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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright.... it's confirmed. Conversations with stbx while wearing snort shorts are significantly more productive than having a conversation in pjs & morning breath.

Last night's conversation was pushed aside in favor of my stbx going to play ball. So this am, I was able to go over it briefly with him.
He has no intention to visit with the kids at his place because they will dread going there, it's too small. I won't drag y'all thru the details.
Bottom line - I'm setting the schedule, that's it.

By the way - tv is apparently in my attic.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
He has no intention to visit with the kids at his place because they will dread going there, it's too small.

As miracle says, he is doing stupid REALLY WELL. Hm, apartment is too small. Well, nothing he can do about that. Nope. It's summer... he's renting... nope, I can't think of one single solution to that problem.

My BFF comes this weekend with her husband; so excited... and so much to do before they get here! Not going to be posting much, I think, but will be popping in to keep tabs.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Can't post much - reading but so very busy.

All OK here.

(((((0115, awaken, fun, DP, and others))))))

Allgood

I hope those sexy shorts keep reminding him of how dumb he is. When you really want to make him pay wear your bikini

Thinking of you at this very hard time.

Honest

Stay strong

A little worried we haven't heard from some others.

Hope you are all ok.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Thanks for clearing up the short shorts thing. And thanks for the description. That is a much better image than Magnum PI. MUCH BETTER! I agree with Laura. The bikini would really make him hurt.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood --

Don't let him visit the kids at your place. It's yours now. It will give him too much of the "we're still a happy family" fantasy.

We know that you still love him. We also know that sometimes (not that I'd count on it mind you) sometimes the separation is finally the wake-up call for the WS. But it can't be if he's visiting there -- and more importantly, you need him 100% out of your space to heal.

I think if you went nearly NC with him immediately after the S date that would be best for you no matter what. If you could get a friend to do dropoffs for a few months, only text him and be VERY neutral, etc. I think you personally would feel a lot better and your jackass STBXWH might take his freakin blinders off.

That's just me -- but I'm the harsh bitch who is going to refuse to buy another house with my WH once this one is sold. I'll move. I'll put my name on the title. But the mortgage? NFW.

As far as short-shorts go: I better get back on my bike, etc. if I want to wear short shorts anymore. Being on the fence has left me very depressed and apparently I have a problem with emotional eating. Ugh. Great.

I keep having this fantasy that I find out I'm dying of ovarian cancer or maybe pancreatic cancer -- you know, something fast and pretty much incurable. I *guess* that's better than being suicidal -- pfft.

Oh, and njgal -- you have been totally right about my WH being an alcoholic. He cut way back for a very long time -- but then this past Sat. he went on a binge, weirdly enough while we were doing the park trip/hiking thing. I might have written it off if I'd seen him have 5 or 6 drinks at a wedding -- but this was like 11 or 12 on a family nature hike day, including him sneaking beer into the NO ALCOHOL ALLOWED park in his shorts pockets to drink on the hike. We went to lunch before the hike and he ordered a margarita and by the time lunch was over he'd rolled through 3 of the 4 beers that came with the crabs... we stopped for nets to catch critters with and he came out with a 6 pack too... then BBQing with friends later he just kept going. I finally dragged the family out for the hour-long drive home at close to midnight.

It's not that he was obnoxious or in a bad mood, not even the next day, it's just the huge amount of alchohol totally out of context. That was what was so striking. I had 3 drinks all day. Ordered a margarita with him too, had part of a beer from the bucket that came with the crabs, and then another beer when we got to our friend's house 6 or 7 hours later. That's normal (I think.) Worst thing is, he was supposed to be our driver.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya - this morning I made it clear that he is to visit at his place on the weekends.
During the week - I really don't care if he's at my house while I'm at work. He will leave when I get home.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:35 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
GOOD for you. You should not have to host your STBXWH's playdates with his children.

m3,

It's not that he was obnoxious or in a bad mood, not even the next day, it's just the huge amount of alchohol totally out of context.

...and also that there was ZERO EFFECT the next day... wow. That would make me .


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
He has visitation on certain days and that's that.
It will be part of your divorce agreement.
His visitation should not be in your house sitting on your couch while you are making dinner!
If he wants out of the marriage then he needs to suffer the consequences. And if he has the kids and they whine about his apartment-well, oh, well...he'll have to figure it out. Not you...he will have to put on his big boy pants and figure it out. Maybe he will have to take the kids out to eat and to the movies or park etc. or.... maybe..after a few months of this he will figure out that he will need to find a bigger, more appropriate place.
But, IMHO I think you're both putting the horse in front of the cart.
Do you have a separation agreement in writing? with all of this spelled out?

