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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, June 15th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Miracle

Shocking thing. Just the worst. Death is for us old folks - not the young. My heart goes out to your friend. When I found out DS had Marfan I wanted to die in his place. Still would. Such a tragedy

0115

Glad you made it to our house. As for the amount of hook ups, phone calls, minimising, TT etc it is SO shitty. My FWH is a liar. Always has been probably always will. Most of what I know I found out myself. I suspect there were more OWs. He lied continually in the first few weeks after dday. eg swore there had been only one OW (OW3) until I named OW2 and OW1, said was with OW2 once or twice a month - she said 2-3 times per week (everything else she told me fitted what I already knew so I believed her - he later admitted). Lots of other examples. BUT I KNOW he is a liar. So... it is what it is.

So do you accept it? Many would say no. I suspect FWH may have had lots of other OWs. Had at least an EA with OWzero 23 years ago. Hohum... Does it matter? For me, I'm trying not to let it. He is currently VERY remorseful. He still has a long way to go but he is trying very hard and so I am trying to focus on the present. Not the past or the future. Just the NOW.

So we will see.

I thought by now he would understand that I just need the truth

Nope. It will take him a long time to understand this - if ever. They say the truth is crucial for true R but the problem is we can never know if we have the whole truth so we keep pushing for more info. Can't help you with this one.

The Macdonald book is great. FWH who never reads, read it in an afternoon! Also this is brilliant. My FWH said he did not understand me at all until he read it. Please print it for your WH

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=412653

Hey all.!!!!! We have to write the thriller where we go after the APs before we start another book. Some of you were quite excited about joining Lisbeth on the revenge trail!!!!

Gotta go. SO late again.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 15th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

We cross posted. LOOOOVE the chapters.

Wish I could stay to think of more.

Gotta go.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 15th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh nell, thank you so much for the laugh i truly needed it...

just to clarify, i do not know this girls parents, i knew her and i know her brother....her brother is good friends with my son...

can anyone explain teen boys to me...turns out my son knew about this yesterday and didnt say a word to anyone....so here i am picking him up from his regents today and i tell him, i have really bad news for you manchild...and he looks at me and says " oh, you mean x's sister died"...my immediate reply..."who told you"...manchild: "x called me yesterday morn at 10 to tell me"...this conversation between me and my son took place this afternoon at 2 pm...... ...so i yelled out, "and you didnt think to tell me"..manchild: "i didnt want to spread bad news" ...if this weren't so damned sad i would laugh....


i am not sure her age, 21 give or take...and the church said that she had some sort of infection and her immune system couldn't take it, her brother told manchild that she died from cardiac arrest....scary scary shit...because last week she was walkin and talkin like everyone else....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 15th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I'm so sorry about the loss of your son's friend. I don't know what's up with boys not telling news....

M3: I also am sorry about the death of your coworker. It's so sad when someone is struck down like that when all seems well in their lives.

0115: Welcome to our little corner of SI. Come here and post often. An LTA is a big trauma, it is a lot to process. You will be in shock for a while and have a rollercoaster of emotions that never seems to stop.

As for R or D, this is a big decision and the wisdom on SI is to wait at least 6 months before you make that decision. The reasoning is that you would make the decision based on emotions only and that is not always the best thing to do.

With an LTA, oftentimes, it happens in a longer marriage and kids are involved. There is a lot to consider besides the betrayal: finances, kids, etc. Take care of yourself. Try to focus as much on yourself as you can in terms of eating healthy and drinking a lot of water.

Allgood: Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I know exactly what you mean, I could be having a great day and then WH calls and it's such a downer.
I'm taking baby steps.

Hugs to everyone. Don't have much more time. Nell, I love the book chapters. We all should contribute at least one title, if not more!

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 15th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - sorry to hear of this young child's passing. That is truly tragic. It also scares the crap out of me - cuz this means it can happen to anyone. I could never recover from losing a child. As to manchild, well, (Ummm.. Tryn, Dip, Ats, DP & any other men of LTA close your eyes now)
(Miracle, just between you & me, I think many men, especially the young ones, are a bit on the emotionally stunted side.)
Lol.

Laura - sign me up for the thriller.

Nell - loved the chapters. Unfortunately, my suggestions probably would have no place in your book, cuz all I'm coming up with is "How to torture your WS & make him thinks it's just karma while you sit back & laugh your ass off."

OOoook.
My house is a mess. Got to go be responsible now.
Later y'all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - thanks.

