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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not always. Depends on the words and how much everyone else knows about them!

I spend most of my time using little words so that my family can understand me. Unless I'm talking to The Pharaoh. H'es already 9.

True story from M3's house installment #123:

WH: (joking about a stupid comment on the show we're watching...) The more people there are in the water, the higher the chances of a shark attack.
M3: (teasingly) Ah, so if there is 1 person in the water and then someone joins them, the chance of a shark attack doubles!
The Pharaoh: (skeptically) oh really?
M3: Well, what do you think?
The Pharaoh: That's like saying your chances of winning the lottery double if you buy two lottery tickets instead of one! The real difference is infintessimal...

Ah... heck. Between the great report card and that -- I bought him an iPod. How could I not?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn, I had an idea for some art like yours the other day but I have no idea how to do it!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I use CS5... You knew I did one about you? It may seem creepy to you but not to me.


A broke man that had the eye for another broken woman and lost his vision of something beautiful in your hands..

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:20 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: There was an article in the local paper today about grilling pizza.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

In Going Mental you also need a section on "fantasising about joining a vigilante gang who hunt down APs" (Part 24 I think).

EMDR down under!- Subtitled "Burying your Heart"

The last art I did was about Laura but never really finished. She started doing those butterflys and I got destracted.

Hope you get back to it. I love your art!!!
Miracle

the wake is for the next 2 days and the church is on saturday...

((((((Miracle))))))

0115

It's amazing therapy just to read and take it all in.

What I find extraordinary is that so often a member writes a response to another member and it brings light to my own sich.

awakenedbytruth

This weekend....son's bday, having a pool party. MIL coming to visit. Triggers galore from last year.

Doesn't it piss you off when events that should be fun and celebrations became painful and ordeals. That "gift that keeps on giving"

Have a few drinks, try to focus on the good stuff happening and when your MIL gets to you, smile and think to yourself "You raised a DUMB arsehole". Then smile some more

Nell

Dickwad Male.

M33

I woke up in a panic thinking I'd forgotten to pay the property taxes

We have so many panic moments post dday. I think this shit probably takes years off our lives.

Between the great report card and that -- I bought him an iPod. How could I not?

Well deserved. The kid has both brains and insight - like his mum. Do you think he could teach his dad???

Allgood

Dip: There was an article in the local paper today about grilling pizza.

Can you give us a link?

Gotta go people. Late again.

You all have a nice relaxing evening while I go battle hormonal, illogical teenagers who on Fridays have nothing on their minds but the weekend.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn,
I've got an X-box where a picture of m3 should be.

I'll be the editor and throw in humor here and there when something strikes me as funny. But, really, humor only works if you're SAYING something... and I don't know enough to say much of anything. I'm just skating through, hoping to avoid open water. That said, we should definitely have a chapter on Forgiveness Vs. Acceptance. tryn can write the first part of the chapter, and I'll chime in with my brash opinions.

honest, how are you today?

Aaaaaand, as long as we're bragging on our kids... Boyo2 got 100% on every single portion of his reading and listening comprehension test this year. (Take that, Miss Hedoesnotfitinthisbox.) And the school psychologist had a say in his teacher next year... I'm so happy!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Was it a good article? Gas or charcoal? I have ribs grilling on the grill right now. There is also a big storm heading right for me. It should get here about the same time as the ribs are done. Somebody is going to need to get the ribs during the storm. Guess who? Good thing there is a ALPHA male in charge. Grilling is a tough and dangerous job.

m3.

I did not walk out on my W. I was going to but I really thought she was going to kill herself if I left. Besides that I really had no where to go. Did you grill a pizza yet. Maybe Allgood will give us a link to the article.

0115.

It is good that you are feeling better just by reading all this. Sometimes this bunch gets in a wacko mood and things get pretty crazy.

Laura.

I thought that on Fridays almost everybody has nothing but the weekend on their minds.

Tryn.

I am a horrible griller when it comes to the question asking. I inadvertly gave my W the answer to a question I was asking one time. How stupid is that? No wonder I don't know anything about her A shit. The LTA legal team needs to do the grilling of the prisoners. I will say I probably would do a better job if I was grilling someone who I was not married to and who had not betrayed me.

