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

So sorry so many are struggling.

No time but I want to HUG you all

Group HUg:

Love

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:27 AM, June 24th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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