Nell, I like your book. It would be very funny. My book would be much shorter.

(1) Your spouse is either screwed up or evil
(2) Get a divorce OR
(3) Live in a sham marriage
(4) Please note: if you unequivocally seek (2) you might wind up with a real marriage.

Have you noticed that? Every person here who R'ed or is close to it walked out at some point. Njgal, tryn, ATS Just a thought.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi M33

Have you noticed that? Every person here who R'ed or is close to it walked out at some point. Njgal, tryn, ATS Just a thought.

I think I am the exception. Although I may qualify as

(a) I tried to throw him out 3 times and each time he begged to stay.

(b) the first time I said get out. He wouldn't go. Then after hours of arguing (2am) I was so tired I said well phone her , tell her you don't and never did love her, you love and am staying with me. I then went to bed. Could have knocked me over with a feather when he did phone her and then I was stuck cause I implied he could stay if he did.

(c) About 3 months after dday I told him all about my plans if he cheated again or turned back into an arsehole. Made sure he KNEW I could cope without him. Told him about meeting new men and starting a new life. And I meant it!!!!

Just saying.....

Maybe it's more about an attitude or state of mind than what you actually do.

PS Why are you up? Isn't it about 5am over there?

Love

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:02 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle

can anyone explain teen boys to me

Having had a teen boy and having taught them for over 30 yrs I can hazard a guess.

I suspect that often they DON'T share this kind of news because they are really upset and afraid they may show it (cry etc). Being in those vulnerable years where they think "big boys don't cry" so they don't talk!!!

In fact they often get cranky. Being angry makes it easier to hide how they feel. When my DS or a kid at school is angry I usually look for what they are worried/upset about.

My DS refuses to talk about his life threatening illness or his depression. I think it's because he doesn't want to cry in front of his mum.

JMHO

Shit!! It's so hard being a mum sometimes.

Love

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:14 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

0115… Chapter for you… The day you discover, there is no Santa Clause. BTW 011, I call that spousal abuse. When a person makes you believe in a false reality, while they enjoy the fruits of all the fun of those feelings you get with lust, newness, differentness, flirtiness, etc… We are left home to believe ho hum, ho ho ho, I am living my life like a married person, lust gone, mundane everyday stuff, accepting life of rejection, that is who we are.. and those kinds of feelings. We say, what is wrong? They say nothing because they’ve split their lives to feel the basic need to be loved in that way.

Subchapters for Nell’s chapter….

Going Mental
- How your mind will take you to wanting to beat the shit out of someone.
o Where would I be if my friend would have said, Shoot’m, Shoot’m, Shoot’m like Troy on Swamp People yells when Alligator hunting.
o Ruff her up a little, then feel like shit took a shit.
- The day you are in an airport parking lot and so panic you cannot get out of the car
- Finding a wife balled up in fetal position
- Are you insane when you tell your Doctor when he asked, No, I’m not having suicidal thought, but you are having them?
- We must invite palerider to write about the basic instinct of a woman. A woman who takes a Alpha Male, then controls him, teaches him, to be in time a Beta Male for the basic needs, only to then to seek the excitement of a new Alpha Male for sex.
- Then after time… What the hell was I thinking? No woman is worth all that.
- How about? Growing up innocent sets you up for the big fall.

OK, I am going to help write the book too.. M3, you really have this in you?

Iwant can write a chapter on, The sacrifice to stay M for the kids.

Nell.. How to pull back up those big girl panties.

Dip.. A chapter on "Grilling recipes" And we do mean questions that must be answered after the crime.

NJgal.. Additions and infidelity

Nofun, I think of myself as no fun but inside I am, "I will admit I am a dirty "old" lady" and fun.

Laura... EMDR down under!

Allgood.. Finding the courage to D.

honest.. being M'd to an Alien. Totally delusional.

M3.. I know how Rep. Anthony Weiner's wife feels. Pregnant and who else did my H Fertilize.

DeepP... how to find a job in the worst economy in a centry while being abused by a cheating wife.

ats... I am now the captain of this ship. Living with an abused W exposing hidden secrets and F'd up choices. Can she figure out the true meaning love?

UKgirl...I like naked statues. "I figured it out" So listen to me. (btw, every post Uk has ever made she's been dead on too me.)

011... The fear I live in.