Ats.

???

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip... ats is out for a few days on a trip. I'll be out of the country for awhile. YOu hold down the fort.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura:

Have a few drinks, try to focus on the good stuff happening and when your MIL gets to you, smile and think to yourself "You raised a DUMB arsehole". Then smile some more


i loved loved loved this and will have to remember it....it good for those of us with inlaws from hell...


safe trip try, ats and stong...


awakened you remind of allgood...its hard, so hard to let go and stop trying to wake the dead....aint gonna happen...not until they hit bottom and even then ... who knows...


first nite of the wake tonite:

it was very odd, it was nearly as sad as i thought it would be....the parents seem to be very together...i would be a basket case without a doubt...parents are also divorced, and all seemed quiet on that front too...

we go back tomorrow...my kids are great, they really want to be there for their friend..

and the mother said she is still giving her son his graduation party next week, because he wants it...i offered as well as a good good freind of mine to do whatever we can...whether or not she will take us up on it...??

these next couple of weeks is gonna be crazy for me...with exception to this death, its all good stuff...

other news in the miracle house...

well pfm seems to have lots and lots of anger beneath the surface and everytime i answer him with sarcasm, or coldness it shows its face in the form of slamming whatever it is he is doing...tis gettin on my nerves....and i am once again bewildered...where the fuck does he come off having anger...he was angry with me for our entire marriage....he was the one who fucked up and fucked....so where does he get off....

and the other day i cursed when i answered him bout something...so he asked "why must youcurse"...me: "cause you fucked"

total asshole...looking forward and ahead to the day when i no longer have to live in this charade...

nite all


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m334455
no, you cannot happily coexist not in R for a long time. nope. not an option. I truly believe you either need to fully R or D.

and

Many LTA'ers here have expressed addiction problems as a co-occurence, or mental illness. That too.

So my WH began IC right after DDay 0115/11 and this surfaced. He's co-dependent and he was a victim of SA when he was 5-6 yrs old. I never knew either of these, he didn't know he was co-dependent and he said he never knew if the SA really happened. It did, he confirmed it with his sister. So, he's really a mess. I'm really a mess because of a 12 yr A I'm just now finding out about and because I feel so lied too.

Today, I feel like we just need to be separated to be able to sort out our own stuff. He's in IC and going to CODA meetings and trying to work on himself but I need information about the A and I honestly don't think he knows. I think he just says what he thinks I need to hear. Tryn when you said he did love her I brought that up to him and he immediately said NO but I said "have you thought about it"? and he said no I don't want to and I don't have time. I don't think he's knows 1/2 of what I need because he's so messed up. It's like he's trying to explain an Algebra problem to me and he doesn't even know the answer himself so it's always the WRONG answer.

I want to give him time to figure himself out...he's really broken gasping for air himself and he's dragging me down lower and lower.

If he heals and I heal (without all the answers) then maybe in the future we can go back and see if the bloody beaten broken marriage can be worked on.
At that time he would need to come clean with all the answers and then maybe we'll work on R.

Does this sound impossible?

Thanks...by the way still getting to know the tribe...it might take me awhile


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'mmmmmm baaaack

Showed up at Chicago Midway at 3 pm got home at 6 am. Diversions to Pensacoola, re-route to Tampa, rented a car to drive the rest of the way. I am so glad to be out of consulting.

FWW spent the day getting snacks ready for her sister and friends who are coming to visit tomorrow. FWW will go with them until Sunday. We will get some time together....., whenever.

Got home, fixed the brorken internet, caught up laundry, got trash cleaned up. My $$ digital camera was broken whle I was gone, not fixing it.First order of business, big jiggers of Cock Spur rum for all!

She did not go with me so she would have time with her sister. Since she was let go time is not an issue, but my day back she is busy fixing snacks for sister and friends. I will see her Sunday, DS is going out with me for Fathers Day,

STEP DD is getting married in a couple of months, I am not invited or going. FWW will take our DSs. We will see if BIL attends.

