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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle - you are a good mother. I had a son just like yours...whenever you talk about him I think of my own. You are getting him the help he needs. None of this is easy. If you need to talk, pm me...I've been there.

((((miracle))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam,

I know better, you are a good mother. One thing I do know is that children are the product of both parents. Good and bad, it us not all yours alone to own. I also know what it is like to try to instill good habits and behaviors alone.

I do not know enough to know the answer, but my Man card mandates that I try. Do you think that honestly acknowledging the tension in the home between you and pfm and giving him permission to be angry and upset might help? Maybe it is time to give him rein to make mistakes, and just love him? Let him be in charge of his grades and success or failure do long as he does not negatively impact others in the family.

On the lighter side, I am glad to see Dip getting the recognition he deserves.

-- Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Miracle and Tryn - loved the pics.

((((((Miracle))))

All he needs is your love honey. Love him and he will be OK. You are a great mum - he knows that. When my son got very sick I decided that I didn't care about his school results (he is EXTRAORDINARILY intelligent) or if he got into college. Because of his depression he missed 80% of days in his final two years at school. I knew he was suicidal and it was killing me. This made me realise that NOTHING matters except his happiness. Tell him you love him and the rest doesn't matter. It really doesn't. I still feel this way. His health and happiness is all that matter to me. He knows that and I know it makes him feel good!!!! And he is now doing quite well at uni.

Can't chat. Lots of tension between me and FWH. Had EMDR session today. It was great.

He has been cranky tonight over stupid things and I don't care. I feel really good. Will explain later. Today's EMDR session has helped me deal with tonight.

LOve you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant.. I too had those "wanted to kill myself"

Affirmation! Affirmation! Future good things! Bad grades in school is not the end of the world. He can do this. It takes work...

I am sure you can work on him.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Miracle))

Don't beat yourself up. Kids say stupid stuff that doesn't make it true.

Still hurts to hear, obviously.

You will take the steps necessary to get everyone on the same page.

I know you will.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Under the heading of "find your happiness where you can" replacing an element in the water heater went much smoother this morning than it might have.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Miracle}}}}

You ARE a good mother. You know this deep in your heart and so does your son.

Teens say things all the time and saying that you are to blame for his low self esteem is one of them. Talk of suicide is something not taken lightly, so you are doing the right thing.

He just needs your unconditional love right now. Just keep telling him how much you love him no matter how good or bad his grades are. Even if he seems not to be listening to you, still hug him and tell him you are there for him and ready to listen whenever he wants to talk. Even if he doesn't, he will know you are there, and that is a sense of security. I KNOW he feels that from you.

You and manchild are in my prayers.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, dear God. Evil twin is planning a visit with his alcoholic, unemployed girlfriend and possibly her 15-year-old son in June.[
Oh dear God.

Who wants a visit from Nell and her Boyos in June.
Well, yknow I have three double rooms spare here in a most picturesque part of the UK.

Yep, Im lurking.

Miracle, you are not a bad mother. You are doing everything you can to ensure your childs future and his education is a big part of that. Much of his pressure will be of his own making wasting time by using diversionary tactics like facebook, gaming, sorting out his books but never getting around to studying, changing the order on his ipod, anything but get his head down and getting the work done. It sounds as though you and he need to take a breather and take stock of what he can do to reverse the slipping back. Its very difficult with boys they are less inclined to be pleasers than girls.

he brought up every grade and even managed to make honor roll, from failing.....now he is back on the path to failure...
oh hon, no hes not. The fact that he improved shows he is capable. But your love is not dependant upon his exam results youll love him whatever the outcome. You just want him to the best he can so that he can have more choice in life. And that, I suspect, is your frustration. Which, being the mother of four boys and DS16 starting exam leave next week, I can totally relate to. Its a tricky balance. Reassure him that you understand the enormous pressures kids are under to perform well and that you want to help him through this difficult phase. That you would like for him to come to you before things get to him so you can hear him out and talk things through.
Bigs hugs (((((miracle)))))
And a big squeeze {{{miracle}}}

Hi gang!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle-
I never got to see the pics...pm them to me if you have a chance.
I'm sorry to read that your son is going through such a tough time.
Do not blame yourself! It sounds as if you are doing all the right things.
One thing to keep in mind is that not everyone has to be geared toward going to college! It sounds like your son is very bright but not 100% motivated in terms of school.
Maybe exploring his interests may help. He may be more oriented to doing something with his hands, something more concrete.

And, honestly, in this economy there are so many college grads sitting around on their parent's couch for years without work that a vocational route may be much more lucrative!

Our plumber used to be an engineer! He wanted out of the office and the paperwork- he now has a very successful business!

Sometimes when kids are in high school they don't see the point of all this... because they have no idea of what they want to do in the future and it seems so far away and so scary...
sometimes helping them to spend some time thinking about their talents and interests can help them get focused and motivated.
just some thoughts.....


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin-
loved seeing your pics!

Laura-
Glad to hear that EMDR is helping you.

Ats- sometimes in the middle of the craziness we just need to stay focused on the little joys of life!
Good job on fixing the water heater!

Honest-
Glad to hear that you got through the visit with your mom. In my case... I literally start getting panic attacks whenever I need to speak with my BPD mother. Here I am a grown woman who still gets upset when I hear all of her toxic complaints and put downs.
I just cringe and feel horrible after every encounter. Then I feel guilty about not seeing her/ speaking with her and think I should make contact. Sigh....it's difficult.