Strong... A Week of Therapy! (describe that weekend)

SisterMilkshake... oh how I love a good shake, but sister, sometimes cacao beans need sugar.

forgivenotforget.. I hope we can make it

jollum.. "Depression"

blue_roses... I've decided to try R stictly for *me*. We'll see.

Scaredstill.. and he said I was the one being cold.

brokenpromise.. LIMBO

lostsuol.. this is no walk in the park.


the cover..

Strong… I just wanted to say, Go for it. Trust yourself. Allow you future to be in God’s hands now. Find what you need to find. Take this S to find what you really want and need. For me, It was the end of my M. For you, it may mean something different. You are in my thoughts through this journey of life. I am on your side!

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:13 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning tribe....gonna be a rough day im thinkin here in miracle world, actually a couple of rough days...the wake is for the next 2 days and the church is on saturday...

manchild kept this secret and acted totally NORMAL...and i mean totally NORMAL....i dont get it, and probably never will...hard for me to admit that i dont understand my own child...but i dont...


m3: what the hell were you doin up at 5 in the morn...im hopin its teethin or somethin like that...


tryn: wow, your chapters were very well thought out...and you covered all of us, or all of us somewhat recent posters...still lots of old timers that come back only now and then....they were before your time...doesnt that make you feel young..


0115 you have gotten lots of good advice


thank you all for your prayers...the child was 22 years old and totally healthy, her sudden death is so so sad, her brother who is manchilds friend will be graduating next week and then i believe in the fall he is off to the navy to serve our country...he is the only sibling...very very sad....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone Thank you and I'm digesting all of the info. It's amazing therapy just to read and take it all in.

Miracle I'm praying specially for your son.

trynhard How did you get that picture of me in a thong


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This weekend....son's bday, having a pool party. MIL coming to visit. Triggers galore from last year. Last night I sat on the phone with WH and made the case for saving M.

I know. I should let go. He doesn't get it. He is still selfish and wants to let go of the guilt. I know in my head that I need to let go. But I sat there and still gave the reasons to fight for this family. When he asked didn't I want to feel good again. I said said yes, in this family. I am not delusional to think that letting go and starting a new family solves the issues.
Something in me clings on....urgh. Tonight he comes back.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A woman who takes a Alpha Male, then controls him, teaches him, to be in time a Beta Male for the basic needs, only to then to seek the excitement of a new Alpha Male for sex.

Unfortunately, I got a Beta Male who compares himself to Omega Males and decides that he must be an Alpha Male. When really, he is acting like a big ol' Dickwad Male.

miracle,
Thinking of you and yours...


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awakened,
We cross-posted. Does he believe that the guilt will go away if he completely rips apart the family? Is he in IC? I can't remember... You're right, he is being selfish and delusional. Good luck tonight!

Allgood,
What's the haps? Regale us.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was up because I woke up in a panic thinking I'd forgotten to pay the property taxes (which I hadn't.)

Yes, I think I do have a book in me. With help, of course. It will be the weirdest book ever. Because, really, we've all read enough of these books to know that there's room for improvement. Like right now I'm reading Melanie Beattie's New Codependents and she's got exercises at the end of each chapter ... well ... our exercises will be more like:

(1) Make a mix tape/CD of angry cheating songs that piss you off and go play them at full volume in your car while driving around way too fast and crying...

(2) Grill a pizza (with recipe! and instructions!) ...

Plus, there is some element of LTA in any hook up with an EX affair...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(3) Pick a superhero name and costume for all your kick-assing activities

(4) Remember every swear word you've ever run across so you have fresh ones to use when you feel you've dropped the f-bomb enough for the week


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awaken... I forgot about you. Sorry, you must write the chapter on...Gonadal hormone modulation of mu, kappa, and delta opioid antinociception in male and female

Nell.. will be the offical writer because she makes it all come together in harmony

[This message edited by trynhard at 2:57 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You really need to write the book with us...

tryn's got all the touchy-feely stuff, creepy art and graphics, you've got the humor, I've got ... the grunt work? No! I'm the MASTER of intellectualizing...

ETA -- good heavens, tryn! I have no idea what you just wrote. I used to think I was smart...

[This message edited by m334455 at 2:56 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3, I heard yesterday if you use big words while talking about something you don't know about, you sound intelligent.

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 16th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3, it is freaky. At the time I did this one for ats, I had know Idea that I hit the likeness of them both...

The last art I did was about Laura but never really finished. She started doing those butterflys and I got destracted.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:08 PM, June 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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