I am so done. We have MC on Friday, but buy then, honestly what is the point?

I am a success in many aspects of Life except my M to FWW. Time to go and focus on my strengths. m334455, thank you for the referal to wal.

She got a hormone shot to be nmore arroused sexually. No shots were needed for OM or BL, so how is this supposed to make me feel better that she needs medication to have sex with me.?

Whoooo, the ativan has kicked in.

Mf theme in MC on Friday, I an no longer comfortable being plan B.
--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:14 AM, June 17th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats

She got a hormone shot to be nmore arroused sexually.

Can you ask her what it was? I need one badly.

On a more serious note

I am so done.

So awful to feel like this.

I am a success in many aspects of Life

You have shown that you are a success in ALL aspects of your life. What has happened with your WW is not down to you. It is her.

You have been a wonderful friend to all of us here. I hope you realise just how much you mean to us all.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura said it well, as usual. I'll just add hugs. (((((ats)))))


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. Sorry you feel this way and I wish your W would make the extra effort. You cannot control what others do.

Iwant.. I hope you get through all this.. You are a great mother.

Peace be with you all!


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The kid has both brains and insight - like his mum. Do you think he could teach his dad???

Aww... Thanks! Yeah, little dude ... when Mr.M3 isn't around he sometimes refers to him by his first name -- or if Mr.M3 has been especially non-parental ... "Uncle Dad."

Sigh. I guess I'd better start breaking him of that. The first name thing -- I'll let that stay because WH refers to his parents by their first names when they're not around, so I'll assume that's OK with WH, especially since I did tell WH that (big) little guy was doing it.

tryn -- I do remember that now! My memory sucks. Apparently it's a side effect of something.

Nell -- I am pleased but no surprised about boyo's results. I had a feeling you were dealing with some sub-par staff there.

Awww... nanny just brought the toddlers up to take a bath. They got very ketchup-y from their hash browns this morning!

Dip -- yes, I agree, your wife might have killed herself. god bless you. No, I have not grilled a pizza yet. I will look for Allgood's article (and find it, because I'm kind of like that hacker chick on Criminal Minds...)

ATS. Hang in there. Focus on you. You have done more than many people would have. I am wondering if you just step back on drop the rope now what would happen? No "I need X, Y, Z ... I want a D..." etc. Just, drop the rope, don't seek her company but be pleasant when you have it. Make plans for yourself. Take your DS on a "just guys" vacation ... etc. I might not say this if she hadn't gotten that shot -- but that's a pretty powerful statement if you ask me. Very powerful. It implies she wants to have sex with you and she wants to really WANT it for its own sake rather than it being any sort of an obligation or power play.

0115 I'm going to respond to you separately.

Tryn, have a safe trip.

Miracle, peace be with you.

Laura -- super-smart, as always.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh, the joys of boys!!

This is DS16 doing his "parkour" stuff. More like freestyle gymnastics. In this pic, he ran up the side of a tree trunk and did a flip.

Them doing stuff like this, it's no wonder we can't figure out what goes on in their heads!

Miracle: My thoughts and prayers are with you through this difficult time. We went through a similar thing when my oldest was 19 and I was pregnant with my daughter. His best friend and another friend were killed in a horrific car crash, and DS 19 was supposed to be with them!!! He was on "survivor guilt" for a while. (went through that again in (9/11 as a NYC firefighter too)

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 10:18 AM, June 17th (Friday)]


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do not have much time and have only really skimmed....but you guys know me....got put in my 2 cents when it strikes...cause if i dont the memory will erase what i want to say...

so just a few notes as time is short...

welcome home ats...and i am so sorry to hear that she is not stepping up....but yet getting a drug to help her get aroused...she is a total conundrm at times....

and the fact of her planning separate times or vacations to exclude you bothers me and should not be anymore....

whatever you think is best ats...we are here for you..and no matter which or what you ultimately decide to do YOU ARE A SUCCESS..got that...she does not define you....as a man you are amazing...