M33- What you are describing is definitely an alcoholic. When you are drinking excessively on a hike in the woods...and sneaking booze ...well...there's your answer.
Now..what do you plan to do with this information?

One thing I would do for sure is not trust him to watch the kids alone.
I would not leave young children with someone who is most likely under the influence.

I just had a very difficult intervention with a relative (not my FWH!) who has a drinking problem..met up with a lot of anger and denial...
it's not easy..

[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:24 PM, June 21st (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal

Allgood- What you are describing is definitely an alcoholic. When you are drinking excessively on a hike in the woods...and sneaking booze ..

This ain't me. I must've been reading too quickly today, because I don't even know who this is - maybe M3?

As for me - I already have an agreement, but visitation is "as agreed upon" as it's too difficult to pin down with his fluctuating days off, etc. I've already told him he will visit with the kids - 1/2 day on the weekends initially to see how they do & then increase it from there. This is to accommodate my children, not him.
I don't need free time so bad that my kids will have to go be miserable at Dad's house.
I'm going to start with the 1/2 days in the belief, that my stbx's fears (or bullshit) will be proven unfounded.
It's also something that only happens every 3-4 mos. He doesn't have every weekend off.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry...meant to reply to M33...
I will have to change that!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Njgal,

I don't know. Everything I've read says the alcoholic has to get sober before there's any chance of "fixing" anything else.

And, you can't make them get sober...

Alanon? This book I've got on the CRAFT method? Voodoo? I mean, all I can do is keep the kids safe, plan my life so that it works without him, not enable him and see what happens, right?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood-
I still can't believe how your husband just let all of this happen...let it get to this point.
He's acting as if he is sleepwalking through it all.
Very passive-not fighting for your marriage and yet he does not sound happy about the S/D.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I agree with NJgal, your WH has a problem and even if he was/is a "controlled alocoholic" drinking like that on a hike with the kids and hiding the alcohol points to a problem. Alanon would be a start for you to help you figure out what you need to do. You are right, you cannot make him quit, or control it.

Allgood: With 4 kids, it will be difficult with visitation if WH would want to take them all to his apt, even if he had a huge one with bedrooms for all. You have a 13 year old who is into sports, and that is difficult to work around, I know. Been there, done that, still doing it with being the baseball/soccer/basketball/swimming Mom.

Him coming to visit the kids at the marital home may be sometimes a compromise that needs to be made if WH sees 3/4 kids while one is at a game or whatever. You just may want to lock up your bedroom to keep it private, not that you are hiding anything, but giving him a message. He comes to visit? You go out. Period. He takes care of whatever. Yes, you do and will need the time. You don't realize fully how much he does until he's gone. I know..... xWH was hardly ever home, but when he left, EVERYTHING had to be done by me even little things we don't even realize. So take advantage of the time he comes and go out, even to the library.


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - thanks for your support.

I have my eyes wide open. I do know what he does & what I will have to do. I've been paying attention to the things I needed to learn & over the past few months I have learned some, will learn to mow the grass only when I absolutely have to & for the rest, like drywall patching, etc., I will pay for it.

The main thing he does is take care of the kids when he is home, run them around, etc. He wants to continue to do that & that's fine by me, that's why I'm ok with him doing all of this during the week at my house since it's convenient.

You just may want to lock up your bedroom to keep it private, not that you are hiding anything,

TOO true that I have nothing to hide. Maybe I need to plant something!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: yup he sounds like he has a problem....i think going to alanon might just give you another avenue of support...and we all could use as much support as possible...


allgood: i understand completely about him doing the visitations at your house...i also think that any runnin around that has to be done...well he should be on speed dialin for it...

as for the weekends...completely at his house...or he could take them wherever..just as long as its not on YOUR turf....the only exception would be an ill kid....birthday parties...his time, his responsibility...or hopefully you will both find a way to settle into your new roles truly being partners for your kids...we have this couple that have been super tight friends of ours...so much so we named them as guardians of our kids should my mom, pfm and i die ....and this couple divorced...he left her for an ow (broke up with this woman within months of the separation)..anyways this couple worked really hard as being friends for their kids...their kids have turned out beautifully so far...super duper kids...granted she worked harder at maintaining a working relationship then he did, but he still did put the effort in...so much so that we named them both for joint custody .....and she was pissed, but put it aside to do what she had to do so her kids would have a relationship with their dad...and its rewards are still coming...

and when he picks up the kids though, i say wear some great short shorts and a pair of heels....tell him youre glad hes on time to pick them because you have plans....say goodbye and tell him you will see him the next day..


miracle house update:

its official prom after party is at my house...it will be a pool party first followed by whatever next and ending with all of them crashing in sleeping bags..manchild is a happy camper....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 21st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm alive...back from visiting the baby.