On the home front- my FWH continues to be the ideal husband. He has been very supportive of me over the last few weeks (very stressful stuff going on at my job) for ex. yesterday I came home to 2 dozen long stemmed red roses...and tonight he is cooking dinner etc. So, that's all good.

I realize that my extreme reactions to stress of any kind are all LTA related.
Since d-day my nerves have been frazzled...even when FWH is doing his best.
I have to repeat again..that dealing with infidelity is extremely traumatic.
I may give EMDR another try.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you everyone...

we went to the therapist and the bottom line is i need to let go now, school is his issue and i am to step back and only step in when invited by him.....i had already stepped back tremendously with exception to when progress and/or report card come...now not even that anymore...

he admitted he has self esteem issues, said they are all my fault...he accused me of stuff i didnt or don't do....some of it i can understand his perception....

the therapist i think got through to him instead of him disappearing off the face of the earth that the issue needs to disappear...

she told pfm and i that if there is anymore talk of suicide we are to bring him immediately to the e.r. without hesitation...

it was a really hard session...and yes i failed him, and yes i know...when you know better you do better....i admitted in the office that i am learning too...

i love my son more then my life, i love all my children more then my life....as hard as it will be for me to let go, its much easier to let go then to bury him...so let go i will....

he is a good kid....a bit misguided, but a good kid....

keep praying for him, kkk


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle.

By stepping back, does this mean that you are to have no input concerning his school work? I read this to mean that all of this is his business and you are out of the loop with this issue.

I doubt that you have failed him. You may be learning as you go, but we all do that. This does not mean you are a failure.

Hugs miracle.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle:
I'm glad that things seem under control with a new pla in place. It sounds hopeful.

Do not beat yourself up.

We are not here to be their bffs. We are here to guide them and get them ready for life. I know all too well that sometimes includes pushing them regularly beyond what they would do unassisted.
Sometimes it's hard to see the line until you've crossed it. I've done it too.

It is hard to step back and see your children make mistakes, but it appears that your son has reached his limit & thankfully this has been communicated to you in a way that it can be managed.

Do not beat yourself up.
This stuff is SO HARD.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((miracle)))
You are a good mom. Your DS is going through a very tough time... he will get through and he will look back with fondness on what you have done. You are working very hard to do right by your kids, and it's all we can do. I'm praying for him; I'm also praying for you.

Meanwhile, I had a huge meltdown last night. I wouldn't even call it a meltdown... more like a total breakdown. Throwing up, crying, the whole bit. It was really quite spectacular. Mr. Nell took very good care of me and continues to do so now. In fact, he just left to pick up food for supper so that I don't have to cook.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Nell))

Glad to hear Mr. Nell is being supportive, but what happened?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:51 PM, May 14th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell-
sorry that you had a huge meltdown. I know how that feels. My FWH just stands there looking baffled because for him they seem to come out of nowhere. But, actually it usually happens when I've had a number of triggers...fought them off in my mind and then finally... a big trigger hits me and its all over.

The only thing that I can tell you is that they do come less often and I am better prepared to deal with the triggers but believe it or not 4 and 1/2 yrs later I still have them.
I've been fighting them off tonight... had a few thoughts during a ...mmm romantic moment with FWH and then we watched a netflix movie....and wouldn't you know it they stick a big infidelity scene smack dab in the middle of it.
so..trying to breathe and remain calm and not start asking him about the LTA.

Nell-was there a specific trigger? thought? or was it just an accumulation of stuff?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

EMDR session went well.

For those interested basically the therapist had me recall in detail my worst memory (the night I confronted him and his refusal to phone and break off with OW3) and took the emotion out of the memory. Hard to explain but essentially when I remembered this before EMDR I would feel chest pain palpitations and so HURT. What she did was help me process what happened. Quite amazing really because now I can remember but feel no emotional response.

She says this is permanent. It worked for me.

NJgal

I think you said you had done EMDR before. Did it work for you???

Hope you are all well.

((((((miracle))))))))

((((((Nell))))))))

So sorry about your melt/break down. I know it is so scary and so painful. Hope you are OK.

WARNING - MAY BE TMI

Feel I may be heading for a meltdown myself. Before dday we did not use a particular position because I found it uncomfortable. Hadn't used it for many years. I have had some corrective surgery and now that position is no longer uncomfortable. Unfortunately I now find his performance in this position is 100% better than the last time we used it (maybe 10 yrs ago- before OW2and 3). What is really getting to me is that I believe he is so much better because he had lots of practice (NOT with me!!!)

Love to you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

Wow I LOVE the Karma bus. It really seems to be causing OW3 enormous problems. She has been rehearsing for months for an amateur production due to start this week- the STAR of the production. I just checked the website and the production has been cancelled due to "circumstances beyond our control." She does love to "perform" - poor pet -another blow!!!!!

First her XH gets very sick, then her son lands in jail and now her play has been cancelled!!!!!!! The gods are clearly against her!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I'm not only glad, but awestruck by what you described about the EMDR.
I really am.

And the tmi- well, I guess the logical response is to just be happy & enjoy, but I get what you are saying. Maybe it's another topic for EMDR.

Nell & Miracle - thinking of you both today.

Fun: what's going on over there?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-

I tried EMDR very early on in our R and only went to a few sessions. The therapist asked me what were my most traumatic life experiences....well,unfortunately, in my case I had to begin back in my childhood and continue into my teen years and then described stuff that happened with FWH years before the LTA....
so, there were so many bad memories flooding me that every time I left the EMDR session I was a wreck.
So, I decided to wait for awhile and then go back for the EMDR.
Maybe its time for me to try it again.

I'll have to try to stay focused on one specific trauma.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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