0115: wow, there is so much for you to process....for you obviously more then he.....but you both have lots to process...and i hope he is helpful for you during this process...if he is helpful and truthful it will help you heal and without that there can never be a future with him...but even if there ends up being no future with this man, you still need to heal and him helping you will speed up the process a bit, not to mention make it a bit easier...

you sound like you really got it together, and you sound like you are being as proactive as possible and this is all really really good...

and there is no bones about it...this all sucks...

mix of an afternoon for me....first attending one of my little charges graduation from nursery school followed by the second day of the wake for a 22year old girl....

such a mix of happy and so sad...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - great pic!
Ats - sorry to hear of all the going's on in your house, but I do agree with M3 about the sex drug thing. Actually, I said something similar to my stbx prior to DDay, cuz I really didn't have any interest in sex at all. (Now I realize it was the lack of an emotional connection & built up resentment that caused the lack of interest, not a hormone thing).

He was greatly offended by the statement as well & I was totally surprised by that & tried to explain that it had nothing to do with him or how I felt about him, but that there must be something wrong with me & I was going to fix it.
And my thinking is that she wasn't having sex with OM that often & she knows that you require more, so she's trying to meet that goal.
Anyway, it seems less like an issue of her not trying (tho I agree her choices about her time this weekend is pretty poor), but more of an issue as to whether it's something you want to do.

I will get on that grilling thing this weekend.

Happy Father's Day to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi iawm,

well pfm seems to have lots and lots of anger beneath the surface ...<snip>...and i am once again bewildered...where the fuck does he come off having anger...he was angry with me for our entire marriage....

I am not, in any way, defending PFM. in people who do not well understand or explore their feelings, many emotions express as anger. From childhood, we are "taught" that anger is an acceptable emotion to express. Especially in boys, anger is OK where embarrassment or fear is not so well tolerated. Given the degree to which PFM seems to still struggle with sorting out who he actually is versus whom he professes he wants to be, this may be a part of the problem.

He gets embarrassed at f’king up again, and it comes out as anger. When he is hurt by how he or others are treated by his family; it comes out as anger, etc.

As I said, not making excuses, it is still an issue he should work toward getting a handle on, but may help to explaing the angry man.

Hi 0115, welcome to LTA.

Found out I have the house to me self this evening, everyone will be somewhere else for the night. I need to figure out how to take advantage of this rare occurance.

FWW may be out with her sister till Monday now. This morning she went on and on about how she is not looking forward to the time with her sister, she is apprehensive, it is not fun, and yet after we have not had any time together for a week, she has occupied herself from Thursday till Monday with her sister. Yseterday afternoon she talked of us having supper, watching a movie and having an early night. Instead, she spent the entire evening preparing things for her sister's visit.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 17th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgoodnamesgone, we x-posted.

...cuz I really didn't have any interest in sex at all. (Now I realize it was the lack of an emotional connection & built up resentment that caused the lack of interest, not a hormone thing).

This is what I believe to be the case with FWW.

...tried to explain that it had nothing to do with him or how I felt about him, but that there must be something wrong with me & I was going to fix it.

This is what FWW says too, but see above.


And my thinking is that she wasn't having sex with OM that often & she knows that you require more, so she's trying to meet that goal.

Actually, she was having sex more often with the OM. She maintains it was only 1x a month (or less). This alone is more than we have sex. I have proof of many instances where it was 2x a month or more she met with him, plus the cell/text flirting with bil. Overall, without medication, she was flirty and sexual with OM more (much more) than with me. I accept that there are/maybe deep reasons for this, I accept from what I have read that the reason she could be sexual and flirty with them is because they did not mean much to her emotionally. This knowledge does not mean that I have to accept the relationship "as is". Besides, focused effort to make/spend time with me has nothing to do with sex, and yet her sister (who she says she is not looking forward to spending time with) gets all of her time this weekend, and is the (one of the?) reason she did not travel with me to Chicago this week. What am I to make of a person avoiding me to spend time with a person they say makes them apprehensive and that they are not looking forward to being with?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:48 AM, June 17th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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