I have become:
Bitter
Obsessed
Inadequate
Angry
Hateful
No patience
Skeptical


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I would say "Good Luck" with the after-party, but I know you are not only comfortable with these things (which would send shivers down my spine), but LOVE these things.
So, enjoy watching your son & his friends!
(You must have a very good relationship with both him & his friends. There's no way in Hell I would've wanted to be anywhere near my parents' house after prom, lol.)

Fun:
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I feel I am changed in a similar way. Probably like you, it's something that can be hidden from other people, but it's there eating at me as well.
Any ideas how to change that? Is this a recent change or was this there all along? There were points where you sounded legitimately happy & dare I say hopeful about R. What, if anything, was going on then that is different from what is going on now?
((Fun))
On my way to go deal with 2 parents feuding over their only child and then off to see my son graduate from Middle School.
Peace out!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun, I hope this is just (as they say) a dip in the rollercoaster.

I am actually feeling better and better for the most part. I still struggle with the injustice of the whole thing... but I have discovered that it's pride-driven more than anything else. Like, how dare he do this to ME?! Doesn't he know who I am?! Well, as I have seen all over the place here on SI, why NOT me? If As happen in (more than) 50 percent of marriages, did I really think that my super-fabulousness would make mine immune to a couple of dumbass, sneaky cheaters? Well, yeah, kinda. Oops, I suffered from the Smug-Marrieds. Got a big dose of reality to cure that one. Now, I do have (using this word in a positive way now) pride that when I discovered that *something* was wrong, I worked my ass off to realize MY faults and do what I could do to make our marriage better. More than I can say for Mr. Nell, who ran for the easiest lay he could find instead of even asking a simple question, much less DOING anything.

Yesterday would have been my grandmother's birthday. I thought of her a bit, wondered if she had gone through what I am going through. After my grandfather died (suddenly), she made her life really FULL and she seemed really happy. Surrounded herself with friends (other widow ladies in the neighborhood, through her "seniors group" and from church) and her family and took up a bunch of hobbies. I loved her, and I know she truly loved me. Fun, I was thinking of you while I wrote that. That love from my grandmother, it sticks with me. She died 15 years ago.

My IC was in my yoga class last night. It threw me off for about half the class... I was very aware that she was there and my balance was negatively affected. We had talked about yoga on Friday and discovered that we attended the same studio but attend classes at different times of the day, so our paths never crossed. She knew I went to that particular class. It was... what's the word... disconcerting, I guess, that she chose to attend that particular class. Or maybe it's not disconcerting but I need to get over my bad self.

Okay, gotta run. Nell out.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 6:57 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood:

TOO true that I have nothing to hide. Maybe I need to plant something!

I'm so stupid, I'm thinking at first , "why is Allgood talking about gardening!!"
But then I really laughed...your stbs is a cop and you a lawyer....what fun and games!! Really planting something. Well, with those short shorts, you are "planting" the seeds of jealousy in his brain!! Congrats on the graduation from Middle School!

Miracle: Proms and graduations! You are too good to host the after prom party. I wouldn't have the patience. But kudos to you, and I'm glad that manchild is happy.

Nofun: Tell us what is going on. Your news that your WH was starting to get it sounded hopeful. What has happened lately? How is it working out with your DD at home?

Nell: You are sounding good. You seem to be going on to the next stage. At first we still deal with the trauma of it all, then we start to look at the reality of everything and start to deal with that and what we want to do with it. It's not an easy task.
I liked your story about your grandmother. It seems that she was able to enjoy the rest of her life. We sometimes have no idea what our grandparents had to go through. They kept things to themselves. I believe from what my mother has told me about my grandmother's behavior at a certain time in her life, that my grandmother definitely suffered from depression and anxiety attacks. No meds, no IC, just silent suffering.

Having your IC in your yoga class can be disconcerting. Sometimes we rely on them so much, we forget they are human too.

As for me, I've been suffering from a lot of anxiety attacks lately. I'm sure it's because I stopped that one med, but I don't want to go back on it. It's so tiring fighting those attacks, one feels like one has fought a tremendous battle and feels so tired afterwards.

I have to face what I want to do with the rest of my life. It seems I have no idea, or whatever I wanted to do, there seems to be so many obstacles, or because of the economy, almost impossible.

<sigh>


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 22nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest, I think EMDR can help with anxiety attacks... just a thought. The "go to your happy place" thing is supposed to relax you and make you aware of your breathing, your physical place in the universe, that sort of thing. Kinda like yoga is supposed to do, but with a visual to go with it. I tried to practice my happy place yesterday but my mind wanders almost immediately. Or I fall asleep. Need to practice more.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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